Being a doctor is really rough sometimes. I might save a hundred lives, but there's always the one or two or ten that you couldn't save, or worse yet, the ones you think maybe you could have, but you didn't. The hardest are the ones that die young. Working as an ER doctor, I get some cases that are just people being paranoid or extra cautious. You might think those are annoying, but when I have time to deal with those things and there's no one about to die coming to see me, those are the great days. I love having to stitch up a little boy's knee and joking with him about how tough the scar is going to make him (even though there won't be much of a scar to speak of). What I don't love is... well... there's this one in particular that really got to me. I've had situations similar to it before, but for some reason, this one just hit me a little harder than usual. It's just one more time I couldn't save someone, and yet, to those who loved this person, it was a precious life that they're not ready to give up yet. Are any of us really ready? Even a doctor like me who sees nearly every day that death is inevitable, can I ever be ready? For some doctors, seeing all that death makes them so ready they choose to take their own lives, but not me, I'm going to keep living and I'm going to keep fighting for others to live, too. Really, it's all I can ever hope to do.
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It's the season of love for everyone but me it seems. Lizzy is still dating my ex and Chris is still thrilled to be with Brady. I'm happy for both of them, well, Chris quite a bit more so that Lizzy, but you can't help but be a little bitter about someone else ending up with your man, even if it is someone as cool as Lizzy with someone I don't really want to be with anyway.
But who do I want to be with? I thought I wanted a guy that likes to party, a guy like me. I had thought that was what Zach would be. That was the main reach I finally agreed to date him. That and I like to reward persistence. But who's persistently pursuing me now? Seems like no one. Maybe that's just because I decided not to rejoin the sorority this semester. I was already barely involved last semester. It was like the opposite of the previous year. That first year, I didn't have a room at the house and still spent like all of my time there. This year, I actually got a room and spent like none of my time there. I'm pretty sure they were about ready to kick me out before I left voluntarily, though the kicking may have simply been symbolic since I spent like none of my time there.
But yeah, I guess I just realized that my real friends are my friends like Chris, who are good and decent and don't just want to go out and get drunk. You know, people that are like the opposite of me. I'm just so glad that I didn't wear off on Chris. Her dad was always so worried about that. I don't know why. Sometimes Chris is easily influenced, but only by good influences, not by the likes of me. I suppose I did play some tiny role in getting her and Brady together, though mostly that happened by accident.
Well anyway, I don't want to get down in the dumps. Maybe what I need to do is go out and have some fun. Not a crazy drunken amount of fun, just like, go out to a movie or something. Maybe Chris would like to go with me. We could go out to a nice chick flick or something, a movie Brady isn't so likely to have gone to see with her. Brady is a sensitive guy; he probably would be happy to go see a rom-com with Chris, but why should he have to take that hit. No, I'll bite the bullet and go out to a chick flick with my girl. I wonder what's playing?
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Jamie is back from her study abroad this semester! Yeah, she was in Italy for four months. It's crazy all this stuff that she manages to do. I think it's really great. The best part about having her back, though, was getting to introduce her to Brady. Now all three of us get to have secret sign language conversations, though obvious Jamie is way better at it than the two of us are. I think in a little while, there might be four or possibly even five of us that know some basic sign language. Zach was the first to get interested, and I think Bridget might finally be coming around, too. I think she feels like she doesn't get to spend enough time with me, considering that she's even willing to spend time with me learning sign language. I tell her I always have time for her. Maybe we can set up some sort of movie night or something so Brady doesn't have to suffer through another chick flick with me. I'll have to mention that to her at some point. But anyway, I am glad that she's showing a little bit of interest in learning sign language.
The only hold out is Lizzy. She doesn't see the point. She thinks she can always just write things down if she needs to, and if she encounters someone who's both deaf and illiterate, well that's just silly and she probably would have little interest in communicating with them anyway. Sometimes Lizzy is a real pain like that, but I think if the rest of us get better at sign language and start using it in front of her and she's the only one that doesn't understand, it'll drive her crazy and she'll finally give in. She'd probably secretly learn on her own and not tell us, thinking we're saying something bad about her, and then try to catch us in the act, which wouldn't happen since we wouldn't be saying something bad about her. But that's the kind of thing Lizzy would do. She's a little paranoid sometimes. I guess if calling her "paranoid" is considered "bad", we might say that about her, and if she considers that bad, I guess the "paranoia" will be justified and then won't be so bad after all.
Ouch. Now I'm making my head hurt. All I wanted to say is that I'm excited to have another of my friends back in my life. It's so nice to meet new people and develop these relationships. Some relationships, I kind-of hope are going to last a long, long time.
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Despite my initial and lingering fear, Alyse and I had a lot of fun those first five months after she found out she was pregnant. I took a photo of her in the same spot in our house every day. It was fun to see how she grew over time. When we looked at the pictures, six months into the pregnancy, she pouted her lips and complained about how fat she was getting, but then just smiled and laughed and I laughed, too.
It was a couple weeks after that, just into the start of the third trimester when Alyse's doctor noticed something off. The baby didn't seem to be growing quite as fast as it should and Alyse seemed to have some mineral deficiencies when they did some blood work. It wasn't too alarming, they told us, but something to keep an eye on. I could tell Alyse was worried for the baby, but she told me she was sure it would be fine. She even tried to distract herself by working on her new book.
I was worried, too, for the baby and Alyse. This was our first child, and I really didn't want to lose him or her, but I knew that Alyse would be even more devastated. I can't imagine what it would be like to carry a new life inside your body for nine months, but to have that life taken from you before you even got to hold it in your arms? The thought of that was awful to me, I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be for Alyse, and that made me feel at least a fraction of the pain I knew she must be feeling.
But Alyse was strong and chose to remain optimistic. I hugged her and kissed her and we kept smiling and laughing and I definitely kept taking those photos, all the way up until the day our baby was born. And that day... oh that day... I can't talk about it, not yet. I just can't.
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