NaNoWriMo -- Day 6

Lizzy was something else, to say the least.  When it came to spontaneity, she and Zach were certainly a perfect match.  She'd come over to the dorms after work and sit on the floor leaning up against the wall beneath the window sill, headphones on with music blaring so loud I could hear it across the room, with her sketch pad drawing drawings that she never showed to anyone including Zach.  Then Zach would say, rather loudly so she could hear him over the music, "Hey, wanna go get a banana split at Dairy Queen?" or "Wanna go throw bread at squirrels?" or "Wanna drive around campus guessing what sorority chicks belong to?"

Lizzy would pull down her headphones, smirk at him, and say something she thought was terribly clever like, "I'd rather go to the hardware store and get screwed."

Zach would laugh, tell her to grab her keys, and off they'd go.  Oh yeah, Lizzy had a car, too.  Gone were the days of Zach forcing me to go along on his little adventures.  On the surface, I acted relieved that I would have more peace and quiet alone in our room to study.  Truth be told, I was a little jealous of all the attention Lizzy was now getting from Zach.  I mean, driving around campus guessing what sorority chicks belong to?  That's not an activity a guy takes his girlfriend off on.  That's an activity for men.  But then again, I was never really clear on what Zach and Lizzy's relationship really was.  I never saw them kiss or even hold hands.  Zach always referred to their outings as "dates", but never actually called her his girlfriend.  She was always just "Lizzy."  And as much as she flirted with him, I often felt she was just having a fun time and not really looking for a relationship.

But that didn't mean they weren't both getting exactly what they wanted at the time.  They were random people and they enjoyed being random together, as friends, as lovers, as whatever the heck they might have been.  Whatever they had going on, I knew it wasn't the kind of thing I was looking for.  I had never had a real girlfriend before, and when I did, and I wanted to have a real girlfriend.

The thing that scared me most about the idea of having a "real girlfriend" was the kinds of things you eventually do with a "real girlfriend", like introduce them to your parents.  No girl wants to be with a guy whose father makes him feel inferior, and I was pretty sure that attitude of mine would shine through to any intelligent young woman.  I knew I had to grow up and find myself before I had any sort of "relationship" with a member of the opposite sex.  Zach was just having fun AND he already knew who he was.  I was still working on figuring it all out.

-----

I think Brady thought I was just an easy going dude with out a care in the world.  I mean, usually I was, but I had my own fears and worries, too.  Like what on earth to do about Lizzy.  She certainly was cute, and a really good kisser, and her random reactions to just about everything amused me.  But did I want to spend my life with her?  Heck, I wasn't even sure I wanted to stay with her over the summer, which was fast approaching.  She'd stay here; I'd go home.  Should we stay as a couple?  Were we a couple to begin with?  Dude, I genuinely did not know.  It didn't bother me for those first couple months, but now with summer coming up, I wasn't sure what to do.  Lizzy was pretty laid back about things and never acted like she really cared that much either way where our relationship went, but I also had seen she could get upset about the most random things.  I told her to just chill and she'd just sneer roll her eyes and walk away.  I suppose if rolling her eyes and walking away was how she wanted to end our relationship, that would be totally cool with me, I just didn't want her to get violent or something.  I'd hate to have to bust out my kung-fo moves on her.  Mostly because she'd probably try to sue me afterwards.

But in all seriousness, I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't know what Lizzy wanted, and I didn't want to hurt her, even though, or maybe especially because, she was a little unstable.  So I just let myself float along for as long as possible until finally finals week arrived and I knew something had to be done.  I was still trying to be my usual chill self and not worry about it too much, so I hadn't yet figured out how to bring it up to her when we were sitting on a park bench throwing bread at the ducks (study break!) and she just came out and said, "So what are you doing for the summer?"

"Well, I was planning to go home and see my family, you know?  I haven't been home since Christmas."

"Me neither," she said.

I jerked my head towards her in confusion.  "I thought your mom lived in town."

"She does," Lizzy admitted.  "Doesn't mean I want to see her."

I just shrugged and shook my head.  If we had a real relationship, or a relationship I knew I wanted to develop, I would have asked about that, tried to figure out if she was hurting, make her feel better.  I can be a sweet guy, a sentimental guy.  It just wasn't that cool with Lizzy.

"So you're still gonna stay here, though, right?" I asked.  As soon as I said it, I knew it came out as sounding hopeful - like I wanted her to stay so I could leave her.  I felt my neck getting sweaty in anticipation of her outburst.

To my extreme surprise, she gave a playful half-sneer, half-smile and said, "Can't wait to git rid of me, huh?"

I decided to play along, so I smiled and said, "You know it, baby," as I leaned over to tickle her.

She slapped my hand away, got more of the angry look on her face that I had initially expected, stood up and boldly announced, "Well that's just fine, I can't wait to git rid of you either."

I sighed and dropped a piece of bread.  I caught sight of a fat little duckling waddling over to retrieve it out of the corner of my eye, but then I drew my attention back to Lizzy.  I still wasn't sure how serious she was, but I decided I should give her some respect and take it seriously.  "Listen, Lizzy," I said.  "I know we've had lots of fun together, and maybe we could keep it going, but I honestly don't know if I want to or not."

She kicked the dirt a little, folded her hands in front of her, and glared down at me sadly.  "I'm pretty enough and fun enough," she said.

"I know," I told her.  I smiled weakly.  "You're the cutest girl in the world."

"Bullshit," she said.  "You know that isn't true."

I shook my head, but of course I knew it wasn't true.  You always tell your girl she's the cutest or the smartest or the prettiest, even though you know she isn't.  I hate it when they point out that you know it isn't true.  Of course you know it isn't true, and they know you know it, but they don't have to say it.

I folded my hands in my lap, looked down at them, and then back up at her.  I tried to convey a sense of pleading and concern.  "What do you want, Lizzy?" I asked.

"To win," she said, without any hesitation.  I did not understand what she meant.  I didn't know what to say, which was pretty rare for a dude like me, so I just sat there.  A gust of wind came up and blew her hair in front of her face and mine away from my face.  As she brushed her hair away, I thought I might have seen her wipe a tear away, too, but it might have just been from the wind.  That would be more likely if the wind had been blowing into her face, but I still told myself it was probably just the wind that made her cry.  Finally she spoke again.  "It has been fun," she said.  "Random and fun.  I like fun, but fun is distracting.  I think you're right.  I think this might be it."  She held out her hand.  "Good-bye, Zach," she said.

I took her hand and shook it, since apparently that was what she expected me to do.  "Good-bye, Lizzy?"

She gave a single nod, dropped my hand, and turned to walk away.  That was when I thought to stand up, dumping the rest of the bread on the ground, and point out, "You gave me a ride here."

She turned back and sighed, and then gave a little smile.  "Mooch," she said.  Then another sigh and a gesturing for me to follow her.  "Okay, come on.  So much for the tear-jerker ending.  I'll drive you back to your dorm."

So we walked and then rode in silence.  Somehow it was relieving, not awkward.  And when we got back to campus, Lizzy leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.  "Good-bye, Zach," she said.

I smiled at her.  I really did feel like it was a touching, bittersweet moment, but I was glad it was ending.  "Good-bye, Lizzy," I said.  Then I got out of the car and watched her drive away.  I really believed I wasn't going to see her again, and I felt okay.