Zach and I were cuddled up on the couch, watching some romantic comedy action flick or something, when Brady walks in, fresh from seeing his old man at the hotel. Now, fresh is definitely the wrong word. Dude looked like a total zombie. I glanced over at him, wondered to myself what was wrong, and heard Zach ask, "Dude, what's wrong?"
Brady collapsed into the chair next to the couch, folded his hands, leaned forward, and staring at the floor mumbled what sounded like, "We have the same father."
Zach paused the movie, twisted himself around on the couch to look at Brady more directly, and asked, "What?"
Brady looked up straight at me and said, "We have the same father."
It took me a second to really comprehend what he was saying, but when I did, I just scoffed. With a nervous laugh I said, "No way. You're crazy."
He just kept staring straight at me. "He knows all about your mom. Her name's Sarah, she used to work for a real estate company, though he doesn't know what she does now. He said she used to smoke, not sure if she still does. When you were born, they had a dog named Rufus apparently? You grew up in a small yellow house on First street. Lizzy, is all of this true?"
I must have been staring at him like he was a ghost or a time traveler or something equally as crazy as the thought that my father would ever in a million years find me. "You live in South Dakota?" I asked, remembering my mom's lame story.
"Yes," Brady said with a timid nod.
"On a pig farm?"
Brady looked confused. "Well, no," he said. "We have chickens and a couple cows, but mostly we grow crops."
I let out a little snort. "Well at least mom was one for two," I muttered.
There was silence for a moment. No one else said a word, but I felt Zach's hand reach up and give my shoulder a supportive squeeze. I felt tears starting to form in my eyes. I hated it.
"What else did he say," was all I could manage.
Brady shrugged. "Nothing really."
"Did he... did he say he loves me?" I don't know why I asked such a stupid thing in front of my boyfriend and his roommate, but there it was, it was out there.
A look of pain and regret immediately crossed over Brady's face. "He was in shock," he said, "I'm sure that..."
I sneered and looked away as I tried to wipe the tears that had started to from without anyone noticing. "Nothing's changed," I said, staring at the paused TV screen. "Let's finish watching the movie."
-----
Lizzy might have said that nothing changed, but I knew every thing had changed, for her and Brady both. We didn't see Brady's father again that trip. He must have just stayed at his hotel and then quietly taken his plane ride back home. I overhead Brady having a phone conversation that certainly sounded like it was with his father, but I was not about to ask him about it. Dude needs his space.
I think Lizzy needs some space, too, and some time, time to figure things out. I'm going to be here for her, supporting her, comforting her if that's what she needs. I have to admit, I've never seen her like this, weak and unsure. She's always so confident, putting on a brave and sure face for everyone. I know it might sound cruel, but somehow, seeing her like this, seeing her humanity, it makes me love her even more. And it makes me hurt for her at the same time.
Christina showed up a couple days later, just before classes started. She knew immediately something was wrong from the way we were all just moping about. It immediately sucked the joy out of her arrival. I felt kind-of bad for her. I guess Brady had tried to put on a strong voice for her over the phone and had waited to tell her in person about what had happened. They went off to his room and had a talk and when they came out again, I saw Chris with tears in her eyes, not even trying to hide them, and she walked straight up to Lizzy and gave her a huge hug.
I thought that was the worst thing that Chris could possibly do, but to my surprise, after Lizzy seemed to get over the initial shock of the hug, she hugged Christina back and started crying, freely and without shame. The two of them just stood there, hugging and crying, and I saw Brady motion to me and we off into our rooms, put on our headphones, and let them have their moment. I would have never guessed that Christina hugging Lizzy like that would do any good, but I guess even after all this time, I can still be surprised by Lizzy's reactions to things. And Christina, this was the second time she'd managed to make things alright with Lizzy, or at least as alright as they could be. That girl really was amazing
-----
I don't know if I'll ever really be alright, but having Christina here makes me feel a whole lot better. I know, I'm being a sappy silly stupid girl, but it's true. Girlfriends are great. I never thought I'd consider Christina my friend when I first met her. From the moment I saw her, I hated her guts. I was jealous and angry and bitter towards her for a long time. Even after we became "friends", I wasn't sure if she was really my friend or if I was just biding my time until I could get back at her. But now, well, I think she really cares. And she shows the emotions that I never have and the support I've never had. I mean, a part of me still hates her for being so good when I know I've been so bad, but I think I need her. I think she's good for me. And even if a part of me does still hate her at times, I think I can really, truly, call her my friend.
-----
A few days after Christina arrived, Lizzy asked me for our father's phone number and I was all too happy to give it to her, but she didn't call him. I know because I called him and nervously asked and he said he hadn't heard a thing from her or her mother. Weeks passed and Lizzy said nothing more about our father. I really wanted to encourage her to talk to him, but Christina thought it was best if I let her be. Lizzy seemed a bit in a funk still, but she was slowly coming out of it. "Just give her time," Christina told me. "She'll come around." After all Christina had done for me and for Lizzy, I trusted that she knew best. I put a lot of faith in her. God, how I loved her.
It was a couple more weeks after that when all four of us were hanging out, Zach was browsing the internet, and then he looked up and said, "Hey there's a beauty pageant next week just a few towns over. Did you know about this, Lizzy?"
She just shrugged. "Maybe I heard about it," she said. "I don't really feel like competing."
I think Zach about fell off the couch when he heard that. At the very least it left him completely speechless, and me, too, but, as usual, Christina knew exactly what to say. "Well maybe we could just go watch," she suggested, "you know, check out the competition and stuff without having to worry about beating them all."
Lizzy smiled at her. "Yeah," she said. "That would be fun."
"Maybe we could invite Bridget, too," Christina suggested. "Make it a girls night out."
Lizzy nodded. "Yeah, that would be fine."
And so it was settled, the girls would go out to visit a pageant without competing. It was the strangest thing ever, well, other than the whole Lizzy and I having the same father thing. But that revelation, I think, was what led to all this, for better and for worst.
-----
The pageant was like totally a riot. I was so glad that Lizzy and Christina invite me along. Chris had been hanging out with Brady and with Lizzy a lot lately, and I had been feeling a little left out. I mean, I'm Lizzy's friend, too. I wanted to help Lizzy, too, just like I had helped Christina in the past. I was happy to be included. So that was a lot of fun. We had a nice dinner before the pageant and then we whispered and giggled all through the pageant. We were sitting in the back so I don't think we were too disruptive. Lizzy made all these predictions about the contestants and she was so spot on that it was scary. Christina seemed a little uncomfortable with some of the comments Lizzy made, but she didn't say anything about it. Lizzy just says things sometimes that might seem mean, but she's just joking around, and it makes her feel better about herself. She needed that. And if that had been all that happened that night, it would have been wonderful.
I wish I could tell you that that was all the happened that night. I wish it with my whole heart and soul. But that wasn't the end of the night. We still had to go home. Christina seemed pretty tired and Lizzy was in a pretty good mood, so she offered the drive. That was cool with me. I was a little on the tired side myself. So we piled into the car and were on our way. Christina was sitting in the front seat and fell asleep almost immediately. Lizzy teased her a little, but she couldn't hear anyway, so the two of us just laughed a little about it as we drove along and then Lizzy started talking about the pageant. I was sitting in the back seat right behind her, leaning with my elbow against the window and struggling a little to stay awake myself. As we went on, Lizzy's talking started to slow down and at one point I heard her yawn.
I couldn't help but yawn myself, and then managed to ask, "You doing okay, Lizzy? Want me to drive the rest of the way."
"Yeah, I'm fine." She said. "Let me just turn up the radio a little."
So she did, and we drove on for a while in silence other than that radio playing. And then, I saw the red light. I didn't think anything of it at first. It was just a red light, a temporary delay on our journey home, but as we grew closer, I felt a little concerned, and then more concerned, that Lizzy wasn't going to stop. "Lizzy," I said at normal volume, and then louder, "Lizzy", and then finally, as we were about to roll into the intersection, "Lizzy!"
I heard a little gasp from the front seat, felt the car suddenly start to jerk to stop, and spun my head to the right as the oncoming headlights illuminated the cab of our car just before crashing into us at full speed as they went dark.
-----
There are no words... I just... I have no words. What can I say? There are no words. Bridget, Brady, Christina's father, even Zach, they could never forgive me. How could they? After what I did... It was an accident, I know it was an accident, Zach tells me it was an accident, but do they really think that? Can they ever trust me again? Who could forgive and trust me again after what happened? Now, after this, my refusal to forgive my father for leaving seemed so petty and stupid. How could I ever expect anyone to forgive me if I couldn't forgive him. I go to my purse, I dig through it as tears stream from my eyes and by some miracle, I manage to pull out the piece of paper with the phone number on it. I dial it on my cell phone as I sit alone in the dark, and when the voice on the other end says, "Hello?" I sob, "Daddy? I need you."
-----
The wonderful and terrible day so many years ago, the day my wife and my beautiful baby daughter died and then the amazing doctors managed to bring my daughter back to life, but not my wife, my beautiful, wonderful wife, Alyse, that day I looked down at that new baby girl, the girl who had cost my wife her life and who had almost lost her own life as well, and tears streamed down my face. I had lost the love of my life and gained a new love, a new baby girl who would remind me of my love Alyse every day of my life, and as painful as that was sure to be, I loved that little baby girl from the moment I first saw her through my tear-filled eyes, and I vowed that I would love her forever, my precious Christina, and I would never see her die again.
-----
This story, my story, it ends the same way it began: with my death. All stories end in death: even mine, even yours. Depressing? Disappointing? I suppose it might seem that way, but to think only about the ending, that's to ignore all that happened along the way. And that's what really matters: who and how you love along the way.
My story is done. Some will be sad, and some will never know the difference, but I hope that those I touched will admit that even if they are sad now, that they were still happy to have known me, that I made a difference in their lives. If they could stand over the shell that once was me on the day of my funeral and know that they were glad to know me, if Lizzy and Zach could be happy together, if Lizzy and her father could be reunited, if Brady could remember all the good times, if Bridget could be the brave, bold, and beautiful young woman I know her to be, and if my father, if my father could find a way to go on, to find love and meaning again, and to remember me and my mother as he makes a new and happy life, well, that's the best way I could think of for my story to end.
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