NaNoWriMo -- Day 16

Dude, tonight is the night, the night of the college beauty pageant.  I shouldn't be so nervous, but I really am.  I don't know what Lizzy will think of me showing up there.  She might hate me; she might love me.  We haven't spoken since we broke up nearly a year ago.  Maybe it's a mistake to just spring myself on her so suddenly like this.  It might go really, really poorly.  But I've gotta try.  And Lizzy likes drama and she loves beauty pageants, so I can't think of a better way to do it.  I'm just going to try to stay in the back, as much out of sight as possible, wearing Brady's sunglasses and a hoodie, so she doesn't notice me.  I don't want to distract her from the competition.  The only thing worse than her rejecting me would be if I cause her to lose focus and she rejects me.  But dude, after she wins and they had her that prize money and put the crown on her head or whatever they do at a college beauty pageant, I'm going to rush the stage with a bouquet of a dozen red roses and show her just how much she means to me, and that I want her back.  And all I can do at that point is hope that she'll have me.

-----

I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about this pageant tonight.  Getting ready backstage with Bridget, I can feel my heart pounding.  Damn, you Bridget, you actually got it into my head that I might win this thing.  I never even expect to win my track meet races, but you tell me I'm beautiful and smart and that those are the things this contest is about and now I actually think I could win.  Despite what I said before, about not wanting to win, now, I actually kind-of do want to win.  Not for the money or attention, but in honor of my mother.  She was a strong, gorgeous woman.  I don't know if she would have viewed pageants like this as empowering or as demeaning, but since I was roped into doing this by Bridget anyway, I'm choosing to believe she would view it as empowering.  I do like that the judges are a mix of men and women, students and faculty.  I think that makes it fair.  And really, this is all just for fun anyway.  Still, it would feel nice to win.  Darn you, Bridget, it would feel nice to win.

-----

I am so excited for my girl Chris!  She looks great tonight!  Seems a little nervous, but hopeful, too.  I just hope I haven't gotten her hopes up too high.  There's this one girl here, looks super familiar, and she just has this confidence about her, like she's done this before.  This is supposed to be just a fun college thing.  I really want to tell this other chick to chill out, but I don't want to give her attention.  Bitches like that, they just want attention.  I should know because sometimes I'm like that myself.

But Chris is going to do great!  Even if she does come in second place to this girl, I think she'll still feel good about it.  She says she doesn't care about winning, but I know my Chris.  She's nice about it, but everyone likes to win, even her.  Oh, I know I won't win.  I'm no real threat to anyone.  I'm just here to be a good friend, and to have a little fun.  I do like guys looking at me, you know?  Chris won't be thinking about that, but for me personally, that's the most fun.  Part of me wonders if Zach will be out there to see me, but I'm pretty sure he won't.  He's too chill for something like a beauty pageant.  All this pressure and stress, he wouldn't like it.  He just likes pressure and stress when it comes to his school work.

Really, maybe I should have thought about the pressure and stress before I convinced Chris to do this.  I wasn't trying to get her more worked up.  I was trying to get her to have some fun and realize how awesome she is.  But I know she'll be great.  And even if it doesn't go how I want it to, she'll be strong enough to come threw.  I know she will.  My Chris is a fighter, even if she doesn't realize it yet.

-----

This competition is laughable.  I've got this win in the bag.  Well, okay, all but this one girl.  I have no idea what her stage presence might be like, but she's gorgeous, way prettier than I am.  If anyone could defeat me, it would be her, but I don't think it's going to happen.  She seems like a total amateur.  I'd like to go talk to her, psych her out a little, just to be on the safe side, but she's got this bratty looking friend hanging around her.  The friend's already given me the evil eye once or twice, so maybe it's best just to stay away.  I don't want to get into some stupid cat fight right now.  At best, it would mess up my hair and at worst, well, I don't want to jeopardize this competition just because one random girl might be a tiny bit of a threat to my victory.  But still, I won't settle for second best.  I'm going home with the title and the money.  I've won much bigger contests than this.  I'm not going to let some little princess and her overprotective girlfriend stand in my way.

-----

Man, I cannot believe Zach convinced me to come along to this thing with him.  Beauty pageants just seem so... I don't know, old-fashioned, maybe?  Like a thing of the past?  That was another reason Lizzy and I wouldn't have worked out, had I pursued her instead of Zach.  I didn't realize how much she was into these things until Zach told me.  I guess they might be fun, but I feel guilty even saying that.  Don't they objectify women?  I guess if the women choose to compete in them, maybe they're okay, but somehow I still just feel dirty about the whole thing.

But Zach assures me it's all just for fun and that this isn't a serious one, so then I went with, "Well I thought you wanted to surprise Lizzy at the end of the contest.  Isn't she twice as likely to notice you're there ahead of time if I'm there, too?"

To which he responded, "No, dude, she'll be too focused on the contest to notice us at all.  But just in case she is looking for us or something, we'll wear disguises!"

So here I am, wearing a hat and sunglasses and not having shaved for the past three days as part of my "disguise" to help my best friend win back the girl that I personally am still not sure is right for him, but who I support him pursuing because he's convinced she's right.  I just hope there aren't any super hot girls I might be interested in dating who might notice me like this and never want to talk to me again.  Ha!  At a beauty pageant?  What are the odds of that happening?  Well then, what are the odds that one of them would be interested in me even if I wasn't in "disguise".  Oh well.

----

As the contest is about to begin, I feel my nerves building, like butterflies in my stomach.  As clique as that is, that's what it felt like.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and told myself I didn't care.  I opened my eyes again and glanced behind me at Bridget, a few spots behind me in the line to march onto the stage.  She smiled and gave me two thumbs up.  I managed a weak smile back and turned to face forward.  I took another deep breath.  I heard clapping for the girl in front of me and then the stage manager gave me a nod.  It was my turn to go on and make a fool of myself.

-----

Love at first sight is a sad and sappy clique.  The worst thing about it is that it relegates love to being only about physical attraction.  Even though I'd never before experienced that kind of love, I know that it's so much more than that.  And yet, I couldn't help but find myself wondering if love at first sight could be real as she first stepped onto the stage.

She was stunning in her full length gown, sparkling like silver.  Her blonde hair fell in waves down past her shoulders.  The lipstick was the perfect shade and when she smiled, her smile was just perfect.  She looked a little nervous and unsure, but that made me all the more intrigued by her.  Here was a beautiful girl competing in a beauty pageant, so stunning I was certain she was going to win, and yet she still looked nervous and unsure.  I immediately wanted to know why, and I wanted to be able to fling those nerves away from her so that she could shine with her full brightness.

Gone were all thoughts of Zach and Lizzy.  I forgot Zach was even sitting there next to me.  I instinctively rubbed my stubble, wishing I hadn't been convinced to stop shaving for the past three days.  Who had convinced me to do that, anyway?  I couldn't remember.  All I saw was this girl, stunning and radiant, and I knew she was going to win.

-----

Shit.  Bridget is in this thing.  What am I supposed to do now?  I try nudging Brady, but he's still staring at some other random girl that came on stage a couple minutes ago.  What is wrong with him?  I need to get out of here.  Or do I?  Bridget doesn't know about Lizzy specifically, but she knows I dated someone else before.  Maybe this doesn't have to be a thing.  Maybe Bridget will get eliminated early and just go home.  Maybe...  I just wanted to show Lizzy I still cared.  I didn't want a stand-off between the ex I want to get back together with and my more recent ex.  Shit, dude.

-----

I am definitely going to win this thing.  Pretty girl doesn't have the confidence it takes.  I'm all over it.

-----

Is that Zach and Brady in the audience, trying to look incognito or something?  Zach isn't even looking at me, and Brady... is he looking at Chris?  Oh man, Chris and Brady... he's not such a bad guy... they're both so sweet and down to earth and neither of them likes to party.  That might actually work...

-----

As the pageant progressed, my physical attraction to this girl developed into something a little more respectable.  She answered questions with honesty and insight, and when she sang for the talent portion, her voice was like that of an angel.  I told myself it was more than just the physical I was feeling, that might have been the first impulse, but there was something more here.  I had to get to know this girl.  How had I never noticed her before?  This college wasn't that big, but I supposed it was big enough.

-----

Thank the stars Bridget got eliminated.  I knew she would.  She's too snooty, though her looks aren't half bad.  Stop it, Zach.  Stay focused.  I just hope Bridget leaves.  The contest is almost over.  Does she care about who wins?  I hope not.  Please, Bridget, just go back to your sorority house and start getting drunk.  I don't want this to be any harder than it already is.

-----

Well, Chris is obviously going to win this thing and Zach isn't the least bit interested in seeing me here, but Brady sure can't take his eyes off Chris.  I think Zach might be here for another girl, maybe that one who's going home with second place?  My momma didn't raise no fool.  I see what's going on here.  Zach would probably prefer I not stick around, but I can't do that to Chris.  I want to be here to see her take that crown.  Zach will figure out soon enough that I don't care about him, not romantically anyway.  He'll get his girl, maybe Brady will end up with Chris, but most importantly, Chris is definitely going to win this thing.  And with that, everyone wins.

-----

Here we go, down to the final three.  I have to hold the hands of the other two, act like I'm all excited for all of us and we're all winners.  Bah.  That pretty girl is going down.  She might have been sweet and smart and beautiful, but she didn't have the confidence.  It's all about confidence.  I've been on the circuit long enough to know that.  She's so green.  And this other one we're up against?  What a joke.  She's finishing in third for sure.  Here we go... they're going to announce the first runner up.  I'm about to learn pretty girl's real name.

-----

Frick.  Lizzy didn't win.  This other girl, the one Brady's been staring at all night.  Her name is Christina apparently.  How could they choose her over Lizzy?  Are the judges blind?  What is wrong with this contest?

-----

When they announce her as the winner, I'm on my feet cheering wildly.  Part of me is still trying to remind the rest of me that I'm supposed to be here for Zach, to help him win back Lizzy, the girl who was supposed to win this contest, but my heart is pulling me away, away from my best friend and towards this girl, this girl I've never even met, and then, I hear Zach sigh and say remorsefully, "Forget it, dude, just go."

I look down at him in surprise.  He's rubbing his forehead, looking completely dejected and my heart sinks as I sink back into my seat.  "Just go where?" I ask.

He looks up at me.  "After that girl.  The one you've been staring at all night.  One of us should get something out of this."  He pulls out the flowers from under his chair where they've been hiding and tries to hand them to me.  Even the roses look sad.

"Dude, it's not too late," I insist.  "Just because she didn't win the contest doesn't mean you can't win her back."

He just shakes his head.  "You don't understand, dude," he says.  "Winning this crap is everything to Lizzy.  Losing like this?  She won't want to listen to a former lover who wants to get back with her.  She'll just want to be alone."

"Are you...."

"I'll be okay," he interrupts.  Then he forces a smile.  "Just go.  You might not get another chance."

I feel bad, but I don't want Zach to think he made me miss my chance, so I stand up and go.  He's still trying to hand me the roses, but I shake my head and say, "You might still need those," as I head up to the stage.

-----

I'm up on the stage, hugging Chris, congratulating her, reassuring her that this is real and that she really won, while also trying to keep her away from that scary looking second place finisher, when I see Brady coming this way.  I can't help but smile a little.  As he's walking forward, he looks up at the stage, sees me hugging Chris and stops.  I just laugh a little and roll my eyes.  He's still afraid of me, but he has nothing to fear.  I know he's actually a good guy, him and Zach both, just not my kind of guys, but for Chris...  "Come on," I whisper in her ear, wondering why I never thought to introduce her to Brady while Zach and I were dating, "There's someone in the audience I think you should meet."

-----

When I see Bridget on the stage, hugging Christina, I freeze.  Are they friends?  Is this Christina, is this the friend Bridget said she needed to help?  Is this, is this really happening?  I'm about to just turn and walk away when I notice Bridget looking at me and smiling.  Is that a mean smile or a happy smile?  It's hard to say, but then she's leading Christina down off the stage, and are they coming towards me?  Is this really happening?

-----

I watch as that cheating little bitch and her nasty little friend leave the stage.  At least they have the decency to not lord the victory over me.  But then I notice they're going out into the audience and walking right towards... is that Brady?  What the?  If Brady is here... he would never come here unless Zach was with him.  Pretty girl, Christina, she's gone right up to Brady.  They're talking.  I think they like each other.  That little...  Where is Zach?  I know now exactly what I have to do.

-----

I don't know where Bridget is taking me or who this random person is she wants to meet.  I'm just beaming with joy that I won, I really won.  It shouldn't mean so much to me, it really shouldn't, but it feels good, and I tell myself that my mother would be so proud.  And my father, too, I can't wait to call him and tell him!  That's what I'm thinking, until Bridget walks me up to this scraggly looking guy standing in the middle of the isle and says, "Christina, this is Brady.  Brady, Christina."

I look at this random guy, stubble all over his face, some weird stocking cap on his head.  He must notice I'm looking at that because he immediately takes it off and holds it in his hands in front of him, turning it around nervously.  "Hi," he says.

He doesn't seem like anything all that special, and he seems really nervous, but Bridget is nudging me, he's looking at me, and then I look into his eyes.  They sparkle like I've never seen before.  I manage a weak and nervous smile myself.  "Hi," I say back.

-----

I'm watching the exchange in the isle.  It seems like they're really hitting it off.  I sigh as I stand up to go.  At least one of us got a girl tonight, though it was completely reversed from what either of us thought.  Dude, I just want to go home.  Lizzy was supposed to win.  Lizzy should have won.  I hold my roses down by my side, probably dripping water all over the floor, as I shuffle out of the isle.  I'm not really looking where I'm going, and I run right into... "Lizzy!" I look up in surprise.  "I um..."

She smiles at me and looks down at the roses.  "Are those for me by any chance?" she asks.

"Yeah," I manage, "They were supposed to be to congratulate you.  I mean, they still are, but, but you should have won, those judges they were..."

She keeps smiling.  "They were wrong," she says.  "I know.  You're very sweet to say that."  She takes the roses from me and smells them with her eyes closed.  She opens her eyes again and looks at me.  "They're beautiful," she says.

"Not half as beautiful as you," I quickly reply, not able to think of anything less cheesy.

She rewards me with a light little laugh, and then reaches for my hand.  "Come on," she says.  "Let's go somewhere private to talk.  I've missed you."

-----

I'm the king of cliques lately, so I might as well go ahead and say it:  love certainly can come when you least expect it.  Okay, so maybe "love" is a bit premature, but I certainly like Christina a whole lot.  I have to admit, I don't really know when the right time to use to word "love" is.  Coming from a family where my mom handing out "I love yous" like they were going out of style and my father never once uttered the phrase, I figure the appropriate level of usage is somewhere in between, but I don't really know what it is.  My understanding is that girls are usually more anxious to say it than guys, so maybe I'll just wait for Christina to say it first.  And if she never says it, well, I guess we'll just go on feeling it and never needing to put it into words.  There's something peacefully poetic about that, like how you can watch a sunset and you don't have to say it's beautiful because it's just obvious.  Maybe that's the way it is with us.

-----

I never would have dreamed, not in a million years, that my night out at the beauty pageant would have landed me a boyfriend.  It's so strange that he's the roommate of Bridget's ex, but Bridget doesn't seem to mind in the slightest, even though her ex is apparently back to dating the girl he was dating before Bridget, who also happened to have been the runner up at the pageant where Brady and I met.  Sounds like a giant mess to me, but Brady and I do our best to stay out of it.

I've never had a real boyfriend before, dates to dances and stuff like that, but Brady's all I could ask for in a first love.  I don't know if it will be forever, we're really too young to know what we really want, but it sure feels good for now.  He adores me, almost to the point of worshiping me, which is flattering, but sometimes I need to tell him to calm down.  I'm just a girl, after all, but he just keeps telling me how great I am.  Things like that can go to a girl's head if she's not careful.

My dad warned me to be careful when I called him up and told him the news.  I had been planning to tell him all about winning the pageant, but having a new boyfriend seemed more exciting, so that was what I mentioned first.  He was happy for me, or at least he seemed to be, but he did tell me that he hoped I wouldn't let it advance too quickly.  I told him not to worry and that I would be careful.  "I know you will, sweetie," he said.  Dad's always worrying about me.  It will be nice to go back home and see him this summer.  It will also be nice to go meet Brady's parents back on the farm where he grew up.  Even though we've only been dating about six weeks now, he asked me if I might like to come visit sometime during the summer, and I gave him a tentative "yes".  I haven't run it by my dad yet, but I think I can get him to be okay with it.  I sure hope I can anyway.

-----

My little girl's growing up.  Seems like just yesterday I was crying as I held her in my trembling arms.  Now she's got an official boyfriend and who knows, maybe someday the two of them will have kids of their own.  Though if she never wants to put herself through that risk, I completely understand.  I'd even find it a relief.  I'd rather keep her alive than have grandchildren.  They just grow up so fast.  I need to dig out the old photo albums.  I want to remember what she was like before.

-----

It took me days to get the exciting news from my Brady, but when I found him talking on his cell phone way more than he ever had in high school, I figured it out.  He has a new girlfriend!  I couldn't be happier for him.  He's such a good, loyal boy, and he's sure to make this girl very happy.  He confessed to me that she's even planning to come visit later in the summer.  I think he's worried about how his father will react, but I'll make sure things are smoothed over there.  Brady's dad is certainly not overprotective of his son, so I don't think there will be any problems.  I on the other hand... I know I pamper him a bit.  I'm so excited for him, but I do really hope this girl is good enough for him.  If she's as great as he seems to think she is, I'm sure it will all be just wonderful!

NaNoWriMo -- Day 15

Our parents seemed a little annoyed by the whole experience at first, but eventually they lightened up.  My bridesmaids sure had a blast!  We danced and sang until our lungs were sore!  Some of my friends actually kept trying to get me to sit down and rest, to save some energy for that night, but I didn't listen.  That evening was a celebration with everyone involved.  I had the rest of my life to be happy with David.  I wanted my wedding day to be about sharing our joy with our friends and family, and showing them what love and happiness can be like.  My parents were always too uptight about things; David's were too.  They thought we got married too fast, that we were too young and that we didn't know each other well enough yet.  I think I was closer to David than my parents could ever hope to be to one another.  When you share your writing with someone, not your final copy, but your drafts, your ideas, words that may be beautiful or horrible, you don't really know, when you share that with another person, you're sharing a part of your soul.  And that's what I shared with David.  I showed him things I had written that I never showed anyone else, not even my editor.  And even things that did see the light of day, David was often the first to look them over.  I loved that I could share my secrets and intimacies with him in that way.  And I'd like to think he did some of the same for me with his photographs.  I got to see every shot he took, good or bad, before it was touched up or remastered.  And that first photo he ever took of me, I wouldn't let him do anything to it at all.  I wanted it to stay just as it was, the raw shot showing me as I really was and capturing what David really saw as a photographer and what he saw in me.

Well that was quite the outpouring, and what a long paragraph.  My editor would be ashamed.  I'm certainly glad this will never land on his desk.  I don't think I'll ever write the story of the love between me and David down for monetary gain.  It's too beautiful and pure for that.  And besides, it's also too perfect.  Though my life before David was sad and could make for a tale of moderate woe, my life since David has been all I had ever dreamed of.  As much as a happy ending might make people smile, it isn't as powerful as a story of struggle and sadness.  I just don't have that with me and David.  In fact, I've probably bored you already with as much as I've shared, or else made you want to vomit at the thought of our sickening sweetness.  It is sickening from the outside, I'm sure, for someone looking in at what we have, not understanding just how much we love each other.  But when you're on the inside of a relationship like that, there's nothing sweeter, nothing more beautiful in all the world.  And I'd never sell that out for any price.

-----

Bridget is really going all out on this pageant stuff.  This is the third time this week she's insisted we go shopping to find me the perfect outfit.  The clothes I tried on the last two times just didn't pack enough punch or something.  I tried to tell her it wasn't good for my foot to be walking around so much, but she dismissed that with a flick of her wrist as the lame excuse that it was.  It really was just a lame excuse.  At this point, I can hobble along on my foot fine, just can't run anywhere.

I guess it is kind-of fun, going out shopping with Bridget.  We used to do it in high school, a little, but never like this.  Bridget keeps insisting that my outfit be perfect.  She's bought about $300 worth of new clothes for herself so far (there go the winnings from the pageant, if she was actually going to win), but hasn't allowed me to purchase a thing.  At least I get to try on lots of different clothes this way.  It's a little challenging with the boot on my leg, but we make it work, and I do have to admit, I take some selfish pride in looking in the mirror at myself in a gorgeous gown, hearing Bridget say how stunning I am.  But then I snap out of it when she says, "But it's just not perfect" and then we move on to the next rack, looking for the dress that is perfect.  I'm not entirely clear on Bridget's criteria.  I've seen at least five dresses I'd love to own, and one that I'm considering sneaking off and actually buying when Bridget isn't looking, but I do know she's a lot more of a fashionista than I am, so I'll just have to trust her judgment if I want to win this thing.

The thing is, I don't really.  I don't really want to win, that is.  I suppose it would be nice, but unlike Bridget, I have no illusions of a Christina victory arising from this pageant.  It just seems like an opportunity to spend some time with my long absent friend and try to take my mind off the premature ending of my first ever collegiate track season.  It is helping somewhat, though I have to admit that when I do have to take off this boot while trying on clothes, I can't help but think about how annoying it is and how I wish this hadn't happened to me, but ultimately, there are much worse things that could have happened.  I could have been hurt much worse.  I could have been killed in a car crash before even getting to the meet.  Worse yet, my father could have been killed in a car crash on his way to the meet.  But that's all much too morbid, and it gives me chills even thinking it.  I'm grateful none of those much worse things happened, but it's still hard not to wish that bad things, or even simply unpleasant things, wouldn't happen at all.

I have to go now though, Bridget's found another gown for me to try on and this one... it looks stunning to me.  I actually can't wait to try it on.  I hope Bridget approves because I'd really, really like to take this one home with me.

-----

Only three more days until the beauty pageant!  I'm, like, so excited!  My girl Chris is totally going to win!  The dress we found for her is absolutely gorgeous.  It's a bit pricey, but I was happy to chip in.  Chris tried to refuse my offer, but I've got the cash and she doesn't.  I suppose she could get some if she really needed to.  Her dad isn't exactly loaded, but he could afford to spoil his daughter every once in a while.  Of course, Chris would never ask him to do that.  She's too sweet to ask daddy for a handout.  Luckily for her, I'm too sweet not to take advantage and ask my daddy for a handout!  And he's too sweet to say no!

Anyway, I'm getting way off topic!  Usually I'm not this giddy, you know, but I can't help it!  It's nice to have girl time again after all that time wasted on Zach.  I guess it wasn't a total waste; we had fun for a while, but it just got old.  Hanging out with Chris is way more fun!  Hair, make-up, clothes.  I missed messing around with all that stuff with her!  Girl time is totally the best!

I just know Chris is going to win the pageant tomorrow.  She is objectively the most beautiful girl at this crappy little college.  There's no way anyone's going to beat her.  I have to admit, I was a little worried about the talent portion, but that was until I discovered Christina has a gorgeous voice.  Her piano skills are still developing, but by playing and singing at the same time, I think she'll make up for it.  And I'm sure the Q&A will make up for it, too.  Most of these contestants will just be dumb pretty girls, not far off from myself, I'm not ashamed to admit.  But Chris has the brains and the beauty, and in much higher proportions than any one else who's going to be competing.

Chris is humble and kinda shy.  She knows she's beautiful, but she thinks of it as a reflection of her mother rather than her own beauty.  But it's hers, and she should own it for her.  I think his pageant will show her that other people notice her for her.  And if I can help her win, which I know I can with such great material to work with, that makes me a good friend, right?  After the last several months, I really need to feel like a good friend.

-----

Strange things happen sometimes, and you end up finding love when you aren't looking for it.  I grew up on a farm, never dreamed of leaving the country, and that's why it was so incredible to meet and fall in love with a man who had the same passion I did.  He isn't sentimental like I am, and he doesn't like to sit out on the porch, watching the sun set and sipping lemonade.  But he values the hard work, doing something good with his hands.  He enjoys the feel of the dirt and digging crops out of the ground or plucking them off a plant that grew out of the ground.

I know his past isn't that glorious, and that he was kind-of a jerk to his first wife, but I believe him when he says their relationship wasn't healthy to begin with.  Even our relationship isn't perfect, but we understand each other, and I know that he loves me, even if he never says it.  This kind of marriage isn't for every one, but for us, it just works.  I'm the sappy one and he's the down to earth one and the country, this beautiful land that offers opportunity both for sentiment and for getting your hands dirty, that's what brings us together.

Part of me always thought our children would stay here forever on the farm with us, or maybe move off to acreages of their own, but I knew deep inside that at least some of them would move away.  I've never wanted to go anywhere else, but their father came from the city to the farm, so why shouldn't they have some desire to do the opposite, to see what else is out there?  I can respect that.  I'm even glad for them.

It's hard to have another one start talking about going off on her own, so soon after Brady took off.  Has it really been two years already since he left?  I guess it nearly has.  He did call me the other day to say he was coming home for the summer this year.  He sounded really excited, more excited than I've ever heard him before, but he wouldn't tell me what was going on.  He said it would have to wait until he comes home.  I wonder if he met a girl.  That would make me so happy if my son has found love.  It might not be like the love I found, few loves are and few people understand the kind of love my husband and I have, but love comes in many forms, and all that ultimately matters to me is that my little boy is safe and happy.

NaNoWriMo -- Day 14

After those awful failed relationships with guys that, based on appearance and status, should have been "great", I was seriously considering just giving it all up and dating a hobo.  But instead, I decided to just give up on guys in general for a while and finish my schooling.  I was getting a dual degree in creative writing and in journalism.  The creative writing was what I really wanted to do.  The journalism was a back-up in case I bombed at my true passion.  Fortunately, some of my work was starting to get noticed by some lesser known literature aficionados (like my professors) before I even graduated, so it seemed like I was off to a good start.  And who needed men, anyway?  They were only half of the human equation and not even the most important half.  I was sure I could make it on my own.

I'm still sure I could have made it on my own, but when you find someone you really love, who inspires you to greater things, who makes you feel even more confident in yourself, and who you feel like you're making better, too, why would you ever want to try to make it on your own ever again?

David was everything I could ever want in a partner.  I didn't delude myself with thinking he was perfect, but after the macho pretty boys I had been dating in the past, David was a real breath of fresh air.  Now, I don't want you thinking David wasn't attractive.  He definitely was.  But not in the buff macho way, more in the subtle artistic way.  And he had an artistic personality, too.  He was a photographer, and a really good one at that.  His photography was actually how we met.

It's kind-of a strange and sappy story.  I'm not sure how much you really care about hearing it.  I suppose as a writer, it should be my calling to make it into something beautiful and elegant that you'll want to read over and over again, but I'd rather just portray it as what it was:  a chance meeting that sparked a connection that would change both of our lives forever.  And not only that, but a wonderful photo came out of it, a photo that David and I both cherish to this day.  If you want to hear the full story, you can ask him.  He loves to tell it, and I don't want to take that honor away from him.

The most important part of a relationship isn't how it begins, though, it's how it progresses and ultimately how it ends.  There's only one way I can imagine my relationship with David ending, and I have to say, a selfish part of me hopes I'm the one who goes first, because I'd really rather not have to live on without him.  Maybe, years and years in the future, we'll pass away together, peacefully in our sleep, arms entwined, snoring gently until the snoring fades and is no more.  You might think that's morbid, but I think it would be beautiful.  I love David with all my heart and I know he loves me, too, and if we could go out together after years and years of happiness together, I think that would be the perfect ending to our story.

-----

Sometimes, I still think back to how it all began, how we were happy and young and in love, without a real care in the world.  I thought those days would never end.  I wish they hadn't.  How I miss her.  Sometimes, I think about how it would have been better if we had never met.  I try not to think such things, but sometimes I just can't help it.

-----

So Zach had a plan for how he was going to get back together with Lizzy.  It was a pretty simple plan as far as plans to win back the heart of a girl who dumped the previous year go, but I figured it might work.  His plan was to show up at the college's first annual beauty pageant and present her with a bouquet of a dozen red roses, win, place, or show.  He was certain she wouldn't rank any lower than third.  She was practically a pro at pageants, he said.

"How do you know she'll even be there?" I asked as I read over the flyer he had proudly handed me advertising the pageant.  "This says you have to be a student here to compete.  I thought Lizzy didn't want to go to college."

"Lizzy will do anything to enter a pageant," Zach told me.  "She goes nuts for these things.  And she knows about pageants even before the people organizing them do!  She always tried to downplay the importance of pageants in her life, but especially without me in her life to distract her, I'm sure she'll find a way to compete."

"You distracted her?" I asked.  "Not at all full of yourself there, are you?"

He slipped off one his sandals and threw it at me.  I ducked and it went thumping against the wall and fell down behind my bed.  "Dude, you gonna get that?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

I shook my head.  "Not a chance," I said.  "But seriously, you really think Lizzy's going to be at this thing?"  I waved the flyer out in front of me.

"I'd bet you a hundred dollars," he said.  "And another hundred that she wins."

I pursed my lips and looked up at the ceiling in thought for a moment, and then said, "No deal."

He laughed.  "That's because you know I'm right."

I sighed.  "Yeah, man, you probably are."  A brief silence and then I added, "You're sure you want this?  You can't go dumping a girl, get back together with her, and then end up dumping her again.  That would be a total dick move."

"Yeah, I know, dude," he said, "and yeah, I'm sure.  The only reason I dumped her to begin with was because I didn't know what I wanted, but now I know.  I want her."

"Okay man," I said.  "I hope it works out for you."

He folded his hands and leaned forward on his knees.  "Yeah, dude, I know it will," he said.  "After all, love conquers all, right?"

I shrugged and then turned back to my computer to work on my term paper.  I remember wishing I had his confidence, and wishing that I would find someone to love, even if it was someone as crazy as Lizzy.  I didn't know how close I was to meeting someone.  Sometimes love is just waiting for you when you least expect it.

-----

Our wedding was beautiful.  I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect day no matter how hard I tried.  Sure, it suddenly started raining on our outdoor ceremony and my dress got soaked, but laughing as we ran for cover in the unexpected downpour made it all the more memorable.  Our parents and other guests seemed annoyed, but I just smiled all the more as I looked into David's eyes and knew that we would be together for the rest of our lives.  He smiled back, and I knew our minds and our hearts were one.

-----

No photograph could adequately capture Alyse's beauty that day.  I could show you photo after photo and you still wouldn't have a clear picture of her radiance.  When the rain first started coming down, my heart lept into my throat and I felt dread and terror welling up with it, but then I felt Alyse squeeze my hand and heard her laughter as she started to pull me towards cover, and I couldn't help but smile and laugh as well.  Alyse's joy was like that:  totally and inescapably contagious.  When we finally stopped running once we had reached cover, she looked into my eyes and I saw her eyes sparkle.  I had never felt more alive nor more happy.  She was mine.  She had really agreed to be my bride and my wife.  We were going to be together forever.  Nothing could keep us apart now.

-----

The reception was spectacular.  We danced our first dance in jeans and T-shirts since our formal ware had been drenched by the downpour, but we didn't care.

NaNoWriMo -- Day 13

Forget Zach.  He doesn't call, he doesn't write.  Even if he did start now, I don't think I would take him back.  I'm sure I could have found him, but if he doesn't want to see me, then I don't want to see him either.  Besides, I needed to focus on my art history class.  Turns out history is even boring even when its about something beautiful, but at least I get to learn about lots of different artists and who they were and why they painted what they did.  Van Gogh intrigues me for sure.  But he died too young.  Why do all the crazies have to commit suicide?  Our world could use a little more color in it.  I guess that's what Monet was for, though.  I think he lived quite a bit longer, like 60 years rather than 40.  Picasso was pretty nuts, too.  He had to be to paint those weird shapes and stuff.  But you've heard of all those guys.  I suppose after completing an art history course with a B+, I should remember some more obscure names, but I really don't.  There's no need to.  Sometimes it can help to drop obscure names, but it's usually better to reference famous people who are actually famous.

Speaking of which, I was pretty thrilled that I got to meet last year's Miss America following my most recent pageant win.  She was one of the judges and told me that I was clearly brilliant and that she knew I was going to destroy the competition as soon as she first saw me on stage.  The way she touched my arm, I think she might have been interested in a little more than friendship, but I don't go that way, so I made sure to keep it platonic.  Still, she was super nice and gave me lots of great tips.  She seemed to think maybe I could compete in the big time, but I'm not sure I want to.  I prefer to keep winning.

Speaking of which, I also pretty excited about the next pageant I have coming up.  It's actually at the college, the one Zach goes to, where I took the art history course.  I saved up enough money to take another course this semester so that I could still be considered a student so that I'd be eligible to compete in the college's first ever student beauty pageant.  Anyone can enter for $10.  The winner takes the whole pot.  They're getting some random dudes to be judges.  Ugh, dudes, I mean guys.  Zach rubbed off on me too much.

But anyway, it's going to be a blast.  These amatuers have nothing on me.  I'm totally going to destroy the competition.  And if Zach hears about it and just happens to show up to watch me compete, even better.  He'll be reminded of just how much he missed out on after he dumped my ass.

-----

I was so happy that my son came home this past Christmas.  But he seemed a little distracted.  When I pressured him, gently of course, he admitted that he was a bit worried about his friend, Zach.  Zach was dating a girl that my Brady thought was no good for him.  My Brady is such a nice boy, and he has a really good intuition about people.  I always liked his high school friends so much.  Such nice boys.  Most of them didn't go to college.  They stayed home to help on the farm.  But my Brady, he's not a farm boy.  I love the farm, and I think Brady does, too, but my Brady, he has bigger mountains to climb.  He's going to do great things one day.  I just know it.  And he's going to do those great things with all of his heart.

Even little things, like his concern for his friend, are truly great things.  He's the best son a mother could possible ask for.  And I try to be a good mother to him, too.  I told him that he should be honest with his friend, maybe even be honest with the girl.  He sighed and said he wasn't certain that was a good idea, and that he really shouldn't get involved.  I told him that sometimes if you really care about someone, then you have to get involved.  He glanced up at me from where he was sitting on the couch and just smiled.  Yes, it was a bit of a condescending smile.  As nice as my Brady is, I think sometimes he thinks he's too smart for his old mom.  I know he was thinking about all my efforts to be a bigger part of his life.  Brady never pushed me away, but he never became a mama's boy either.  He was my oldest and only son and at first I wanted him to be so close to me he would never want to leave, but when he got that acceptance letter to college, I knew it was time to let him go, to let him be on his own.  Sometimes you have to let someone go and figure things out on their own, but sometimes you have to step in and help if that person isn't helping themselves.  That's what I told Brady, and I think he really took it to heart.

I don't really know what happened.  Brady hasn't called me in a while.  For the first several weeks after Christmas, he was calling me pretty regularly, but I haven't heard from him in the past few weeks.  I hope he's okay.  I'm sure he is.  Sometimes you have to step in pull someone back when they're drifting, but other times, you just have to let them be, let them figure things out on their own, and know that when the time is right, they'll drift back into your arms all on their own.

-----

It's been a while since I gave my mom a call.  Maybe I should do that.  But it's late, and she's probably already asleep.  Early to bed, early to rise is the true farm mentality.  I wouldn't want to wake her up.  Maybe I'll call her tomorrow, if I have time.  Or even just a text.  A text would be good.  I could just say, "I love you, Mom."  But then she'll think something's wrong.  She'll call me all worried and ask if I'm in trouble or something.  Oh, Mom, I'm fine.  Sometimes I just want to tell you I love you.

I guess we'll see what happens in the morning.  Zach and I were going to go to some sort of all day concert or something that he heard about.  It's like some sort of post-Easter celebration and he claims the bands are going to throw chocolate bunnies out into the crowd.  I don't know if he's just making that up or if that's a real thing.  It doesn't sound like a real thing, does it?

You know what?  I'm going to send my mom an Easter e-Card.  I know its a week late, but I think she'll appreciate it.  And since it's for an occasion, maybe she won't call me up all worried asking if I'm okay if I add a personal message of "I love you, Mom."  Yeah, that seems like a pretty decent plan.  Something with little chicks and bunnies.  She loves chicks.  The fluffy yellow things, I mean.  She'll get a kick out of this.

-----

When I couldn't run track to release all my energy, I found the thing I most wanted to do instead was practice my piano lessons extra hard.  I had just started taking lessons in November, so I wasn't very far yet, but I still had songs to practice, and when I practiced, I put my whole heart into them.  Simple little ditties like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" were never played with such emotion.

Okay, so I don't really know how much emotion I was conveying, since I didn't like letting others listen to me play, but it felt like a lot of emotion to me.  It may seem a little strange that I had absolutely no problem barreling down a track probably looking like a fool in front of hundreds of strangers but wasn't even comfortable practicing my piano lessons in front of my closest friends.  Jamie asked a few times if I would play for her and I kept saying I would, but I needed to get better first.  She told me she was sure I was great already, but I wasn't so sure.  Bridget, thankfully, never even bothered to ask how my lessons were going.  If she had, I would have told her that my instructor said I was doing quite well, but I thought she was just saying that to be nice.

Despite not having a ton of confidence in my musical abilities, I did feel that the track injury was certainly helping me to build those abilities faster than I otherwise would have.  My morning workouts were reduced to some brief weight lifting, no running of course, and after that I would eat my breakfast and then go practice piano in one of the studio rooms.  I didn't think anyone knew where I was, including Bridget.  That was what made it all the more surprising when she suddenly burst in on me one Friday morning in the middle of my practice.  I literally jumped off my seat and almost feel over when she rudely rushed into the room waving a flyer around.  I felt a bit of pain shoot through my mending foot (which was one of those boot things at the time), and hoped I hadn't just injured it, but the pain passed as quickly as the moan I let out that Bridget didn't seem to notice and then I had turned to glare at her, which she also didn't seem to notice.  She was much too excited about the flyer she had in her hand.

"Chris, you HAVE to do this!" she exclaimed.

Now I was pretty used to Bridget telling me about what I should do, but she was usually pretty good about not telling me I absolutely HAD to do something, so I figured this must be something that she knew I would actually want to do.  I was pretty wrong about that.

"What is it?" I asked.

"A beauty pageant!" she exclaimed.

I nearly burst out laughing.  I knew I was pretty, but I had never wanted to flaunt it.  My looks made me think of my mother, made me honor her, and she never flaunted her beauty either, at least she never did based on the stories my father told me about her.  It never even entered my mind to use my beauty to win some sort of prize or contest or something.  It almost seemed like it would be making a mockery of who I was.  "I'm not competing in a beauty pageant," I said resolutely as I sat back down and turned back towards the piano.  I placed my hands over the keys, took a deep breath, and wondered if I could conquer my fears and start playing with Bridget was still in the room.  While I was contemplating, she walked up behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder, nearly making me jump again.

"Come on, Chris," she said.  "It'll be fun.  It's only $10 to enter and when you win, you'll get like $300."

I looked over the shoulder she wasn't touching at her.  "Since when do you care about money?"

She sighed.  "Okay, that's just an excuse," she said.  "Really, I just think it would be good for you, boost your confidence, remind you of how great you are."

"You mean how good looking I am?" I asked.

She shook her head.  "No, not just that!" she said.  "Pageants are more than that.  You have to be smart and talented, too."

I looked down at my foot.  "My talent is injured right now," I said.

"This is exactly what I mean!" she exclaimed.  "There's more to you than running track!"

"I know there is," I said.  "But running track was my favorite thing."

"So maybe you should find a new favorite thing!" she said.

I looked behind me again.  "I'm the one who's trying all kinds of new things here," I said, bringing my hands down on the piano keys to play a simple chord.  "You're the one who just wants to party."

She sighed.  "Yes, I know, you're right," she said.  "But I want to change that, and I want to help you have some fun, some good fun, not my usual fun, and not be stuck in this rut I'm in."

"I'm not..."

"But you are!  You totally are."  She paused to take a deep breath.  "Come on," she said.  "Will you do this?  For me, as a friend?  I'll even compete with you.  Not that I'll be much competition."

I shook my head and laughed.  "Bridget, you are something else," I said.

She smiled.  "Does that mean you'll do it."

I sighed.  "Okay, fine," I said.  "I'll do it."

"Awesome!"  She let out a sigh of relief as she finally removed her hand from my shoulder.  She turned around and I thought she was going to leave, but then she turned back and said, "I've never really asked how your lessons are going, but you sounded pretty good when I came in."

"Yeah, until you scared the crap out of me."

"Would you like to play something for me?  Maybe you could practice something for the talent portion of the pageant."

"I don't think I'm nearly good enough for that," I said, "but I suppose..."  I turned back to the piano and sighed.  "Oh what the heck," I said.  "I guess I can play something for you."  And it turned out, practicing the piano with my friend in the room with me was not nearly as scary as I had thought.

NaNoWriMo - Day 12

I think Zach was a little sad about Bridget dumping him.  I mean, I would imagine it hurts to hear someone say they don't want to be with you, even if you don't want to be with them either, but he came out on top.  Within just a few weeks of the break-up, I noticed a significant change.  He smiled a lot more and was back to his own joking, teasing, wanting to use me for my car even though he had one of his own this year self.  I was glad to have him back.

I have to admit, though, I found myself wondering about Bridget.  That conversation I had with her had shaken me more than I realized at first and I nearly felt like I should apologize to her for thinking she was such a bitch all that time.  She wasn't a bitch.  She was just different.  I still felt like she was destructive to herself and others, but not in a life and death kind of way.  More in a not living a truly meaningful life kind of way.  Of course, me apologizing to her for thinking she was a bitch would require admitting to her that I had considered her a bitch.  I couldn't think of anyway that that didn't come off making me seem like the total asshole that I had mentally been to her.  So I didn't follow through.  Instead, I just wondered from time to time if she had found some other guy to agonize or if maybe she had straightened herself up a little.  I wondered what Bridget not being a crazy sorority party girl would be like.  It seemed like the partying was such a part of her nature that she wouldn't even be the same person, but people do change.  I mean, look at me, I used to think I was a pretty nice guy and then I ended up hating on both of my best friend's girlfriends.  Was I just jealous that he had had two relationships in the time that I had had zero?  Was I really that shallow?  Did this all go back to wanting approval from my father?  No approval from dad, no attention from girls.  Was that what was getting me down?

While I was busy trying to figure this out, I failed to notice that the old Zach I had known and loved was fading again, until finally one day he came out and said to me, "Dude, I think I might want to get back together with Lizzy."

I should have seen it coming, but I was distracted and not being a particularly good friend up to that point, so at the time it seemed to come so far out of left field that all I could manage to provide was a shocked, deadpan "What?"

"I'm serious," he said.  "I really miss her.  I barely miss Bridget at all, but I really miss Lizzy."

I knew he had missed Lizzy before, back before Bridget, but I thought the whole point of Bridget had been to get over Lizzy.  It seemed that instead, Bridget had just driven him right back into Lizzy's arms.  My initial reaction had been to resist, to argue, to try to convince him not to do it, but hadn't I just been feeling guilty about my past animosity towards both Lizzy and Bridget?  Maybe it was right for Zach and Bridget to be together.

"I don't know, man," I said, softening my tone.  "You have to do what you think is right, what you think will make you happy."  I took a breath and then added, "And what you think will make Lizzy happy, too."

He fidgeted with his thumbs a bit, then looked up at me and asked, "You don't think Lizzy would want me back?"

I shook my head.  "I didn't say that, man."  The truth was, I thought Lizzy would be nuts not to take Zach back.  He was always so good to her and I wasn't sure she could land a more normal guy than Zach.  But then again, the reason I say that is that Lizzy was a little nuts, so who really knew what she would do.

Zach sighed and collapsed back onto the bed he had been sitting on.  "I don't know, dude," he said with his hands behind his head staring up at the ceiling.  "Are chicks really worth it?"

I shrugged and turned back to my computer.  I had been in the middle of writing a paper when he made his announcement.  "I don't know," I said.  "If I ever manage to find one to date, I'll let you know."

Zach immediately sat back up and said, "Oh geeze, dude, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean..."

I laughed and turned back around to face him.  "No, man, I understand," I said.  "You shouldn't feel bad."

"You'll find the right girl," he said.  "I know you will."

I chuckled.  "At this point I'd settle for any girl," I joked.

There was silence for a moment.  Zach folded his hands and kicked his feet a little and then looked at me again and said, "You know, Lizzy could have been yours."

I shook my head.  "Now that I know would have never worked out," I said.

He shrugged.  "You never know," he said.

I nodded and said, "Yes I do."  There was silence again.  We both looked down at our hands awkwardly and then I finally looked back up and said, "If you really want to be with her, if you think it will make both of you happy and be a good relationship, you should go for it."

He glanced up and gave a brief smile.  "Thanks, dude," he said.  "That means a lot."

-----

I loved running on the track team.  I did the 200m and 400m dashes.  For those few seconds, there was nothing else in the world but the air hitting my face and my running shoes hitting the track as I raced along, arms pumping, sweat dripping from my face, hurling towards that finish line, gaining on the other girls or, more often, pushing myself to catch up to the couple that were just ahead of me, just out of reach.  I actually liked it better when I wasn't winning, which was convenient since I rarely was winning, because I could see ahead of me what I was pushing for.  It was motivating.  And when I was able to actually catch or even pass one of the girls ahead of me before we reached the end of the race, well there was no greater feeling in all of the world.

Losing that feeling was what made my injury all the more devastating.

Now before you get too worried about me, this wasn't a permanent injury, and it wasn't like I could never walk again or anything like that.  Maybe I should have kept you in suspense for a while longer, but that's just not my style.  I was on crutches for a while, but after that I could walk mostly fine, just couldn't run any distance for several months.  All that being said, you probably think it wasn't all that bad, but for me it was awful.

This was my first year of college, first year running college track.  It was my fourth meet of the season.  I was pumped up because practices had been going great this week and I had gotten second place at the previous week's meet.  It was a smaller meet with less competition, but still, second place was pretty exciting.  My dad was even in the stands at this meet, since it was on our home turf.  I tried to be an adult and not be thrilled to death that he was there, but I was still a silly little freshman barely out of high school who had grown up as daddy's little girl, so it was pretty hard to hide my emotions.  I had gone over and talked to him before the race and he had told me how proud he was of me and promised to take lots of pictures.  I don't think he expected to be taking pictures of the girl in the lane next to me tripping me.

Now she didn't do it on purpose.  I know it was just an accident.  After all, she took both of us down, and no one would want to trip a second rate runner next to them to their own detriment as well intentionally.  Still, I had never felt such simultaneous anger and pain before in my life.  My leg slammed against the track hard, and skidded in a way that really ripped the skin open.  The girl next to me was moaning a little, but I was in tears.  The coach, a couple of my teammates, and my dad all rushed to my side.  They got me in the ambulance and took me to the emergency room, which was probably overkill to be honest, and the doctor cleaned up my leg, declared it severely sprained and the bone slightly (hairline) fractured.  It wasn't the worst sports injury ever by a long shot, but it was enough to put me out of commission for the rest of the season.  And I was crushed.  I never had any hopes of winning at any of my meets, but to not even be able to compete after winning the scholarship and training so hard for months, that was awful.  I knew I would have three more years to compete after this, but all I could think about was what a crappy start I was off to.

Of course, my father was just as supportive as ever.  He told me how he was pretty sure I would have won the race if I hadn't been so brutally tripped and I just rolled my eyes and said, "Oh, Dad."  He smiled.  At least he had managed to make me feel better for a little while.  He checked up on me for the next couple days to make sure I was doing okay and then decided it was time to give me my space again.  I missed him immediately, especially since Jamie was involved in an intensive work-study that month and Bridget had been so busy with this new boyfriend of hers to spend any time in our dorm room (not that she spent much time there anyway since she pretended she lived at the sorority house even though she technically didn't).  But I knew I was a strong young woman, and I would make it through, even if making it through involved sobbing into my pillow for several nights and skipping a few classes because my leg hurt and I didn't want to move.  In fact, I felt like things were getting quite a bit better by the time Bridget showed back in our room a week later and announced that she was done with that boy she had been dating and ready to be here for her best friend again.

All I could do was sigh and thank her.  I felt like I was really starting to outgrow Bridget, but she still tried to be a good friend, and I wouldn't deny her the chance to feel like she was really doing something to help me.  Which, for the record, she really did, more than I ever would have thought possible.

NaNoWriMo - Day 11

It gives me some comfort to know that I wasn't the only one Darren had fooled.  My friends thought he was great, too.  But then again, my friends had also thought Steve the chauvinist was a perfect match for me.  To me, the difference between Steve and Darren was the difference between a frog and a prince.  What I discovered, though, was that a frog is straightforward and simple.  A frog is a frog.  A prince can seem like prince charming, but could actually be a manipulative power-monger who slowly eats away at your soul.

For a while, every day with Darren seemed better than the day before, and then slowly, every day got a little worse.  It was a gradual change, and like a frog sitting in a pot of slowly warming water, that gradual change kept me from noticing that I needed to get out.  We weren't actually dating for that long before the water started heating up, just a few months, but it was such a slow fade that our relationship drug out for almost a year before I finally realized what was happening and knew that I had to get out.

It started innocently enough.  He stopped listening to me as closely as he did at the start.  At the beginning he seemed to value every thing I said, and to be honest and respectful about whether he agreed or disagreed.  As time went on, I more and more often would get responses of "Hum?  What did you say?" or "Sorry, babe, I wasn't really listening."  That I could live with though, so I told myself, and things kept going on with me thinking he was still just as great as when we had begun.

Then, I started noticing him looking at other women when we were out in public.  He was pretty subtle about it at first.  So subtle at first, that I figured I was just imagining it and was too embarrassed to call him on it.  But then, he started looking longer and more often, as if he wanted me to notice and reprimand him for it, so I finally did.  His response was to seem genuinely hurt as he said, "You know you're the only girl for me.  Have a little faith."

That actually made me feel guilty, and it seemed like he felt bad about it too because I started noticing the glances at other women less and less.  Now, I suspect it was just that I chose to stop noticing and not that they had diminished, but at the time, I thought Darren had taken what I said to heart and tried to change for me, even though he didn't think he was doing anything wrong.  It actually made me like him more, and drove me further into the denial that a relationship with him was not all it was cracked up to be.

Breaking off planned date nights with me to go out with his guy friends was the next stage of darkening in our relationship.  He justified it by saying he had been spending so much time with me and needed some male bonding time.  His friends backed him up by mentioning whenever they happened to see me how nice it was of me to let Darren hang out with them.  They made it sound like I had Darren fully under my control, which again made me feel guilty, and made me less and less resistant of him wanting to spend time with them instead of with me.  After all, who was I to keep him away from his friends?  I still had my friends, so why shouldn't he?  What I didn't think about at the time was:  if I still managed to find time to spend with my friends in addition to our date nights, which I had, why wasn't he doing the same?  On the nights he broke our dates, I ended up mostly staying in my apartment studying because I had already had my girls night for the week.  So why hadn't he had his guys' night already?  That was a question I never bothered to ask.

The answer finally came out months later when the truth about Darren's "guys' nights" was revealed.  You probably guessed the truth from my generous use of quotes.  Turns out Darren had been cheating on my with multiple women.  I don't care to go into the details of how I found out.  It's enough that I did find out, and that was when I finally woke up and realized I had been getting boiled alive for months.  Darren begged me for a second chance, but I had already unknowingly, unwittingly given him multiple second chances.  I wanted to be strong.  I needed to be strong.  That was the one good thing that came from it all.  I was able to tell him, "No" without hesitation.

My friends applauded me, of course, and told me I was so right to get out.  I didn't need their validation.  They, I realized, were in some ways a lot like Darren, telling me what they thought I wanted to hear, just stringing me along.  They weren't malicious about it like he was, but they did it just the same.  They meant well, I knew, but I needed new friends, better friends, friends who would really watch out for me the way the men I had dated never would.  And not just external friends, I needed to be a better friend for myself.  I vowed that never again would I date an asshole or a loser.  I would only date men that really respected me and cared for me, the kind of men I could bring home to the family to be accepted as a potential son-in-law.  And if I did mess up again, I would break it off at the first signs of real trouble.

I realize now that this was a bit extreme and potentially unrealistic, but it was less unrealistic than you might think.  After all, the next man I would date was the man who was going to become my husband.

NaNoWriMo -- Day 10

You'd think that after those two miserable experiences, I would have learned my lesson.  But I guess back then I was a glutton for punishment, pardon the clique, or else I just thought that somewhere out there there must be a good looking athletic guy who had both a heart and a brain.  I would never go so far as to say that such a person doesn't exist.  I'm sure he does, somewhere, but I never found him.  What I did find was the worst man I had ever dated.  He had a brilliant smile that he flashed about like it was nothing and said all the right words to everyone.  He was charming and muscular and managed to maintain a 3.5 GPA while still heading up the men's lacrosse team.  He always seemed to listen to what I had to say.  He respected me and only gave me what I wanted.  But, oh, how he made me want it.  I remember thinking he had to be the one.  I had finally found the man I had been seeking.  How wrong I was.

-----

Okay, so I'm realizing you might be thinking I'm a bit of an ass when it comes to women.  You've heard about me at the start of a relationship and at the end, but I don't know that you've heard enough about the middle.  I think you've realized by now that Lizzy and I actually had a pretty decent time together, before the end.  I want to emphasize that again, before I go on with my story.  Lizzy was crazy, but I felt in the middle of the relationship, and again after dating Bridget, that she was crazy in a good way, a fun way.  She said and did lots of random things, but then again, so did I.  Sometimes she said things that annoyed Brady, but she usually apologized afterwards.  She tried to get me to relax and have more fun, but she understood when I had to study for a test.  She realized that was what was important to me, just like I realized that beauty pageants were important to her.  I think she cut back on them a little while we were dating.  I think she was afraid I'd think less of her if I realized just how obsessed she was with winning.  Maybe I would have been a little unnerved, but there are much worse things to obsess over.  And she didn't let it get in the way of her job or of our relationship.  Lizzy wasn't perfect, but no one is.

She had a rough childhood, too.  She didn't talk about it much, but I got enough out of her to learn her dad had left when she was very young and her mother wasn't a particularly good parent.  Lizzy wasn't very open about it, but I could see the pain in her eyes, even that day we broke up when she was talking about her mother.  But Lizzy was strong and determined and she wouldn't let life keep her down.  She took control.  Maybe she even scared me a little in that regard.

But still, we had fun together.  She let me hang out at the store while she was working.  We'd go get frozen yogurt or hot chocolate, depending on the weather.  She never laughed at me for wearing sandals year round.  We'd go to the park and feed the ducks.  We even named a few of them.  We flew a kite there one time, too.  We just bought a cheap kid from some toy store and flew it for a while and then Lizzy just let it go and we watched it sail off into the distance.  We had a good time together.  But where was it going?  I broke up with Lizzy in part because I didn't know where our relationship was going.  Or maybe I did know where it was going and it scared me.

Either way, we broke off and it was done.  I decided the Lizzy phase of my life was over.  But by the end of the summer, I was getting restless and bored and wanted to have fun again.  I needed to find a way to loosen up, to help me get over Lizzy.  That was when I decided dating a sorority girl was the way to go.  I truly believed dating a girl who was more into partying than Lizzy, who was in to fun but not so much into the crazy party scene, would be a way to help me forget Lizzy.  Seeing Lizzy at campus early on that semester certainly didn't help with the whole me forgetting her thing.  Part of me wanted to run right up to her and kiss her, but instead I just ran away.  I was done with Lizzy.  Brady asked me if I had wanted her to run after me.  I think a part of me did.  But she didn't catch me, and she didn't go looking for me.  If she really wanted to, she could have called my cell phone or looked me up in the student directory.  But she didn't.  So I let it go.  I figured we were done and that was that.

So I went on with my plan to date a sorority girl.  I wasn't particular at first, but I'm trying to convince you I'm not an ass when it comes to women, so I will tell you that I at least wanted a girl who wanted to date me, and a girl who would have a good time without too much of a desire for commitment.  I went in expecting our relationship to be fairly temporary.  I knew it was a rebound type thing, even though I was the one who had broken things off with Lizzy.  When I started dating Bridget, I tried to be light hearted about it, to convey a sense that this wasn't a long term thing.  But I never said it explicitly, and even then, my hinting words and my dedicated actions weren't sending the same message.  Dude, I don't know, maybe I am an ass when it comes to women.

But I really did have fun with Bridget for at least a month before I started to feel uneasy.  I needed fun and Bridget provided it.  We'd go to the frats every week.  She'd get drunk and do ridiculous things.  I'd get just tipsy enough to enjoy myself, but not so much that I couldn't remember what happened.  I needed to make sure Bridget got back to her house safely, too.  I never really knew how far those frat guys would go, and I suspected Bridget was in no condition to tell them no.  Maybe she wouldn't have wanted to say no even she was sober, but I certainly wanted her to say no.

After that first month of nothing by partying and drinking, I realized this was not going to work.  I cared about my studies, even if Bridget didn't.  And I knew that she should care.  I started declining her invites to go to parties and encouraging her to stay home and study once in a while, or at least go to class.  But she just pulled out her C+ test scores on me and declared that she was doing good enough.  I tried to tell her that wasn't good enough, but she wouldn't listen.  She'd just walk up to me and kiss me and tell me not to be such a party pooper.  She was a fantastic kisser.  A lot more saliva than Lizzy for sure, but at the time I liked it, gross as that may sound.

I wanted to dump her, but somehow I couldn't.  It was like she had a hold on me.  Like I hadn't gotten everything I should from the relationship or something.  I'd told her before I didn't think this was going to work out and she'd just say, "Well then, enjoy it while you can, dude" as if it wasn't going to work out because she was going to dump me eventually.  I think that's why I stuck with it.  I didn't want to be the bad guy and dump her and I felt like surely she would dump me eventually, so I just stuck it out and waited for that to happen.  I refused more and more of her party invites and tried to be as lame as possible.

I think Brady noticed the difference more than I had hoped he would.  I kept asking me if I wanted to go out to the mall or to a movie or something.  I declined.  I knew I would get my life back.  I was just waiting for Bridget to dump me.  And in the meantime, I might as well study hard and get good grades.  I managed to pull my B's up to A's and the one C I was getting up to a B+.  So that was good, at least.  In the end, Brady didn't have to be so concerned.  It took a while, but eventually Bridget told me she was bored with me and that it was probably best to just move on.  Besides, her friend Chris needed her.  Bridget had never mentioned Chris before, so I figured she was just making some sort of excuse, but I let it go.  I was free.

Now all I had to do was decide if I wanted to go back to Lizzy or not, if she would even have me, that is.

-----

Bridget was a bitch, I thought, just stringing Zach along like that.  He deserved better than that.  Even Lizzy was better than that.  He wasn't doing anything about it.  He was just letting her continue to claim to be his girlfriend even though she clearly wasn't any more.  Something had to be done, and if Zach wasn't going to do it, I was.  I'm usually not very confrontational, but Zach was my friend, and I knew he used to love life and I hated seeing him, well, like me:  all work and no play.  He was supposed to be the one trying to convince me to ditch the books and live a little!  Not the other way around.

I wasn't as intimidated of Bridget as I had been of Lizzy.  Sometimes, I felt like Lizzy might just whip out a knife and stab me, even though she always tried to make up for the times she was rude to me.  Bridget was just rude without caring.  That kind of a girl, the kind that just runs her mouth off, I don't think you really have to be afraid of her so much.  So I wasn't.  And so one Friday night before the frat parties, when Zach was up in his room studying, I stopped by Bridget's sorority house to talk to her.

I'm a little surprised she even came down to talk to me.  When she did come down, she looked a little sad, but that wasn't going to stop me from saying what I had to say.  "Bridget, I know you don't like me," I said.

"I wouldn't say that," she answered, which really caught me off guard, but I wouldn't let her shake me.

"You and Zach, it just can't go on like this.  I care about him too much for that."

She sneered and said, "Gay much?"

"Bridget, don't be like that.  You don't have to..."

She sighed and rolled her eyes as she put her hands on her hips, then she looked right at me.  "Listen, you're right," she said.  "I know you're right.  Zach's not a real party animal.  He likes to have fun, but he cares about other stuff, too.  Sometimes too much, but ya know, no one's perfect."

I just stood there in stunned silence.  I have never seen Bridget like this before.  She never cared about anything.

"Listen, I'll break up with him," she said.  "He's too nice or determined or something to do it himself."

"Good," I said.  And then realizing how horrible that sounded, I added, "Thank you."  Not knowing what else to do, I held out my hand.

She rolled her eyes and then shook it.  Then she looked up at me and said.  "Friends are better than lovers."  And she went back into the sorority house.

It was the strangest most unexpected encounter with her I had never imagined.  I realized afterwards that I had never spoken to her alone before then.  Zach had always been around.  If she was like this when she was alone with me, did she act differently when she was alone with Zach?  Or had something strange just happened?  Either way, I just shook my head and turned and walked away.  I was tempted to knock on the door again, try to find out what was wrong with her, but I wouldn't let me resolve be shaken.  This one random oddity aside, she still was no good as a girlfriend for my best friend, and I should simply count my blessings that, by some miracle, she finally seemed to agree.

-----

Sometimes it makes me really sad how often people think of me as a bitch.  Being a bitch and being a party girl are two very different things and too often, people get them confused.  Like Brady.  He means well.  He's just trying to protect his friend.  But he doesn't have to be such an ass about it.  Really, when he came to talk to me alone, it wasn't so bad, but before then, all those glares and judgmental looks, I don't know that he realized it but he was treating me the way I treat others.  Yes, I know I can be rude and judgmental of people who are too uptight.  Brady apparently does it will people who are too loose and free like me.  Yet, he's such good friends with Zach.  I guess it's all about balance with him.  I suppose I can respect that.  Maybe I need more balance in my life.  Especially after seeing what happened to Chris, I realize that getting too obsessed with something can really destroy you if it ends up getting taken away.

I don't want to be like that.

Maybe my short time with Zach and Brady has been a wake-up call.  Maybe I need to get my act together, be a better friend and student.  After all, no one will be happy if I fail out of all my classes, not even me.