NaNoWriMo -- Day 24

Dude, I am so glad that Lizzy won the pageant this time around.  Our dateversary celebration probably would have been a full and total disaster had she lost again without even having Christina going up against her, but fortunately, she totally destroyed it.  Like, it wasn't even close.  I managed to convince one of the judges to tell me how close it was in the end, and it really was a landslide.  I knew it would be.  Lizzy is like a total pro at this stuff.  She knows how to strut her stuff.  And she even was pretty classy about it this time.  She didn't flaunt her victory and seemed genuinely congratulatory to the second and third place finishers.  I mean, probably she was just really good at the acting, but still, she knows that honey catches more flies than vinegar or whatever the old saying was that my grandma used to say.

So yeah, I was really proud of her.  It made me pleased to be her boyfriend, seeing her win and being such a good winner about it.  Afterward, with me, she acted like it was no big deal, just another college pageant, but when I kept telling her how amazing she was, she actually blushed a little.  Christina and Brady were in the audience, too, and the paranoid part of me was afraid someone would recognize Christina as the winner from last year and steal some of the spotlight away from Lizzy, but that didn't happen at all.  I think Lizzy liked having them there.  Christina was very congratulatory afterwards and shared my sentiment that it wasn't even close.

So that was a great night.  And the next night for our dateversary, also amazing.  Lizzy was so happy with the fancy French restaurant I took her to after the art gallery opening we attended.  She kept going on and on about the artists she knew or didn't know and how the work was typical or atypical.  I just listened and smiled, more than happy to have her keep talking.  I know what passion is like, and I'm so happy to see her showing it for something beyond pageants.  While we were at the opening, she even offered to sneak me a glass of campaign, since she's of the legal drinking age and I'm still six weeks shy of 21, but I figured best not to risk it out in public.  I didn't want anything to ruin our special night.

The restaurant was stellar, too.  We don't usually go for something quite so fancy, but this was artsy and glamorous and I knew Lizzy would love the extra attention the wait staff gave us.  So that was great, and afterwards, well, the whole night was just a lot of fun.  Lizzy is a lot of fun, and I think she's softening up quite a bit from the highly competitive, somewhat obsessive girl I parted ways with two years ago, and even the girl I got back together with last year.  She's really great, and I need to focus on finishing school and graduating next year, but if things are still going well at that point, I'd seriously consider asking her to marry me.

-----

Somewhere, buried deep away in the basement, are the unfinished manuscript pages from that novel began during the months leading up to the birth of my daughter.  When we learned about the potential complications with the pregnancy, it seemed like the words just started to flow onto the pages, anything to distract from the real and present risks to life involved with what was happening, but then the words stopped.  And now, after all these years and all this pain and thinking that they would never be touched again, I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, with my daughter starting to get interested in writing, if now might be the time...

-----

Brady is the best boyfriend imaginable!  Granted, maybe my imagination is stinted by lack of experience, but I think he's great.  I heard from Lizzy all about the awesome anniversary celebration she and Zach had, all this fancy art stuff and a fancy restaurant and everything.  I think that's awesome and romantic, but Brady really went above and beyond to find things that he knew I would love.  Now, looking back, I don't know why it was his job to make me happy on that day.  I mean, it was OUR anniversary.  It should have been for both of us.  And I even told him that the next day, that he made this amazing night for me and it should have been for us.  But like the amazing guy he is, he just smiled and said, "It was for us."

Let me explain to you why I think Brady is so great.  Our evening started out with Brady giving me his anniversary present for me:  tickets to a book reading and signing by one of my favorite authors in the fall.  This was great for two reasons:  it's a book reading and signing by one of my favorite authors AND it's four months away, which shows commitment to our relationship.  Not that I doubted Brady's commitment at this point, and if I'm being realistic, simply buying tickets for an event four months out isn't a guarantee of our relationship actually lasting, but I really believe it will last, and Brady's actions show that he does, too.

So that was the first part.  The next part was a poetry reading.  This is where the "it was for us" might actually be true because, although he doesn't like to admit it to Zach too much, Brady really does like poetry, even romantic poetry.  I think I even saw a tear in his eye during one of the more moving pieces.  I smiled and squeezed his hand.  He looked at me and the admiration in his eyes, for me, for the poetry, for both, spoke more words to me than the poem had.  It was beautiful.

Then it was dinner time.  Brady didn't just take me to some restaurant for this.  He took me to a candlelit dinner set up specially for us on the middle of the track field.  Some might think that's cheesy, but I thought it was great.  It was like something from a novel.  There were roses and moonlight plus candlelight and my favorite foods and even a violinist that Brady met in one of his classes and got to come play for us.  It was so great.

And the night wasn't done yet.  To top it all off, we went to the science department's observatory where we got to gaze at the stars and Brady presented me with a certificate about how he had "officially" named a star after me.  He was quick to tell me that it was fake and that getting a certificate that was actually official cost a couple hundred dollars, but to me, that just made it even better.  People like Bridget, they just throw money around because they have it.  I know Brady's family does decently well, but he doesn't flaunt that and he makes his own way and finds ways to be creative.  Besides, I'm pretty sure the romantic dinner on the track field cost quite a bit, so you might as well save money elsewhere where you can!

So Lizzy might think she's got a great guy who'll do anything for her, and she's probably right, but no matter how many arguments she might make, I know that my guy's the best and that's something I will never deny.

-----

When I look at the stars at night, I think of you and all the things we used to do, and how maybe, one day, I could be a poet, too.  Could it be that you're looking down at me and thinking these same things, too?

-----

I sometimes think about how my life would have been so different if Alyse had reacted differently in the park that fateful day.  Might she simply have wrinkled up her nose in disgust at me?  Might she have demanded I erase that photo I accidentally took of her and go away, never to be seen again?  Might she have scoffed and mocked me?  No, none of these things were possible, not with the Alyse I know and love.  If she had been a different person, maybe, but then she wouldn't have been Alyse and it all would have been different anyway.  But would that be better?  Would we all be happier if it hadn't been Alyse sitting on that bench that day waiting unknowingly for me to take a photo of her?  I don't know, and I don't like to think about that, but from all the pain, came something beautiful and good:  our daughter.  And her, I wouldn't trade for the world.

-----

Sometimes I wonder what really happened to my dad.  I mean, my mom so agonized over telling me about how he ran away to the farm in South Dakota that for a good many years, I thought it had to be true.  But as you grow older, you start to wonder about how many of the things your parents tell you are really true and how much they just kind-of made up because they thought it would be easier than telling the truth.  Did my dad really run away to another state?  Is he really living somewhere out in the country?  Does he have some other family he loves now?  Or is he really somewhere closer to home, somewhere I'd never see him but that my mom doesn't want to tell me about?  Would I even recognize him if I did see him?  It was so long ago, I'm not even sure I have a memory of his face.  Somewhere there must be a photo of him, but I think my mom all threw them out not long after he left, so it might be hard to find.  And why did he leave?  My mom never told me that and I was never brave enough to ask.  As much confidence as I show, I'm really pretty scared when it comes to learning the truth about my father.  And why would I need to learn the truth anyway?  He left mom and me all alone.  Isn't that enough?  There's no satisfactory explanation for that.  Nothing that would make it okay.  Did he even love us at all?  And if he did, how could he just leave like that?  When you really love someone, you're supposed to work it out, right?  And if you don't love them, well, why were you with them to begin with?  As I get older, it makes me nervous about the whole thought of getting married at all.  Why commit yourself to someone who might just get bored of you and leave at any time?  I want a man, I want a good man, a man like the man I have.  But how can I know he'll always stay good?  If he married me, would I be able to say yes?  Or would I think of my mom and dad and get afraid and run away from a good thing?  Dad, wherever you are, sometimes I really hate you.

-----

I'm sorry, my love.  I'm sorry for all I've done, for all the wrongs.  I don't express it well, I never have, but I've thought it before and I'll think it again:  I love you and, in my own way, your mother, too.  There is room in a man's heart for more than one love, even if he never says he loves you at all.  Maybe one day I'll find you again.  I know I can't make it right and I can never explain what I did.  I can never speak the way I think; I don't do that.  I just don't.  Emotions don't work like that.  They're private, and can't be shared in words.  But sometimes, with a look or a touch, they come through.  I failed before with you, and I think I've failed with my other children, too, but maybe it isn't fully too late.  Maybe I can still do something good for you.  If I ever find you, maybe I'll ask you if you think that's possible.  But more likely, I won't be able to.  Emotions aren't meant to be shared in words.

-----

I can't believe it's summer vacation time again already!  My dad and I are planning a special vacation this year, just the two of us.  I'll miss Brady of course, but I need some time with my dad.  It's going to be a lot of fun.  We're going to go see the Grand Canyon.  I've never seen it before.  My dad's seen it before and says it's beautiful, but he's excited to see it again and take some really great pictures.  I'm glad my dad takes pictures of things.  It's nice to have memories and mementos of things.  Some things, no matter how badly you want to remember them, they seem to fade away if you don't have something physical to remember them by.  Dad says he's really looking forward to spending time with his little girl.  I'm just growing up so fast, apparently.  I feel like he's treating me a little bit like a little kid, but I know it must be hard to see your daughter growing up.  And I know, how I know, that I look even more like my mother now than before.  I keep that old photo of her, back from before I was born, and I still look at it sometimes to remind myself that she was real and that she really, truly lives on in me.  She was beautiful.  And even though I never knew her, I miss her still.  But that's a sad thought.  This summer is going to be full of new, happy memories.  Beautiful memories.  I can't wait.

NaNoWriMo -- Day 22

Life is joy!  My one year anniversary with Brady is coming up in just a few weeks and I'm so excited.  I suggested to Lizzy that we could go out on a double date the week before, since that's when I met Brady and when she and Zach got back together, but she's too busy prepping for the second annual college beauty pageant.  She tried to get me to compete again, but I politely declined.  She seemed pretty upset and for a second I thought she might smack me or throw a tantrum, but then she just laughed and said that it was probably for the best anyway.  I certainly agree.  Not that I'd ever expect to win that thing again, but if I did by some happenstance happen to beat her again, well, I don't think our friendship could recover from that.  Best to just leave it alone and hope she doesn't think I'm bowing out because I think I'd beat her.  Let her think that it's because I don't want to lose, which is what I'm hoping she thinks, or that it's because I'd rather focus on Brady, which is closest to the truth.

But anyway, back to the joy!  Brady won't tell me exactly what he has planned, but he says it's going to be great.  Our first "date" was sweet but simple - we went out to get ice cream at this cute little shop near campus.  I told Brady I'd be happy to just do that again, but he says he wants something more special than that for our anniversary and that we should have had something more special for that for our first date.  I assure him it's fine, that I just want to be with him, but I think he thinks it's some sort of feminine trap or something, because he still insists on doing something fancy and grand.  Not that I mind too much.  I mean, I would be content with just going for a walk and getting ice cream, but I'm not going to object to a more romantically extravagant adventure either.

Oh, and speaking of adventures, I nearly skipped over the entire track season in my excitement to tell you about our anniversary!  Needless to say, this year went colossally better than last year.  No injuries for me and more trophies and ribbons than I ever expected to receive!  Considering that I expected to receive at most three and I got six, it might not sound that impressive, but I'm still off to a great start in my collegiate career.  Granted, half of those I did get at this one super easy meet where I even placed in an event I don't usually run, but that still leaves the three I expected to get, so at the very least, I did as well as I wanted to.  Brady told me I did fantastic.  He was at every meet within an hours drive (there were four of them) and even went with me to one of the further away meets, even though I didn't get a single prize there.  He still told me I did great and that my determination and my speed were inspiring.  I laughed that off a little, but it really did mean a lot to me that he would say something like that.  Brady isn't the most outgoing guy, but he manages to often say really nice things at the right time.  I like that a lot.  He doesn't have to be super talkative; he just needs to know what to say at the right time, and he does that pretty darn well.  Better than I do, I think.

And I just can't wait to see what he has planned for our anniversary!  I know he and Zach have been conspiring and trading ideas, and I've managed to get from Zach a little of what he has planned for Lizzy the day after the beauty pageant (there re-versary as he calls it), and based on how much thought he's put into that, I'm sure Brady's plan will be wonderful.  And even if I've gotten my hopes up too high, I'll still be enjoying a night with my favorite guy.  What more could a girl want?

-----

I want it all:  fame, fortune, and a good man.  I'm well on my way.  I think that after I win this next pageant, I might actually try for the big show.  I recently got a promotion at work, which I managed to pull off in the middle of my classes and pageant preparations, so I'm pretty sure I can do anything.  I'm locally famous for my pageant performances, was even before my most recent wins.  That's how I met Zach after all.  And with him by my side, I've got a good man.  Now I just need to work on the fortune.  I've started to learn that Bridget's family is a little filthy rich.  I've considered how maybe I could use that to get me started, maybe get a foot in the door somehow, but I'm not sure how that would work.  I think it might be better to just focus on the pageants and let fame develop into fortune.  I know just winning pageants won't do it, but I'm thinking I could go into modeling.  I'm not sure why I never considered that before.  People have mentioned it to me before, but I always kind-of blew it off.  I wanted to focus on live performance, but modeling could bring in a lot of money, and there's a modeling school where I could perfect my techniques just a few hours away.  I ran the idea by Zach a little nervously and he seemed to think it was a great idea, or at least that I'd be great at it.  He seemed genuinely excited for me.  He responded quickly so it didn't seem like he hesitated or anything.  That made me feel pretty good.  Zach's a pretty smart, fun guy.  Even though I didn't originally get back together with him to be with him, I'm enjoying spending time with him more and more.

NaNoWriMo -- Day 21

Being a doctor is really rough sometimes.  I might save a hundred lives, but there's always the one or two or ten that you couldn't save, or worse yet, the ones you think maybe you could have, but you didn't.  The hardest are the ones that die young.  Working as an ER doctor, I get some cases that are just people being paranoid or extra cautious.  You might think those are annoying, but when I have time to deal with those things and there's no one about to die coming to see me, those are the great days.  I love having to stitch up a little boy's knee and joking with him about how tough the scar is going to make him (even though there won't be much of a scar to speak of).  What I don't love is... well... there's this one in particular that really got to me.  I've had situations similar to it before, but for some reason, this one just hit me a little harder than usual.  It's just one more time I couldn't save someone, and yet, to those who loved this person, it was a precious life that they're not ready to give up yet.  Are any of us really ready?  Even a doctor like me who sees nearly every day that death is inevitable, can I ever be ready?  For some doctors, seeing all that death makes them so ready they choose to take their own lives, but not me, I'm going to keep living and I'm going to keep fighting for others to live, too.  Really, it's all I can ever hope to do.

-----

It's the season of love for everyone but me it seems.  Lizzy is still dating my ex and Chris is still thrilled to be with Brady.  I'm happy for both of them, well, Chris quite a bit more so that Lizzy, but you can't help but be a little bitter about someone else ending up with your man, even if it is someone as cool as Lizzy with someone I don't really want to be with anyway.

But who do I want to be with?  I thought I wanted a guy that likes to party, a guy like me.  I had thought that was what Zach would be.  That was the main reach I finally agreed to date him.  That and I like to reward persistence.  But who's persistently pursuing me now?  Seems like no one.  Maybe that's just because I decided not to rejoin the sorority this semester.  I was already barely involved last semester.  It was like the opposite of the previous year.  That first year, I didn't have a room at the house and still spent like all of my time there.  This year, I actually got a room and spent like none of my time there.  I'm pretty sure they were about ready to kick me out before I left voluntarily, though the kicking may have simply been symbolic since I spent like none of my time there.

But yeah, I guess I just realized that my real friends are my friends like Chris, who are good and decent and don't just want to go out and get drunk.  You know, people that are like the opposite of me.  I'm just so glad that I didn't wear off on Chris.  Her dad was always so worried about that.  I don't know why.  Sometimes Chris is easily influenced, but only by good influences, not by the likes of me.  I suppose I did play some tiny role in getting her and Brady together, though mostly that happened by accident.

Well anyway, I don't want to get down in the dumps.  Maybe what I need to do is go out and have some fun.  Not a crazy drunken amount of fun, just like, go out to a movie or something.  Maybe Chris would like to go with me.  We could go out to a nice chick flick or something, a movie Brady isn't so likely to have gone to see with her.  Brady is a sensitive guy; he probably would be happy to go see a rom-com with Chris, but why should he have to take that hit.  No, I'll bite the bullet and go out to a chick flick with my girl.  I wonder what's playing?

-----

Jamie is back from her study abroad this semester!  Yeah, she was in Italy for four months.  It's crazy all this stuff that she manages to do.  I think it's really great.  The best part about having her back, though, was getting to introduce her to Brady.  Now all three of us get to have secret sign language conversations, though obvious Jamie is way better at it than the two of us are.  I think in a little while, there might be four or possibly even five of us that know some basic sign language.  Zach was the first to get interested, and I think Bridget might finally be coming around, too.  I think she feels like she doesn't get to spend enough time with me, considering that she's even willing to spend time with me learning sign language.  I tell her I always have time for her.  Maybe we can set up some sort of movie night or something so Brady doesn't have to suffer through another chick flick with me.  I'll have to mention that to her at some point.  But anyway, I am glad that she's showing a little bit of interest in learning sign language.

The only hold out is Lizzy.  She doesn't see the point.  She thinks she can always just write things down if she needs to, and if she encounters someone who's both deaf and illiterate, well that's just silly and she probably would have little interest in communicating with them anyway.  Sometimes Lizzy is a real pain like that, but I think if the rest of us get better at sign language and start using it in front of her and she's the only one that doesn't understand, it'll drive her crazy and she'll finally give in.  She'd probably secretly learn on her own and not tell us, thinking we're saying something bad about her, and then try to catch us in the act, which wouldn't happen since we wouldn't be saying something bad about her.  But that's the kind of thing Lizzy would do.  She's a little paranoid sometimes.  I guess if calling her "paranoid" is considered "bad", we might say that about her, and if she considers that bad, I guess the "paranoia" will be justified and then won't be so bad after all.

Ouch.  Now I'm making my head hurt.  All I wanted to say is that I'm excited to have another of my friends back in my life.  It's so nice to meet new people and develop these relationships.  Some relationships, I kind-of hope are going to last a long, long time.

-----

Despite my initial and lingering fear, Alyse and I had a lot of fun those first five months after she found out she was pregnant.  I took a photo of her in the same spot in our house every day.  It was fun to see how she grew over time.  When we looked at the pictures, six months into the pregnancy, she pouted her lips and complained about how fat she was getting, but then just smiled and laughed and I laughed, too.

It was a couple weeks after that, just into the start of the third trimester when Alyse's doctor noticed something off.  The baby didn't seem to be growing quite as fast as it should and Alyse seemed to have some mineral deficiencies when they did some blood work.  It wasn't too alarming, they told us, but something to keep an eye on.  I could tell Alyse was worried for the baby, but she told me she was sure it would be fine.  She even tried to distract herself by working on her new book.

I was worried, too, for the baby and Alyse.  This was our first child, and I really didn't want to lose him or her, but I knew that Alyse would be even more devastated.  I can't imagine what it would be like to carry a new life inside your body for nine months, but to have that life taken from you before you even got to hold it in your arms?  The thought of that was awful to me, I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be for Alyse, and that made me feel at least a fraction of the pain I knew she must be feeling.

But Alyse was strong and chose to remain optimistic.  I hugged her and kissed her and we kept smiling and laughing and I definitely kept taking those photos, all the way up until the day our baby was born.  And that day... oh that day...  I can't talk about it, not yet.  I just can't.

NaNoWriMo -- Day 20

Some friends fade until even their memories are forgotten.  And some friends seem to stick with you forever.  I don't know what it's like to grow old, like, really old, so I don't know how advanced aging might affect my memories, but I know, some kids I used to hang out with growing up, I don't even remember their names or their faces.  And with other people, mostly people I met later in life, I can't imagine ever letting go.

-----

Time passes too quickly.  Time passes too slowly.  Alyse and I couldn't wait for our new baby to be born.  Now, in the aftermath, I often long for those days again, when we were simple and innocent and so, so alive.  I miss Alyse so much, though I don't often talk about it anymore.  But even now, after all these years, even after I've supposedly moved on, to think about how I lost her and can never get her back, it still causes me pain for which there simply are no words.

-----

I'm so excited for our new baby!  David is the most amazing husband, and I know he's going to be the best dad.  We were so worried, but we had nothing to worry about.  David is so dedicated to me!  I know the hormones are driving me crazy, and I can be a real handful, but he never complains.  He cooks, he cleans, he gets me the crazy things I'm craving, like sardines and lemon jell-o.  There couldn't be a more perfect man.  He just makes me so, so happy, and I'm so emotional already.  I'm starting to tear up.  I hate getting all weepy.

I need to think about baby names instead.  I'd suggested David Jr if its a boy, but David doesn't want the baby to be named after him.  He thinks its too prideful.  So we were thinking of maybe James or Charles.  For a girl, I thought maybe Diana or Elizabeth would be pretty.  I guess I'm on a bit of a British royalty kick or something.  I've been researching Britain for this new book I want to write.  I've been managing to find some time to work on it, and I know I'll have even less after the baby is born, but I do want to keep doing some work even then.  I love what I do, but I don't want to go overboard.  I know I'm going to love my new baby even more.

-----

Sometimes, in the silence at night, when all I can hear is the crickets and an occassional coyote howling in the distance, sometimes I wonder if my husband is truly and always happy with me.  I know he was married before, and that he left his wife not long after his daughter was born.  His daughter, she doesn't even know him.  He says he can't go back, not now, not ever.  Something awful happened between him and his wife, and he can never go back.  He doesn't tell me what, and he doesn't say it's awful, I just infer that from how he says he can never go back.

I didn't actually know about his wife until after we were already engaged.  He didn't want to tell me, but he knew he had to.  He's a good man, even if he did leave his first wife.  He said he was sorry he left her, but that she never understood him, not really, and that I'm the one he wants to be with.  It's the sweetest, most sentimental and emotional moment I've ever had with him.  He isn't usually emotional like that.  I wouldn't want him to be.  But maybe his first wife did.  Maybe that's what happened between them.  I don't know.

Sometimes, I wish I knew more about his past, but he isn't a very open man.  He keeps to himself, keeps quiet.  Other times, I'm amazed he's shared with me as much as he has.  He tells me what he needs to and nothing more.  I respect that, even if I am pretty much the exact opposite.

We work well together, he and I.  And life in the country is wonderful.  I know he loves it, too, even if he never explicitly says that.  He belongs here.  We are the ones who belong together.

Do I feel sorry for his first wife?  Yes, I mean, how can I not.  Sometimes I feel guilty for stealing him away from her.  But I know it wasn't really like that.  I don't think he ever would have gone back to her, even if he hadn't met me.  He and she, they just weren't meant to be.  I do believe in destiny, and sometimes, it can take you time and a mistake or two to find what yours really is.

-----

Did I make a mistake in going back to Lizzy again?  I ask myself that from time to time, and Brady seems to ask me it with a look sometimes, too, though he never puts it into words.  I never don't think it was a mistake.  I think Lizzy and I are good for each other.  She doesn't distract me from school like Bridget does, yet she's still random and fun, like I like to be.  She is a little obsessive about things still, well, about beauty and that stuff, but I just keep telling her how pretty she is, and that keeps things happy between us.  I mean, calling her out for being the cutest young lady around was how we met, after all.  It only makes sense that I'd continue telling her things like that.

And I mean, no relationship is perfect.  Everyone's going to have problems.  I sometimes worry about Lizzy, and her state of mind, what she's really thinking about.  She's pretty honest with me, but she doesn't always tell me everything.  And as passionate as she is about certain things, she still keeps other things, personal things about her past and stuff, to herself.  I'm willing to listen, to let her open up, but she often doesn't want to share.

But she's good to me.  And she's been so much better to Brady and Christina.  I'm starting to think she might actually like Christina.  Lizzy says nice things about Chris even when Chris isn't around.  That like, totally means a lot coming from a girl like Lizzy.

So yeah, Lizzy still makes me happy, and I think she's getting more chill and happy and more fun when it comes to pageants, which just makes her even more often like the fun, awesome person she is when she isn't stressing out over pageants.

-----

Pageants are still my life, don't get me wrong, but maybe there is more to life than pageants.  I mean, I always knew that at some level, but getting back with Zach this second time, I think I've come to actually believe it.  I mean, I like to have fun and learn new things and gain new skills, but before, I was always trying to relate it back to, like, how could I use it to win a pageant.  Now, finally, for what might be the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to truly do things just for fun, not just for or because of a pageant.  Like, art is actually pretty cool of its own accord, not just to help me analyze what people think is beautiful and what isn't, or to have something intelligent to talk to with judges.  I do like art just for it's own sake.

Don't go getting your hopes up now, all you pageant hopefuls.  I'm still going to keep competing, and I'm still in it to win, and if you try to undermine me or cheat your way to victory or something ridiculous like that, I will still bring you down like a strong wind against a tower of playing cards, but I'm making room in my life for other things, too, other things for me, not just to seem normal to others.  It's for me.  And for Zach.  Zach has brought this out in me more than anyone before.  I think it's remotely possible that I might even come to love him for that.  Maybe.

-----

I cannot believe it's Christmas time already!  This will be my first Christmas with a real boyfriend.  We're trying to work out our plans to spend time with both of our families.  My family doesn't have a huge holiday celebration, but my dad usually invites his parents and his brother over and we eat duck and dumplings and hang stockings and all that stuff.  We do pop popcorn over an open fire.  That's pretty cool.  I told Brady about it, and he seemed to agree it sounded like a lot of fun.  He said his family Christmas is just his immediate family, but since he has three younger sisters, it's actually a larger gathering than at my dad's house.

So yeah, it's going to be a great holiday season, though I am a little nervous about what to get Brady for Christmas.  Fortunately, I have two friends who have dated his roommate, so they have a few ideas, plus I've run those ideas past Zach himself, who seemed a little surprised to be able to confirm my girls were actually giving me accurate information.

But at any rate, it's going to be a great Christmas.  I get to see my dad, bring Brady home to meet him (though that's actually already happened twice), eat some great food, have time to read a couple novels, and I get to go back to Brady's family's farm again.  I really like the farm, though I do hope Brady doesn't want to move back out to the country should our relationship... develop.  But that's getting ahead of things.  I'm just going to enjoy the moment, what we have, enjoy Christmas, and then focus on training for track season.  I can't wait to have Brady in the stands to cheer me on for that.  I just hope I don't let him down.

NaNoWriMo -- Day 19

So everyone thinks I'm all best friends with pretty girl Christina now.  Maybe I am.  Maybe I'm not.  I honestly haven't decided yet.  I used to be furious at the little tramp for beating me out at that beauty pageant, but now I just don't know.  It seems kind-of petty at times.  I mean, it was just a dumb college activity.  One that I should have won, but probably I didn't win because I was too good for it.  And even Christina could tell I should have won, or at least she says she thinks that.  I'm inclined to believe her.  I mean, it was pretty obvious that I had more experience than her.  No one can deny that.

But anyway, I'm willing to let things go for the time being.  I'm not sure how this new "friendship" is going to progress in the future, but it is kind-of nice to have another girl around to hang out with.  Zach is great and all, but sometimes he's just too much of a dude.

Now, not that Christina is all that much of a girly-girl.  For a girl so pretty, she sure doesn't know much about fashion or make-up.  Part of me wants to strangle her when she asks if I really think the shade of blush I've picked out is best for her, but another part of me just wants to take her under my wing and say, "Oh sweetie, trust me, I know what I'm doing", which is what I end up doing.  She's so young, so innocent.  I just can't bring myself to be cruel to her, as long as she doesn't make a habit of beating me in beauty pageants.  Fortunately, she doesn't seem all that interested in competing further, so that's good.  Not that I'm afraid or anything.  Now that I know her secrets, I'm sure I can beat her.  In fact, she even gave me a new tactic to try.  Apparently the sweet little girl who isn't so confident can go a long way in certain pageants.  I wonder if that would help me win some of the few that I didn't manage to take home the crown in.

Another nice thing about Christina is getting to hang out with Bridget.  Bridget is one tough cookie.  I'm not going to lie, I was a little intimidated by her at the beauty pageant, the way she just stood there between Christina and me and stared me down.  Now, Bridget was no threat in terms of actually winning the pageant, but that girl is scary.  I would not want to cross her.  Which, I'll admit, is another aspect to why I've decided to continue playing nice with Christina.  Bridget's sure got balls, and I can respect that.  Plus, she's a real pro at giving people the look.  You know, the look that says, "whatever, I just don't care so shut up please."  And the eye roll?  She's got that down, too.  If Christina can teach me how to play the sweet, little innocent naive girl card, then Bridget can help me tone my skills at being silently terrifying.  Intimidate the other contestants, and win the judges over with sweetness.  It's a perfect combination, and by combining the best aspects of both Chris and Bridget into my performance, I know I can perfect it.

I mean, all of life is really just a performance anyway.  It's not just the pageants that matter.  And how do I really feel about the people around me?  Sometimes even I don't know.

-----

Okay, dude, so it's actually starting to scare me a little how buddy buddy Lizzy is getting with Christina and Bridget.  I mean, that's the girl that beat her at the beauty pageant AND the girl I used to date.  Yeah, yeah, I broke down and told Lizzy that Bridget and I dated for a while.  I certainly didn't want that to blow up in my face.  She just laughed and said,  "Yeah, I don't care.  Bridget's great.  You really messed that up.  And I've got you now anyway, so I guess I win."

That did make me feel a little better, that Lizzy views herself as winning over Bridget.  It's always good when Lizzy feels like she's winning.  That just leaves Christina.  I sure hope it continues to be enough that Christina convinced Lizzy that she believes Lizzy should have won that contest.  Christina's such a sweet girl.  Maybe she was even being genuine when she said all that stuff.  I don't really know, and I don't care.  I just want Lizzy to keep believing it.  If I can keep Lizzy happy, I'll be happy.  Just give it a few more weeks, make sure everything's cool with this new female trio, and I'm pretty sure things with Lizzy and me will really take off.  She's a great girl, and I really am happy to be with her again.  She's just kind-of scary around other women sometimes.  That's all.

-----

Okay, girl, I think this Lizzy chick might seriously be more of a crazy bitch than I am.  And that's saying a lot!  I don't really know what she thinks of me and Chris, but she seems to be hanging out with us all cool for the moment, so I'll just go with it.  I mean, this chick has some serious fashion sense that I could never imagine Chris having in like a million years.  I mean, Chris has got lots of other great qualities, but Lizzy, she knows what's what.  And she's clever about things!  I mean Chris is really smart, like really smart, but Lizzy is clever and witty.  I really like this chick, even though she kind-of terrifies me at the same time.  I think she and I can be great friends, as long as we keep Chris around to ground us and keep us sane.  I mean, I would never give up Chris.  Never.  If I had to choose between Chris and Lizzy, I would still choose Chris in a heartbeat.  Loyalty.  Sisters gotta stick together.  That's what my sorority experience last year taught me, and Chris is more my sister than any of those sisters, or Lizzy even, could ever hope to be.  Just don't tell Lizzy I said any of this.  If I can keep both Chris and Liz as friends, that would be even better.

-----

So I'm starting to understand a little bit why Zach and Brady were so worried about me and Lizzy being in the same room together.  I mean, I saw the obvious source of fear at the beginning of that very first double date we went on, but now that that's settled down and Lizzy and I seem to be, well, I'd call us "frenemies", to steal the term, I can see that it's really difficult to ever tell what Lizzy's really thinking.  Even going back to when she first met Zach... she told me that story, and claims Zach was the one she wanted the whole time, and yet she gave her phone number to Brady.  A part of me is afraid she secretly has a thing for Brady, and that she still has that thing for Brady, and that I'm more than just a rival when it comes to beauty pageants in her mind.  Of course, I can never ask her about it, and I certainly don't want to bring it up with Brady because that will just give him more to worry about when it comes to Lizzy and I being friends, but I still wonder sometimes... But she never seems to look at him that way, I mean, never, and believe me, I've watched for it since she told me the story about her and Zach meeting, so I'm probably just making up wild stories there.  I did mention it to Bridget after I made her promise not to tell Lizzy, and she just poo-pooed me and rolled her eyes, so that made me feel better, too.

I think Lizzy is an okay person, she's just so hard to predict.  I'm not sure I entirely enjoy being her friend all of the time, but if I can say this without sounding too full of myself, I think I might be good for her.  Brady seems to think so, too.

-----

I'm usually not this much of an optimist, but I am making a conscious decision to believe that Christina just might be turning Lizzy around.  At the very least, Lizzy is sure acting a lot nicer towards both me and Christina, and I think that's all I could ever ask for as far as Lizzy is involved.  I have to admit, it is pretty nice going on double dates with Zach without having to worry about his girlfriend murdering mine.  Like I said, I'm usually not this much of an optimist, so I'm not entirely convinced this tenuous peace will last, but I'm just going to enjoy it while I can.  And even if it doesn't last, I won't let that get me down.  As long as I've got Christina, and Christina is safe, Lizzy can do whatever she wants.  She makes Zach happy, and that's great for him, but I don't feel a pressing need to hang out with her all the time, it's just nice to go on double dates sometimes, at long as she keeps behaving, you know.

And honestly, when Lizzy does behave, she's pretty decent to be around.  She's able to talk about lots of stuff other than beauty pageants.  I mean, I actually never noticed the obsession with beauty pageants before anyway, but that's also because she never chose to talk to me all that much before.  But yeah, she likes to talk about art quite a lot it turns out.  And Christina has a moderate interest in photography, in addition to being totally into literature, so that's something nice for them to talk about, and I genuinely enjoy hearing what they have to say.  I've actually learned some interesting stuff about art from Lizzy, and I even fact checked it and turns out she's telling the truth about stuff.

And she does make Zach happy.  I see the way he looks at her.  For a while there, he seemed a little nervous with her and Christina being friends, but I think he's calmed down, and he seems able to enjoy our double dates, too, in addition to enjoying just being with Lizzy.  Yeah, I know I keep saying I'm usually not this much of an optimist, but I really do think this might all work out, at least for a little while.

NaNoWriMo -- Day 18

Our double date was not off to a very good start.  Christina was totally sweet and kind, like I knew she would be, but Lizzy was a real piece of work, if you'll excuse me saying so.  I kept shooting Zach glances, hoping he would say something to her, just ask her to calm down a little, but the most he would do was look back at me and shrug.  I guess I couldn't blame him.  Neither of us had expected this to go particularly well, and Christina had been warned.

The worst part was that Lizzy wasn't acting like an outright, obvious bitch.  It was smaller things she did.  Like she'd sneer at Christina, or if Christina commented on something she'd say, "Okay" and then immediately change the subject to something else.  I wasn't sure how Christina managed to stay so calm.  Afterwards she told me she was used to Bridget getting snooty with her like that at times, which made me wonder if Zach had a type, but I decided to let that go.  In fact, I decided to let it all go because of what happened near the middle of the meal.

Lizzy was continuing to be her quietly aggressive snippy little self, when there was a brief lull in the conversation and Christina chose to say directly to Lizzy, "You know, Lizzy, there's something that's been on my mind."

My mind went immediately to, "Oh geeze, she's going to speak her mind," and I reached for Christina's hand under the table to give it a squeeze for courage, but before I could find it, I instead hear Christina say:

"I really think you should have won that beauty pageant last year.  You clearly knew what you were doing a lot more than I did.  The way you walked across the stage was stunning, and my musical skills are laughable compared to yours.  You answered the questions the judges asked like a pro, too.  I really don't know how anyone could have given you second place."

My jaw nearly hit the floor.  I glanced over at Zach, whose eyes were wide in amazement.  Christina sounded genuine, like she was really trying to smooth things over, but would Lizzy take it that way?  My eyes darted back to Lizzy and a wave of relief swept over me when I saw the smile on her face.  I think she was too shocked to do anything else.  I'm pretty sure no one, other than maybe Zach, had ever talked to her quite like that before.

"I...I appreciate that very much," Lizzy stammered.  "It... it's so nice to be recognized, to..."  I think I even saw a tear in her eye.  "That's all I really wanted."

Christina smiled.  "I know," she said.  "And it sucks that they made me steal that from you and I'm sorry."

Lizzy just smiled even more.  "Don't be sorry," she said.  "I should be sorry.  I knew you were my biggest competition from the moment I saw you.  If anyone deserved to beat me, it was you.  Now if it had been anyone else..."

"It couldn't have been," Christina said, and the two girls laughed.

Now at this point, I was pretty certain Christina had just chosen to do whatever it was going to take to win Lizzy over, because I don't think she would ever feed someone's ego like that unless she felt she really had to.  I felt a little bad that she had felt she had to, but I realized, too, that it was brilliant, and though a part of me hated that she sold out like that, another part of me really loved her for being willing to do so.

Afterwards, Zach asked me, "Dude, did you put her up to that?"

I just laughed and beamed as I said, "No, man, she chose to do that all on her own."

Zach glanced around nervously and then whispered to me, "Want to trade?"

I shook my head and laughed again.  "Not in a million years," I said.

"Darn," Zach said playfully as he snapped his fingers.  Then he patted me on the back and said, "Thanks."

NaNoWriMo -- Day 17

Getting to know a girl is exciting.  Friendships are one thing, but a new romantic relationship takes things to a whole new level.  I want to understand her, what makes her sad, what makes her happy, and do my best to ensure her life is full of the things that make her happy.  I have to admit, though, a selfish part of me is a little thankful she doesn't just have a completely perfect and fully satisfied life.  If she did, why would she need me?  I know that sounds awful, but I want to have a purpose in her life, and I want to help her.  If she doesn't need any help at all, how can I do that.

I don't want to sound like a monster, I'm just being honest.  But even with all of this in the back of my mind, it was still devastating when, after suggesting that she could come meet my family over the summer, I asked her about hers.  That was when I learned she was an only child of a single parent who was a single parent due to death, a death that happened on the day Christina was born.  I can't even imagine my life without my mother or my younger sisters.  If I had grown up with just my father raising me, I probably would have been a completely different person, harsher and more bitter and less open about my emotions.  I'm realizing that my mothers emotional displays, as over the top as they often are, are what let me know it was okay to show and feel emotion.  It's unhealthy to take things to the extreme of either of my parents, but a balance, somewhere between the two, is desirable.  With that in mind, I wasn't ashamed to have cried a little when Christina told me her story.  In fact, I'm kind-of proud that I was able to shed some tears for her.  I think that connection, that empathy, is really important in a relationship.

Christina says that it doesn't really hurt anymore, that she's used to living life without a mother, and she's pretty much an adult herself now anyway, but I can't imagine that it never hurts at all.  I'm sure it would still hurt me, even after all those years.  I trust Christina; if she's comfortable enough telling me the story, I'm sure she's being honest about how its still affecting her or not affecting her, but if she ever does realize and admit that it's still painful, I won't be too surprised.

Well that's enough sadness and despair.  To kick things over to a lighter note, I learned that Christina and I share a random interest in sign language!  I took a sign language class last semester and she's been in the sign language club for a full year.  Neither of us knows more than the alphabet and a few key phrases, but still, it's fun to share that common secret language.  I think we drive Zach and Bridget a little nuts though, because when one of us goes over to the others dorm room, we like to use our sign language skills to have those secret conversations.  We never say anything bad about Zach or Bridget, not really, just things like "Bridget party" if Bridget says something about her sorority and "random Zach" when Zach says or does or wants to do something random.  I think by now at least Zach has figured it out and minds a little less.  Bridget just rolls her eyes at us and doesn't say anything, though at first she used to respond by flipping me off, but then she'd smile and laugh, so I guess it was okay.  Oh, by the way, Bridget and Christina are roommates.  Turns out Bridget doesn't even actually live at the sorority house, though Zach certainly thought she did while they were dating.  I guess he just never went up to her room, since she didn't actually have one there officially.  Who know.

I also learned that Christina never had any pets while she was growing up.  She suspects her father didn't want her to have to deal with something dying, but she claims she could have handled it.  I think she wishes she had had a pet of some kind.  She really likes Steve (my beta fish) and I told her she should get one for her dorm room, too.  "Maybe after the summer," she said.

"Fish can be a little tricky to keep alive," I warned her, "but I'll help you out."

She seemed more than happy with that.  She seems pretty excited to meet the animals on our farm, too.  I've told her that we do eat some of the chickens, but she laughed and said she wouldn't expect us not to.  "I'm not a vegetarian or anything," she said, "and it's not like death is a forbidden topic.  I can handle it."

I blush a little and apologize, to which she tells me there's no need and starts asking about the barn cats I had mentioned:  how many, what colors, do they have names.  I enjoy telling her about them, and with my mom's love of animals, I think this will give her and Christina something to bond over, which is certainly a nice thought.  I hear horror stories sometimes about girlfriends and moms not getting along.  I know Zach's mom met Lizzy one time, and seemed plenty content with what she observed, though it wasn't for very long.  I'm pretty sure Lizzy still refuses to let Zach ever meet her mother, even though her mother lives like four miles from campus.  But oh well, that's something for the two of them to sort out.

But Christina, Christina is great.  She wants me to meet her dad, she wants to meet my family, she takes an interest in my interests.  She likes literature, which is great because I love to read, too.  The sign language thing is fun.  She is more musical than I am, but when I point that out she laughs and says, "Barely."  She's fun and nice and smart and funny.  Sometimes she seems to put herself down a little, and I think she's still pretty bummed about missing track season, but when we were talking about that in front of Bridget one time, Bridget just rolled her eyes and said, "Give it a rest!  If you hadn't messed up your foot, you never would have met Brady."

Christina laughed and looked at Bridget and said, "Yeah, because my best friend who was dating his best friend never thought that make the two of us would hit it off."

"Yeah, whatever," Bridget said, "you just keep giving me crap for that."  And she put in her headphones and at least pretended to be focused on whatever magazine she was reading.

Christina just looked over at me and smiled, and reached for my hand.  "I am thankful we got together," she said.  "I think this makes it worth having missed the track season."  When she said that, I couldn't have been happier.

-----

Alyse wanted a family and she wanted it soon.  She was so excited by the thought of bringing another life into the world, a life that was the merging of our two souls, as she described it.  I was terrified at the thought, but I couldn't help but smile when I saw the joy in her eyes.

How soon we wanted to have children was the one point of contention in our otherwise happy marriage.  I was in no major rush.  Though I definitely did want to have a baby with this beautiful woman who was my wife, I just didn't quite feel ready yet.  "No one ever feels ready," Alyse told me.  "At least that's what all the books say."

"Do you feel ready?" I asked her.

"Yes," she said without hesitation.

"Counter point," I responded.

Alyse just laughed.  She wanted a baby so bad, but she understood my hesitation, and she never pushed me, she just eventually won me over with her exuberance and love.  Some might call it manipulation, but I know it was love.  Alyse didn't have a manipulative bone in her body.

She was so excited when she found out she was pregnant.  I felt that typical mix of terror and joy.  Joyous thoughts of "I'm going to be a father with this woman!" mixed with the terror of, "Oh God, I'm going to have to be a father."  My own father had never been horrible, but he had never been particularly great either.  So who did I have to learn from?  Alyse just told me that with my gentle spirit and my love, I had nothing to worry about, and I chose to make myself believe her.

And so we waited, with anxious anticipation.  As the baby inside her grew day by day, we were just longing to hold our beautiful bundle of joy in our arms and become a complete family together.

-----

I really like Brady's girlfriend.  I asked my husband what he thought of her and he just shrugged and grunted, but I think he liked her, too.  She's certainly not a farm girl, but I think she appreciates our country life.  She certainly liked the kittens and was mostly okay with the chickens, too.  She complimented my cooking and said fresh eggs were delicious for breakfast.  She even offered to go collect some eggs!  I think she's a good match for Brady, and I know he'll be good to her, too.

-----

I've heard it said that no boy is ever good enough for a father's little girl, but if my girl has to start dating someone, this Brady guy seems pretty good.  I just hope he's not playing her.  I know some guys are like that.  They act all tough and macho or they seem like they're real gentleman and they make a girl think she's attracted to them and then they cast her aside or they say or do horrible things to her.  I know about those kind of guys all too well.  Sometimes it seems like nice guys have no chance against guys like that, but then, every once in a while, a guy like me just happens to get lucky...

I really hope Brady's a guy like me.  Not to sound boastful, but I consider myself one of the good guys.  I think Christina's mother was happy when she was married to me, even though it did cost her her life.  I hope this guy doesn't cost Christina her life.  I'm talking in the figurative sense.  Though I certainly hope he won't cost her her life in the literal sense, I figure that's pretty unlikely to happen.  But anyway, my girl is strong.  Even if he does turn out to be a jerk, she'll come through this, and I see no evidence so far of him being a jerk, so I'll choose to trust him as long as Christina does.

-----

For those last five or six weeks of the semester, after Lizzy and I got back together, I did everything I could to keep Christina and Lizzy apart.  I wasn't worried about Lizzy coming into contact with Bridget.  I was worried about Lizzy coming into contact with Christina.  Even though she never mentioned the pageant again after that first night, I was sure she resented Christina for winning.  If those two got together in the same room... well I didn't want to be there and I certainly didn't want to be responsible.  And if Lizzy ever found out that Christina didn't even care that much about her victory, well I'm sure that would have made it any worse.

So for those final weeks of the semester, I frequently suggested Brady go over to Christina's instead of coming over here, made an effort to meet Lizzy in public more often, and made sure to tell Brady where I was going when I took Lizzy out in public so that he and Christina wouldn't accidentally find themselves in the same spot.  At first, Brady tried to just laugh off my concerns as me being as crazy as Lizzy herself, but the more I kept with it, the more worried he seemed to get.  I didn't mean to worry him, but if I worried him a little, it was worth it to keep Christina safe from Lizzy's wrath.  I admit, I it probably seemed like I was being melodramatic and over cautious, attributes more often attributed to Brady than to me, but living with a dude like that for two years, you can't help but have him rub off on you a little, and better safe than sorry.  If it was my own safety, I wouldn't be so worried, but I wanted to keep Brady and his girl free from torment.

Over the summer, I had a lot less control since Brady and I were hundreds of miles apart.  Knowing that Lizzy and Christina were left alone in the same city made it in some ways a lot more difficult and nerve-wracking, but I got around it as best as I could by talking to Lizzy frequently and even inviting her out to stay with me and my family for a couple weeks, an offer she seemed happy to accept.  And she still never once mentioned Christina or the beauty pageant.  Not only that, but she hardly mentioned beauty pageants at all that whole summer, and only competed in one, which she handily won.  I started to think maybe I had been worried for nothing.  Maybe Lizzy wasn't as obsessive as I had thought she was.

And then we returned to school the next semester.  Much to my surprise, Lizzy decided to enroll in school, though she chose a local community college rather than my school.  She said she needed to get some sort of management certification to advance at work.  She was afraid she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with me as before, but we would still make it work.  She said all of that, but still she seemed to manage to find her way over to my dorm room five days during those first two weeks.  Brady was there every time, and she was strangely polite to him, which made me a little nervous, and then on that fifth visit, she came out and asked him, "Hey Brady, are you still dating that girl?  That one who won the beauty pageant?  Was Christine her name?"

My heart jumped into my throat as I looked nervously at Brady.  He returned my look of uncertainty, and then looked over at Lizzy to say.  "Yeah.  Her name's Christina.  Why?"

Lizzy seemed to hesitate a little.  I couldn't quite tell if she was acting or genuine but she said, "It's a shame I never see her around.  She seemed like a sweet girl.  We should go out on a double date sometime.  I'd love to pick her brain about what she thought of the pageant and how she won."

"Oh boy," I thought and tried to flash a warning to Brady, but he was smart enough to handle himself and said, "I'll have to check with her to see when she's free.  I know we'll all pretty busy..."

Lizzy shrugged, either missing or choosing to ignore that Brady was trying to get out of this.  "Well if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out," she said.  And then she looked at me and said in a rather serious tone with a bit of a glare in her eyes, "But I'd really like to get to know her better."

-----

When I told Christina about Lizzy's request to go on a double date, she smiled and said, "Yeah, that would be fun.  I'm sure we can make that work."

I leaned in and said in a more hushed tone, "No, I don't think you understand, Christina.  Lizzy is... well... she's a little unbalanced.  Zach is dating her and even he thinks she's still jealous of you."

Christina laughed.  "Jealous of me?  She doesn't even know me."

"Jealous of your win at that beauty pageant."

Christina folded her hands and leaned in to match me.  "The pageant last year?" she asked.  Her eyebrows raised in surprise.  "You're kidding, right?"

I shook my head.  "I wish I was."

She leaned back and sighed as she put her hands behind her head.  Then she surprised me by saying, "What's the worst she can do?"

My eyes grew wide and then I thought about that.  What was the worst she could do?  What was the worst I really expected Lizzy to do?

"It's not like she's going to strangle me in the middle of a public restaurant," Christina said.  "And I can take a few harsh words.  I'll know she doesn't really mean them."

"But that's the thing," I protested, "she probably will mean them."

Christina shrugged.  "Well that's her problem then," she said.

I couldn't help but smile.  I often had wished Christina would be more tough, more confident, and now she was, and just at the time when I was being a wimp.  "You're right, it is," I agreed.  Then I said, "You're full of surprises."

Christina smiled.  "I'm just happy because I went to the doctor yesterday and my ankle is completely healed.  I'm allowed to start training for track season again."

And so it was settled.  Lizzy would get her double date after all.  I knew Zach would be scared about it, but if Christina knew what she was up against and still wasn't afraid, why should we be.  Christina was right.  It was Lizzy's problem.  And if Lizzy chose to be a bully, maybe someone sweet and kind like Christina was just what we needed to counter her.