Every night I light a candle hoping you'll come home. I look out my bedroom window and wish upon a star that I might see you again one day.
Mom says it's never going to happen, but I just can't believe that's true. I believe; you just need a candle to light your way.
My tiny little candle, shining out into the darkness: How could it make any difference at all?
Well, in the darkness, a little light seems to go a long way.
Am I wrong? Maybe. But what is life if we don't have hope?
Hope and light, that's what I'm clinging onto. Daddy, please do the same. Your little girl wants you to come home.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Stars
When I look out at the stars, I wonder about all those far off galaxies I'm always hearing about and whether there could be life in any of them. All those planets in all those systems, there must be another one out there like ours, able to support and sustain life. It wouldn't even have to be particularly intelligent life, though it would be nice if there were creatures out there with whom we could communicate. I suppose its more likely that it isn't particularly intelligent, the life that might be out there. After all, if they were intelligent, wouldn't they have found us by now? We've been searching for them for decades and there's nothing. They can't be any smarter than we are or they would have found us by now.
Well, maybe I'm just being impatient. It will take time, I know that. Technology has only advanced so far. Even with all we've discovered about photons and tachyons and quarions, there's still so much room for improvement. Our probes still only reach out another couple light-years per second. The universe is big. Very big. It will take time to search it all. I just really hoped we'd find something in my lifetime.
My friends think I'm crazy. There's no other life out there, they say. We are alone in the universe, the sole masters of our domain. That's good, they tell me. It means we can do whatever we want with all that space and existence out there. We don't have to share with anyone. No need to establish diplomatic relationships with another planet, which wouldn't even be possible until we could by some miracle come to understand them and there completely alien culture and language. It's better if we're the only ones out there.
But I know I'm not the only one who hopes we find something, someone, out there among the stars. If I were the only one, there wouldn't be all these scientists so much smarter than I am sending out the probes to begin with. They're curious and hopeful, just like I am. They want there to be other life out there, and they know that the odds favor us finding something somewhere, someday, even if it's thousands of years from now.
When I grow older, I'll be right there among them, studying the stars, sending out probes, researching ways to make it all more efficient in the search, but for now, I'm just a child with a dream, wishing upon the far off stars.
So I just keep looking out from my window at night, wondering if there's anything else out there. I see our moons in the night sky, outshining the stars, and wonder if our simple planet of Kanath is all there is, or if there might be something more, someone else, out there in the universe.
Well, maybe I'm just being impatient. It will take time, I know that. Technology has only advanced so far. Even with all we've discovered about photons and tachyons and quarions, there's still so much room for improvement. Our probes still only reach out another couple light-years per second. The universe is big. Very big. It will take time to search it all. I just really hoped we'd find something in my lifetime.
My friends think I'm crazy. There's no other life out there, they say. We are alone in the universe, the sole masters of our domain. That's good, they tell me. It means we can do whatever we want with all that space and existence out there. We don't have to share with anyone. No need to establish diplomatic relationships with another planet, which wouldn't even be possible until we could by some miracle come to understand them and there completely alien culture and language. It's better if we're the only ones out there.
But I know I'm not the only one who hopes we find something, someone, out there among the stars. If I were the only one, there wouldn't be all these scientists so much smarter than I am sending out the probes to begin with. They're curious and hopeful, just like I am. They want there to be other life out there, and they know that the odds favor us finding something somewhere, someday, even if it's thousands of years from now.
When I grow older, I'll be right there among them, studying the stars, sending out probes, researching ways to make it all more efficient in the search, but for now, I'm just a child with a dream, wishing upon the far off stars.
So I just keep looking out from my window at night, wondering if there's anything else out there. I see our moons in the night sky, outshining the stars, and wonder if our simple planet of Kanath is all there is, or if there might be something more, someone else, out there in the universe.
Character
Who am I? Who am I to you? Are you right? Do you know who I really am? I know you do, because I am nothing without what you think of me. Whatever you think I am, that is what I am. I do not exist outside your imagination. I am just a character, a fictional creation. It doesn't matter what my creator intended. What matters is what you, the reader, view me to be. That is what I truly am. I am all things to all people because I am what each of them wants me to be. That is my purpose and my destiny. You give me life. You make me me. So who am I? That's up to you to decide.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 28
Zach and I were cuddled up on the couch, watching some romantic comedy action flick or something, when Brady walks in, fresh from seeing his old man at the hotel. Now, fresh is definitely the wrong word. Dude looked like a total zombie. I glanced over at him, wondered to myself what was wrong, and heard Zach ask, "Dude, what's wrong?"
Brady collapsed into the chair next to the couch, folded his hands, leaned forward, and staring at the floor mumbled what sounded like, "We have the same father."
Zach paused the movie, twisted himself around on the couch to look at Brady more directly, and asked, "What?"
Brady looked up straight at me and said, "We have the same father."
It took me a second to really comprehend what he was saying, but when I did, I just scoffed. With a nervous laugh I said, "No way. You're crazy."
He just kept staring straight at me. "He knows all about your mom. Her name's Sarah, she used to work for a real estate company, though he doesn't know what she does now. He said she used to smoke, not sure if she still does. When you were born, they had a dog named Rufus apparently? You grew up in a small yellow house on First street. Lizzy, is all of this true?"
I must have been staring at him like he was a ghost or a time traveler or something equally as crazy as the thought that my father would ever in a million years find me. "You live in South Dakota?" I asked, remembering my mom's lame story.
"Yes," Brady said with a timid nod.
"On a pig farm?"
Brady looked confused. "Well, no," he said. "We have chickens and a couple cows, but mostly we grow crops."
I let out a little snort. "Well at least mom was one for two," I muttered.
There was silence for a moment. No one else said a word, but I felt Zach's hand reach up and give my shoulder a supportive squeeze. I felt tears starting to form in my eyes. I hated it.
"What else did he say," was all I could manage.
Brady shrugged. "Nothing really."
"Did he... did he say he loves me?" I don't know why I asked such a stupid thing in front of my boyfriend and his roommate, but there it was, it was out there.
A look of pain and regret immediately crossed over Brady's face. "He was in shock," he said, "I'm sure that..."
I sneered and looked away as I tried to wipe the tears that had started to from without anyone noticing. "Nothing's changed," I said, staring at the paused TV screen. "Let's finish watching the movie."
-----
Lizzy might have said that nothing changed, but I knew every thing had changed, for her and Brady both. We didn't see Brady's father again that trip. He must have just stayed at his hotel and then quietly taken his plane ride back home. I overhead Brady having a phone conversation that certainly sounded like it was with his father, but I was not about to ask him about it. Dude needs his space.
I think Lizzy needs some space, too, and some time, time to figure things out. I'm going to be here for her, supporting her, comforting her if that's what she needs. I have to admit, I've never seen her like this, weak and unsure. She's always so confident, putting on a brave and sure face for everyone. I know it might sound cruel, but somehow, seeing her like this, seeing her humanity, it makes me love her even more. And it makes me hurt for her at the same time.
Christina showed up a couple days later, just before classes started. She knew immediately something was wrong from the way we were all just moping about. It immediately sucked the joy out of her arrival. I felt kind-of bad for her. I guess Brady had tried to put on a strong voice for her over the phone and had waited to tell her in person about what had happened. They went off to his room and had a talk and when they came out again, I saw Chris with tears in her eyes, not even trying to hide them, and she walked straight up to Lizzy and gave her a huge hug.
I thought that was the worst thing that Chris could possibly do, but to my surprise, after Lizzy seemed to get over the initial shock of the hug, she hugged Christina back and started crying, freely and without shame. The two of them just stood there, hugging and crying, and I saw Brady motion to me and we off into our rooms, put on our headphones, and let them have their moment. I would have never guessed that Christina hugging Lizzy like that would do any good, but I guess even after all this time, I can still be surprised by Lizzy's reactions to things. And Christina, this was the second time she'd managed to make things alright with Lizzy, or at least as alright as they could be. That girl really was amazing
-----
I don't know if I'll ever really be alright, but having Christina here makes me feel a whole lot better. I know, I'm being a sappy silly stupid girl, but it's true. Girlfriends are great. I never thought I'd consider Christina my friend when I first met her. From the moment I saw her, I hated her guts. I was jealous and angry and bitter towards her for a long time. Even after we became "friends", I wasn't sure if she was really my friend or if I was just biding my time until I could get back at her. But now, well, I think she really cares. And she shows the emotions that I never have and the support I've never had. I mean, a part of me still hates her for being so good when I know I've been so bad, but I think I need her. I think she's good for me. And even if a part of me does still hate her at times, I think I can really, truly, call her my friend.
-----
A few days after Christina arrived, Lizzy asked me for our father's phone number and I was all too happy to give it to her, but she didn't call him. I know because I called him and nervously asked and he said he hadn't heard a thing from her or her mother. Weeks passed and Lizzy said nothing more about our father. I really wanted to encourage her to talk to him, but Christina thought it was best if I let her be. Lizzy seemed a bit in a funk still, but she was slowly coming out of it. "Just give her time," Christina told me. "She'll come around." After all Christina had done for me and for Lizzy, I trusted that she knew best. I put a lot of faith in her. God, how I loved her.
It was a couple more weeks after that when all four of us were hanging out, Zach was browsing the internet, and then he looked up and said, "Hey there's a beauty pageant next week just a few towns over. Did you know about this, Lizzy?"
She just shrugged. "Maybe I heard about it," she said. "I don't really feel like competing."
I think Zach about fell off the couch when he heard that. At the very least it left him completely speechless, and me, too, but, as usual, Christina knew exactly what to say. "Well maybe we could just go watch," she suggested, "you know, check out the competition and stuff without having to worry about beating them all."
Lizzy smiled at her. "Yeah," she said. "That would be fun."
"Maybe we could invite Bridget, too," Christina suggested. "Make it a girls night out."
Lizzy nodded. "Yeah, that would be fine."
And so it was settled, the girls would go out to visit a pageant without competing. It was the strangest thing ever, well, other than the whole Lizzy and I having the same father thing. But that revelation, I think, was what led to all this, for better and for worst.
-----
The pageant was like totally a riot. I was so glad that Lizzy and Christina invite me along. Chris had been hanging out with Brady and with Lizzy a lot lately, and I had been feeling a little left out. I mean, I'm Lizzy's friend, too. I wanted to help Lizzy, too, just like I had helped Christina in the past. I was happy to be included. So that was a lot of fun. We had a nice dinner before the pageant and then we whispered and giggled all through the pageant. We were sitting in the back so I don't think we were too disruptive. Lizzy made all these predictions about the contestants and she was so spot on that it was scary. Christina seemed a little uncomfortable with some of the comments Lizzy made, but she didn't say anything about it. Lizzy just says things sometimes that might seem mean, but she's just joking around, and it makes her feel better about herself. She needed that. And if that had been all that happened that night, it would have been wonderful.
I wish I could tell you that that was all the happened that night. I wish it with my whole heart and soul. But that wasn't the end of the night. We still had to go home. Christina seemed pretty tired and Lizzy was in a pretty good mood, so she offered the drive. That was cool with me. I was a little on the tired side myself. So we piled into the car and were on our way. Christina was sitting in the front seat and fell asleep almost immediately. Lizzy teased her a little, but she couldn't hear anyway, so the two of us just laughed a little about it as we drove along and then Lizzy started talking about the pageant. I was sitting in the back seat right behind her, leaning with my elbow against the window and struggling a little to stay awake myself. As we went on, Lizzy's talking started to slow down and at one point I heard her yawn.
I couldn't help but yawn myself, and then managed to ask, "You doing okay, Lizzy? Want me to drive the rest of the way."
"Yeah, I'm fine." She said. "Let me just turn up the radio a little."
So she did, and we drove on for a while in silence other than that radio playing. And then, I saw the red light. I didn't think anything of it at first. It was just a red light, a temporary delay on our journey home, but as we grew closer, I felt a little concerned, and then more concerned, that Lizzy wasn't going to stop. "Lizzy," I said at normal volume, and then louder, "Lizzy", and then finally, as we were about to roll into the intersection, "Lizzy!"
I heard a little gasp from the front seat, felt the car suddenly start to jerk to stop, and spun my head to the right as the oncoming headlights illuminated the cab of our car just before crashing into us at full speed as they went dark.
-----
There are no words... I just... I have no words. What can I say? There are no words. Bridget, Brady, Christina's father, even Zach, they could never forgive me. How could they? After what I did... It was an accident, I know it was an accident, Zach tells me it was an accident, but do they really think that? Can they ever trust me again? Who could forgive and trust me again after what happened? Now, after this, my refusal to forgive my father for leaving seemed so petty and stupid. How could I ever expect anyone to forgive me if I couldn't forgive him. I go to my purse, I dig through it as tears stream from my eyes and by some miracle, I manage to pull out the piece of paper with the phone number on it. I dial it on my cell phone as I sit alone in the dark, and when the voice on the other end says, "Hello?" I sob, "Daddy? I need you."
-----
The wonderful and terrible day so many years ago, the day my wife and my beautiful baby daughter died and then the amazing doctors managed to bring my daughter back to life, but not my wife, my beautiful, wonderful wife, Alyse, that day I looked down at that new baby girl, the girl who had cost my wife her life and who had almost lost her own life as well, and tears streamed down my face. I had lost the love of my life and gained a new love, a new baby girl who would remind me of my love Alyse every day of my life, and as painful as that was sure to be, I loved that little baby girl from the moment I first saw her through my tear-filled eyes, and I vowed that I would love her forever, my precious Christina, and I would never see her die again.
-----
This story, my story, it ends the same way it began: with my death. All stories end in death: even mine, even yours. Depressing? Disappointing? I suppose it might seem that way, but to think only about the ending, that's to ignore all that happened along the way. And that's what really matters: who and how you love along the way.
My story is done. Some will be sad, and some will never know the difference, but I hope that those I touched will admit that even if they are sad now, that they were still happy to have known me, that I made a difference in their lives. If they could stand over the shell that once was me on the day of my funeral and know that they were glad to know me, if Lizzy and Zach could be happy together, if Lizzy and her father could be reunited, if Brady could remember all the good times, if Bridget could be the brave, bold, and beautiful young woman I know her to be, and if my father, if my father could find a way to go on, to find love and meaning again, and to remember me and my mother as he makes a new and happy life, well, that's the best way I could think of for my story to end.
Brady collapsed into the chair next to the couch, folded his hands, leaned forward, and staring at the floor mumbled what sounded like, "We have the same father."
Zach paused the movie, twisted himself around on the couch to look at Brady more directly, and asked, "What?"
Brady looked up straight at me and said, "We have the same father."
It took me a second to really comprehend what he was saying, but when I did, I just scoffed. With a nervous laugh I said, "No way. You're crazy."
He just kept staring straight at me. "He knows all about your mom. Her name's Sarah, she used to work for a real estate company, though he doesn't know what she does now. He said she used to smoke, not sure if she still does. When you were born, they had a dog named Rufus apparently? You grew up in a small yellow house on First street. Lizzy, is all of this true?"
I must have been staring at him like he was a ghost or a time traveler or something equally as crazy as the thought that my father would ever in a million years find me. "You live in South Dakota?" I asked, remembering my mom's lame story.
"Yes," Brady said with a timid nod.
"On a pig farm?"
Brady looked confused. "Well, no," he said. "We have chickens and a couple cows, but mostly we grow crops."
I let out a little snort. "Well at least mom was one for two," I muttered.
There was silence for a moment. No one else said a word, but I felt Zach's hand reach up and give my shoulder a supportive squeeze. I felt tears starting to form in my eyes. I hated it.
"What else did he say," was all I could manage.
Brady shrugged. "Nothing really."
"Did he... did he say he loves me?" I don't know why I asked such a stupid thing in front of my boyfriend and his roommate, but there it was, it was out there.
A look of pain and regret immediately crossed over Brady's face. "He was in shock," he said, "I'm sure that..."
I sneered and looked away as I tried to wipe the tears that had started to from without anyone noticing. "Nothing's changed," I said, staring at the paused TV screen. "Let's finish watching the movie."
-----
Lizzy might have said that nothing changed, but I knew every thing had changed, for her and Brady both. We didn't see Brady's father again that trip. He must have just stayed at his hotel and then quietly taken his plane ride back home. I overhead Brady having a phone conversation that certainly sounded like it was with his father, but I was not about to ask him about it. Dude needs his space.
I think Lizzy needs some space, too, and some time, time to figure things out. I'm going to be here for her, supporting her, comforting her if that's what she needs. I have to admit, I've never seen her like this, weak and unsure. She's always so confident, putting on a brave and sure face for everyone. I know it might sound cruel, but somehow, seeing her like this, seeing her humanity, it makes me love her even more. And it makes me hurt for her at the same time.
Christina showed up a couple days later, just before classes started. She knew immediately something was wrong from the way we were all just moping about. It immediately sucked the joy out of her arrival. I felt kind-of bad for her. I guess Brady had tried to put on a strong voice for her over the phone and had waited to tell her in person about what had happened. They went off to his room and had a talk and when they came out again, I saw Chris with tears in her eyes, not even trying to hide them, and she walked straight up to Lizzy and gave her a huge hug.
I thought that was the worst thing that Chris could possibly do, but to my surprise, after Lizzy seemed to get over the initial shock of the hug, she hugged Christina back and started crying, freely and without shame. The two of them just stood there, hugging and crying, and I saw Brady motion to me and we off into our rooms, put on our headphones, and let them have their moment. I would have never guessed that Christina hugging Lizzy like that would do any good, but I guess even after all this time, I can still be surprised by Lizzy's reactions to things. And Christina, this was the second time she'd managed to make things alright with Lizzy, or at least as alright as they could be. That girl really was amazing
-----
I don't know if I'll ever really be alright, but having Christina here makes me feel a whole lot better. I know, I'm being a sappy silly stupid girl, but it's true. Girlfriends are great. I never thought I'd consider Christina my friend when I first met her. From the moment I saw her, I hated her guts. I was jealous and angry and bitter towards her for a long time. Even after we became "friends", I wasn't sure if she was really my friend or if I was just biding my time until I could get back at her. But now, well, I think she really cares. And she shows the emotions that I never have and the support I've never had. I mean, a part of me still hates her for being so good when I know I've been so bad, but I think I need her. I think she's good for me. And even if a part of me does still hate her at times, I think I can really, truly, call her my friend.
-----
A few days after Christina arrived, Lizzy asked me for our father's phone number and I was all too happy to give it to her, but she didn't call him. I know because I called him and nervously asked and he said he hadn't heard a thing from her or her mother. Weeks passed and Lizzy said nothing more about our father. I really wanted to encourage her to talk to him, but Christina thought it was best if I let her be. Lizzy seemed a bit in a funk still, but she was slowly coming out of it. "Just give her time," Christina told me. "She'll come around." After all Christina had done for me and for Lizzy, I trusted that she knew best. I put a lot of faith in her. God, how I loved her.
It was a couple more weeks after that when all four of us were hanging out, Zach was browsing the internet, and then he looked up and said, "Hey there's a beauty pageant next week just a few towns over. Did you know about this, Lizzy?"
She just shrugged. "Maybe I heard about it," she said. "I don't really feel like competing."
I think Zach about fell off the couch when he heard that. At the very least it left him completely speechless, and me, too, but, as usual, Christina knew exactly what to say. "Well maybe we could just go watch," she suggested, "you know, check out the competition and stuff without having to worry about beating them all."
Lizzy smiled at her. "Yeah," she said. "That would be fun."
"Maybe we could invite Bridget, too," Christina suggested. "Make it a girls night out."
Lizzy nodded. "Yeah, that would be fine."
And so it was settled, the girls would go out to visit a pageant without competing. It was the strangest thing ever, well, other than the whole Lizzy and I having the same father thing. But that revelation, I think, was what led to all this, for better and for worst.
-----
The pageant was like totally a riot. I was so glad that Lizzy and Christina invite me along. Chris had been hanging out with Brady and with Lizzy a lot lately, and I had been feeling a little left out. I mean, I'm Lizzy's friend, too. I wanted to help Lizzy, too, just like I had helped Christina in the past. I was happy to be included. So that was a lot of fun. We had a nice dinner before the pageant and then we whispered and giggled all through the pageant. We were sitting in the back so I don't think we were too disruptive. Lizzy made all these predictions about the contestants and she was so spot on that it was scary. Christina seemed a little uncomfortable with some of the comments Lizzy made, but she didn't say anything about it. Lizzy just says things sometimes that might seem mean, but she's just joking around, and it makes her feel better about herself. She needed that. And if that had been all that happened that night, it would have been wonderful.
I wish I could tell you that that was all the happened that night. I wish it with my whole heart and soul. But that wasn't the end of the night. We still had to go home. Christina seemed pretty tired and Lizzy was in a pretty good mood, so she offered the drive. That was cool with me. I was a little on the tired side myself. So we piled into the car and were on our way. Christina was sitting in the front seat and fell asleep almost immediately. Lizzy teased her a little, but she couldn't hear anyway, so the two of us just laughed a little about it as we drove along and then Lizzy started talking about the pageant. I was sitting in the back seat right behind her, leaning with my elbow against the window and struggling a little to stay awake myself. As we went on, Lizzy's talking started to slow down and at one point I heard her yawn.
I couldn't help but yawn myself, and then managed to ask, "You doing okay, Lizzy? Want me to drive the rest of the way."
"Yeah, I'm fine." She said. "Let me just turn up the radio a little."
So she did, and we drove on for a while in silence other than that radio playing. And then, I saw the red light. I didn't think anything of it at first. It was just a red light, a temporary delay on our journey home, but as we grew closer, I felt a little concerned, and then more concerned, that Lizzy wasn't going to stop. "Lizzy," I said at normal volume, and then louder, "Lizzy", and then finally, as we were about to roll into the intersection, "Lizzy!"
I heard a little gasp from the front seat, felt the car suddenly start to jerk to stop, and spun my head to the right as the oncoming headlights illuminated the cab of our car just before crashing into us at full speed as they went dark.
-----
There are no words... I just... I have no words. What can I say? There are no words. Bridget, Brady, Christina's father, even Zach, they could never forgive me. How could they? After what I did... It was an accident, I know it was an accident, Zach tells me it was an accident, but do they really think that? Can they ever trust me again? Who could forgive and trust me again after what happened? Now, after this, my refusal to forgive my father for leaving seemed so petty and stupid. How could I ever expect anyone to forgive me if I couldn't forgive him. I go to my purse, I dig through it as tears stream from my eyes and by some miracle, I manage to pull out the piece of paper with the phone number on it. I dial it on my cell phone as I sit alone in the dark, and when the voice on the other end says, "Hello?" I sob, "Daddy? I need you."
-----
The wonderful and terrible day so many years ago, the day my wife and my beautiful baby daughter died and then the amazing doctors managed to bring my daughter back to life, but not my wife, my beautiful, wonderful wife, Alyse, that day I looked down at that new baby girl, the girl who had cost my wife her life and who had almost lost her own life as well, and tears streamed down my face. I had lost the love of my life and gained a new love, a new baby girl who would remind me of my love Alyse every day of my life, and as painful as that was sure to be, I loved that little baby girl from the moment I first saw her through my tear-filled eyes, and I vowed that I would love her forever, my precious Christina, and I would never see her die again.
-----
This story, my story, it ends the same way it began: with my death. All stories end in death: even mine, even yours. Depressing? Disappointing? I suppose it might seem that way, but to think only about the ending, that's to ignore all that happened along the way. And that's what really matters: who and how you love along the way.
My story is done. Some will be sad, and some will never know the difference, but I hope that those I touched will admit that even if they are sad now, that they were still happy to have known me, that I made a difference in their lives. If they could stand over the shell that once was me on the day of my funeral and know that they were glad to know me, if Lizzy and Zach could be happy together, if Lizzy and her father could be reunited, if Brady could remember all the good times, if Bridget could be the brave, bold, and beautiful young woman I know her to be, and if my father, if my father could find a way to go on, to find love and meaning again, and to remember me and my mother as he makes a new and happy life, well, that's the best way I could think of for my story to end.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 27
A funny thing happened over the summer. I don't entirely know what to make of it. My father started to take an interest in me. At the start of the summer, he was his usual self: rarely saying more than two words unless it was to describe what needed to be done in the fields that day. But as the weeks went on, he seemed to get softer in a way I had never seen before. Maybe it's because one of my sisters is going away to college this year. I don't really know. But whatever it was, I noticed the change. It was slow, yet shocking at the same time.
The first time I became aware of it was after working in the field with my dad one day. I still help out at the farm when I'm home, even though I'm not sure I'm really needed with all the hired help around. I enjoy it, and dad never seems to mind, so I keep doing it. But on this particular day, he said something I never thought I'd hear him say: "Well done, son."
It took me aback. I hadn't done anything special that day, it was just an ordinary day, but there were the words, hanging in the air. "Well done, son." I wasn't sure what to make of it. Did he mean in the fields today, or was he trying to say something bigger. After I stared at him with my mouth agape for what must have been far too long, he let out a little grunt and said, "Let's go get supper."
He didn't say, "Well done, son," again for several days after that, probably because I had reacted so poorly, but I noticed other changes. Like at dinner, he would say, "Pass the potatoes, please." Normally, my father just says, "Pass the potatoes." There's no please. He's the man of the house and it's expected that if he wants the potatoes to be passed, they will be passed. I looked up at him suddenly again the first time I noticed him say it, but no one else seemed to think it odd, so I shook it off and let it pass.
The strangest thing of all, though, was when he started asking me about school. "So you didn't want to take summer courses this year?" he asked me one evening. This was surprising because he showed interest and also because I hadn't taken summer courses the year before either, but I managed to eek out a, "No, sir." He nodded and gave a little grunt and that was that.
Over the next few weeks, he continued to ask questions from time to time. How were my courses? What was I majoring in again? Had I considered getting an internship? How did I like my roommate? How was my girlfriend doing? When he asked about my girlfriend, I nearly fell out of my chair. I wasn't even certain my father remembered I had a girlfriend, even though she had been to our house last summer, or if he remembered, that he knew I was still dating her. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe it was a lucky guess. But either way, the question really surprised me. "She's good," I said. And I couldn't help but smile. "She's wonderful, in fact."
And then my father did something I never imaged he would do, even if I had known he would do all the other things he would do that summer. He smiled back at me.
After all of these little surprises, the big surprise ended up not being that surprising. Maybe that was the plan all along, to warm me up to this idea that after all these years my father could really be a father. The big surprise came about 10 days before I was to return to classes. My mother was all fretting and worrying and excited and all in a tizzy and all that stuff about my sister going off to college, and she asked my father if he would come with to help her move in. Now, my sister was going to school very close to home, in the "big city" just an hour away, so it would be very easy for my father to skip out a day of farm work and go see her off. I didn't think he would, but still, with all this in mind, and with all the observations of him over this summer, it wasn't as shocking as it should have been when he said, "Yes." He would come help my sister move in.
But that wasn't the big surprise. The big surprise was when he turned to me and said, "Brady, how would you feel about your old man flying out to see you off this year?"
"At college?" I asked.
He shook his head like he was disappointed. "Of course at college, son," he said. "I could fly out and meet you, help you unpack and that, maybe meet that roommate. Zach was his name? It might be... nice."
This was so totally unlike the father I had known grown up that I might have had a heart attack, even at my young age, had this come totally out of the blue. But he had warmed me up all that summer to the idea that somehow, for some reason, he wanted to be a real father, and so I smiled at him, I actually smiled at my father's suggestion, and said, "Yeah, that would be nice."
"Good," he said with a nice firm nod. And that was that. For my senior year of college, my father would be coming down to my school to see me off. Miracles really must be possible, I thought. Unfortunately, if miracles, those surprising positive events, are possible, then unexpected negative events are just as possible.
-----
All my life, I never knew my father, never wanted to know my father, so I told myself. I mean, I was curious about my dad, but I never wanted to meet the jerk. He had been a jerk, a total jerk, to my mom, just leaving her with me, a new baby, for no good reason. Why would I want anything to do with a guy like that? My mom always said that if he ever came back, if I ever saw him again, that I should tell him that I loved him. Well what kind of sense did that make? How could you love someone you never knew? And if it was your father that you never knew, well, I was sure that if I ever did meet him, all I'd be able to tell him was that I hated him.
And then I met Brady's father. I knew Brady had a father, I mean everyone has a father, and I even knew that Brady knew his father growing up. But it's not like I talked to Brady about his family. Heck, I barely talked about family with Zach, why would I talk about family with Brady? I knew Brady had a father and that he lived on some farm, but that was about it. I never knew anything more and I thought to ask. Why would I? There are millions of farms out there. What are the chances that my father went to the same farm where Brady's father lives? Why would that thought even enter my brain? I have better things to think about.
And then I met Brady's father. I was in the apartment hanging out with Zach. We had moved in a week before. Oh yeah, Zach had asked me to move in, and I had said, yeah that would be cool. Zach told me Brady would be living there, too, and I figured whatever. I could deal with that. So yeah, the three of us were going to live together. Cheap rent and all. So Zach and I were there hanging out, and Brady walks in looking all happy like he usually does this days and in walks this older guy behind him. Brady seems a little awkward, but he introduces the guy to Zach. Dude shakes Zach's hand. Doesn't smile or anything, just a hand shake. Then Brady introduces me. Calls me Elizabeth instead of Lizzy for some reason. Whatever. And when Brady's dad shakes my hand, this look of surprise or shock or something comes over him, just for an instant before he pushes it aside, and he lingers with my hand in his just a little too long. But then he seems to shake it off and it's gone. Brady doesn't seem to notice, but when he and his dad go back outside to start hauling stuff in, just before Zach goes after them, I say to Zach, "What was that about?"
He looks confused like he thinks I'm talking about something he did and he says, "What?"
I probably smirk just a little at his cluelessness as I say, "Brady's dad. He looked at me funny and stuff."
Zach shakes his head. "Dude, I don't know," he said, "but he did shake your hand a little long."
"I know," I said.
Zach gives a little smirk himself and then says jokingly, "Let's hope he's not getting a crush on you."
"Stop. Gross," I say as I punch him playfully in the arm.
"Ouch," he says with a smile as he rubs his injured shoulder and then goes out to help Brady and his dad carry stuff. Maybe I would have helped, too, maybe, but I was a little weirded out by Brady's dad, so I just went back to our room, Zach's and mine, and chilled out until they were done moving junk in.
-----
Her name is Elizabeth, and she looks quite a bit like... but it can't be. That's too much of a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence. I haven't talked to Sarah in years and I haven't since a picture of Elizabeth since she was 10. A lot has changed. So much has changed. I'm sure I'm just imagining things because of the name, and her being around the right age and all, but she's probably not even the right age. She's dating Brady's roommate. She's probably younger than Brady. My Elizabeth would be a good three years older than Brady. No, I'm sure it's not her. It's just an old man's mind playing tricks on him. Why am I getting so soft in my old years? I used to not let any of this sappy crap bother me, back when I was young and it would have been okay to let it bother me. But it's never okay. I just want to connect with my son, if I still can. I know my daughter, my first daughter is lost to me. Right?
-----
I guess Brady's dad decided to stick around for a bit and Brady suggested we all go out for dinner. I guess Brady's dad wanted to meet Zach or something. I wasn't entirely comfortable with going along, but Zach thought I should. Brady's dad still kept looking at me funny. It's not like the "I want you" kind of creepy, it was more like he was afraid of me. I know I can be intimidating, but damn, he's a grown man. No wonder Brady's such a wimp if he's dad's afraid of a little girl. I'm kidding, by the way. Well, mostly.
Anyway, so we go out to dinner, and Brady's dad seems like he's trying really hard to be pleasant and polite and carry on his share of the conversation, but it's really awkward, like he doesn't really know how to behave in social situations. Brady helps him out, though, and Zach does lots of the talking, so it goes okay, I guess. I don't say much, mostly because I'm still trying to figure out what's up with Brady's dad, but as the dinner goes on, he seems to relax a bit.
We're just starting to eat desert when Brady's dad takes a deep breath, looks at me and says, "So Elizabeth, tell me about your parents."
Seems like a strange question to ask the girlfriend of your son's roommate, but whatever. I smirk a little and consider making up some lie about how I have some awesome parents, but that's really not my style, so I decide to tell it like it is: "Well, my mom's not much use to be honest, but she does her best. My jerk of a father ran away when I was an infant, so what can you do." I feel Zach kick me under the table, so I just turn and look at him. "What?" And then when I look back at Brady's father, he looks horrified, and a bit of the smirk fades from my face. I actually feel a little bad. "I'm sorry," I say, "I..."
But he interrupts me before I can go on. "What's your mother's name?" he asks.
I probably sneer again because what does he care. "Her name's Sarah," I say. "Though I don't know why..." I stop short at the look on Brady's dad's face. It's like he's seen a ghost or something.
The three of us just all sit there staring at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. And then he takes out his wallet, plops a hundred dollar bill down on the table and says, "That should cover most of it. I need to go back to my hotel now." And the guy just up and leaves. Walks right out of the restaurant. I look over at Brady, who looks totally mortified, as well he should. I don't say it, because I have some tact, but all I can think at the time, in reference to Brady's father, is, "What a jerk."
-----
It's her. It's really her. I can't believe it, after all these years... what are the odds? This is so unlike me. I'm a man, damn it. I need to man up and act like one, not like a little girl. But she's my little girl. She was my first little girl, the one I ran out on. It wasn't her fault I couldn't live with her mother, and yet she had to suffer. Clearly she suffered. I never used to care so much, but now, I do. I really do. Back when she was lost, I made myself not care about her or about anything really. But now that I've found her again... what's wrong with me?
-----
After that horrible scene at dinner, Zach, Lizzy, and I managed to finish dessert and pay the bill and after I dropped them off at home (thankfully my father had driven his rental car separately), I went to his hotel to see what on earth was going on. My father is a man of few words, so we just sat there for a while until he finally said simply, "Elizabeth is my daughter from my first marriage."
That was it. It was done. He said it and now I knew and no one else did. I wanted to know why and how and so many other things, but what can you say? Especially now at a time when I saw my father, the toughest most frightening most difficult to please man I had ever seen, here in a moment of weakness. I realized that maybe, after all these years, I really didn't know him at all. And neither did Lizzy.
The first time I became aware of it was after working in the field with my dad one day. I still help out at the farm when I'm home, even though I'm not sure I'm really needed with all the hired help around. I enjoy it, and dad never seems to mind, so I keep doing it. But on this particular day, he said something I never thought I'd hear him say: "Well done, son."
It took me aback. I hadn't done anything special that day, it was just an ordinary day, but there were the words, hanging in the air. "Well done, son." I wasn't sure what to make of it. Did he mean in the fields today, or was he trying to say something bigger. After I stared at him with my mouth agape for what must have been far too long, he let out a little grunt and said, "Let's go get supper."
He didn't say, "Well done, son," again for several days after that, probably because I had reacted so poorly, but I noticed other changes. Like at dinner, he would say, "Pass the potatoes, please." Normally, my father just says, "Pass the potatoes." There's no please. He's the man of the house and it's expected that if he wants the potatoes to be passed, they will be passed. I looked up at him suddenly again the first time I noticed him say it, but no one else seemed to think it odd, so I shook it off and let it pass.
The strangest thing of all, though, was when he started asking me about school. "So you didn't want to take summer courses this year?" he asked me one evening. This was surprising because he showed interest and also because I hadn't taken summer courses the year before either, but I managed to eek out a, "No, sir." He nodded and gave a little grunt and that was that.
Over the next few weeks, he continued to ask questions from time to time. How were my courses? What was I majoring in again? Had I considered getting an internship? How did I like my roommate? How was my girlfriend doing? When he asked about my girlfriend, I nearly fell out of my chair. I wasn't even certain my father remembered I had a girlfriend, even though she had been to our house last summer, or if he remembered, that he knew I was still dating her. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe it was a lucky guess. But either way, the question really surprised me. "She's good," I said. And I couldn't help but smile. "She's wonderful, in fact."
And then my father did something I never imaged he would do, even if I had known he would do all the other things he would do that summer. He smiled back at me.
After all of these little surprises, the big surprise ended up not being that surprising. Maybe that was the plan all along, to warm me up to this idea that after all these years my father could really be a father. The big surprise came about 10 days before I was to return to classes. My mother was all fretting and worrying and excited and all in a tizzy and all that stuff about my sister going off to college, and she asked my father if he would come with to help her move in. Now, my sister was going to school very close to home, in the "big city" just an hour away, so it would be very easy for my father to skip out a day of farm work and go see her off. I didn't think he would, but still, with all this in mind, and with all the observations of him over this summer, it wasn't as shocking as it should have been when he said, "Yes." He would come help my sister move in.
But that wasn't the big surprise. The big surprise was when he turned to me and said, "Brady, how would you feel about your old man flying out to see you off this year?"
"At college?" I asked.
He shook his head like he was disappointed. "Of course at college, son," he said. "I could fly out and meet you, help you unpack and that, maybe meet that roommate. Zach was his name? It might be... nice."
This was so totally unlike the father I had known grown up that I might have had a heart attack, even at my young age, had this come totally out of the blue. But he had warmed me up all that summer to the idea that somehow, for some reason, he wanted to be a real father, and so I smiled at him, I actually smiled at my father's suggestion, and said, "Yeah, that would be nice."
"Good," he said with a nice firm nod. And that was that. For my senior year of college, my father would be coming down to my school to see me off. Miracles really must be possible, I thought. Unfortunately, if miracles, those surprising positive events, are possible, then unexpected negative events are just as possible.
-----
All my life, I never knew my father, never wanted to know my father, so I told myself. I mean, I was curious about my dad, but I never wanted to meet the jerk. He had been a jerk, a total jerk, to my mom, just leaving her with me, a new baby, for no good reason. Why would I want anything to do with a guy like that? My mom always said that if he ever came back, if I ever saw him again, that I should tell him that I loved him. Well what kind of sense did that make? How could you love someone you never knew? And if it was your father that you never knew, well, I was sure that if I ever did meet him, all I'd be able to tell him was that I hated him.
And then I met Brady's father. I knew Brady had a father, I mean everyone has a father, and I even knew that Brady knew his father growing up. But it's not like I talked to Brady about his family. Heck, I barely talked about family with Zach, why would I talk about family with Brady? I knew Brady had a father and that he lived on some farm, but that was about it. I never knew anything more and I thought to ask. Why would I? There are millions of farms out there. What are the chances that my father went to the same farm where Brady's father lives? Why would that thought even enter my brain? I have better things to think about.
And then I met Brady's father. I was in the apartment hanging out with Zach. We had moved in a week before. Oh yeah, Zach had asked me to move in, and I had said, yeah that would be cool. Zach told me Brady would be living there, too, and I figured whatever. I could deal with that. So yeah, the three of us were going to live together. Cheap rent and all. So Zach and I were there hanging out, and Brady walks in looking all happy like he usually does this days and in walks this older guy behind him. Brady seems a little awkward, but he introduces the guy to Zach. Dude shakes Zach's hand. Doesn't smile or anything, just a hand shake. Then Brady introduces me. Calls me Elizabeth instead of Lizzy for some reason. Whatever. And when Brady's dad shakes my hand, this look of surprise or shock or something comes over him, just for an instant before he pushes it aside, and he lingers with my hand in his just a little too long. But then he seems to shake it off and it's gone. Brady doesn't seem to notice, but when he and his dad go back outside to start hauling stuff in, just before Zach goes after them, I say to Zach, "What was that about?"
He looks confused like he thinks I'm talking about something he did and he says, "What?"
I probably smirk just a little at his cluelessness as I say, "Brady's dad. He looked at me funny and stuff."
Zach shakes his head. "Dude, I don't know," he said, "but he did shake your hand a little long."
"I know," I said.
Zach gives a little smirk himself and then says jokingly, "Let's hope he's not getting a crush on you."
"Stop. Gross," I say as I punch him playfully in the arm.
"Ouch," he says with a smile as he rubs his injured shoulder and then goes out to help Brady and his dad carry stuff. Maybe I would have helped, too, maybe, but I was a little weirded out by Brady's dad, so I just went back to our room, Zach's and mine, and chilled out until they were done moving junk in.
-----
Her name is Elizabeth, and she looks quite a bit like... but it can't be. That's too much of a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence. I haven't talked to Sarah in years and I haven't since a picture of Elizabeth since she was 10. A lot has changed. So much has changed. I'm sure I'm just imagining things because of the name, and her being around the right age and all, but she's probably not even the right age. She's dating Brady's roommate. She's probably younger than Brady. My Elizabeth would be a good three years older than Brady. No, I'm sure it's not her. It's just an old man's mind playing tricks on him. Why am I getting so soft in my old years? I used to not let any of this sappy crap bother me, back when I was young and it would have been okay to let it bother me. But it's never okay. I just want to connect with my son, if I still can. I know my daughter, my first daughter is lost to me. Right?
-----
I guess Brady's dad decided to stick around for a bit and Brady suggested we all go out for dinner. I guess Brady's dad wanted to meet Zach or something. I wasn't entirely comfortable with going along, but Zach thought I should. Brady's dad still kept looking at me funny. It's not like the "I want you" kind of creepy, it was more like he was afraid of me. I know I can be intimidating, but damn, he's a grown man. No wonder Brady's such a wimp if he's dad's afraid of a little girl. I'm kidding, by the way. Well, mostly.
Anyway, so we go out to dinner, and Brady's dad seems like he's trying really hard to be pleasant and polite and carry on his share of the conversation, but it's really awkward, like he doesn't really know how to behave in social situations. Brady helps him out, though, and Zach does lots of the talking, so it goes okay, I guess. I don't say much, mostly because I'm still trying to figure out what's up with Brady's dad, but as the dinner goes on, he seems to relax a bit.
We're just starting to eat desert when Brady's dad takes a deep breath, looks at me and says, "So Elizabeth, tell me about your parents."
Seems like a strange question to ask the girlfriend of your son's roommate, but whatever. I smirk a little and consider making up some lie about how I have some awesome parents, but that's really not my style, so I decide to tell it like it is: "Well, my mom's not much use to be honest, but she does her best. My jerk of a father ran away when I was an infant, so what can you do." I feel Zach kick me under the table, so I just turn and look at him. "What?" And then when I look back at Brady's father, he looks horrified, and a bit of the smirk fades from my face. I actually feel a little bad. "I'm sorry," I say, "I..."
But he interrupts me before I can go on. "What's your mother's name?" he asks.
I probably sneer again because what does he care. "Her name's Sarah," I say. "Though I don't know why..." I stop short at the look on Brady's dad's face. It's like he's seen a ghost or something.
The three of us just all sit there staring at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. And then he takes out his wallet, plops a hundred dollar bill down on the table and says, "That should cover most of it. I need to go back to my hotel now." And the guy just up and leaves. Walks right out of the restaurant. I look over at Brady, who looks totally mortified, as well he should. I don't say it, because I have some tact, but all I can think at the time, in reference to Brady's father, is, "What a jerk."
-----
It's her. It's really her. I can't believe it, after all these years... what are the odds? This is so unlike me. I'm a man, damn it. I need to man up and act like one, not like a little girl. But she's my little girl. She was my first little girl, the one I ran out on. It wasn't her fault I couldn't live with her mother, and yet she had to suffer. Clearly she suffered. I never used to care so much, but now, I do. I really do. Back when she was lost, I made myself not care about her or about anything really. But now that I've found her again... what's wrong with me?
-----
After that horrible scene at dinner, Zach, Lizzy, and I managed to finish dessert and pay the bill and after I dropped them off at home (thankfully my father had driven his rental car separately), I went to his hotel to see what on earth was going on. My father is a man of few words, so we just sat there for a while until he finally said simply, "Elizabeth is my daughter from my first marriage."
That was it. It was done. He said it and now I knew and no one else did. I wanted to know why and how and so many other things, but what can you say? Especially now at a time when I saw my father, the toughest most frightening most difficult to please man I had ever seen, here in a moment of weakness. I realized that maybe, after all these years, I really didn't know him at all. And neither did Lizzy.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 26
The Grand Canyon is beautiful. I remember coming here so long ago, nearly 22 years ago, back before Christina was born, back before her mother died, back before the pain and the heartache and the joy. I wish, oh how I wish, my one true love had been here to share it all with me, the joy of raising our beautiful daughter, of seeing her stand here today with a proud look on her face as she looks out over the vastness of the Canyon. The wind blows her long golden hair away from her face and she closes her eyes for a moment as she enjoys its coolness refreshing her against the hot desert sun. My love, how I wish you could be here to witness this, that I had not lost you so long ago. Some might say twenty years is plenty long to get over such a heart-wrenching lose. I think an eternity is still not long enough. Seeing our beautiful daughter every day of her young life, seeing her grow to look so much like you, the sparkle in her eye and in her mind, reminding me of all I'd lost and yet of all I'd gained, it was almost too much to bear. But I carried on because I love her even as I love you, and as I always will.
Time can never cure me fully, love, but I know now is the time to pass something on to her, that precious thing I thought would never again see the light of day, my last memory of you, the thing I never shared with anyone before because to do so would be to finally realize, once and for all, that you are gone. Christina, she is her mother's daughter, but she is not you, and she never will be. I hope she realizes that when I give this to her, I'm not asking her to fill your shoes, I'm just asking her to gain a deeper understanding of who you were, and in gaining that, to truly find her own path.
-----
My father took many gorgeous pictures today, but there was a sadness in his eyes. When I asked him what was wrong, he admitted to me that this was where he had taken my mother on their honeymoon. I had never known that before, had never thought to ask. My father had shown me many pictures of my mother over the years, including the first picture he ever took of her, the picture I believed to be the most precious of all, but perhaps those photos of their first trip together as husband and wife were even more precious still.
I can't understand the bond marriage creates, I really can't. It seems such a strange thing, that one day you would be single and the next you would be wed. Why should it make such a difference? Yet I feel for my father, it must have made all the difference in the world. Why else would he show me photos from before and from after, but not from during that sacred transformation? I never thought to ask before because there was so much else he shared, but now I wonder why. I was never really religious, and neither was my father. Spiritual, maybe, believing in a high power, but not religious or superstitious or anything like that. But now, being here with him, seeing all this beauty and realizing all the things he never told me, I wonder if there is so much more I don't really understand.
My father gave me a gift this evening. I'm afraid to read it yet, but I know that one day I will. It's a book, an unfinished book, that my mother had started when she was pregnant with me. I was going to be her next great novel, before she died giving birth to me. My father says that even he hasn't read more than a few pages of it. She shared much of her work with him, but not all, and he could never bring himself to read this manuscript in its entirety, or in as much of its entirety as there is. Now, he says, he feels that is a blessing, because now he can give it as a gift to me, a piece of my mother that only she and I will share, a special bond, a piece of her that only I will know and carry on. If I choose to share it with others, he said, that would be my choice, but he's giving it only to me, and he wants me to have it, so that I can see another part of who she was.
I asked him if he was scared, giving me something she had written that he hadn't read. How did he know it would be safe for me? He just smiled and said that trust outlives death and that whatever my mother was writing, she was writing while I was growing inside of her and surely that joy and anticipation would spill over into what she wrote, though he warned me it was possible there might be a little fear as well, though. "You're an adult now, though," he said. "This is something you have a right and a privilege to. If you'd rather never read it, do the same thing I did, keep it a mystery, I'd understand, but I think you have a right to that choice and I don't want to feel compelled to make that choice for you."
So there the book sits, on the nightstand beside me bed in this 3.5 star hotel, waiting for me to get up my nerve to open it and read it. Will I like what it has to say? All my life, I've had this beautiful, perfect view of my mother, given to me from my father. Now he's given me something real: incomplete words from her own hands, unpublished, seen by no one living. Do I really have the strength to accept such a gift? Only time will tell. And I'm still young. I have all the time in the world, right? I suppose that's what my mother thought, too...
-----
Christina seemed a lot more somber when I talked to her on the phone today. She just got back from her trip to the Grand Canyon, so I expected her to be overflowing with excitement and stories about all the beautiful things she saw. But instead, the first thing she told me was about this book her father gave her, some of the last words her mother wrote before she died. "What do you think?" she asked me. "Should I read it?"
It gave me a certain amount of comfort and honor to hear her ask for my thoughts, but I knew immediately that this was not a decision I could make for her, or that I could even help her make. And I told her as much.
She sighed. "I know," she said. "My father basically said the same thing."
With another sigh and a brief pause, she seemed to lighten a bit, and then launched into all the stories I had been expecting to hear from the start, but I know the thoughts of her mother's writing still lingered with her. Would she read those precious words? Could she read the precious words? If I had lost a parent and the survivor had given me such a gift, would I be able to read those words? If I ever discovered my father had written something no one else had read, I'm not sure I could stop myself, whether he was living or dead. But Christina's situation is different. Everyone's situation is different. I don't know what she'll do, and that's okay. I'll love her no matter what she decides.
-----
"To my precious son or daughter: I don't know when you'll be born or even what we'll decide to name you when you arrive. We've got some options, but your parents are spontaneous and have decided to wait until the last minute to really decide. We're spontaneous and excited, but also a little scared. The doctors have told me I'm at high risk in this pregnancy and there's a chance that one or both of us won't make it to the other side alive. I pray with all of my heart that if only one of us survives, that it will be you. I've lived my life, young though it may be, and I've found my love, though I know he will be devastated if I have to leave him. I know he knows how I love him, and I know how he loves me. We tell each other every day. And I know that he will love you, no matter what may happen.
I'm also as certain as I can be that he will never read these words should I pass away. But maybe he'll pass them on to you. If I'm wrong and he does read them, I want him to know what he already knows: that I love him with all my heart and that I love you, my precious son or daughter, too, and that he should tell you so every day. But if I'm right and he doesn't read this, then these words are for you. I don't know you yet, but I know you are special, and I know you'll do great things, and I know that your father will always be there for you. And I'm there for you, too. Maybe you didn't realize it, but I was always there. My spirit lives on in the love your father will surely show to you.
If I am wrong about any of this, then I am sorry, but I know I'm not. I will always love you. He will always love you. And you will be bold and smart and beautiful and likely will chance the world in a way I never could. Whatever you choose to do, you'll be great, and I'll be so proud of you.
Love you always. From your mother, Alyse."
I cried when I read those words on a page glued in to the middle of the book my father had given me. I know she was right, that he never read them. He surely would have told me if he did. How could she have known him so well, known what would happen? How could she have been so brave to continue on with her pregnancy even knowing it might cost her her life? My father had never told me that part. But now I knew, and somehow, I didn't think it right to tell him I knew. The tears just kept coming. Summer vacation was almost over, and it was almost time to go back to school and see Brady again. I should be happy, excited, but now, I just felt sad. But yet, somehow, there was a sense of peace. I had never spoken to my mother, and I have no memories of her speaking to me, not a single word. But here was something she had written directly to me and to me alone. How could she have known? In my mind, these words, and how they had all come to pass, it was nothing short of a beautiful, wonderful miracle. Some might see it as terrifying and cruel, but I will always choose to see it as beautiful.
Time can never cure me fully, love, but I know now is the time to pass something on to her, that precious thing I thought would never again see the light of day, my last memory of you, the thing I never shared with anyone before because to do so would be to finally realize, once and for all, that you are gone. Christina, she is her mother's daughter, but she is not you, and she never will be. I hope she realizes that when I give this to her, I'm not asking her to fill your shoes, I'm just asking her to gain a deeper understanding of who you were, and in gaining that, to truly find her own path.
-----
My father took many gorgeous pictures today, but there was a sadness in his eyes. When I asked him what was wrong, he admitted to me that this was where he had taken my mother on their honeymoon. I had never known that before, had never thought to ask. My father had shown me many pictures of my mother over the years, including the first picture he ever took of her, the picture I believed to be the most precious of all, but perhaps those photos of their first trip together as husband and wife were even more precious still.
I can't understand the bond marriage creates, I really can't. It seems such a strange thing, that one day you would be single and the next you would be wed. Why should it make such a difference? Yet I feel for my father, it must have made all the difference in the world. Why else would he show me photos from before and from after, but not from during that sacred transformation? I never thought to ask before because there was so much else he shared, but now I wonder why. I was never really religious, and neither was my father. Spiritual, maybe, believing in a high power, but not religious or superstitious or anything like that. But now, being here with him, seeing all this beauty and realizing all the things he never told me, I wonder if there is so much more I don't really understand.
My father gave me a gift this evening. I'm afraid to read it yet, but I know that one day I will. It's a book, an unfinished book, that my mother had started when she was pregnant with me. I was going to be her next great novel, before she died giving birth to me. My father says that even he hasn't read more than a few pages of it. She shared much of her work with him, but not all, and he could never bring himself to read this manuscript in its entirety, or in as much of its entirety as there is. Now, he says, he feels that is a blessing, because now he can give it as a gift to me, a piece of my mother that only she and I will share, a special bond, a piece of her that only I will know and carry on. If I choose to share it with others, he said, that would be my choice, but he's giving it only to me, and he wants me to have it, so that I can see another part of who she was.
I asked him if he was scared, giving me something she had written that he hadn't read. How did he know it would be safe for me? He just smiled and said that trust outlives death and that whatever my mother was writing, she was writing while I was growing inside of her and surely that joy and anticipation would spill over into what she wrote, though he warned me it was possible there might be a little fear as well, though. "You're an adult now, though," he said. "This is something you have a right and a privilege to. If you'd rather never read it, do the same thing I did, keep it a mystery, I'd understand, but I think you have a right to that choice and I don't want to feel compelled to make that choice for you."
So there the book sits, on the nightstand beside me bed in this 3.5 star hotel, waiting for me to get up my nerve to open it and read it. Will I like what it has to say? All my life, I've had this beautiful, perfect view of my mother, given to me from my father. Now he's given me something real: incomplete words from her own hands, unpublished, seen by no one living. Do I really have the strength to accept such a gift? Only time will tell. And I'm still young. I have all the time in the world, right? I suppose that's what my mother thought, too...
-----
Christina seemed a lot more somber when I talked to her on the phone today. She just got back from her trip to the Grand Canyon, so I expected her to be overflowing with excitement and stories about all the beautiful things she saw. But instead, the first thing she told me was about this book her father gave her, some of the last words her mother wrote before she died. "What do you think?" she asked me. "Should I read it?"
It gave me a certain amount of comfort and honor to hear her ask for my thoughts, but I knew immediately that this was not a decision I could make for her, or that I could even help her make. And I told her as much.
She sighed. "I know," she said. "My father basically said the same thing."
With another sigh and a brief pause, she seemed to lighten a bit, and then launched into all the stories I had been expecting to hear from the start, but I know the thoughts of her mother's writing still lingered with her. Would she read those precious words? Could she read the precious words? If I had lost a parent and the survivor had given me such a gift, would I be able to read those words? If I ever discovered my father had written something no one else had read, I'm not sure I could stop myself, whether he was living or dead. But Christina's situation is different. Everyone's situation is different. I don't know what she'll do, and that's okay. I'll love her no matter what she decides.
-----
"To my precious son or daughter: I don't know when you'll be born or even what we'll decide to name you when you arrive. We've got some options, but your parents are spontaneous and have decided to wait until the last minute to really decide. We're spontaneous and excited, but also a little scared. The doctors have told me I'm at high risk in this pregnancy and there's a chance that one or both of us won't make it to the other side alive. I pray with all of my heart that if only one of us survives, that it will be you. I've lived my life, young though it may be, and I've found my love, though I know he will be devastated if I have to leave him. I know he knows how I love him, and I know how he loves me. We tell each other every day. And I know that he will love you, no matter what may happen.
I'm also as certain as I can be that he will never read these words should I pass away. But maybe he'll pass them on to you. If I'm wrong and he does read them, I want him to know what he already knows: that I love him with all my heart and that I love you, my precious son or daughter, too, and that he should tell you so every day. But if I'm right and he doesn't read this, then these words are for you. I don't know you yet, but I know you are special, and I know you'll do great things, and I know that your father will always be there for you. And I'm there for you, too. Maybe you didn't realize it, but I was always there. My spirit lives on in the love your father will surely show to you.
If I am wrong about any of this, then I am sorry, but I know I'm not. I will always love you. He will always love you. And you will be bold and smart and beautiful and likely will chance the world in a way I never could. Whatever you choose to do, you'll be great, and I'll be so proud of you.
Love you always. From your mother, Alyse."
I cried when I read those words on a page glued in to the middle of the book my father had given me. I know she was right, that he never read them. He surely would have told me if he did. How could she have known him so well, known what would happen? How could she have been so brave to continue on with her pregnancy even knowing it might cost her her life? My father had never told me that part. But now I knew, and somehow, I didn't think it right to tell him I knew. The tears just kept coming. Summer vacation was almost over, and it was almost time to go back to school and see Brady again. I should be happy, excited, but now, I just felt sad. But yet, somehow, there was a sense of peace. I had never spoken to my mother, and I have no memories of her speaking to me, not a single word. But here was something she had written directly to me and to me alone. How could she have known? In my mind, these words, and how they had all come to pass, it was nothing short of a beautiful, wonderful miracle. Some might see it as terrifying and cruel, but I will always choose to see it as beautiful.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 24
Dude, I am so glad that Lizzy won the pageant this time around. Our dateversary celebration probably would have been a full and total disaster had she lost again without even having Christina going up against her, but fortunately, she totally destroyed it. Like, it wasn't even close. I managed to convince one of the judges to tell me how close it was in the end, and it really was a landslide. I knew it would be. Lizzy is like a total pro at this stuff. She knows how to strut her stuff. And she even was pretty classy about it this time. She didn't flaunt her victory and seemed genuinely congratulatory to the second and third place finishers. I mean, probably she was just really good at the acting, but still, she knows that honey catches more flies than vinegar or whatever the old saying was that my grandma used to say.
So yeah, I was really proud of her. It made me pleased to be her boyfriend, seeing her win and being such a good winner about it. Afterward, with me, she acted like it was no big deal, just another college pageant, but when I kept telling her how amazing she was, she actually blushed a little. Christina and Brady were in the audience, too, and the paranoid part of me was afraid someone would recognize Christina as the winner from last year and steal some of the spotlight away from Lizzy, but that didn't happen at all. I think Lizzy liked having them there. Christina was very congratulatory afterwards and shared my sentiment that it wasn't even close.
So that was a great night. And the next night for our dateversary, also amazing. Lizzy was so happy with the fancy French restaurant I took her to after the art gallery opening we attended. She kept going on and on about the artists she knew or didn't know and how the work was typical or atypical. I just listened and smiled, more than happy to have her keep talking. I know what passion is like, and I'm so happy to see her showing it for something beyond pageants. While we were at the opening, she even offered to sneak me a glass of campaign, since she's of the legal drinking age and I'm still six weeks shy of 21, but I figured best not to risk it out in public. I didn't want anything to ruin our special night.
The restaurant was stellar, too. We don't usually go for something quite so fancy, but this was artsy and glamorous and I knew Lizzy would love the extra attention the wait staff gave us. So that was great, and afterwards, well, the whole night was just a lot of fun. Lizzy is a lot of fun, and I think she's softening up quite a bit from the highly competitive, somewhat obsessive girl I parted ways with two years ago, and even the girl I got back together with last year. She's really great, and I need to focus on finishing school and graduating next year, but if things are still going well at that point, I'd seriously consider asking her to marry me.
-----
Somewhere, buried deep away in the basement, are the unfinished manuscript pages from that novel began during the months leading up to the birth of my daughter. When we learned about the potential complications with the pregnancy, it seemed like the words just started to flow onto the pages, anything to distract from the real and present risks to life involved with what was happening, but then the words stopped. And now, after all these years and all this pain and thinking that they would never be touched again, I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, with my daughter starting to get interested in writing, if now might be the time...
-----
Brady is the best boyfriend imaginable! Granted, maybe my imagination is stinted by lack of experience, but I think he's great. I heard from Lizzy all about the awesome anniversary celebration she and Zach had, all this fancy art stuff and a fancy restaurant and everything. I think that's awesome and romantic, but Brady really went above and beyond to find things that he knew I would love. Now, looking back, I don't know why it was his job to make me happy on that day. I mean, it was OUR anniversary. It should have been for both of us. And I even told him that the next day, that he made this amazing night for me and it should have been for us. But like the amazing guy he is, he just smiled and said, "It was for us."
Let me explain to you why I think Brady is so great. Our evening started out with Brady giving me his anniversary present for me: tickets to a book reading and signing by one of my favorite authors in the fall. This was great for two reasons: it's a book reading and signing by one of my favorite authors AND it's four months away, which shows commitment to our relationship. Not that I doubted Brady's commitment at this point, and if I'm being realistic, simply buying tickets for an event four months out isn't a guarantee of our relationship actually lasting, but I really believe it will last, and Brady's actions show that he does, too.
So that was the first part. The next part was a poetry reading. This is where the "it was for us" might actually be true because, although he doesn't like to admit it to Zach too much, Brady really does like poetry, even romantic poetry. I think I even saw a tear in his eye during one of the more moving pieces. I smiled and squeezed his hand. He looked at me and the admiration in his eyes, for me, for the poetry, for both, spoke more words to me than the poem had. It was beautiful.
Then it was dinner time. Brady didn't just take me to some restaurant for this. He took me to a candlelit dinner set up specially for us on the middle of the track field. Some might think that's cheesy, but I thought it was great. It was like something from a novel. There were roses and moonlight plus candlelight and my favorite foods and even a violinist that Brady met in one of his classes and got to come play for us. It was so great.
And the night wasn't done yet. To top it all off, we went to the science department's observatory where we got to gaze at the stars and Brady presented me with a certificate about how he had "officially" named a star after me. He was quick to tell me that it was fake and that getting a certificate that was actually official cost a couple hundred dollars, but to me, that just made it even better. People like Bridget, they just throw money around because they have it. I know Brady's family does decently well, but he doesn't flaunt that and he makes his own way and finds ways to be creative. Besides, I'm pretty sure the romantic dinner on the track field cost quite a bit, so you might as well save money elsewhere where you can!
So Lizzy might think she's got a great guy who'll do anything for her, and she's probably right, but no matter how many arguments she might make, I know that my guy's the best and that's something I will never deny.
-----
When I look at the stars at night, I think of you and all the things we used to do, and how maybe, one day, I could be a poet, too. Could it be that you're looking down at me and thinking these same things, too?
-----
I sometimes think about how my life would have been so different if Alyse had reacted differently in the park that fateful day. Might she simply have wrinkled up her nose in disgust at me? Might she have demanded I erase that photo I accidentally took of her and go away, never to be seen again? Might she have scoffed and mocked me? No, none of these things were possible, not with the Alyse I know and love. If she had been a different person, maybe, but then she wouldn't have been Alyse and it all would have been different anyway. But would that be better? Would we all be happier if it hadn't been Alyse sitting on that bench that day waiting unknowingly for me to take a photo of her? I don't know, and I don't like to think about that, but from all the pain, came something beautiful and good: our daughter. And her, I wouldn't trade for the world.
-----
Sometimes I wonder what really happened to my dad. I mean, my mom so agonized over telling me about how he ran away to the farm in South Dakota that for a good many years, I thought it had to be true. But as you grow older, you start to wonder about how many of the things your parents tell you are really true and how much they just kind-of made up because they thought it would be easier than telling the truth. Did my dad really run away to another state? Is he really living somewhere out in the country? Does he have some other family he loves now? Or is he really somewhere closer to home, somewhere I'd never see him but that my mom doesn't want to tell me about? Would I even recognize him if I did see him? It was so long ago, I'm not even sure I have a memory of his face. Somewhere there must be a photo of him, but I think my mom all threw them out not long after he left, so it might be hard to find. And why did he leave? My mom never told me that and I was never brave enough to ask. As much confidence as I show, I'm really pretty scared when it comes to learning the truth about my father. And why would I need to learn the truth anyway? He left mom and me all alone. Isn't that enough? There's no satisfactory explanation for that. Nothing that would make it okay. Did he even love us at all? And if he did, how could he just leave like that? When you really love someone, you're supposed to work it out, right? And if you don't love them, well, why were you with them to begin with? As I get older, it makes me nervous about the whole thought of getting married at all. Why commit yourself to someone who might just get bored of you and leave at any time? I want a man, I want a good man, a man like the man I have. But how can I know he'll always stay good? If he married me, would I be able to say yes? Or would I think of my mom and dad and get afraid and run away from a good thing? Dad, wherever you are, sometimes I really hate you.
-----
I'm sorry, my love. I'm sorry for all I've done, for all the wrongs. I don't express it well, I never have, but I've thought it before and I'll think it again: I love you and, in my own way, your mother, too. There is room in a man's heart for more than one love, even if he never says he loves you at all. Maybe one day I'll find you again. I know I can't make it right and I can never explain what I did. I can never speak the way I think; I don't do that. I just don't. Emotions don't work like that. They're private, and can't be shared in words. But sometimes, with a look or a touch, they come through. I failed before with you, and I think I've failed with my other children, too, but maybe it isn't fully too late. Maybe I can still do something good for you. If I ever find you, maybe I'll ask you if you think that's possible. But more likely, I won't be able to. Emotions aren't meant to be shared in words.
-----
I can't believe it's summer vacation time again already! My dad and I are planning a special vacation this year, just the two of us. I'll miss Brady of course, but I need some time with my dad. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to go see the Grand Canyon. I've never seen it before. My dad's seen it before and says it's beautiful, but he's excited to see it again and take some really great pictures. I'm glad my dad takes pictures of things. It's nice to have memories and mementos of things. Some things, no matter how badly you want to remember them, they seem to fade away if you don't have something physical to remember them by. Dad says he's really looking forward to spending time with his little girl. I'm just growing up so fast, apparently. I feel like he's treating me a little bit like a little kid, but I know it must be hard to see your daughter growing up. And I know, how I know, that I look even more like my mother now than before. I keep that old photo of her, back from before I was born, and I still look at it sometimes to remind myself that she was real and that she really, truly lives on in me. She was beautiful. And even though I never knew her, I miss her still. But that's a sad thought. This summer is going to be full of new, happy memories. Beautiful memories. I can't wait.
So yeah, I was really proud of her. It made me pleased to be her boyfriend, seeing her win and being such a good winner about it. Afterward, with me, she acted like it was no big deal, just another college pageant, but when I kept telling her how amazing she was, she actually blushed a little. Christina and Brady were in the audience, too, and the paranoid part of me was afraid someone would recognize Christina as the winner from last year and steal some of the spotlight away from Lizzy, but that didn't happen at all. I think Lizzy liked having them there. Christina was very congratulatory afterwards and shared my sentiment that it wasn't even close.
So that was a great night. And the next night for our dateversary, also amazing. Lizzy was so happy with the fancy French restaurant I took her to after the art gallery opening we attended. She kept going on and on about the artists she knew or didn't know and how the work was typical or atypical. I just listened and smiled, more than happy to have her keep talking. I know what passion is like, and I'm so happy to see her showing it for something beyond pageants. While we were at the opening, she even offered to sneak me a glass of campaign, since she's of the legal drinking age and I'm still six weeks shy of 21, but I figured best not to risk it out in public. I didn't want anything to ruin our special night.
The restaurant was stellar, too. We don't usually go for something quite so fancy, but this was artsy and glamorous and I knew Lizzy would love the extra attention the wait staff gave us. So that was great, and afterwards, well, the whole night was just a lot of fun. Lizzy is a lot of fun, and I think she's softening up quite a bit from the highly competitive, somewhat obsessive girl I parted ways with two years ago, and even the girl I got back together with last year. She's really great, and I need to focus on finishing school and graduating next year, but if things are still going well at that point, I'd seriously consider asking her to marry me.
-----
Somewhere, buried deep away in the basement, are the unfinished manuscript pages from that novel began during the months leading up to the birth of my daughter. When we learned about the potential complications with the pregnancy, it seemed like the words just started to flow onto the pages, anything to distract from the real and present risks to life involved with what was happening, but then the words stopped. And now, after all these years and all this pain and thinking that they would never be touched again, I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, with my daughter starting to get interested in writing, if now might be the time...
-----
Brady is the best boyfriend imaginable! Granted, maybe my imagination is stinted by lack of experience, but I think he's great. I heard from Lizzy all about the awesome anniversary celebration she and Zach had, all this fancy art stuff and a fancy restaurant and everything. I think that's awesome and romantic, but Brady really went above and beyond to find things that he knew I would love. Now, looking back, I don't know why it was his job to make me happy on that day. I mean, it was OUR anniversary. It should have been for both of us. And I even told him that the next day, that he made this amazing night for me and it should have been for us. But like the amazing guy he is, he just smiled and said, "It was for us."
Let me explain to you why I think Brady is so great. Our evening started out with Brady giving me his anniversary present for me: tickets to a book reading and signing by one of my favorite authors in the fall. This was great for two reasons: it's a book reading and signing by one of my favorite authors AND it's four months away, which shows commitment to our relationship. Not that I doubted Brady's commitment at this point, and if I'm being realistic, simply buying tickets for an event four months out isn't a guarantee of our relationship actually lasting, but I really believe it will last, and Brady's actions show that he does, too.
So that was the first part. The next part was a poetry reading. This is where the "it was for us" might actually be true because, although he doesn't like to admit it to Zach too much, Brady really does like poetry, even romantic poetry. I think I even saw a tear in his eye during one of the more moving pieces. I smiled and squeezed his hand. He looked at me and the admiration in his eyes, for me, for the poetry, for both, spoke more words to me than the poem had. It was beautiful.
Then it was dinner time. Brady didn't just take me to some restaurant for this. He took me to a candlelit dinner set up specially for us on the middle of the track field. Some might think that's cheesy, but I thought it was great. It was like something from a novel. There were roses and moonlight plus candlelight and my favorite foods and even a violinist that Brady met in one of his classes and got to come play for us. It was so great.
And the night wasn't done yet. To top it all off, we went to the science department's observatory where we got to gaze at the stars and Brady presented me with a certificate about how he had "officially" named a star after me. He was quick to tell me that it was fake and that getting a certificate that was actually official cost a couple hundred dollars, but to me, that just made it even better. People like Bridget, they just throw money around because they have it. I know Brady's family does decently well, but he doesn't flaunt that and he makes his own way and finds ways to be creative. Besides, I'm pretty sure the romantic dinner on the track field cost quite a bit, so you might as well save money elsewhere where you can!
So Lizzy might think she's got a great guy who'll do anything for her, and she's probably right, but no matter how many arguments she might make, I know that my guy's the best and that's something I will never deny.
-----
When I look at the stars at night, I think of you and all the things we used to do, and how maybe, one day, I could be a poet, too. Could it be that you're looking down at me and thinking these same things, too?
-----
I sometimes think about how my life would have been so different if Alyse had reacted differently in the park that fateful day. Might she simply have wrinkled up her nose in disgust at me? Might she have demanded I erase that photo I accidentally took of her and go away, never to be seen again? Might she have scoffed and mocked me? No, none of these things were possible, not with the Alyse I know and love. If she had been a different person, maybe, but then she wouldn't have been Alyse and it all would have been different anyway. But would that be better? Would we all be happier if it hadn't been Alyse sitting on that bench that day waiting unknowingly for me to take a photo of her? I don't know, and I don't like to think about that, but from all the pain, came something beautiful and good: our daughter. And her, I wouldn't trade for the world.
-----
Sometimes I wonder what really happened to my dad. I mean, my mom so agonized over telling me about how he ran away to the farm in South Dakota that for a good many years, I thought it had to be true. But as you grow older, you start to wonder about how many of the things your parents tell you are really true and how much they just kind-of made up because they thought it would be easier than telling the truth. Did my dad really run away to another state? Is he really living somewhere out in the country? Does he have some other family he loves now? Or is he really somewhere closer to home, somewhere I'd never see him but that my mom doesn't want to tell me about? Would I even recognize him if I did see him? It was so long ago, I'm not even sure I have a memory of his face. Somewhere there must be a photo of him, but I think my mom all threw them out not long after he left, so it might be hard to find. And why did he leave? My mom never told me that and I was never brave enough to ask. As much confidence as I show, I'm really pretty scared when it comes to learning the truth about my father. And why would I need to learn the truth anyway? He left mom and me all alone. Isn't that enough? There's no satisfactory explanation for that. Nothing that would make it okay. Did he even love us at all? And if he did, how could he just leave like that? When you really love someone, you're supposed to work it out, right? And if you don't love them, well, why were you with them to begin with? As I get older, it makes me nervous about the whole thought of getting married at all. Why commit yourself to someone who might just get bored of you and leave at any time? I want a man, I want a good man, a man like the man I have. But how can I know he'll always stay good? If he married me, would I be able to say yes? Or would I think of my mom and dad and get afraid and run away from a good thing? Dad, wherever you are, sometimes I really hate you.
-----
I'm sorry, my love. I'm sorry for all I've done, for all the wrongs. I don't express it well, I never have, but I've thought it before and I'll think it again: I love you and, in my own way, your mother, too. There is room in a man's heart for more than one love, even if he never says he loves you at all. Maybe one day I'll find you again. I know I can't make it right and I can never explain what I did. I can never speak the way I think; I don't do that. I just don't. Emotions don't work like that. They're private, and can't be shared in words. But sometimes, with a look or a touch, they come through. I failed before with you, and I think I've failed with my other children, too, but maybe it isn't fully too late. Maybe I can still do something good for you. If I ever find you, maybe I'll ask you if you think that's possible. But more likely, I won't be able to. Emotions aren't meant to be shared in words.
-----
I can't believe it's summer vacation time again already! My dad and I are planning a special vacation this year, just the two of us. I'll miss Brady of course, but I need some time with my dad. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to go see the Grand Canyon. I've never seen it before. My dad's seen it before and says it's beautiful, but he's excited to see it again and take some really great pictures. I'm glad my dad takes pictures of things. It's nice to have memories and mementos of things. Some things, no matter how badly you want to remember them, they seem to fade away if you don't have something physical to remember them by. Dad says he's really looking forward to spending time with his little girl. I'm just growing up so fast, apparently. I feel like he's treating me a little bit like a little kid, but I know it must be hard to see your daughter growing up. And I know, how I know, that I look even more like my mother now than before. I keep that old photo of her, back from before I was born, and I still look at it sometimes to remind myself that she was real and that she really, truly lives on in me. She was beautiful. And even though I never knew her, I miss her still. But that's a sad thought. This summer is going to be full of new, happy memories. Beautiful memories. I can't wait.
Friday, November 22, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 22
Life is joy! My one year anniversary with Brady is coming up in just a few weeks and I'm so excited. I suggested to Lizzy that we could go out on a double date the week before, since that's when I met Brady and when she and Zach got back together, but she's too busy prepping for the second annual college beauty pageant. She tried to get me to compete again, but I politely declined. She seemed pretty upset and for a second I thought she might smack me or throw a tantrum, but then she just laughed and said that it was probably for the best anyway. I certainly agree. Not that I'd ever expect to win that thing again, but if I did by some happenstance happen to beat her again, well, I don't think our friendship could recover from that. Best to just leave it alone and hope she doesn't think I'm bowing out because I think I'd beat her. Let her think that it's because I don't want to lose, which is what I'm hoping she thinks, or that it's because I'd rather focus on Brady, which is closest to the truth.
But anyway, back to the joy! Brady won't tell me exactly what he has planned, but he says it's going to be great. Our first "date" was sweet but simple - we went out to get ice cream at this cute little shop near campus. I told Brady I'd be happy to just do that again, but he says he wants something more special than that for our anniversary and that we should have had something more special for that for our first date. I assure him it's fine, that I just want to be with him, but I think he thinks it's some sort of feminine trap or something, because he still insists on doing something fancy and grand. Not that I mind too much. I mean, I would be content with just going for a walk and getting ice cream, but I'm not going to object to a more romantically extravagant adventure either.
Oh, and speaking of adventures, I nearly skipped over the entire track season in my excitement to tell you about our anniversary! Needless to say, this year went colossally better than last year. No injuries for me and more trophies and ribbons than I ever expected to receive! Considering that I expected to receive at most three and I got six, it might not sound that impressive, but I'm still off to a great start in my collegiate career. Granted, half of those I did get at this one super easy meet where I even placed in an event I don't usually run, but that still leaves the three I expected to get, so at the very least, I did as well as I wanted to. Brady told me I did fantastic. He was at every meet within an hours drive (there were four of them) and even went with me to one of the further away meets, even though I didn't get a single prize there. He still told me I did great and that my determination and my speed were inspiring. I laughed that off a little, but it really did mean a lot to me that he would say something like that. Brady isn't the most outgoing guy, but he manages to often say really nice things at the right time. I like that a lot. He doesn't have to be super talkative; he just needs to know what to say at the right time, and he does that pretty darn well. Better than I do, I think.
And I just can't wait to see what he has planned for our anniversary! I know he and Zach have been conspiring and trading ideas, and I've managed to get from Zach a little of what he has planned for Lizzy the day after the beauty pageant (there re-versary as he calls it), and based on how much thought he's put into that, I'm sure Brady's plan will be wonderful. And even if I've gotten my hopes up too high, I'll still be enjoying a night with my favorite guy. What more could a girl want?
-----
I want it all: fame, fortune, and a good man. I'm well on my way. I think that after I win this next pageant, I might actually try for the big show. I recently got a promotion at work, which I managed to pull off in the middle of my classes and pageant preparations, so I'm pretty sure I can do anything. I'm locally famous for my pageant performances, was even before my most recent wins. That's how I met Zach after all. And with him by my side, I've got a good man. Now I just need to work on the fortune. I've started to learn that Bridget's family is a little filthy rich. I've considered how maybe I could use that to get me started, maybe get a foot in the door somehow, but I'm not sure how that would work. I think it might be better to just focus on the pageants and let fame develop into fortune. I know just winning pageants won't do it, but I'm thinking I could go into modeling. I'm not sure why I never considered that before. People have mentioned it to me before, but I always kind-of blew it off. I wanted to focus on live performance, but modeling could bring in a lot of money, and there's a modeling school where I could perfect my techniques just a few hours away. I ran the idea by Zach a little nervously and he seemed to think it was a great idea, or at least that I'd be great at it. He seemed genuinely excited for me. He responded quickly so it didn't seem like he hesitated or anything. That made me feel pretty good. Zach's a pretty smart, fun guy. Even though I didn't originally get back together with him to be with him, I'm enjoying spending time with him more and more.
But anyway, back to the joy! Brady won't tell me exactly what he has planned, but he says it's going to be great. Our first "date" was sweet but simple - we went out to get ice cream at this cute little shop near campus. I told Brady I'd be happy to just do that again, but he says he wants something more special than that for our anniversary and that we should have had something more special for that for our first date. I assure him it's fine, that I just want to be with him, but I think he thinks it's some sort of feminine trap or something, because he still insists on doing something fancy and grand. Not that I mind too much. I mean, I would be content with just going for a walk and getting ice cream, but I'm not going to object to a more romantically extravagant adventure either.
Oh, and speaking of adventures, I nearly skipped over the entire track season in my excitement to tell you about our anniversary! Needless to say, this year went colossally better than last year. No injuries for me and more trophies and ribbons than I ever expected to receive! Considering that I expected to receive at most three and I got six, it might not sound that impressive, but I'm still off to a great start in my collegiate career. Granted, half of those I did get at this one super easy meet where I even placed in an event I don't usually run, but that still leaves the three I expected to get, so at the very least, I did as well as I wanted to. Brady told me I did fantastic. He was at every meet within an hours drive (there were four of them) and even went with me to one of the further away meets, even though I didn't get a single prize there. He still told me I did great and that my determination and my speed were inspiring. I laughed that off a little, but it really did mean a lot to me that he would say something like that. Brady isn't the most outgoing guy, but he manages to often say really nice things at the right time. I like that a lot. He doesn't have to be super talkative; he just needs to know what to say at the right time, and he does that pretty darn well. Better than I do, I think.
And I just can't wait to see what he has planned for our anniversary! I know he and Zach have been conspiring and trading ideas, and I've managed to get from Zach a little of what he has planned for Lizzy the day after the beauty pageant (there re-versary as he calls it), and based on how much thought he's put into that, I'm sure Brady's plan will be wonderful. And even if I've gotten my hopes up too high, I'll still be enjoying a night with my favorite guy. What more could a girl want?
-----
I want it all: fame, fortune, and a good man. I'm well on my way. I think that after I win this next pageant, I might actually try for the big show. I recently got a promotion at work, which I managed to pull off in the middle of my classes and pageant preparations, so I'm pretty sure I can do anything. I'm locally famous for my pageant performances, was even before my most recent wins. That's how I met Zach after all. And with him by my side, I've got a good man. Now I just need to work on the fortune. I've started to learn that Bridget's family is a little filthy rich. I've considered how maybe I could use that to get me started, maybe get a foot in the door somehow, but I'm not sure how that would work. I think it might be better to just focus on the pageants and let fame develop into fortune. I know just winning pageants won't do it, but I'm thinking I could go into modeling. I'm not sure why I never considered that before. People have mentioned it to me before, but I always kind-of blew it off. I wanted to focus on live performance, but modeling could bring in a lot of money, and there's a modeling school where I could perfect my techniques just a few hours away. I ran the idea by Zach a little nervously and he seemed to think it was a great idea, or at least that I'd be great at it. He seemed genuinely excited for me. He responded quickly so it didn't seem like he hesitated or anything. That made me feel pretty good. Zach's a pretty smart, fun guy. Even though I didn't originally get back together with him to be with him, I'm enjoying spending time with him more and more.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 21
Being a doctor is really rough sometimes. I might save a hundred lives, but there's always the one or two or ten that you couldn't save, or worse yet, the ones you think maybe you could have, but you didn't. The hardest are the ones that die young. Working as an ER doctor, I get some cases that are just people being paranoid or extra cautious. You might think those are annoying, but when I have time to deal with those things and there's no one about to die coming to see me, those are the great days. I love having to stitch up a little boy's knee and joking with him about how tough the scar is going to make him (even though there won't be much of a scar to speak of). What I don't love is... well... there's this one in particular that really got to me. I've had situations similar to it before, but for some reason, this one just hit me a little harder than usual. It's just one more time I couldn't save someone, and yet, to those who loved this person, it was a precious life that they're not ready to give up yet. Are any of us really ready? Even a doctor like me who sees nearly every day that death is inevitable, can I ever be ready? For some doctors, seeing all that death makes them so ready they choose to take their own lives, but not me, I'm going to keep living and I'm going to keep fighting for others to live, too. Really, it's all I can ever hope to do.
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It's the season of love for everyone but me it seems. Lizzy is still dating my ex and Chris is still thrilled to be with Brady. I'm happy for both of them, well, Chris quite a bit more so that Lizzy, but you can't help but be a little bitter about someone else ending up with your man, even if it is someone as cool as Lizzy with someone I don't really want to be with anyway.
But who do I want to be with? I thought I wanted a guy that likes to party, a guy like me. I had thought that was what Zach would be. That was the main reach I finally agreed to date him. That and I like to reward persistence. But who's persistently pursuing me now? Seems like no one. Maybe that's just because I decided not to rejoin the sorority this semester. I was already barely involved last semester. It was like the opposite of the previous year. That first year, I didn't have a room at the house and still spent like all of my time there. This year, I actually got a room and spent like none of my time there. I'm pretty sure they were about ready to kick me out before I left voluntarily, though the kicking may have simply been symbolic since I spent like none of my time there.
But yeah, I guess I just realized that my real friends are my friends like Chris, who are good and decent and don't just want to go out and get drunk. You know, people that are like the opposite of me. I'm just so glad that I didn't wear off on Chris. Her dad was always so worried about that. I don't know why. Sometimes Chris is easily influenced, but only by good influences, not by the likes of me. I suppose I did play some tiny role in getting her and Brady together, though mostly that happened by accident.
Well anyway, I don't want to get down in the dumps. Maybe what I need to do is go out and have some fun. Not a crazy drunken amount of fun, just like, go out to a movie or something. Maybe Chris would like to go with me. We could go out to a nice chick flick or something, a movie Brady isn't so likely to have gone to see with her. Brady is a sensitive guy; he probably would be happy to go see a rom-com with Chris, but why should he have to take that hit. No, I'll bite the bullet and go out to a chick flick with my girl. I wonder what's playing?
-----
Jamie is back from her study abroad this semester! Yeah, she was in Italy for four months. It's crazy all this stuff that she manages to do. I think it's really great. The best part about having her back, though, was getting to introduce her to Brady. Now all three of us get to have secret sign language conversations, though obvious Jamie is way better at it than the two of us are. I think in a little while, there might be four or possibly even five of us that know some basic sign language. Zach was the first to get interested, and I think Bridget might finally be coming around, too. I think she feels like she doesn't get to spend enough time with me, considering that she's even willing to spend time with me learning sign language. I tell her I always have time for her. Maybe we can set up some sort of movie night or something so Brady doesn't have to suffer through another chick flick with me. I'll have to mention that to her at some point. But anyway, I am glad that she's showing a little bit of interest in learning sign language.
The only hold out is Lizzy. She doesn't see the point. She thinks she can always just write things down if she needs to, and if she encounters someone who's both deaf and illiterate, well that's just silly and she probably would have little interest in communicating with them anyway. Sometimes Lizzy is a real pain like that, but I think if the rest of us get better at sign language and start using it in front of her and she's the only one that doesn't understand, it'll drive her crazy and she'll finally give in. She'd probably secretly learn on her own and not tell us, thinking we're saying something bad about her, and then try to catch us in the act, which wouldn't happen since we wouldn't be saying something bad about her. But that's the kind of thing Lizzy would do. She's a little paranoid sometimes. I guess if calling her "paranoid" is considered "bad", we might say that about her, and if she considers that bad, I guess the "paranoia" will be justified and then won't be so bad after all.
Ouch. Now I'm making my head hurt. All I wanted to say is that I'm excited to have another of my friends back in my life. It's so nice to meet new people and develop these relationships. Some relationships, I kind-of hope are going to last a long, long time.
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Despite my initial and lingering fear, Alyse and I had a lot of fun those first five months after she found out she was pregnant. I took a photo of her in the same spot in our house every day. It was fun to see how she grew over time. When we looked at the pictures, six months into the pregnancy, she pouted her lips and complained about how fat she was getting, but then just smiled and laughed and I laughed, too.
It was a couple weeks after that, just into the start of the third trimester when Alyse's doctor noticed something off. The baby didn't seem to be growing quite as fast as it should and Alyse seemed to have some mineral deficiencies when they did some blood work. It wasn't too alarming, they told us, but something to keep an eye on. I could tell Alyse was worried for the baby, but she told me she was sure it would be fine. She even tried to distract herself by working on her new book.
I was worried, too, for the baby and Alyse. This was our first child, and I really didn't want to lose him or her, but I knew that Alyse would be even more devastated. I can't imagine what it would be like to carry a new life inside your body for nine months, but to have that life taken from you before you even got to hold it in your arms? The thought of that was awful to me, I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be for Alyse, and that made me feel at least a fraction of the pain I knew she must be feeling.
But Alyse was strong and chose to remain optimistic. I hugged her and kissed her and we kept smiling and laughing and I definitely kept taking those photos, all the way up until the day our baby was born. And that day... oh that day... I can't talk about it, not yet. I just can't.
-----
It's the season of love for everyone but me it seems. Lizzy is still dating my ex and Chris is still thrilled to be with Brady. I'm happy for both of them, well, Chris quite a bit more so that Lizzy, but you can't help but be a little bitter about someone else ending up with your man, even if it is someone as cool as Lizzy with someone I don't really want to be with anyway.
But who do I want to be with? I thought I wanted a guy that likes to party, a guy like me. I had thought that was what Zach would be. That was the main reach I finally agreed to date him. That and I like to reward persistence. But who's persistently pursuing me now? Seems like no one. Maybe that's just because I decided not to rejoin the sorority this semester. I was already barely involved last semester. It was like the opposite of the previous year. That first year, I didn't have a room at the house and still spent like all of my time there. This year, I actually got a room and spent like none of my time there. I'm pretty sure they were about ready to kick me out before I left voluntarily, though the kicking may have simply been symbolic since I spent like none of my time there.
But yeah, I guess I just realized that my real friends are my friends like Chris, who are good and decent and don't just want to go out and get drunk. You know, people that are like the opposite of me. I'm just so glad that I didn't wear off on Chris. Her dad was always so worried about that. I don't know why. Sometimes Chris is easily influenced, but only by good influences, not by the likes of me. I suppose I did play some tiny role in getting her and Brady together, though mostly that happened by accident.
Well anyway, I don't want to get down in the dumps. Maybe what I need to do is go out and have some fun. Not a crazy drunken amount of fun, just like, go out to a movie or something. Maybe Chris would like to go with me. We could go out to a nice chick flick or something, a movie Brady isn't so likely to have gone to see with her. Brady is a sensitive guy; he probably would be happy to go see a rom-com with Chris, but why should he have to take that hit. No, I'll bite the bullet and go out to a chick flick with my girl. I wonder what's playing?
-----
Jamie is back from her study abroad this semester! Yeah, she was in Italy for four months. It's crazy all this stuff that she manages to do. I think it's really great. The best part about having her back, though, was getting to introduce her to Brady. Now all three of us get to have secret sign language conversations, though obvious Jamie is way better at it than the two of us are. I think in a little while, there might be four or possibly even five of us that know some basic sign language. Zach was the first to get interested, and I think Bridget might finally be coming around, too. I think she feels like she doesn't get to spend enough time with me, considering that she's even willing to spend time with me learning sign language. I tell her I always have time for her. Maybe we can set up some sort of movie night or something so Brady doesn't have to suffer through another chick flick with me. I'll have to mention that to her at some point. But anyway, I am glad that she's showing a little bit of interest in learning sign language.
The only hold out is Lizzy. She doesn't see the point. She thinks she can always just write things down if she needs to, and if she encounters someone who's both deaf and illiterate, well that's just silly and she probably would have little interest in communicating with them anyway. Sometimes Lizzy is a real pain like that, but I think if the rest of us get better at sign language and start using it in front of her and she's the only one that doesn't understand, it'll drive her crazy and she'll finally give in. She'd probably secretly learn on her own and not tell us, thinking we're saying something bad about her, and then try to catch us in the act, which wouldn't happen since we wouldn't be saying something bad about her. But that's the kind of thing Lizzy would do. She's a little paranoid sometimes. I guess if calling her "paranoid" is considered "bad", we might say that about her, and if she considers that bad, I guess the "paranoia" will be justified and then won't be so bad after all.
Ouch. Now I'm making my head hurt. All I wanted to say is that I'm excited to have another of my friends back in my life. It's so nice to meet new people and develop these relationships. Some relationships, I kind-of hope are going to last a long, long time.
-----
Despite my initial and lingering fear, Alyse and I had a lot of fun those first five months after she found out she was pregnant. I took a photo of her in the same spot in our house every day. It was fun to see how she grew over time. When we looked at the pictures, six months into the pregnancy, she pouted her lips and complained about how fat she was getting, but then just smiled and laughed and I laughed, too.
It was a couple weeks after that, just into the start of the third trimester when Alyse's doctor noticed something off. The baby didn't seem to be growing quite as fast as it should and Alyse seemed to have some mineral deficiencies when they did some blood work. It wasn't too alarming, they told us, but something to keep an eye on. I could tell Alyse was worried for the baby, but she told me she was sure it would be fine. She even tried to distract herself by working on her new book.
I was worried, too, for the baby and Alyse. This was our first child, and I really didn't want to lose him or her, but I knew that Alyse would be even more devastated. I can't imagine what it would be like to carry a new life inside your body for nine months, but to have that life taken from you before you even got to hold it in your arms? The thought of that was awful to me, I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be for Alyse, and that made me feel at least a fraction of the pain I knew she must be feeling.
But Alyse was strong and chose to remain optimistic. I hugged her and kissed her and we kept smiling and laughing and I definitely kept taking those photos, all the way up until the day our baby was born. And that day... oh that day... I can't talk about it, not yet. I just can't.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 20
Some friends fade until even their memories are forgotten. And some friends seem to stick with you forever. I don't know what it's like to grow old, like, really old, so I don't know how advanced aging might affect my memories, but I know, some kids I used to hang out with growing up, I don't even remember their names or their faces. And with other people, mostly people I met later in life, I can't imagine ever letting go.
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Time passes too quickly. Time passes too slowly. Alyse and I couldn't wait for our new baby to be born. Now, in the aftermath, I often long for those days again, when we were simple and innocent and so, so alive. I miss Alyse so much, though I don't often talk about it anymore. But even now, after all these years, even after I've supposedly moved on, to think about how I lost her and can never get her back, it still causes me pain for which there simply are no words.
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I'm so excited for our new baby! David is the most amazing husband, and I know he's going to be the best dad. We were so worried, but we had nothing to worry about. David is so dedicated to me! I know the hormones are driving me crazy, and I can be a real handful, but he never complains. He cooks, he cleans, he gets me the crazy things I'm craving, like sardines and lemon jell-o. There couldn't be a more perfect man. He just makes me so, so happy, and I'm so emotional already. I'm starting to tear up. I hate getting all weepy.
I need to think about baby names instead. I'd suggested David Jr if its a boy, but David doesn't want the baby to be named after him. He thinks its too prideful. So we were thinking of maybe James or Charles. For a girl, I thought maybe Diana or Elizabeth would be pretty. I guess I'm on a bit of a British royalty kick or something. I've been researching Britain for this new book I want to write. I've been managing to find some time to work on it, and I know I'll have even less after the baby is born, but I do want to keep doing some work even then. I love what I do, but I don't want to go overboard. I know I'm going to love my new baby even more.
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Sometimes, in the silence at night, when all I can hear is the crickets and an occassional coyote howling in the distance, sometimes I wonder if my husband is truly and always happy with me. I know he was married before, and that he left his wife not long after his daughter was born. His daughter, she doesn't even know him. He says he can't go back, not now, not ever. Something awful happened between him and his wife, and he can never go back. He doesn't tell me what, and he doesn't say it's awful, I just infer that from how he says he can never go back.
I didn't actually know about his wife until after we were already engaged. He didn't want to tell me, but he knew he had to. He's a good man, even if he did leave his first wife. He said he was sorry he left her, but that she never understood him, not really, and that I'm the one he wants to be with. It's the sweetest, most sentimental and emotional moment I've ever had with him. He isn't usually emotional like that. I wouldn't want him to be. But maybe his first wife did. Maybe that's what happened between them. I don't know.
Sometimes, I wish I knew more about his past, but he isn't a very open man. He keeps to himself, keeps quiet. Other times, I'm amazed he's shared with me as much as he has. He tells me what he needs to and nothing more. I respect that, even if I am pretty much the exact opposite.
We work well together, he and I. And life in the country is wonderful. I know he loves it, too, even if he never explicitly says that. He belongs here. We are the ones who belong together.
Do I feel sorry for his first wife? Yes, I mean, how can I not. Sometimes I feel guilty for stealing him away from her. But I know it wasn't really like that. I don't think he ever would have gone back to her, even if he hadn't met me. He and she, they just weren't meant to be. I do believe in destiny, and sometimes, it can take you time and a mistake or two to find what yours really is.
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Did I make a mistake in going back to Lizzy again? I ask myself that from time to time, and Brady seems to ask me it with a look sometimes, too, though he never puts it into words. I never don't think it was a mistake. I think Lizzy and I are good for each other. She doesn't distract me from school like Bridget does, yet she's still random and fun, like I like to be. She is a little obsessive about things still, well, about beauty and that stuff, but I just keep telling her how pretty she is, and that keeps things happy between us. I mean, calling her out for being the cutest young lady around was how we met, after all. It only makes sense that I'd continue telling her things like that.
And I mean, no relationship is perfect. Everyone's going to have problems. I sometimes worry about Lizzy, and her state of mind, what she's really thinking about. She's pretty honest with me, but she doesn't always tell me everything. And as passionate as she is about certain things, she still keeps other things, personal things about her past and stuff, to herself. I'm willing to listen, to let her open up, but she often doesn't want to share.
But she's good to me. And she's been so much better to Brady and Christina. I'm starting to think she might actually like Christina. Lizzy says nice things about Chris even when Chris isn't around. That like, totally means a lot coming from a girl like Lizzy.
So yeah, Lizzy still makes me happy, and I think she's getting more chill and happy and more fun when it comes to pageants, which just makes her even more often like the fun, awesome person she is when she isn't stressing out over pageants.
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Pageants are still my life, don't get me wrong, but maybe there is more to life than pageants. I mean, I always knew that at some level, but getting back with Zach this second time, I think I've come to actually believe it. I mean, I like to have fun and learn new things and gain new skills, but before, I was always trying to relate it back to, like, how could I use it to win a pageant. Now, finally, for what might be the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to truly do things just for fun, not just for or because of a pageant. Like, art is actually pretty cool of its own accord, not just to help me analyze what people think is beautiful and what isn't, or to have something intelligent to talk to with judges. I do like art just for it's own sake.
Don't go getting your hopes up now, all you pageant hopefuls. I'm still going to keep competing, and I'm still in it to win, and if you try to undermine me or cheat your way to victory or something ridiculous like that, I will still bring you down like a strong wind against a tower of playing cards, but I'm making room in my life for other things, too, other things for me, not just to seem normal to others. It's for me. And for Zach. Zach has brought this out in me more than anyone before. I think it's remotely possible that I might even come to love him for that. Maybe.
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I cannot believe it's Christmas time already! This will be my first Christmas with a real boyfriend. We're trying to work out our plans to spend time with both of our families. My family doesn't have a huge holiday celebration, but my dad usually invites his parents and his brother over and we eat duck and dumplings and hang stockings and all that stuff. We do pop popcorn over an open fire. That's pretty cool. I told Brady about it, and he seemed to agree it sounded like a lot of fun. He said his family Christmas is just his immediate family, but since he has three younger sisters, it's actually a larger gathering than at my dad's house.
So yeah, it's going to be a great holiday season, though I am a little nervous about what to get Brady for Christmas. Fortunately, I have two friends who have dated his roommate, so they have a few ideas, plus I've run those ideas past Zach himself, who seemed a little surprised to be able to confirm my girls were actually giving me accurate information.
But at any rate, it's going to be a great Christmas. I get to see my dad, bring Brady home to meet him (though that's actually already happened twice), eat some great food, have time to read a couple novels, and I get to go back to Brady's family's farm again. I really like the farm, though I do hope Brady doesn't want to move back out to the country should our relationship... develop. But that's getting ahead of things. I'm just going to enjoy the moment, what we have, enjoy Christmas, and then focus on training for track season. I can't wait to have Brady in the stands to cheer me on for that. I just hope I don't let him down.
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Time passes too quickly. Time passes too slowly. Alyse and I couldn't wait for our new baby to be born. Now, in the aftermath, I often long for those days again, when we were simple and innocent and so, so alive. I miss Alyse so much, though I don't often talk about it anymore. But even now, after all these years, even after I've supposedly moved on, to think about how I lost her and can never get her back, it still causes me pain for which there simply are no words.
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I'm so excited for our new baby! David is the most amazing husband, and I know he's going to be the best dad. We were so worried, but we had nothing to worry about. David is so dedicated to me! I know the hormones are driving me crazy, and I can be a real handful, but he never complains. He cooks, he cleans, he gets me the crazy things I'm craving, like sardines and lemon jell-o. There couldn't be a more perfect man. He just makes me so, so happy, and I'm so emotional already. I'm starting to tear up. I hate getting all weepy.
I need to think about baby names instead. I'd suggested David Jr if its a boy, but David doesn't want the baby to be named after him. He thinks its too prideful. So we were thinking of maybe James or Charles. For a girl, I thought maybe Diana or Elizabeth would be pretty. I guess I'm on a bit of a British royalty kick or something. I've been researching Britain for this new book I want to write. I've been managing to find some time to work on it, and I know I'll have even less after the baby is born, but I do want to keep doing some work even then. I love what I do, but I don't want to go overboard. I know I'm going to love my new baby even more.
-----
Sometimes, in the silence at night, when all I can hear is the crickets and an occassional coyote howling in the distance, sometimes I wonder if my husband is truly and always happy with me. I know he was married before, and that he left his wife not long after his daughter was born. His daughter, she doesn't even know him. He says he can't go back, not now, not ever. Something awful happened between him and his wife, and he can never go back. He doesn't tell me what, and he doesn't say it's awful, I just infer that from how he says he can never go back.
I didn't actually know about his wife until after we were already engaged. He didn't want to tell me, but he knew he had to. He's a good man, even if he did leave his first wife. He said he was sorry he left her, but that she never understood him, not really, and that I'm the one he wants to be with. It's the sweetest, most sentimental and emotional moment I've ever had with him. He isn't usually emotional like that. I wouldn't want him to be. But maybe his first wife did. Maybe that's what happened between them. I don't know.
Sometimes, I wish I knew more about his past, but he isn't a very open man. He keeps to himself, keeps quiet. Other times, I'm amazed he's shared with me as much as he has. He tells me what he needs to and nothing more. I respect that, even if I am pretty much the exact opposite.
We work well together, he and I. And life in the country is wonderful. I know he loves it, too, even if he never explicitly says that. He belongs here. We are the ones who belong together.
Do I feel sorry for his first wife? Yes, I mean, how can I not. Sometimes I feel guilty for stealing him away from her. But I know it wasn't really like that. I don't think he ever would have gone back to her, even if he hadn't met me. He and she, they just weren't meant to be. I do believe in destiny, and sometimes, it can take you time and a mistake or two to find what yours really is.
-----
Did I make a mistake in going back to Lizzy again? I ask myself that from time to time, and Brady seems to ask me it with a look sometimes, too, though he never puts it into words. I never don't think it was a mistake. I think Lizzy and I are good for each other. She doesn't distract me from school like Bridget does, yet she's still random and fun, like I like to be. She is a little obsessive about things still, well, about beauty and that stuff, but I just keep telling her how pretty she is, and that keeps things happy between us. I mean, calling her out for being the cutest young lady around was how we met, after all. It only makes sense that I'd continue telling her things like that.
And I mean, no relationship is perfect. Everyone's going to have problems. I sometimes worry about Lizzy, and her state of mind, what she's really thinking about. She's pretty honest with me, but she doesn't always tell me everything. And as passionate as she is about certain things, she still keeps other things, personal things about her past and stuff, to herself. I'm willing to listen, to let her open up, but she often doesn't want to share.
But she's good to me. And she's been so much better to Brady and Christina. I'm starting to think she might actually like Christina. Lizzy says nice things about Chris even when Chris isn't around. That like, totally means a lot coming from a girl like Lizzy.
So yeah, Lizzy still makes me happy, and I think she's getting more chill and happy and more fun when it comes to pageants, which just makes her even more often like the fun, awesome person she is when she isn't stressing out over pageants.
-----
Pageants are still my life, don't get me wrong, but maybe there is more to life than pageants. I mean, I always knew that at some level, but getting back with Zach this second time, I think I've come to actually believe it. I mean, I like to have fun and learn new things and gain new skills, but before, I was always trying to relate it back to, like, how could I use it to win a pageant. Now, finally, for what might be the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to truly do things just for fun, not just for or because of a pageant. Like, art is actually pretty cool of its own accord, not just to help me analyze what people think is beautiful and what isn't, or to have something intelligent to talk to with judges. I do like art just for it's own sake.
Don't go getting your hopes up now, all you pageant hopefuls. I'm still going to keep competing, and I'm still in it to win, and if you try to undermine me or cheat your way to victory or something ridiculous like that, I will still bring you down like a strong wind against a tower of playing cards, but I'm making room in my life for other things, too, other things for me, not just to seem normal to others. It's for me. And for Zach. Zach has brought this out in me more than anyone before. I think it's remotely possible that I might even come to love him for that. Maybe.
-----
I cannot believe it's Christmas time already! This will be my first Christmas with a real boyfriend. We're trying to work out our plans to spend time with both of our families. My family doesn't have a huge holiday celebration, but my dad usually invites his parents and his brother over and we eat duck and dumplings and hang stockings and all that stuff. We do pop popcorn over an open fire. That's pretty cool. I told Brady about it, and he seemed to agree it sounded like a lot of fun. He said his family Christmas is just his immediate family, but since he has three younger sisters, it's actually a larger gathering than at my dad's house.
So yeah, it's going to be a great holiday season, though I am a little nervous about what to get Brady for Christmas. Fortunately, I have two friends who have dated his roommate, so they have a few ideas, plus I've run those ideas past Zach himself, who seemed a little surprised to be able to confirm my girls were actually giving me accurate information.
But at any rate, it's going to be a great Christmas. I get to see my dad, bring Brady home to meet him (though that's actually already happened twice), eat some great food, have time to read a couple novels, and I get to go back to Brady's family's farm again. I really like the farm, though I do hope Brady doesn't want to move back out to the country should our relationship... develop. But that's getting ahead of things. I'm just going to enjoy the moment, what we have, enjoy Christmas, and then focus on training for track season. I can't wait to have Brady in the stands to cheer me on for that. I just hope I don't let him down.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 19
So everyone thinks I'm all best friends with pretty girl Christina now. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. I honestly haven't decided yet. I used to be furious at the little tramp for beating me out at that beauty pageant, but now I just don't know. It seems kind-of petty at times. I mean, it was just a dumb college activity. One that I should have won, but probably I didn't win because I was too good for it. And even Christina could tell I should have won, or at least she says she thinks that. I'm inclined to believe her. I mean, it was pretty obvious that I had more experience than her. No one can deny that.
But anyway, I'm willing to let things go for the time being. I'm not sure how this new "friendship" is going to progress in the future, but it is kind-of nice to have another girl around to hang out with. Zach is great and all, but sometimes he's just too much of a dude.
Now, not that Christina is all that much of a girly-girl. For a girl so pretty, she sure doesn't know much about fashion or make-up. Part of me wants to strangle her when she asks if I really think the shade of blush I've picked out is best for her, but another part of me just wants to take her under my wing and say, "Oh sweetie, trust me, I know what I'm doing", which is what I end up doing. She's so young, so innocent. I just can't bring myself to be cruel to her, as long as she doesn't make a habit of beating me in beauty pageants. Fortunately, she doesn't seem all that interested in competing further, so that's good. Not that I'm afraid or anything. Now that I know her secrets, I'm sure I can beat her. In fact, she even gave me a new tactic to try. Apparently the sweet little girl who isn't so confident can go a long way in certain pageants. I wonder if that would help me win some of the few that I didn't manage to take home the crown in.
Another nice thing about Christina is getting to hang out with Bridget. Bridget is one tough cookie. I'm not going to lie, I was a little intimidated by her at the beauty pageant, the way she just stood there between Christina and me and stared me down. Now, Bridget was no threat in terms of actually winning the pageant, but that girl is scary. I would not want to cross her. Which, I'll admit, is another aspect to why I've decided to continue playing nice with Christina. Bridget's sure got balls, and I can respect that. Plus, she's a real pro at giving people the look. You know, the look that says, "whatever, I just don't care so shut up please." And the eye roll? She's got that down, too. If Christina can teach me how to play the sweet, little innocent naive girl card, then Bridget can help me tone my skills at being silently terrifying. Intimidate the other contestants, and win the judges over with sweetness. It's a perfect combination, and by combining the best aspects of both Chris and Bridget into my performance, I know I can perfect it.
I mean, all of life is really just a performance anyway. It's not just the pageants that matter. And how do I really feel about the people around me? Sometimes even I don't know.
-----
Okay, dude, so it's actually starting to scare me a little how buddy buddy Lizzy is getting with Christina and Bridget. I mean, that's the girl that beat her at the beauty pageant AND the girl I used to date. Yeah, yeah, I broke down and told Lizzy that Bridget and I dated for a while. I certainly didn't want that to blow up in my face. She just laughed and said, "Yeah, I don't care. Bridget's great. You really messed that up. And I've got you now anyway, so I guess I win."
That did make me feel a little better, that Lizzy views herself as winning over Bridget. It's always good when Lizzy feels like she's winning. That just leaves Christina. I sure hope it continues to be enough that Christina convinced Lizzy that she believes Lizzy should have won that contest. Christina's such a sweet girl. Maybe she was even being genuine when she said all that stuff. I don't really know, and I don't care. I just want Lizzy to keep believing it. If I can keep Lizzy happy, I'll be happy. Just give it a few more weeks, make sure everything's cool with this new female trio, and I'm pretty sure things with Lizzy and me will really take off. She's a great girl, and I really am happy to be with her again. She's just kind-of scary around other women sometimes. That's all.
-----
Okay, girl, I think this Lizzy chick might seriously be more of a crazy bitch than I am. And that's saying a lot! I don't really know what she thinks of me and Chris, but she seems to be hanging out with us all cool for the moment, so I'll just go with it. I mean, this chick has some serious fashion sense that I could never imagine Chris having in like a million years. I mean, Chris has got lots of other great qualities, but Lizzy, she knows what's what. And she's clever about things! I mean Chris is really smart, like really smart, but Lizzy is clever and witty. I really like this chick, even though she kind-of terrifies me at the same time. I think she and I can be great friends, as long as we keep Chris around to ground us and keep us sane. I mean, I would never give up Chris. Never. If I had to choose between Chris and Lizzy, I would still choose Chris in a heartbeat. Loyalty. Sisters gotta stick together. That's what my sorority experience last year taught me, and Chris is more my sister than any of those sisters, or Lizzy even, could ever hope to be. Just don't tell Lizzy I said any of this. If I can keep both Chris and Liz as friends, that would be even better.
-----
So I'm starting to understand a little bit why Zach and Brady were so worried about me and Lizzy being in the same room together. I mean, I saw the obvious source of fear at the beginning of that very first double date we went on, but now that that's settled down and Lizzy and I seem to be, well, I'd call us "frenemies", to steal the term, I can see that it's really difficult to ever tell what Lizzy's really thinking. Even going back to when she first met Zach... she told me that story, and claims Zach was the one she wanted the whole time, and yet she gave her phone number to Brady. A part of me is afraid she secretly has a thing for Brady, and that she still has that thing for Brady, and that I'm more than just a rival when it comes to beauty pageants in her mind. Of course, I can never ask her about it, and I certainly don't want to bring it up with Brady because that will just give him more to worry about when it comes to Lizzy and I being friends, but I still wonder sometimes... But she never seems to look at him that way, I mean, never, and believe me, I've watched for it since she told me the story about her and Zach meeting, so I'm probably just making up wild stories there. I did mention it to Bridget after I made her promise not to tell Lizzy, and she just poo-pooed me and rolled her eyes, so that made me feel better, too.
I think Lizzy is an okay person, she's just so hard to predict. I'm not sure I entirely enjoy being her friend all of the time, but if I can say this without sounding too full of myself, I think I might be good for her. Brady seems to think so, too.
-----
I'm usually not this much of an optimist, but I am making a conscious decision to believe that Christina just might be turning Lizzy around. At the very least, Lizzy is sure acting a lot nicer towards both me and Christina, and I think that's all I could ever ask for as far as Lizzy is involved. I have to admit, it is pretty nice going on double dates with Zach without having to worry about his girlfriend murdering mine. Like I said, I'm usually not this much of an optimist, so I'm not entirely convinced this tenuous peace will last, but I'm just going to enjoy it while I can. And even if it doesn't last, I won't let that get me down. As long as I've got Christina, and Christina is safe, Lizzy can do whatever she wants. She makes Zach happy, and that's great for him, but I don't feel a pressing need to hang out with her all the time, it's just nice to go on double dates sometimes, at long as she keeps behaving, you know.
And honestly, when Lizzy does behave, she's pretty decent to be around. She's able to talk about lots of stuff other than beauty pageants. I mean, I actually never noticed the obsession with beauty pageants before anyway, but that's also because she never chose to talk to me all that much before. But yeah, she likes to talk about art quite a lot it turns out. And Christina has a moderate interest in photography, in addition to being totally into literature, so that's something nice for them to talk about, and I genuinely enjoy hearing what they have to say. I've actually learned some interesting stuff about art from Lizzy, and I even fact checked it and turns out she's telling the truth about stuff.
And she does make Zach happy. I see the way he looks at her. For a while there, he seemed a little nervous with her and Christina being friends, but I think he's calmed down, and he seems able to enjoy our double dates, too, in addition to enjoying just being with Lizzy. Yeah, I know I keep saying I'm usually not this much of an optimist, but I really do think this might all work out, at least for a little while.
But anyway, I'm willing to let things go for the time being. I'm not sure how this new "friendship" is going to progress in the future, but it is kind-of nice to have another girl around to hang out with. Zach is great and all, but sometimes he's just too much of a dude.
Now, not that Christina is all that much of a girly-girl. For a girl so pretty, she sure doesn't know much about fashion or make-up. Part of me wants to strangle her when she asks if I really think the shade of blush I've picked out is best for her, but another part of me just wants to take her under my wing and say, "Oh sweetie, trust me, I know what I'm doing", which is what I end up doing. She's so young, so innocent. I just can't bring myself to be cruel to her, as long as she doesn't make a habit of beating me in beauty pageants. Fortunately, she doesn't seem all that interested in competing further, so that's good. Not that I'm afraid or anything. Now that I know her secrets, I'm sure I can beat her. In fact, she even gave me a new tactic to try. Apparently the sweet little girl who isn't so confident can go a long way in certain pageants. I wonder if that would help me win some of the few that I didn't manage to take home the crown in.
Another nice thing about Christina is getting to hang out with Bridget. Bridget is one tough cookie. I'm not going to lie, I was a little intimidated by her at the beauty pageant, the way she just stood there between Christina and me and stared me down. Now, Bridget was no threat in terms of actually winning the pageant, but that girl is scary. I would not want to cross her. Which, I'll admit, is another aspect to why I've decided to continue playing nice with Christina. Bridget's sure got balls, and I can respect that. Plus, she's a real pro at giving people the look. You know, the look that says, "whatever, I just don't care so shut up please." And the eye roll? She's got that down, too. If Christina can teach me how to play the sweet, little innocent naive girl card, then Bridget can help me tone my skills at being silently terrifying. Intimidate the other contestants, and win the judges over with sweetness. It's a perfect combination, and by combining the best aspects of both Chris and Bridget into my performance, I know I can perfect it.
I mean, all of life is really just a performance anyway. It's not just the pageants that matter. And how do I really feel about the people around me? Sometimes even I don't know.
-----
Okay, dude, so it's actually starting to scare me a little how buddy buddy Lizzy is getting with Christina and Bridget. I mean, that's the girl that beat her at the beauty pageant AND the girl I used to date. Yeah, yeah, I broke down and told Lizzy that Bridget and I dated for a while. I certainly didn't want that to blow up in my face. She just laughed and said, "Yeah, I don't care. Bridget's great. You really messed that up. And I've got you now anyway, so I guess I win."
That did make me feel a little better, that Lizzy views herself as winning over Bridget. It's always good when Lizzy feels like she's winning. That just leaves Christina. I sure hope it continues to be enough that Christina convinced Lizzy that she believes Lizzy should have won that contest. Christina's such a sweet girl. Maybe she was even being genuine when she said all that stuff. I don't really know, and I don't care. I just want Lizzy to keep believing it. If I can keep Lizzy happy, I'll be happy. Just give it a few more weeks, make sure everything's cool with this new female trio, and I'm pretty sure things with Lizzy and me will really take off. She's a great girl, and I really am happy to be with her again. She's just kind-of scary around other women sometimes. That's all.
-----
Okay, girl, I think this Lizzy chick might seriously be more of a crazy bitch than I am. And that's saying a lot! I don't really know what she thinks of me and Chris, but she seems to be hanging out with us all cool for the moment, so I'll just go with it. I mean, this chick has some serious fashion sense that I could never imagine Chris having in like a million years. I mean, Chris has got lots of other great qualities, but Lizzy, she knows what's what. And she's clever about things! I mean Chris is really smart, like really smart, but Lizzy is clever and witty. I really like this chick, even though she kind-of terrifies me at the same time. I think she and I can be great friends, as long as we keep Chris around to ground us and keep us sane. I mean, I would never give up Chris. Never. If I had to choose between Chris and Lizzy, I would still choose Chris in a heartbeat. Loyalty. Sisters gotta stick together. That's what my sorority experience last year taught me, and Chris is more my sister than any of those sisters, or Lizzy even, could ever hope to be. Just don't tell Lizzy I said any of this. If I can keep both Chris and Liz as friends, that would be even better.
-----
So I'm starting to understand a little bit why Zach and Brady were so worried about me and Lizzy being in the same room together. I mean, I saw the obvious source of fear at the beginning of that very first double date we went on, but now that that's settled down and Lizzy and I seem to be, well, I'd call us "frenemies", to steal the term, I can see that it's really difficult to ever tell what Lizzy's really thinking. Even going back to when she first met Zach... she told me that story, and claims Zach was the one she wanted the whole time, and yet she gave her phone number to Brady. A part of me is afraid she secretly has a thing for Brady, and that she still has that thing for Brady, and that I'm more than just a rival when it comes to beauty pageants in her mind. Of course, I can never ask her about it, and I certainly don't want to bring it up with Brady because that will just give him more to worry about when it comes to Lizzy and I being friends, but I still wonder sometimes... But she never seems to look at him that way, I mean, never, and believe me, I've watched for it since she told me the story about her and Zach meeting, so I'm probably just making up wild stories there. I did mention it to Bridget after I made her promise not to tell Lizzy, and she just poo-pooed me and rolled her eyes, so that made me feel better, too.
I think Lizzy is an okay person, she's just so hard to predict. I'm not sure I entirely enjoy being her friend all of the time, but if I can say this without sounding too full of myself, I think I might be good for her. Brady seems to think so, too.
-----
I'm usually not this much of an optimist, but I am making a conscious decision to believe that Christina just might be turning Lizzy around. At the very least, Lizzy is sure acting a lot nicer towards both me and Christina, and I think that's all I could ever ask for as far as Lizzy is involved. I have to admit, it is pretty nice going on double dates with Zach without having to worry about his girlfriend murdering mine. Like I said, I'm usually not this much of an optimist, so I'm not entirely convinced this tenuous peace will last, but I'm just going to enjoy it while I can. And even if it doesn't last, I won't let that get me down. As long as I've got Christina, and Christina is safe, Lizzy can do whatever she wants. She makes Zach happy, and that's great for him, but I don't feel a pressing need to hang out with her all the time, it's just nice to go on double dates sometimes, at long as she keeps behaving, you know.
And honestly, when Lizzy does behave, she's pretty decent to be around. She's able to talk about lots of stuff other than beauty pageants. I mean, I actually never noticed the obsession with beauty pageants before anyway, but that's also because she never chose to talk to me all that much before. But yeah, she likes to talk about art quite a lot it turns out. And Christina has a moderate interest in photography, in addition to being totally into literature, so that's something nice for them to talk about, and I genuinely enjoy hearing what they have to say. I've actually learned some interesting stuff about art from Lizzy, and I even fact checked it and turns out she's telling the truth about stuff.
And she does make Zach happy. I see the way he looks at her. For a while there, he seemed a little nervous with her and Christina being friends, but I think he's calmed down, and he seems able to enjoy our double dates, too, in addition to enjoying just being with Lizzy. Yeah, I know I keep saying I'm usually not this much of an optimist, but I really do think this might all work out, at least for a little while.
Monday, November 18, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 18
Our double date was not off to a very good start. Christina was totally sweet and kind, like I knew she would be, but Lizzy was a real piece of work, if you'll excuse me saying so. I kept shooting Zach glances, hoping he would say something to her, just ask her to calm down a little, but the most he would do was look back at me and shrug. I guess I couldn't blame him. Neither of us had expected this to go particularly well, and Christina had been warned.
The worst part was that Lizzy wasn't acting like an outright, obvious bitch. It was smaller things she did. Like she'd sneer at Christina, or if Christina commented on something she'd say, "Okay" and then immediately change the subject to something else. I wasn't sure how Christina managed to stay so calm. Afterwards she told me she was used to Bridget getting snooty with her like that at times, which made me wonder if Zach had a type, but I decided to let that go. In fact, I decided to let it all go because of what happened near the middle of the meal.
Lizzy was continuing to be her quietly aggressive snippy little self, when there was a brief lull in the conversation and Christina chose to say directly to Lizzy, "You know, Lizzy, there's something that's been on my mind."
My mind went immediately to, "Oh geeze, she's going to speak her mind," and I reached for Christina's hand under the table to give it a squeeze for courage, but before I could find it, I instead hear Christina say:
"I really think you should have won that beauty pageant last year. You clearly knew what you were doing a lot more than I did. The way you walked across the stage was stunning, and my musical skills are laughable compared to yours. You answered the questions the judges asked like a pro, too. I really don't know how anyone could have given you second place."
My jaw nearly hit the floor. I glanced over at Zach, whose eyes were wide in amazement. Christina sounded genuine, like she was really trying to smooth things over, but would Lizzy take it that way? My eyes darted back to Lizzy and a wave of relief swept over me when I saw the smile on her face. I think she was too shocked to do anything else. I'm pretty sure no one, other than maybe Zach, had ever talked to her quite like that before.
"I...I appreciate that very much," Lizzy stammered. "It... it's so nice to be recognized, to..." I think I even saw a tear in her eye. "That's all I really wanted."
Christina smiled. "I know," she said. "And it sucks that they made me steal that from you and I'm sorry."
Lizzy just smiled even more. "Don't be sorry," she said. "I should be sorry. I knew you were my biggest competition from the moment I saw you. If anyone deserved to beat me, it was you. Now if it had been anyone else..."
"It couldn't have been," Christina said, and the two girls laughed.
Now at this point, I was pretty certain Christina had just chosen to do whatever it was going to take to win Lizzy over, because I don't think she would ever feed someone's ego like that unless she felt she really had to. I felt a little bad that she had felt she had to, but I realized, too, that it was brilliant, and though a part of me hated that she sold out like that, another part of me really loved her for being willing to do so.
Afterwards, Zach asked me, "Dude, did you put her up to that?"
I just laughed and beamed as I said, "No, man, she chose to do that all on her own."
Zach glanced around nervously and then whispered to me, "Want to trade?"
I shook my head and laughed again. "Not in a million years," I said.
"Darn," Zach said playfully as he snapped his fingers. Then he patted me on the back and said, "Thanks."
The worst part was that Lizzy wasn't acting like an outright, obvious bitch. It was smaller things she did. Like she'd sneer at Christina, or if Christina commented on something she'd say, "Okay" and then immediately change the subject to something else. I wasn't sure how Christina managed to stay so calm. Afterwards she told me she was used to Bridget getting snooty with her like that at times, which made me wonder if Zach had a type, but I decided to let that go. In fact, I decided to let it all go because of what happened near the middle of the meal.
Lizzy was continuing to be her quietly aggressive snippy little self, when there was a brief lull in the conversation and Christina chose to say directly to Lizzy, "You know, Lizzy, there's something that's been on my mind."
My mind went immediately to, "Oh geeze, she's going to speak her mind," and I reached for Christina's hand under the table to give it a squeeze for courage, but before I could find it, I instead hear Christina say:
"I really think you should have won that beauty pageant last year. You clearly knew what you were doing a lot more than I did. The way you walked across the stage was stunning, and my musical skills are laughable compared to yours. You answered the questions the judges asked like a pro, too. I really don't know how anyone could have given you second place."
My jaw nearly hit the floor. I glanced over at Zach, whose eyes were wide in amazement. Christina sounded genuine, like she was really trying to smooth things over, but would Lizzy take it that way? My eyes darted back to Lizzy and a wave of relief swept over me when I saw the smile on her face. I think she was too shocked to do anything else. I'm pretty sure no one, other than maybe Zach, had ever talked to her quite like that before.
"I...I appreciate that very much," Lizzy stammered. "It... it's so nice to be recognized, to..." I think I even saw a tear in her eye. "That's all I really wanted."
Christina smiled. "I know," she said. "And it sucks that they made me steal that from you and I'm sorry."
Lizzy just smiled even more. "Don't be sorry," she said. "I should be sorry. I knew you were my biggest competition from the moment I saw you. If anyone deserved to beat me, it was you. Now if it had been anyone else..."
"It couldn't have been," Christina said, and the two girls laughed.
Now at this point, I was pretty certain Christina had just chosen to do whatever it was going to take to win Lizzy over, because I don't think she would ever feed someone's ego like that unless she felt she really had to. I felt a little bad that she had felt she had to, but I realized, too, that it was brilliant, and though a part of me hated that she sold out like that, another part of me really loved her for being willing to do so.
Afterwards, Zach asked me, "Dude, did you put her up to that?"
I just laughed and beamed as I said, "No, man, she chose to do that all on her own."
Zach glanced around nervously and then whispered to me, "Want to trade?"
I shook my head and laughed again. "Not in a million years," I said.
"Darn," Zach said playfully as he snapped his fingers. Then he patted me on the back and said, "Thanks."
Sunday, November 17, 2013
NaNoWriMo -- Day 17
Getting to know a girl is exciting. Friendships are one thing, but a new romantic relationship takes things to a whole new level. I want to understand her, what makes her sad, what makes her happy, and do my best to ensure her life is full of the things that make her happy. I have to admit, though, a selfish part of me is a little thankful she doesn't just have a completely perfect and fully satisfied life. If she did, why would she need me? I know that sounds awful, but I want to have a purpose in her life, and I want to help her. If she doesn't need any help at all, how can I do that.
I don't want to sound like a monster, I'm just being honest. But even with all of this in the back of my mind, it was still devastating when, after suggesting that she could come meet my family over the summer, I asked her about hers. That was when I learned she was an only child of a single parent who was a single parent due to death, a death that happened on the day Christina was born. I can't even imagine my life without my mother or my younger sisters. If I had grown up with just my father raising me, I probably would have been a completely different person, harsher and more bitter and less open about my emotions. I'm realizing that my mothers emotional displays, as over the top as they often are, are what let me know it was okay to show and feel emotion. It's unhealthy to take things to the extreme of either of my parents, but a balance, somewhere between the two, is desirable. With that in mind, I wasn't ashamed to have cried a little when Christina told me her story. In fact, I'm kind-of proud that I was able to shed some tears for her. I think that connection, that empathy, is really important in a relationship.
Christina says that it doesn't really hurt anymore, that she's used to living life without a mother, and she's pretty much an adult herself now anyway, but I can't imagine that it never hurts at all. I'm sure it would still hurt me, even after all those years. I trust Christina; if she's comfortable enough telling me the story, I'm sure she's being honest about how its still affecting her or not affecting her, but if she ever does realize and admit that it's still painful, I won't be too surprised.
Well that's enough sadness and despair. To kick things over to a lighter note, I learned that Christina and I share a random interest in sign language! I took a sign language class last semester and she's been in the sign language club for a full year. Neither of us knows more than the alphabet and a few key phrases, but still, it's fun to share that common secret language. I think we drive Zach and Bridget a little nuts though, because when one of us goes over to the others dorm room, we like to use our sign language skills to have those secret conversations. We never say anything bad about Zach or Bridget, not really, just things like "Bridget party" if Bridget says something about her sorority and "random Zach" when Zach says or does or wants to do something random. I think by now at least Zach has figured it out and minds a little less. Bridget just rolls her eyes at us and doesn't say anything, though at first she used to respond by flipping me off, but then she'd smile and laugh, so I guess it was okay. Oh, by the way, Bridget and Christina are roommates. Turns out Bridget doesn't even actually live at the sorority house, though Zach certainly thought she did while they were dating. I guess he just never went up to her room, since she didn't actually have one there officially. Who know.
I also learned that Christina never had any pets while she was growing up. She suspects her father didn't want her to have to deal with something dying, but she claims she could have handled it. I think she wishes she had had a pet of some kind. She really likes Steve (my beta fish) and I told her she should get one for her dorm room, too. "Maybe after the summer," she said.
"Fish can be a little tricky to keep alive," I warned her, "but I'll help you out."
She seemed more than happy with that. She seems pretty excited to meet the animals on our farm, too. I've told her that we do eat some of the chickens, but she laughed and said she wouldn't expect us not to. "I'm not a vegetarian or anything," she said, "and it's not like death is a forbidden topic. I can handle it."
I blush a little and apologize, to which she tells me there's no need and starts asking about the barn cats I had mentioned: how many, what colors, do they have names. I enjoy telling her about them, and with my mom's love of animals, I think this will give her and Christina something to bond over, which is certainly a nice thought. I hear horror stories sometimes about girlfriends and moms not getting along. I know Zach's mom met Lizzy one time, and seemed plenty content with what she observed, though it wasn't for very long. I'm pretty sure Lizzy still refuses to let Zach ever meet her mother, even though her mother lives like four miles from campus. But oh well, that's something for the two of them to sort out.
But Christina, Christina is great. She wants me to meet her dad, she wants to meet my family, she takes an interest in my interests. She likes literature, which is great because I love to read, too. The sign language thing is fun. She is more musical than I am, but when I point that out she laughs and says, "Barely." She's fun and nice and smart and funny. Sometimes she seems to put herself down a little, and I think she's still pretty bummed about missing track season, but when we were talking about that in front of Bridget one time, Bridget just rolled her eyes and said, "Give it a rest! If you hadn't messed up your foot, you never would have met Brady."
Christina laughed and looked at Bridget and said, "Yeah, because my best friend who was dating his best friend never thought that make the two of us would hit it off."
"Yeah, whatever," Bridget said, "you just keep giving me crap for that." And she put in her headphones and at least pretended to be focused on whatever magazine she was reading.
Christina just looked over at me and smiled, and reached for my hand. "I am thankful we got together," she said. "I think this makes it worth having missed the track season." When she said that, I couldn't have been happier.
-----
Alyse wanted a family and she wanted it soon. She was so excited by the thought of bringing another life into the world, a life that was the merging of our two souls, as she described it. I was terrified at the thought, but I couldn't help but smile when I saw the joy in her eyes.
How soon we wanted to have children was the one point of contention in our otherwise happy marriage. I was in no major rush. Though I definitely did want to have a baby with this beautiful woman who was my wife, I just didn't quite feel ready yet. "No one ever feels ready," Alyse told me. "At least that's what all the books say."
"Do you feel ready?" I asked her.
"Yes," she said without hesitation.
"Counter point," I responded.
Alyse just laughed. She wanted a baby so bad, but she understood my hesitation, and she never pushed me, she just eventually won me over with her exuberance and love. Some might call it manipulation, but I know it was love. Alyse didn't have a manipulative bone in her body.
She was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. I felt that typical mix of terror and joy. Joyous thoughts of "I'm going to be a father with this woman!" mixed with the terror of, "Oh God, I'm going to have to be a father." My own father had never been horrible, but he had never been particularly great either. So who did I have to learn from? Alyse just told me that with my gentle spirit and my love, I had nothing to worry about, and I chose to make myself believe her.
And so we waited, with anxious anticipation. As the baby inside her grew day by day, we were just longing to hold our beautiful bundle of joy in our arms and become a complete family together.
-----
I really like Brady's girlfriend. I asked my husband what he thought of her and he just shrugged and grunted, but I think he liked her, too. She's certainly not a farm girl, but I think she appreciates our country life. She certainly liked the kittens and was mostly okay with the chickens, too. She complimented my cooking and said fresh eggs were delicious for breakfast. She even offered to go collect some eggs! I think she's a good match for Brady, and I know he'll be good to her, too.
-----
I've heard it said that no boy is ever good enough for a father's little girl, but if my girl has to start dating someone, this Brady guy seems pretty good. I just hope he's not playing her. I know some guys are like that. They act all tough and macho or they seem like they're real gentleman and they make a girl think she's attracted to them and then they cast her aside or they say or do horrible things to her. I know about those kind of guys all too well. Sometimes it seems like nice guys have no chance against guys like that, but then, every once in a while, a guy like me just happens to get lucky...
I really hope Brady's a guy like me. Not to sound boastful, but I consider myself one of the good guys. I think Christina's mother was happy when she was married to me, even though it did cost her her life. I hope this guy doesn't cost Christina her life. I'm talking in the figurative sense. Though I certainly hope he won't cost her her life in the literal sense, I figure that's pretty unlikely to happen. But anyway, my girl is strong. Even if he does turn out to be a jerk, she'll come through this, and I see no evidence so far of him being a jerk, so I'll choose to trust him as long as Christina does.
-----
For those last five or six weeks of the semester, after Lizzy and I got back together, I did everything I could to keep Christina and Lizzy apart. I wasn't worried about Lizzy coming into contact with Bridget. I was worried about Lizzy coming into contact with Christina. Even though she never mentioned the pageant again after that first night, I was sure she resented Christina for winning. If those two got together in the same room... well I didn't want to be there and I certainly didn't want to be responsible. And if Lizzy ever found out that Christina didn't even care that much about her victory, well I'm sure that would have made it any worse.
So for those final weeks of the semester, I frequently suggested Brady go over to Christina's instead of coming over here, made an effort to meet Lizzy in public more often, and made sure to tell Brady where I was going when I took Lizzy out in public so that he and Christina wouldn't accidentally find themselves in the same spot. At first, Brady tried to just laugh off my concerns as me being as crazy as Lizzy herself, but the more I kept with it, the more worried he seemed to get. I didn't mean to worry him, but if I worried him a little, it was worth it to keep Christina safe from Lizzy's wrath. I admit, I it probably seemed like I was being melodramatic and over cautious, attributes more often attributed to Brady than to me, but living with a dude like that for two years, you can't help but have him rub off on you a little, and better safe than sorry. If it was my own safety, I wouldn't be so worried, but I wanted to keep Brady and his girl free from torment.
Over the summer, I had a lot less control since Brady and I were hundreds of miles apart. Knowing that Lizzy and Christina were left alone in the same city made it in some ways a lot more difficult and nerve-wracking, but I got around it as best as I could by talking to Lizzy frequently and even inviting her out to stay with me and my family for a couple weeks, an offer she seemed happy to accept. And she still never once mentioned Christina or the beauty pageant. Not only that, but she hardly mentioned beauty pageants at all that whole summer, and only competed in one, which she handily won. I started to think maybe I had been worried for nothing. Maybe Lizzy wasn't as obsessive as I had thought she was.
And then we returned to school the next semester. Much to my surprise, Lizzy decided to enroll in school, though she chose a local community college rather than my school. She said she needed to get some sort of management certification to advance at work. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with me as before, but we would still make it work. She said all of that, but still she seemed to manage to find her way over to my dorm room five days during those first two weeks. Brady was there every time, and she was strangely polite to him, which made me a little nervous, and then on that fifth visit, she came out and asked him, "Hey Brady, are you still dating that girl? That one who won the beauty pageant? Was Christine her name?"
My heart jumped into my throat as I looked nervously at Brady. He returned my look of uncertainty, and then looked over at Lizzy to say. "Yeah. Her name's Christina. Why?"
Lizzy seemed to hesitate a little. I couldn't quite tell if she was acting or genuine but she said, "It's a shame I never see her around. She seemed like a sweet girl. We should go out on a double date sometime. I'd love to pick her brain about what she thought of the pageant and how she won."
"Oh boy," I thought and tried to flash a warning to Brady, but he was smart enough to handle himself and said, "I'll have to check with her to see when she's free. I know we'll all pretty busy..."
Lizzy shrugged, either missing or choosing to ignore that Brady was trying to get out of this. "Well if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out," she said. And then she looked at me and said in a rather serious tone with a bit of a glare in her eyes, "But I'd really like to get to know her better."
-----
When I told Christina about Lizzy's request to go on a double date, she smiled and said, "Yeah, that would be fun. I'm sure we can make that work."
I leaned in and said in a more hushed tone, "No, I don't think you understand, Christina. Lizzy is... well... she's a little unbalanced. Zach is dating her and even he thinks she's still jealous of you."
Christina laughed. "Jealous of me? She doesn't even know me."
"Jealous of your win at that beauty pageant."
Christina folded her hands and leaned in to match me. "The pageant last year?" she asked. Her eyebrows raised in surprise. "You're kidding, right?"
I shook my head. "I wish I was."
She leaned back and sighed as she put her hands behind her head. Then she surprised me by saying, "What's the worst she can do?"
My eyes grew wide and then I thought about that. What was the worst she could do? What was the worst I really expected Lizzy to do?
"It's not like she's going to strangle me in the middle of a public restaurant," Christina said. "And I can take a few harsh words. I'll know she doesn't really mean them."
"But that's the thing," I protested, "she probably will mean them."
Christina shrugged. "Well that's her problem then," she said.
I couldn't help but smile. I often had wished Christina would be more tough, more confident, and now she was, and just at the time when I was being a wimp. "You're right, it is," I agreed. Then I said, "You're full of surprises."
Christina smiled. "I'm just happy because I went to the doctor yesterday and my ankle is completely healed. I'm allowed to start training for track season again."
And so it was settled. Lizzy would get her double date after all. I knew Zach would be scared about it, but if Christina knew what she was up against and still wasn't afraid, why should we be. Christina was right. It was Lizzy's problem. And if Lizzy chose to be a bully, maybe someone sweet and kind like Christina was just what we needed to counter her.
I don't want to sound like a monster, I'm just being honest. But even with all of this in the back of my mind, it was still devastating when, after suggesting that she could come meet my family over the summer, I asked her about hers. That was when I learned she was an only child of a single parent who was a single parent due to death, a death that happened on the day Christina was born. I can't even imagine my life without my mother or my younger sisters. If I had grown up with just my father raising me, I probably would have been a completely different person, harsher and more bitter and less open about my emotions. I'm realizing that my mothers emotional displays, as over the top as they often are, are what let me know it was okay to show and feel emotion. It's unhealthy to take things to the extreme of either of my parents, but a balance, somewhere between the two, is desirable. With that in mind, I wasn't ashamed to have cried a little when Christina told me her story. In fact, I'm kind-of proud that I was able to shed some tears for her. I think that connection, that empathy, is really important in a relationship.
Christina says that it doesn't really hurt anymore, that she's used to living life without a mother, and she's pretty much an adult herself now anyway, but I can't imagine that it never hurts at all. I'm sure it would still hurt me, even after all those years. I trust Christina; if she's comfortable enough telling me the story, I'm sure she's being honest about how its still affecting her or not affecting her, but if she ever does realize and admit that it's still painful, I won't be too surprised.
Well that's enough sadness and despair. To kick things over to a lighter note, I learned that Christina and I share a random interest in sign language! I took a sign language class last semester and she's been in the sign language club for a full year. Neither of us knows more than the alphabet and a few key phrases, but still, it's fun to share that common secret language. I think we drive Zach and Bridget a little nuts though, because when one of us goes over to the others dorm room, we like to use our sign language skills to have those secret conversations. We never say anything bad about Zach or Bridget, not really, just things like "Bridget party" if Bridget says something about her sorority and "random Zach" when Zach says or does or wants to do something random. I think by now at least Zach has figured it out and minds a little less. Bridget just rolls her eyes at us and doesn't say anything, though at first she used to respond by flipping me off, but then she'd smile and laugh, so I guess it was okay. Oh, by the way, Bridget and Christina are roommates. Turns out Bridget doesn't even actually live at the sorority house, though Zach certainly thought she did while they were dating. I guess he just never went up to her room, since she didn't actually have one there officially. Who know.
I also learned that Christina never had any pets while she was growing up. She suspects her father didn't want her to have to deal with something dying, but she claims she could have handled it. I think she wishes she had had a pet of some kind. She really likes Steve (my beta fish) and I told her she should get one for her dorm room, too. "Maybe after the summer," she said.
"Fish can be a little tricky to keep alive," I warned her, "but I'll help you out."
She seemed more than happy with that. She seems pretty excited to meet the animals on our farm, too. I've told her that we do eat some of the chickens, but she laughed and said she wouldn't expect us not to. "I'm not a vegetarian or anything," she said, "and it's not like death is a forbidden topic. I can handle it."
I blush a little and apologize, to which she tells me there's no need and starts asking about the barn cats I had mentioned: how many, what colors, do they have names. I enjoy telling her about them, and with my mom's love of animals, I think this will give her and Christina something to bond over, which is certainly a nice thought. I hear horror stories sometimes about girlfriends and moms not getting along. I know Zach's mom met Lizzy one time, and seemed plenty content with what she observed, though it wasn't for very long. I'm pretty sure Lizzy still refuses to let Zach ever meet her mother, even though her mother lives like four miles from campus. But oh well, that's something for the two of them to sort out.
But Christina, Christina is great. She wants me to meet her dad, she wants to meet my family, she takes an interest in my interests. She likes literature, which is great because I love to read, too. The sign language thing is fun. She is more musical than I am, but when I point that out she laughs and says, "Barely." She's fun and nice and smart and funny. Sometimes she seems to put herself down a little, and I think she's still pretty bummed about missing track season, but when we were talking about that in front of Bridget one time, Bridget just rolled her eyes and said, "Give it a rest! If you hadn't messed up your foot, you never would have met Brady."
Christina laughed and looked at Bridget and said, "Yeah, because my best friend who was dating his best friend never thought that make the two of us would hit it off."
"Yeah, whatever," Bridget said, "you just keep giving me crap for that." And she put in her headphones and at least pretended to be focused on whatever magazine she was reading.
Christina just looked over at me and smiled, and reached for my hand. "I am thankful we got together," she said. "I think this makes it worth having missed the track season." When she said that, I couldn't have been happier.
-----
Alyse wanted a family and she wanted it soon. She was so excited by the thought of bringing another life into the world, a life that was the merging of our two souls, as she described it. I was terrified at the thought, but I couldn't help but smile when I saw the joy in her eyes.
How soon we wanted to have children was the one point of contention in our otherwise happy marriage. I was in no major rush. Though I definitely did want to have a baby with this beautiful woman who was my wife, I just didn't quite feel ready yet. "No one ever feels ready," Alyse told me. "At least that's what all the books say."
"Do you feel ready?" I asked her.
"Yes," she said without hesitation.
"Counter point," I responded.
Alyse just laughed. She wanted a baby so bad, but she understood my hesitation, and she never pushed me, she just eventually won me over with her exuberance and love. Some might call it manipulation, but I know it was love. Alyse didn't have a manipulative bone in her body.
She was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. I felt that typical mix of terror and joy. Joyous thoughts of "I'm going to be a father with this woman!" mixed with the terror of, "Oh God, I'm going to have to be a father." My own father had never been horrible, but he had never been particularly great either. So who did I have to learn from? Alyse just told me that with my gentle spirit and my love, I had nothing to worry about, and I chose to make myself believe her.
And so we waited, with anxious anticipation. As the baby inside her grew day by day, we were just longing to hold our beautiful bundle of joy in our arms and become a complete family together.
-----
I really like Brady's girlfriend. I asked my husband what he thought of her and he just shrugged and grunted, but I think he liked her, too. She's certainly not a farm girl, but I think she appreciates our country life. She certainly liked the kittens and was mostly okay with the chickens, too. She complimented my cooking and said fresh eggs were delicious for breakfast. She even offered to go collect some eggs! I think she's a good match for Brady, and I know he'll be good to her, too.
-----
I've heard it said that no boy is ever good enough for a father's little girl, but if my girl has to start dating someone, this Brady guy seems pretty good. I just hope he's not playing her. I know some guys are like that. They act all tough and macho or they seem like they're real gentleman and they make a girl think she's attracted to them and then they cast her aside or they say or do horrible things to her. I know about those kind of guys all too well. Sometimes it seems like nice guys have no chance against guys like that, but then, every once in a while, a guy like me just happens to get lucky...
I really hope Brady's a guy like me. Not to sound boastful, but I consider myself one of the good guys. I think Christina's mother was happy when she was married to me, even though it did cost her her life. I hope this guy doesn't cost Christina her life. I'm talking in the figurative sense. Though I certainly hope he won't cost her her life in the literal sense, I figure that's pretty unlikely to happen. But anyway, my girl is strong. Even if he does turn out to be a jerk, she'll come through this, and I see no evidence so far of him being a jerk, so I'll choose to trust him as long as Christina does.
-----
For those last five or six weeks of the semester, after Lizzy and I got back together, I did everything I could to keep Christina and Lizzy apart. I wasn't worried about Lizzy coming into contact with Bridget. I was worried about Lizzy coming into contact with Christina. Even though she never mentioned the pageant again after that first night, I was sure she resented Christina for winning. If those two got together in the same room... well I didn't want to be there and I certainly didn't want to be responsible. And if Lizzy ever found out that Christina didn't even care that much about her victory, well I'm sure that would have made it any worse.
So for those final weeks of the semester, I frequently suggested Brady go over to Christina's instead of coming over here, made an effort to meet Lizzy in public more often, and made sure to tell Brady where I was going when I took Lizzy out in public so that he and Christina wouldn't accidentally find themselves in the same spot. At first, Brady tried to just laugh off my concerns as me being as crazy as Lizzy herself, but the more I kept with it, the more worried he seemed to get. I didn't mean to worry him, but if I worried him a little, it was worth it to keep Christina safe from Lizzy's wrath. I admit, I it probably seemed like I was being melodramatic and over cautious, attributes more often attributed to Brady than to me, but living with a dude like that for two years, you can't help but have him rub off on you a little, and better safe than sorry. If it was my own safety, I wouldn't be so worried, but I wanted to keep Brady and his girl free from torment.
Over the summer, I had a lot less control since Brady and I were hundreds of miles apart. Knowing that Lizzy and Christina were left alone in the same city made it in some ways a lot more difficult and nerve-wracking, but I got around it as best as I could by talking to Lizzy frequently and even inviting her out to stay with me and my family for a couple weeks, an offer she seemed happy to accept. And she still never once mentioned Christina or the beauty pageant. Not only that, but she hardly mentioned beauty pageants at all that whole summer, and only competed in one, which she handily won. I started to think maybe I had been worried for nothing. Maybe Lizzy wasn't as obsessive as I had thought she was.
And then we returned to school the next semester. Much to my surprise, Lizzy decided to enroll in school, though she chose a local community college rather than my school. She said she needed to get some sort of management certification to advance at work. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with me as before, but we would still make it work. She said all of that, but still she seemed to manage to find her way over to my dorm room five days during those first two weeks. Brady was there every time, and she was strangely polite to him, which made me a little nervous, and then on that fifth visit, she came out and asked him, "Hey Brady, are you still dating that girl? That one who won the beauty pageant? Was Christine her name?"
My heart jumped into my throat as I looked nervously at Brady. He returned my look of uncertainty, and then looked over at Lizzy to say. "Yeah. Her name's Christina. Why?"
Lizzy seemed to hesitate a little. I couldn't quite tell if she was acting or genuine but she said, "It's a shame I never see her around. She seemed like a sweet girl. We should go out on a double date sometime. I'd love to pick her brain about what she thought of the pageant and how she won."
"Oh boy," I thought and tried to flash a warning to Brady, but he was smart enough to handle himself and said, "I'll have to check with her to see when she's free. I know we'll all pretty busy..."
Lizzy shrugged, either missing or choosing to ignore that Brady was trying to get out of this. "Well if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out," she said. And then she looked at me and said in a rather serious tone with a bit of a glare in her eyes, "But I'd really like to get to know her better."
-----
When I told Christina about Lizzy's request to go on a double date, she smiled and said, "Yeah, that would be fun. I'm sure we can make that work."
I leaned in and said in a more hushed tone, "No, I don't think you understand, Christina. Lizzy is... well... she's a little unbalanced. Zach is dating her and even he thinks she's still jealous of you."
Christina laughed. "Jealous of me? She doesn't even know me."
"Jealous of your win at that beauty pageant."
Christina folded her hands and leaned in to match me. "The pageant last year?" she asked. Her eyebrows raised in surprise. "You're kidding, right?"
I shook my head. "I wish I was."
She leaned back and sighed as she put her hands behind her head. Then she surprised me by saying, "What's the worst she can do?"
My eyes grew wide and then I thought about that. What was the worst she could do? What was the worst I really expected Lizzy to do?
"It's not like she's going to strangle me in the middle of a public restaurant," Christina said. "And I can take a few harsh words. I'll know she doesn't really mean them."
"But that's the thing," I protested, "she probably will mean them."
Christina shrugged. "Well that's her problem then," she said.
I couldn't help but smile. I often had wished Christina would be more tough, more confident, and now she was, and just at the time when I was being a wimp. "You're right, it is," I agreed. Then I said, "You're full of surprises."
Christina smiled. "I'm just happy because I went to the doctor yesterday and my ankle is completely healed. I'm allowed to start training for track season again."
And so it was settled. Lizzy would get her double date after all. I knew Zach would be scared about it, but if Christina knew what she was up against and still wasn't afraid, why should we be. Christina was right. It was Lizzy's problem. And if Lizzy chose to be a bully, maybe someone sweet and kind like Christina was just what we needed to counter her.
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