Dude, I am so glad that Lizzy won the pageant this time around. Our dateversary celebration probably would have been a full and total disaster had she lost again without even having Christina going up against her, but fortunately, she totally destroyed it. Like, it wasn't even close. I managed to convince one of the judges to tell me how close it was in the end, and it really was a landslide. I knew it would be. Lizzy is like a total pro at this stuff. She knows how to strut her stuff. And she even was pretty classy about it this time. She didn't flaunt her victory and seemed genuinely congratulatory to the second and third place finishers. I mean, probably she was just really good at the acting, but still, she knows that honey catches more flies than vinegar or whatever the old saying was that my grandma used to say.
So yeah, I was really proud of her. It made me pleased to be her boyfriend, seeing her win and being such a good winner about it. Afterward, with me, she acted like it was no big deal, just another college pageant, but when I kept telling her how amazing she was, she actually blushed a little. Christina and Brady were in the audience, too, and the paranoid part of me was afraid someone would recognize Christina as the winner from last year and steal some of the spotlight away from Lizzy, but that didn't happen at all. I think Lizzy liked having them there. Christina was very congratulatory afterwards and shared my sentiment that it wasn't even close.
So that was a great night. And the next night for our dateversary, also amazing. Lizzy was so happy with the fancy French restaurant I took her to after the art gallery opening we attended. She kept going on and on about the artists she knew or didn't know and how the work was typical or atypical. I just listened and smiled, more than happy to have her keep talking. I know what passion is like, and I'm so happy to see her showing it for something beyond pageants. While we were at the opening, she even offered to sneak me a glass of campaign, since she's of the legal drinking age and I'm still six weeks shy of 21, but I figured best not to risk it out in public. I didn't want anything to ruin our special night.
The restaurant was stellar, too. We don't usually go for something quite so fancy, but this was artsy and glamorous and I knew Lizzy would love the extra attention the wait staff gave us. So that was great, and afterwards, well, the whole night was just a lot of fun. Lizzy is a lot of fun, and I think she's softening up quite a bit from the highly competitive, somewhat obsessive girl I parted ways with two years ago, and even the girl I got back together with last year. She's really great, and I need to focus on finishing school and graduating next year, but if things are still going well at that point, I'd seriously consider asking her to marry me.
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Somewhere, buried deep away in the basement, are the unfinished manuscript pages from that novel began during the months leading up to the birth of my daughter. When we learned about the potential complications with the pregnancy, it seemed like the words just started to flow onto the pages, anything to distract from the real and present risks to life involved with what was happening, but then the words stopped. And now, after all these years and all this pain and thinking that they would never be touched again, I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, with my daughter starting to get interested in writing, if now might be the time...
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Brady is the best boyfriend imaginable! Granted, maybe my imagination is stinted by lack of experience, but I think he's great. I heard from Lizzy all about the awesome anniversary celebration she and Zach had, all this fancy art stuff and a fancy restaurant and everything. I think that's awesome and romantic, but Brady really went above and beyond to find things that he knew I would love. Now, looking back, I don't know why it was his job to make me happy on that day. I mean, it was OUR anniversary. It should have been for both of us. And I even told him that the next day, that he made this amazing night for me and it should have been for us. But like the amazing guy he is, he just smiled and said, "It was for us."
Let me explain to you why I think Brady is so great. Our evening started out with Brady giving me his anniversary present for me: tickets to a book reading and signing by one of my favorite authors in the fall. This was great for two reasons: it's a book reading and signing by one of my favorite authors AND it's four months away, which shows commitment to our relationship. Not that I doubted Brady's commitment at this point, and if I'm being realistic, simply buying tickets for an event four months out isn't a guarantee of our relationship actually lasting, but I really believe it will last, and Brady's actions show that he does, too.
So that was the first part. The next part was a poetry reading. This is where the "it was for us" might actually be true because, although he doesn't like to admit it to Zach too much, Brady really does like poetry, even romantic poetry. I think I even saw a tear in his eye during one of the more moving pieces. I smiled and squeezed his hand. He looked at me and the admiration in his eyes, for me, for the poetry, for both, spoke more words to me than the poem had. It was beautiful.
Then it was dinner time. Brady didn't just take me to some restaurant for this. He took me to a candlelit dinner set up specially for us on the middle of the track field. Some might think that's cheesy, but I thought it was great. It was like something from a novel. There were roses and moonlight plus candlelight and my favorite foods and even a violinist that Brady met in one of his classes and got to come play for us. It was so great.
And the night wasn't done yet. To top it all off, we went to the science department's observatory where we got to gaze at the stars and Brady presented me with a certificate about how he had "officially" named a star after me. He was quick to tell me that it was fake and that getting a certificate that was actually official cost a couple hundred dollars, but to me, that just made it even better. People like Bridget, they just throw money around because they have it. I know Brady's family does decently well, but he doesn't flaunt that and he makes his own way and finds ways to be creative. Besides, I'm pretty sure the romantic dinner on the track field cost quite a bit, so you might as well save money elsewhere where you can!
So Lizzy might think she's got a great guy who'll do anything for her, and she's probably right, but no matter how many arguments she might make, I know that my guy's the best and that's something I will never deny.
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When I look at the stars at night, I think of you and all the things we used to do, and how maybe, one day, I could be a poet, too. Could it be that you're looking down at me and thinking these same things, too?
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I sometimes think about how my life would have been so different if Alyse had reacted differently in the park that fateful day. Might she simply have wrinkled up her nose in disgust at me? Might she have demanded I erase that photo I accidentally took of her and go away, never to be seen again? Might she have scoffed and mocked me? No, none of these things were possible, not with the Alyse I know and love. If she had been a different person, maybe, but then she wouldn't have been Alyse and it all would have been different anyway. But would that be better? Would we all be happier if it hadn't been Alyse sitting on that bench that day waiting unknowingly for me to take a photo of her? I don't know, and I don't like to think about that, but from all the pain, came something beautiful and good: our daughter. And her, I wouldn't trade for the world.
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Sometimes I wonder what really happened to my dad. I mean, my mom so agonized over telling me about how he ran away to the farm in South Dakota that for a good many years, I thought it had to be true. But as you grow older, you start to wonder about how many of the things your parents tell you are really true and how much they just kind-of made up because they thought it would be easier than telling the truth. Did my dad really run away to another state? Is he really living somewhere out in the country? Does he have some other family he loves now? Or is he really somewhere closer to home, somewhere I'd never see him but that my mom doesn't want to tell me about? Would I even recognize him if I did see him? It was so long ago, I'm not even sure I have a memory of his face. Somewhere there must be a photo of him, but I think my mom all threw them out not long after he left, so it might be hard to find. And why did he leave? My mom never told me that and I was never brave enough to ask. As much confidence as I show, I'm really pretty scared when it comes to learning the truth about my father. And why would I need to learn the truth anyway? He left mom and me all alone. Isn't that enough? There's no satisfactory explanation for that. Nothing that would make it okay. Did he even love us at all? And if he did, how could he just leave like that? When you really love someone, you're supposed to work it out, right? And if you don't love them, well, why were you with them to begin with? As I get older, it makes me nervous about the whole thought of getting married at all. Why commit yourself to someone who might just get bored of you and leave at any time? I want a man, I want a good man, a man like the man I have. But how can I know he'll always stay good? If he married me, would I be able to say yes? Or would I think of my mom and dad and get afraid and run away from a good thing? Dad, wherever you are, sometimes I really hate you.
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I'm sorry, my love. I'm sorry for all I've done, for all the wrongs. I don't express it well, I never have, but I've thought it before and I'll think it again: I love you and, in my own way, your mother, too. There is room in a man's heart for more than one love, even if he never says he loves you at all. Maybe one day I'll find you again. I know I can't make it right and I can never explain what I did. I can never speak the way I think; I don't do that. I just don't. Emotions don't work like that. They're private, and can't be shared in words. But sometimes, with a look or a touch, they come through. I failed before with you, and I think I've failed with my other children, too, but maybe it isn't fully too late. Maybe I can still do something good for you. If I ever find you, maybe I'll ask you if you think that's possible. But more likely, I won't be able to. Emotions aren't meant to be shared in words.
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I can't believe it's summer vacation time again already! My dad and I are planning a special vacation this year, just the two of us. I'll miss Brady of course, but I need some time with my dad. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to go see the Grand Canyon. I've never seen it before. My dad's seen it before and says it's beautiful, but he's excited to see it again and take some really great pictures. I'm glad my dad takes pictures of things. It's nice to have memories and mementos of things. Some things, no matter how badly you want to remember them, they seem to fade away if you don't have something physical to remember them by. Dad says he's really looking forward to spending time with his little girl. I'm just growing up so fast, apparently. I feel like he's treating me a little bit like a little kid, but I know it must be hard to see your daughter growing up. And I know, how I know, that I look even more like my mother now than before. I keep that old photo of her, back from before I was born, and I still look at it sometimes to remind myself that she was real and that she really, truly lives on in me. She was beautiful. And even though I never knew her, I miss her still. But that's a sad thought. This summer is going to be full of new, happy memories. Beautiful memories. I can't wait.
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