I close my eyes and I see them still, the faces of all the past friends and lovers I've hurt or scared away, but I open my eyes and see Chloe and it all seems to melt away. When I look at her I can actually smile, and I can forget. Not forget fully. The memory of the cruel things I've done to others can never be fully erased, and it shouldn't be. But with Chloe, I have a second chance. I truly have a second chance.
---
I love Andrew. I truly do, with all of my heart I love him. But sometimes I look at him and I wonder what he's hiding. It's been nearly three months since he broke down in front of me. I was afraid we were going to break up that night, but instead it seemed to be the beginning of our real relationship, or at least the beginning of what he seems to think is our real relationship.
I like the way things are. It's comforting and safe. I don't see any of the anger in him that he claimed to have once had. But what scares me is that he doesn't talk about it anymore. He was so afraid to bring it up. For two months he kept all of it from me. And then he gave me a taste, and then stopped.
I know what ever he's done, he isn't doing it now. And I know that he loves me. Sometimes I feel like he thinks his love for me is what is keeping him safe at work and in society. I know he's not the monster he claimed to be, but I still feel like there is something he is hiding from me.
I shouldn't need to know. I told him it doesn't matter and it doesn't. Even though I told him that, though, part of me thought he was going to bring it up again anyway. Part of me wanted to know the truth. I don't want the truth to be bad. But if it is bad, I want to know it. Or maybe I don't.
I see what he is now, the love he shows me, the kindness with which he treats others and I know he's not a monster. But I also still find it so hard to believe that he ever was cruel to anyone. Is he hiding behind some mask for me? And if he is, do I really want to take it off?
I can't ask him though. Not after saying it didn't matter. I just have to wait, patiently, to see if he wants to reveal more of his true self, if there is anything else to reveal.
---
I've noticed a change in Chloe. She seems a little less comfortable around me now. Could I be losing my rock? Is she slowly slipping away?
She's told me it's fine, that she loves me, and I see in her eyes that it's true, but I see something else in her eyes, too. A fear that never existed before. It's not as bad as the fear I've seen from the others, but it's fear nonetheless and it makes me want to cry seeing her look at me that way.
I've been so good, so pure with her around. I can't tell her the truth and lose her now. But I can't keep these secrets and lose her that way either. Which is worse, to tell her more of the monster I once was, or to keep her guessing? Maybe it's better to keep her guessing. She always tried to tell me it couldn't be as bad as I thought it was. Even now, her imagination of what I've done is probably far more mild than what I've actually done.
But what if it isn't imagination? What if she's found out about the true me? But that's impossible. That was another man, from ages ago, with a different face and a different name. There's no way she knows who I really am.
But shouldn't she know? Doesn't she have a right to know? This is the longest I've ever gone without a hint of the monster showing it's face. Even those who stayed with me longer than this had had a taste by now. I hope beyond hope that the beast is slipping away, but how can I ever know? How can I ever really know? I should tell her, I really should, but I can't, not now. I've told her enough. I've told her what I know I am. We've gone too far for me to ruin it now.
---
Andrew's gotten quiet again. I can tell he wants to talk to me, but he won't. I don't want to push him. I don't need to know. Not really. All that matters is who he is now. My only fear is that this past that haunts him so is coming back to take the man I love. Andrew is strong, and I pray he is strong enough to keep that from happening, and if he isn't, I've vowed to myself that I will be that strength for both of us.
---
It shouldn't have happened, not the way it did. I was thinking of her when it happened. I was at work, thinking of her, thinking of when I should tell her more and what I should tell her when he interrupted me. I'm not even sure what he said or what I said back, but then next thing I knew, the whole office was staring at me and the HR rep on their way to have a talk with me. Strike one.
I just stared at him in disbelief. "Why would you do this to me?" He tried to back away, but I stepped forward. "What did you think you were doing?" I forgot everyone was staring and just kept yelling until the HR rep arrived. Strike two.
The HR rep was a lovely person, I'm sure, but she walked in at the wrong time. I was still fully enraged. I just wasn't thinking straight, wasn't really even aware of what I was doing. I didn't mean to turn and slap her. Why would anyone mean to do that? But it happened and that was certainly enough. Strike three.
---
I was still at work when he called me. He was crying. I'd never heard him cry before, not like this. He said something like, "I thought I was better." And I definitely heard the word monster. I was in somewhat of a daze as I asked the other barista to cover me. I had to go home early, I said. It was a family emergency. I didn't want to say that I was going to pick my boyfriend up from jail.
---
For some reason I'll never understand, the HR rep decided not to press any charges, but there was no chance they were ever letting me back in that office. I had lost my job and I was so sure I was about to lose my girlfriend, but as we drove away from the police station, she glanced at me and she actually smiled.
---
The woman he had hit was at the police station when I got there. She seemed shocked more than anything. She was sitting alone, but one of the cops pointed her out to me. Before I paid the bail money, I went and talked to her. I wanted to make sure that she was okay, that she felt safe with me releasing the man I thought I loved back onto the streets, the man who had certainly been a monster to her.
She seemed to be in shock more than anything. "We'd never have any complaints about him before," she said, shaking her head. "It was like he just snapped. I had even seen him before, in the cafeteria or in meeting rooms. He usually ate alone, but he was always friendly to people. And he always seemed very respectful of everyone. I don't know what happened."
I nodded as if I actually understood what was happening. "I'm not sure he did either," I said, thought part of me knew that he understood all too well.
She sighed. "Well, we can't let him back to work," she said. "But I don't know that fining him or putting him in jail will do any good anyway." And then she turned to me with the last remnants of fear in her eyes and said, "You be careful."
I nodded. "I will," I said.
I knew I couldn't leave him; not now. It was really time for me to be strong enough for the both of us.
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