He smiled at me today. He's been coming into the coffee shop every morning for two weeks and this is the first time he seemed to notice me. I'm not sure he's noticed anything about me, but at least he noticed something. I've noticed his eyes the most, a piercing blue like tiny hot flames. I'd think he could gaze right through me. I know his name, too. I write it on his cup for him every day. "Andrew." I don't even have to ask for it any more. Maybe that's why he smiled. People like to be recognized, to feel known, even if they aren't.
What do I really know about Andrew? He always orders the same thing. Well, almost the same thing. The coffee's the same, but the muffin varies from day to day. I also know that he seems to be a business man of some sort. He's always wearing a suit and a tie. It looks like a pretty nice suit to me, not top of the line, but up there. Of course, I don't know much about suits. But anyway, even though he's a businessman and I've seen him take out a cell phone and look at it, he never places or receives any calls while he's in the coffee shop. Oh, and I know he's not married. That one is important. And he doesn't appear to be much older than me, so I imagine that he either has a pretty well off family or is doing pretty well himself, based on the way he looks, oh and the car he drives.
Now I know, this all seems very superficial. We haven't exchanged more than a few pleasantries aside from me taking his order. But there's something about him that intrigues him. I think I'd like to get to know him better, but it would be weird for me to ask him out, so I just have to keep exchanging the pleasantries, maybe step it up a little so he gets the idea, and wait for him to make his move.
---
I saw Chloe again this morning. It's already nice that it's Friday, but seeing her makes it even better. I know its ridiculous that I keep going back to this same coffee shop just to see her, but she's like a little ray of sunshine with her long blonde hair and green eyes. Today I think I made her blush. I don't really smile a lot, but I think I must have at her today from the way she looked back at me. I think she likes me, too. I really want to ask her out, but I'm afraid of what might happen, afraid she might find out what I really am. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems like I always do.
---
I was closing up the shop tonight when I saw Andrew for the first time outside my service role. He was walking down the opposite side of the street and as I turned away from the door I saw him stop and glance at me and then turn away and keep walking. I very nearly shouted out at him, but instead I just watched him go until he turned a corner a couple blocks down. He never looked back.
---
I saw a schedule behind the counter at the coffee shop the other day, saying who was closing each day. I had seen that the next day was Chloe so I decided I was going to go for a walk that evening and finally ask her out. I walked up and down the street opposite the coffee shop a few times waiting for her to come out, but when she finally did, she turned and looked right at me and I was overcome with such dread that I just couldn't do it. I talk a big talk at work and play the tough guy at work, but I can't even ask a pretty girl out. Really though, that's part of the reason why I can't ask a pretty girl out. She needs someone who can really be there for her. Not someone who's going to be asking for so much in return.
---
"Do you like me?"
I can't believe I actually walked up to him and asked him that today. He usually takes his coffee and muffin and goes, but today he sat down, right before my break time, and started reading a newspaper so I decided there was no better time than now. If he wasn't going to ask me out, maybe I should ask him out after all.
I think I saw him jump when I spoke those words, it seemed like he nearly spilled his coffee, but he recovered quickly as he set down the paper, pushed his coffee aside, and looked up at me with those deep, piercing eyes of his. And he smiled.
"Maybe I do," he said.
I fought to keep from smiling back. I probably looked ridiculous, but I powered on and asked him, "Then why haven't you asked me out?"
He actually laughed at that. He suddenly seemed more at ease than I had ever seen him and I realized he had just been waiting on me all along. "Why haven't you asked me out?" he asked, leaning back casually in his chair.
I decided I might as well smile at this point. "I think I am right now," I told him.
He rubbed his hand across his face, seeming to get a little nervous again, but then he looked back at me and said, "Dinner this Friday? 7pm?"
"I work until 8," I said.
"8pm then," he said. "I can meet you here and we can go somewhere nice."
"Not too nice if I'm going straight from work," I said.
"Well, we could always just get a cup of coffee," he said with a mischievious grin.
Suddenly I felt like I'd known Andrew for a very long time. I wanted to give him a playful punch, like you might to someone you're already dating and comfortable around, but I didn't. I just rolled my eyes at him and said, "Ha ha. If you want to give me time to go home and change I can meet you back here and we can get something a little stronger to drink."
"Stronger than coffee?" he asked in mock confusion.
"Is 9pm good?" I asked.
"You must not live far from here if all you need is an extra hour," he said.
I couldn't help myself as I leaned in closer and whispered, "Maybe if you're lucky you'll find out."
---
Chloe couldn't be a better girl for me. I was so worried that the pretty face meant a delicate soul. Too delicate for someone like me. But I found out today that she's bolder than I realized. While I was stewing about whether I could really ask her out, whether there was really a chance she could become part of my life, she made a move on me. I don't know what this is that I'm feeling. This isn't the first girl I've gone out with, but she's the first who's made me feel this way in a long time. When I first felt this way, I was so young I thought it was love. I forgot what it felt like. It can't be love, I hardly know her, but if it's not love, then what is it?
---
I've found I don't have to drink much to let guys think they're in control. One or two drinks and I can act drunk enough that I can see who they really are while still recognizing what's really happening. Andrew was strange when I started acting a little more giddy. He didn't seem as comfortable as he was before, like he was afraid something might happen, something I thought we both wanted to happen. Of course, I didn't want him to come on too strong, that's part of what I'm looking for with my little game. But I wanted him to at least show some interest, not completely retreat like he seemed to be doing. I finally had to break out of it and ask him what was wrong.
---
How could I tell her what was wrong? Here was this amazing girl sitting across from me, obviously acting drunker than she really was, giving me all the right signals, and I couldn't do anything. What was wrong was me. I was starting to think this was a big mistake. She couldn't be a part of who I was. She was far too good for me. So I just told her I was worn out and that we'd have to do this another time.
---
Well, he had seemed a little tired in the shop time morning, but on Wednesday when I had asked him out, he had seemed fine. Could his week really have gone downhill just like that? He was often quiet in the coffee shop, but this was different. And he had seemed excited for our date yesterday. I wasn't quite sure what was happening, but I was pretty sure there was something he wasn't telling me. I wanted to ask what was really wrong, but I didn't want to pressure him, but I didn't want to lose him before I'd even had a chance to see who he really was either.
"Tomorrow." I said.
He just stared at me. This wasn't the man I knew, little as I knew him, I knew he wasn't this.
"We'll do this again tomorrow," I said. "Get a good night's sleep and don't worry about whatever it is that's bothering you. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
---
I almost told her right there. She deserved to know, but I knew she wasn't ready yet. Instead I must smiled and touched her hand, gently, just enough to hopefully show her I did care. "Thank you," I said. "I promise you, someday you'll understand." And then I frowned again as I realized as I said those words that I really didn't want her to.
---
Date part two certainly went better than date part one. Andrew was like a totally different person. Well, he was more like the person I thought he was. We talked and smiled and flirted. He told me that he is in fact a business man of sorts. He works in marketing at a pet supply company. I asked him if he owned a pet and he said no, but seemed a little uncomfortable about it. Seemed like a strange thing to be uncomfortable about, especially if you worked with pet supplies, but I let it slide. Besides, I had a much better time hearing him tell me about the trip he took to Europe two years ago with one of his old buddies. At the end though, when I asked him if he still kept in touch with the friend, he seemed uncomfortable again. He seemed like a really nice guy, but I did think it was strange that he got uncomfortable when I asked questions that naturally flowed from the stories he told. I wasn't sure I was quite comfortable enough to invite him over yet, but I certainly wanted to see him again. There was a strange air of mystery about him, and I wanted to figure it out.
---
It had been too long since I'd gone on a proper date. I'd forgotten how much of my life was corrupted by things I didn't want to share on a first date, or even a second date, whichever this was. I wanted to tell her so much, but in the end I felt like I was saying so little. I could tell she wanted more, and it seemed like she didn't quite trust me. I wondered again if I should just call it off, but this was an amazing girl. If anyone would be able to not only help me but also make me truly happy, it was her. And I really truly hope that I could make her happy, too. I would just have to plan better next time. Figure out a little more what I could really say, and work my way up to the other stuff, as long as I could get her to stick around long enough to get to the other stuff.
---
He finally kissed me this time. It was our third date and he finally actually kissed me. It was a wonderful kiss, just perfect as far as first kisses go. It was outside my apartment building, after I finally decided he could walk me home. I just wanted to take in the moment, and I sighed as I opened my eyes to see him looking like he was about to cry. I started to frown, but then he smiled at me and said, "I'm sorry, I really am. You just make me so happy." I smiled back, kissed him on the check and said, "Good night." I suppose maybe I should have invited him in, but it didn't seem quite right somehow. He didn't protest or say anything. He just let me go and when I got up to my apartment and looked out the window for him, he was gone.
---
I felt bad lying to her. I really did. But how could I tell her that I was crying because I was afraid I was going to hurt her? And it wasn't really a lie, she did make me happy, it was just that thinking about how happy she made me made me sad instead. Can I never really be happy? Can I never really just be with someone without thinking about the past and how I'm going to ruin everything? Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time she'll be strong enough to say. How I hope she will.
---
I really can't figure him out. He's so witty and kind the one moment and then quite and almost frightening the next. Not frightening like I feel in danger or anything, just frightening like I don't know what he's thinking. I really want to know what he's thinking. I've invited him into my apartment a couple times now, but nothing's happened. I think he wants it to happen but it's like he's afraid. I know he's been with women before. The way he flirts with me, I'm sure he must have, and he's even let mention of a past girlfriend slip. So if he's been with other girls, what is it about me that makes him hesitate? What is he so afraid of? And is it a good thing or a bad thing? I really want to know, and I'm so close to asking him, but part of me is sure he'll just back away. So I just keep giving it time, letting myself appreciate all the wonderful things I've come to know about him, and doing my best to convince myself that whatever he's hiding can't be that bad. I'm just not sure how much longer I can wait.
---
I really want to tell her. It's been almost two months now and we haven't slept together even though I can tell she wants to and God knows I want to. I just don't feel right doing it like this. I've done it before I showed them every time before and they always left me. With Chloe, she deserves to know first, and she deserves to know soon, I just have to find the right way to tell her.
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