Ten Moves Ahead (Part 1)

In chess, the best players are those who can see how their moves will affect the state of the board several moves into the future.  In real life, people try to see into the future all the time, but there are only a select view who can actually see how a certain move or action in life will affect the state of the world hours, days, weeks, months, or sometimes even years from when the action is taken.  These gifted individuals are not just guessing what will happen, they can actually see into the future with great clarity the events that will follow from a certain action.  Some are so haunted by the things that they see, that they try to ignore this power altogether; some see is as a way to make the world a better place by warning people when their actions may have unintended consequences; most are trapped somewhere in the middle.  This is one of their stories.

I was in the bar talking to this cute girl when this guy walks by and I hear him say, "Don't bother."  I turn to ask him what he's talking about when I see he's already moved away and is sitting in a booth a few feet away, so I politely excuse myself and go over to ask him what the heck he thinks he's doing.

"I'm sitting," he answers.

"And why are you doing that?"  I'm a little annoyed at his response, seeing as I'm sure he knows what I was actually what talking about.

"Because I don't want to get a broken nose," he says.

"What the..."

"Listen," he says quickly looking slightly nervous and then relieve when I don't finish my sentence.  "I was just trying to help.  Please sit down."

I glance back at the girl, who's glancing over at me with a mixed look of confusion and frustration.  I signal the bartender to make her another drink in hopes that will keep her happy and turn to the man across from me.

"That will help you get what you think you want," he says, "but trust me, it's not worth it."

"Do you know that girl?" I ask, wondering suddenly if he knows something about her and really was just trying to warn me away.  But people don't go around doing that, do they?  And if they do, wouldn't they be more direct.

"Not really," he admits.  "All I know is that she was going to invite you back to her place tonight and things were going to get a little intense.  Best night she's ever had kind of intense.  Not the best night you've ever had, though.  She's going to want to be with you, like as a girlfriend.  You're going to feel a little unsure, but you're going to accept it and convince yourself you're happy.  Four months from now, you're going to be out shopping for ingredients for a romantic dinner and be wondering when or if you can break up with this girl.  In your distraction, you are going to literally bump into a woman with whom you will feel an instant connection.  I think maybe you knew her once but lost touch for a long time.  She has red hair and green eyes and dimples when she smiles.  She's almost as tall as you and it looks like she works out, though she's not disgustingly beefy or anything.  I think her name is Clara.  After you meet her..."

I don't want to hear anymore.  My head shot up as soon as I heard the name.  "Who told you about Clara?" I demand.

He shakes his head.  "No one told me," he says.  He reaches across the table like he wants to grab my arm or something, but then thinks better of it and pulls back.  "Broken nose," I hear him mutter, and then he looks up at me and says, "Listen, I was just trying to help, but I see now that I've only made it worse.  I can't always see all the alternate paths until I disrupt one.  I'm so sorry.  I guess you'll just have to figure it out on your own."

I stand and glare at him.  "What the hell are you talking about?" I'm talking loudly but not quite shouting.  I think the patrons closest probably turn and look at me, but I don't think the girl notices.

He sighs and shakes his head.  "Absolutely nothing," he says.  "But here," he pulls a card out of his coat pocket and gives it to me.  "About four months from now, feel free to give me a call.  I was only trying to help."  He smiles at me, a soft, sympathetic and perhaps condescending smile.  I consider ripping up the card right there and throwing it back at him, but instead I look down at it.  It's unadorned and the only writing on it is:  "Cornelius Wright, 212-345-8891".

I sneer.  "What kind of name is Cornelius?" I ask.

"The one my mother gave me," he replies, completely calm.  The nervousness I sensed in him before seems completely gone.  I just sneer and turn away.  I take a deep breath to compose myself, trying to remember where exactly I was with this girl before I was so rudely interrupted.  I walk over and notice that, fortunately, the bartender has given her another drink and she's already almost done with it.

"Who was that guy?" she wants to know.

I shrug.  "No one," I say.  "Just someone trying to interrupt our evening.  Now where were we?"

"About here," she says, as she puts her hands on my shoulders and leans in to kiss me on the check.  I see her blush a little as she pulls away.  "Sorry if that was too forward," she says.

I smile.  What a sweet girl.  I figure she must be a beast in bed.  I try to control my urges.  This girl is more than just a good time.  I can tell that, and I want that, too.  "Not at all," I say.

She smiles at me and it's over.

I end up at her place that night.  Anyone could have predicted that was going to happen.  We have the time of our lives.  I was completely right about this girl.  She's truly amazing.  And yet when we're done, I can't help but feel a bit distracted.  "That was the best I've ever had," she whispers, lying exhausted next to me.  "And I'm not just saying that."

I glance over at her and manage to smile.  It was amazing, but there's been something missing, something important, something that kept this from being my best as well.  The words of that strange man pop into my head and I close my eyes to shut them out.  That doesn't help because then instead I see Clara, smiling at me at first, and then frowning in shame at what I've just done.  Why did he have to mention Clara?  One of those guys must have put him up to this.  I hope they paid him well, because he probably doesn't even know how much he's messing with me head.  But then I realize that's all it is:  other people messing with my head.  This girl lying next to me is amazing, even better than Clara perhaps.  I shouldn't let stupid warnings from strangers stop me from pursuing an amazing relationship.

I open my eyes and smile more genuinely.  "Yeah, it was the best I've ever had, too," I lie.  And her face lights up like the sun and that's how it begins.

Mandy is great, she really is.  I couldn't be happy with her.  She's sweet and kind on the surface, and has a real drive and determination underneath.  The only problem is her commitment.  She has too much of it.  I know I thought this was the kind of thing I wanted, but Mandy is just so dedicated to me, it scares me.  I'm realizing now that this is a rebound relationship still, even though it's the third one I've been in since Clara and I broke up.  I thought I was over her by now, but she just keeps popping into my mind.  There have still been times that I've nearly called Mandy by her name, but I've caught myself in time.  And of course I haven't told Mandy about Clara.  If I was truly over Clara, maybe I could, but how can you tell the girl you're dating that you still have feelings for the girl you broke up with nearly two years ago?

So Mandy is great.  I want her to be happy, and I don't want to hurt her.  She deserves to be happy.  So is the right thing to do just to break up with her now before things get too heavy?  Or have they already gotten too heavy?  We haven't said, "I love you" yet, but I can feel it coming.  Mandy really wants to say it, she's just waiting for a sign from me that it's okay, perhaps something like saying "I love you" first.  And I want to be able to say it, but I can't.  I would feel like it was a lie.  And if I feel that way, should we even be together?  It's all just such a mess...

"Oh excuse me," I hear a voice say as I bump into something.  It's not angry or accusatory, but seems to genuinely be taking the blame.  I'm suddenly drawn back to the real world, to the grocery store where I'm shopping and the nearly empty basket I've been staring down into vacantly.

"Oh no, that was totally my fault," I say.  "I was..."  And then I look up and see her.  She gasps when she realizes it's me.  I've changed quite a bit in the past two years.  She hasn't changed a bit.  And why would she?  She was the one who was perfect before.

"Clara," I whisper.

"Dave," she says, softly, looking at me with her piercing green eyes.  "It's good to see you."

"No it's not," I blurt out before I can stop to think.

She frowns and keeps looking at me.  She won't look away.  Clara never looks away.  "No, it's not," she echos.

"I'm seeing someone now," I say.  I just continue to blurt things out, the worst possible things to say.  What is wrong with me?  It's her, I never could say the right things around her.  She always seemed to think it was fine, but I knew it never was.

She nods.  "That's good," she says.  "I hope she's good for you."

"And how about you?" I continue, unable to stop myself from this downward spiral I've started on.

She shakes her head.  "I dated someone for about a month shortly after we broke up," she admitted.  "But I realized it was just a rebound and I haven't dated anyone else since."  Then she actually smiles.  "I think I might finally be ready to try again, though," she says.

I feel my heart beating faster.  Try again?  She can't possibly mean us.  I just told her I was seeing someone. Clara is not the kind of girl who would want to break up a happy relationship.  But am I in a happy relationship?  I might know it's not the best, but Clara doesn't know that.  No, she's not trying to tell me that she wants to get back together.  She's trying to tell me that she's finally over me, in a way that I'm starting to realize I will never be over her.

I just nod.  "That's good," I say.  "I hope you find someone who appreciates you more than I did."

She frowns.  "Dave," she says, so softly, "I realize now that..."

I shake my head and look back down at my basket.  "No, Clara, just don't," I say.  "I know who I was and who I still am, and I'm sorry.  You deserve so much better."  And I walk on by, fighting the urge to look back.  I don't usually cry, but I feel tears forming in my eyes now.

Is this really who I am?  Am I just someone who loves someone and then hurts them and loses them forever?  I did it with Clara and now I'm going it again with Mandy.  Except I don't love Mandy.  I realize now that I don't love Mandy.  I have to break up with her.  It's the only right thing to do.  She's amazing, just like Clara, and she deserves someone so much better than me, just like Clara.

I walk out of the store in a daze, dropping my basket before the checkout line and returning to my car empty handed.  I take a few deep breaths to compose myself, wipe the couple of tears away so I can see properly, and drive away.  I hate what I have to do, but I have to do it.  It seems cruel now, but I know it's best in the long run.

Mandy is smiling when I walk in the door but her face drops when she sees me frowning and empty handed. "What's wrong?" she asks, a heart-ripping concern written all over her face.  "What happened?"

"We have to talk," I say.  The death sentence, every time, and I see from her reaction that she knows it's bad.

"Okay..." she says nervously.

I walk over to the couch and sit down, patting the seat next to me.  Many walks over and sits.  I can already see tears forming in her eyes.

"Listen," I say, "today at the store..."

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" she interrupts, tears starting to flow.

"Now don't jump to conclusions!" I exclaim, suddenly wanting to undo this all.  I can love her.  I can learn to love her.  She's an amazing girl.  Who wouldn't love her?

She shakes her head.  "No," she says, "I've had this conversation before.  I know what's about to happen.  Don't insult me by pretending that's not what it is."

"It doesn't have to be," I protest.

She shakes her head again.  "It's the circumstances," she says.  "I've known since the first couple of weeks that you're heart wasn't in this, not as much as mine was, but I thought I could bring you around, I really hoped...  Because you're amazing, Dave, and I just wanted to be a part of your life."

Now I feel my own heart breaking.  Maybe Mandy is the girl I'm supposed to be with.  Maybe I just need to get over Clara and move on.  Maybe Mandy can save me from this trap if I just let her.  Suddenly, there's nothing I want more that to stay with this girl.

"You can be," I say, reaching for her hand.  "I'm so, sorry Mandy, I want to be with you, I really do."

She shakes her head.  "No," she says. The tears are flowing freely now and she's getting choked up as she speaks.  "You want to be with someone else.  I've seen it in your eyes, but I've chosen to ignore it.  We're at the age now that we all have some baggage, but some of us can set it aside and others just keep carrying it around.  I thought I could ignore that, I wanted to ignore that, but I can't."

"Mandy, I'm so sorry."

She nods, tears dripping off her cheeks.  "I know," she says softly.  "I know."  There's a brief silence, well, silent other than her sobs that I want so desperately to stop, but can't.  Then she takes a deep breath and looks up at me.  "Let's make this a clean break," she says.  "You and I weren't meant to be.  We're not in love and we never can be.  We were just pretending.  I hope you find what you're looking for Dave, but you can't find it with me.  I hope I find what I'm looking for, but I can't find it with you.  Good bye, Dave."

This is the strongest girl I've ever met.  I came in intending to break up with her, and she put herself in control, she took charge and in the most unmalicious way possible, turned it around to her letting me go.  Why am I always finding these things too late?  But no, I already knew she was strong.  This doesn't actually change anything.  As much as I admire her and care about her, I still don't love her.  This has to stop.

"Good-bye, Mandy," I say.  I stand up, take out my keys, remove the spare to her apartment and hand it to her.  She does the same for me.  Then I walk away.  I don't look back.

It's not until I close the door that I allow myself to ball.  I lean back against her door and start to cry.  Then I take a deep breath and walk back to my car where I continue to cry.  I don't know whom I'm crying for, Mandy or Clara or myself.  Maybe all three.  And then I suddenly remember something.  I open up my glove box and rummage through it until I find a card with a simple name and number written on it.  I pull out my cell phone in a rage and dial.

"This is Cornelius," the voice on the other side says.

"You bastard!" I shout.  "Who do you think you are?  What gives you the right to play with my life like that?"

I hear a sigh and then, "Which one are you?"

"The bar, the girl, Clara.  You ruined it all!"

"Hold on," he says, remarkably calm.  "I know where you are.  I'm on my way."

I don't know why I stay and wait for him.  Maybe it's because I want to see if he really knows where the hell I am.  I figure he must have been stalking me or something, in which case I should get out of here now, and probably warn Mandy, too, but I can't call her up and claim to warn her about a madman coming to her apartment complex minutes after I broke up with her.  She'll just think I'm insane.

So I just sit there waiting, wondering if he'll actually show, and then I see a car pull up right next to mine and a vaguely familiar man steps out.  Once my mind works it through and remembers him from the bar, I'm filled with rage all over again.  I jump out of my car, throwing the door open so that it slams into his, denting it and chipping away at the paint.  He doesn't seem surprised.  "Better than a broken nose," he says.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" I shout, stepping towards him.

He frowns, but he doesn't seem intimidated.  I was really going for intimidating.  Strangely, when it doesn't work, I feel myself start to calm down.  "Just a man," he says.  "A misguided man.  I promise you, I was only trying to help."

I'm breathing heavily, but I manage to lower my voice to a normal speaking level.  "By reminding me about Clara?" I ask.  "By tainting my relationship with Mandy but making me think about Clara from the very start?"

He shakes his head.  "It was going to happen the same whether I talked to you or not," he says.  "I see that now.  But I was only trying to prevent it from happening like it did."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I demand, my voice starting to grow in volume again.

He sighs.  "I know already that you won't believe this yet," he says.  "But I can see the future."

"You can what now?!"

He nods.  "I talked to you that night because I noticed you talking to that girl, Mandy, I guess it was, and I saw how it was all going to play out.  I didn't know who you were or who she was.  In fact, I still don't know your name.  But for whatever reason, I saw what was going to happen.  I saw her crying, I saw you crying, and I saw another face in pain as well, Clara was the name I saw you use for her.  I was trying to prevent that.  Instead, I seem to have made things even worse."

I feel myself calming down a little.  It's actually almost funny now.  I'm talking to a complete nut case.  "You're a complete nutcase," I say.

He shakes his head again.  "I know you think that," he says.  "I don't know why I feel such a strong need to make you believe me, but I think I owe it to you.  If I had just left you alone, things would have been better."

"You're damn right they would have been!" I exclaim.  "I would still be dating Mandy and we would have been happy."

He shakes his head yet again.  "Not at this point you wouldn't have been," he says.  "Today's events would have played out either way, though without this bit we're playing out now."  I open my mouth to protest but he continues, "I know you don't believe me.  Maybe I should just leave it at that, but I feel like I owe it to you to show you I didn't change your relationship, and honestly, I want some comfort for myself, too."

"Comfort!?" I exclaim, "you don't deserve..."

He turns and looks away from me.  He seems to be searching for something.  He looks at a tree and smiles slightly.  "There," he says pointing to the tree.  "I know it's not much and it won't convince you quite yet, but it's a start.  There's a squirrel in that tree.  In a few moments, it's going to run down the trunk and then back up.  A few moments after that, a woman wearing a floral head scarf walking a white standard poodle is going to walk down the sidewalk.  A few feet before she reaches the tree, the squirrel is going to run down the tree again.  The dog will see it, pull on the leash, and start barking.  The squirrel will run back on up the tree, but the dog will leap forward, pulling the woman towards the tree.  Her head scarf will fall down around her neck.  She'll get her dog back under control and walk onwards without correcting the scarf."

I just stare at him in amazement.  "What the hell...?"

"Shh," he says and points to the tree.  "Just watch."

I roll my eyes in disbelief, but nonetheless, I turn and look at the tree.  This is so stupid.  What a simple story he's made up.  Anyone can just make up a story to distract someone.  I half expect him to make a break for it while I'm staring at this stupid tree.  And then I see the squirrel run down the tree and back up.  Big deal, squirrels do that all the time.  And then the woman comes walking down the street.  I quickly turn to look at Cornelius to see if he's done something to signal her.  I don't see anything in his hands and he doesn't seem startled to have me looking at him.  "Just watch," he says.  So I turn and watch the scene play out exactly as he described.  I'm sure at this point I'm suppose to be impressed, but I'm really not.  This is ridiculous.

"You signaled her somehow," I say.

He shrugs.  "Possible," he says.  "In fact, that seems a lot more likely that my claim that I can actually see the future."

"So why are you still talking to me?" I demand throwing my hands up in the air.

He shrugs.  "You called me up, remember?" he says.

I do remember.  Why did I do that?  And why am I still talking to this man?  And why am I not still sitting in my car, crying my eyes out about Mandy or Clara or both?  If nothing else, this crazy person is a distraction from the pain.  And he actually seems harmless, other than the whole ruining my love life thing, but at least my life life doesn't feel in danger.  I sigh.  I might as well examine this further.  I have nothing better to do.  "Okay," I say.  "What else do you have, fortune cookie?"