Some friends fade until even their memories are forgotten. And some friends seem to stick with you forever. I don't know what it's like to grow old, like, really old, so I don't know how advanced aging might affect my memories, but I know, some kids I used to hang out with growing up, I don't even remember their names or their faces. And with other people, mostly people I met later in life, I can't imagine ever letting go.
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Time passes too quickly. Time passes too slowly. Alyse and I couldn't wait for our new baby to be born. Now, in the aftermath, I often long for those days again, when we were simple and innocent and so, so alive. I miss Alyse so much, though I don't often talk about it anymore. But even now, after all these years, even after I've supposedly moved on, to think about how I lost her and can never get her back, it still causes me pain for which there simply are no words.
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I'm so excited for our new baby! David is the most amazing husband, and I know he's going to be the best dad. We were so worried, but we had nothing to worry about. David is so dedicated to me! I know the hormones are driving me crazy, and I can be a real handful, but he never complains. He cooks, he cleans, he gets me the crazy things I'm craving, like sardines and lemon jell-o. There couldn't be a more perfect man. He just makes me so, so happy, and I'm so emotional already. I'm starting to tear up. I hate getting all weepy.
I need to think about baby names instead. I'd suggested David Jr if its a boy, but David doesn't want the baby to be named after him. He thinks its too prideful. So we were thinking of maybe James or Charles. For a girl, I thought maybe Diana or Elizabeth would be pretty. I guess I'm on a bit of a British royalty kick or something. I've been researching Britain for this new book I want to write. I've been managing to find some time to work on it, and I know I'll have even less after the baby is born, but I do want to keep doing some work even then. I love what I do, but I don't want to go overboard. I know I'm going to love my new baby even more.
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Sometimes, in the silence at night, when all I can hear is the crickets and an occassional coyote howling in the distance, sometimes I wonder if my husband is truly and always happy with me. I know he was married before, and that he left his wife not long after his daughter was born. His daughter, she doesn't even know him. He says he can't go back, not now, not ever. Something awful happened between him and his wife, and he can never go back. He doesn't tell me what, and he doesn't say it's awful, I just infer that from how he says he can never go back.
I didn't actually know about his wife until after we were already engaged. He didn't want to tell me, but he knew he had to. He's a good man, even if he did leave his first wife. He said he was sorry he left her, but that she never understood him, not really, and that I'm the one he wants to be with. It's the sweetest, most sentimental and emotional moment I've ever had with him. He isn't usually emotional like that. I wouldn't want him to be. But maybe his first wife did. Maybe that's what happened between them. I don't know.
Sometimes, I wish I knew more about his past, but he isn't a very open man. He keeps to himself, keeps quiet. Other times, I'm amazed he's shared with me as much as he has. He tells me what he needs to and nothing more. I respect that, even if I am pretty much the exact opposite.
We work well together, he and I. And life in the country is wonderful. I know he loves it, too, even if he never explicitly says that. He belongs here. We are the ones who belong together.
Do I feel sorry for his first wife? Yes, I mean, how can I not. Sometimes I feel guilty for stealing him away from her. But I know it wasn't really like that. I don't think he ever would have gone back to her, even if he hadn't met me. He and she, they just weren't meant to be. I do believe in destiny, and sometimes, it can take you time and a mistake or two to find what yours really is.
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Did I make a mistake in going back to Lizzy again? I ask myself that from time to time, and Brady seems to ask me it with a look sometimes, too, though he never puts it into words. I never don't think it was a mistake. I think Lizzy and I are good for each other. She doesn't distract me from school like Bridget does, yet she's still random and fun, like I like to be. She is a little obsessive about things still, well, about beauty and that stuff, but I just keep telling her how pretty she is, and that keeps things happy between us. I mean, calling her out for being the cutest young lady around was how we met, after all. It only makes sense that I'd continue telling her things like that.
And I mean, no relationship is perfect. Everyone's going to have problems. I sometimes worry about Lizzy, and her state of mind, what she's really thinking about. She's pretty honest with me, but she doesn't always tell me everything. And as passionate as she is about certain things, she still keeps other things, personal things about her past and stuff, to herself. I'm willing to listen, to let her open up, but she often doesn't want to share.
But she's good to me. And she's been so much better to Brady and Christina. I'm starting to think she might actually like Christina. Lizzy says nice things about Chris even when Chris isn't around. That like, totally means a lot coming from a girl like Lizzy.
So yeah, Lizzy still makes me happy, and I think she's getting more chill and happy and more fun when it comes to pageants, which just makes her even more often like the fun, awesome person she is when she isn't stressing out over pageants.
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Pageants are still my life, don't get me wrong, but maybe there is more to life than pageants. I mean, I always knew that at some level, but getting back with Zach this second time, I think I've come to actually believe it. I mean, I like to have fun and learn new things and gain new skills, but before, I was always trying to relate it back to, like, how could I use it to win a pageant. Now, finally, for what might be the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to truly do things just for fun, not just for or because of a pageant. Like, art is actually pretty cool of its own accord, not just to help me analyze what people think is beautiful and what isn't, or to have something intelligent to talk to with judges. I do like art just for it's own sake.
Don't go getting your hopes up now, all you pageant hopefuls. I'm still going to keep competing, and I'm still in it to win, and if you try to undermine me or cheat your way to victory or something ridiculous like that, I will still bring you down like a strong wind against a tower of playing cards, but I'm making room in my life for other things, too, other things for me, not just to seem normal to others. It's for me. And for Zach. Zach has brought this out in me more than anyone before. I think it's remotely possible that I might even come to love him for that. Maybe.
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I cannot believe it's Christmas time already! This will be my first Christmas with a real boyfriend. We're trying to work out our plans to spend time with both of our families. My family doesn't have a huge holiday celebration, but my dad usually invites his parents and his brother over and we eat duck and dumplings and hang stockings and all that stuff. We do pop popcorn over an open fire. That's pretty cool. I told Brady about it, and he seemed to agree it sounded like a lot of fun. He said his family Christmas is just his immediate family, but since he has three younger sisters, it's actually a larger gathering than at my dad's house.
So yeah, it's going to be a great holiday season, though I am a little nervous about what to get Brady for Christmas. Fortunately, I have two friends who have dated his roommate, so they have a few ideas, plus I've run those ideas past Zach himself, who seemed a little surprised to be able to confirm my girls were actually giving me accurate information.
But at any rate, it's going to be a great Christmas. I get to see my dad, bring Brady home to meet him (though that's actually already happened twice), eat some great food, have time to read a couple novels, and I get to go back to Brady's family's farm again. I really like the farm, though I do hope Brady doesn't want to move back out to the country should our relationship... develop. But that's getting ahead of things. I'm just going to enjoy the moment, what we have, enjoy Christmas, and then focus on training for track season. I can't wait to have Brady in the stands to cheer me on for that. I just hope I don't let him down.
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