I close my eyes and I see them still, the faces of all the past friends and lovers I've hurt or scared away, but I open my eyes and see Chloe and it all seems to melt away. When I look at her I can actually smile, and I can forget. Not forget fully. The memory of the cruel things I've done to others can never be fully erased, and it shouldn't be. But with Chloe, I have a second chance. I truly have a second chance.
---
I love Andrew. I truly do, with all of my heart I love him. But sometimes I look at him and I wonder what he's hiding. It's been nearly three months since he broke down in front of me. I was afraid we were going to break up that night, but instead it seemed to be the beginning of our real relationship, or at least the beginning of what he seems to think is our real relationship.
I like the way things are. It's comforting and safe. I don't see any of the anger in him that he claimed to have once had. But what scares me is that he doesn't talk about it anymore. He was so afraid to bring it up. For two months he kept all of it from me. And then he gave me a taste, and then stopped.
I know what ever he's done, he isn't doing it now. And I know that he loves me. Sometimes I feel like he thinks his love for me is what is keeping him safe at work and in society. I know he's not the monster he claimed to be, but I still feel like there is something he is hiding from me.
I shouldn't need to know. I told him it doesn't matter and it doesn't. Even though I told him that, though, part of me thought he was going to bring it up again anyway. Part of me wanted to know the truth. I don't want the truth to be bad. But if it is bad, I want to know it. Or maybe I don't.
I see what he is now, the love he shows me, the kindness with which he treats others and I know he's not a monster. But I also still find it so hard to believe that he ever was cruel to anyone. Is he hiding behind some mask for me? And if he is, do I really want to take it off?
I can't ask him though. Not after saying it didn't matter. I just have to wait, patiently, to see if he wants to reveal more of his true self, if there is anything else to reveal.
---
I've noticed a change in Chloe. She seems a little less comfortable around me now. Could I be losing my rock? Is she slowly slipping away?
She's told me it's fine, that she loves me, and I see in her eyes that it's true, but I see something else in her eyes, too. A fear that never existed before. It's not as bad as the fear I've seen from the others, but it's fear nonetheless and it makes me want to cry seeing her look at me that way.
I've been so good, so pure with her around. I can't tell her the truth and lose her now. But I can't keep these secrets and lose her that way either. Which is worse, to tell her more of the monster I once was, or to keep her guessing? Maybe it's better to keep her guessing. She always tried to tell me it couldn't be as bad as I thought it was. Even now, her imagination of what I've done is probably far more mild than what I've actually done.
But what if it isn't imagination? What if she's found out about the true me? But that's impossible. That was another man, from ages ago, with a different face and a different name. There's no way she knows who I really am.
But shouldn't she know? Doesn't she have a right to know? This is the longest I've ever gone without a hint of the monster showing it's face. Even those who stayed with me longer than this had had a taste by now. I hope beyond hope that the beast is slipping away, but how can I ever know? How can I ever really know? I should tell her, I really should, but I can't, not now. I've told her enough. I've told her what I know I am. We've gone too far for me to ruin it now.
---
Andrew's gotten quiet again. I can tell he wants to talk to me, but he won't. I don't want to push him. I don't need to know. Not really. All that matters is who he is now. My only fear is that this past that haunts him so is coming back to take the man I love. Andrew is strong, and I pray he is strong enough to keep that from happening, and if he isn't, I've vowed to myself that I will be that strength for both of us.
---
It shouldn't have happened, not the way it did. I was thinking of her when it happened. I was at work, thinking of her, thinking of when I should tell her more and what I should tell her when he interrupted me. I'm not even sure what he said or what I said back, but then next thing I knew, the whole office was staring at me and the HR rep on their way to have a talk with me. Strike one.
I just stared at him in disbelief. "Why would you do this to me?" He tried to back away, but I stepped forward. "What did you think you were doing?" I forgot everyone was staring and just kept yelling until the HR rep arrived. Strike two.
The HR rep was a lovely person, I'm sure, but she walked in at the wrong time. I was still fully enraged. I just wasn't thinking straight, wasn't really even aware of what I was doing. I didn't mean to turn and slap her. Why would anyone mean to do that? But it happened and that was certainly enough. Strike three.
---
I was still at work when he called me. He was crying. I'd never heard him cry before, not like this. He said something like, "I thought I was better." And I definitely heard the word monster. I was in somewhat of a daze as I asked the other barista to cover me. I had to go home early, I said. It was a family emergency. I didn't want to say that I was going to pick my boyfriend up from jail.
---
For some reason I'll never understand, the HR rep decided not to press any charges, but there was no chance they were ever letting me back in that office. I had lost my job and I was so sure I was about to lose my girlfriend, but as we drove away from the police station, she glanced at me and she actually smiled.
---
The woman he had hit was at the police station when I got there. She seemed shocked more than anything. She was sitting alone, but one of the cops pointed her out to me. Before I paid the bail money, I went and talked to her. I wanted to make sure that she was okay, that she felt safe with me releasing the man I thought I loved back onto the streets, the man who had certainly been a monster to her.
She seemed to be in shock more than anything. "We'd never have any complaints about him before," she said, shaking her head. "It was like he just snapped. I had even seen him before, in the cafeteria or in meeting rooms. He usually ate alone, but he was always friendly to people. And he always seemed very respectful of everyone. I don't know what happened."
I nodded as if I actually understood what was happening. "I'm not sure he did either," I said, thought part of me knew that he understood all too well.
She sighed. "Well, we can't let him back to work," she said. "But I don't know that fining him or putting him in jail will do any good anyway." And then she turned to me with the last remnants of fear in her eyes and said, "You be careful."
I nodded. "I will," I said.
I knew I couldn't leave him; not now. It was really time for me to be strong enough for the both of us.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Perspectives Part 2
Well, I finally told her the truth, or at least most of it. We were over at her place, sitting on the couch, kissing, when I felt her hand on my thigh, and as it moved up closer and closer I knew what was about to happen. Once again, she was taking charge, doing what I had shown fear to do. It was bound to happen, we had been building for weeks, but it couldn't happen, not yet, not before I had told her...
---
We were making out on the couch and I decided to just go for it. I knew he wanted me and I wanted him so I didn't know what was stopping us. But he stopped me. He grabbed my wrist, not forcefully, but gently, and pulled it away. He scooted back a couple inches and looked into my eyes. I knew he was finally going to tell me his secrets, what he was so afraid of, what was causing him to pull back. I was ready. I was ready to hear a tragic story from his past, some traumatic experience from childhood, a lover or friend who had left him in the worse possible way, some horrible crime he had witnessed. What I wasn't ready for was what he actually said.
"I'm a monster."
That was it. I didn't understand, didn't believe, and for a moment, just a moment, I wasn't sure what to say.
---
She looked at me in confusion, like she didn't know the meaning of the word. I figured she was probably wondering what kind of monster, was trying to figure out how to ask me for more details, but instead, when she gained her composure she simply said, "No you aren't."
---
He dropped my hand and just looked at me. It saw tears starting to form in his eyes. "No, really, I am," he insisted. I was about to protest, but he held his hand up to stop me. "No let me finish," he insisted. There was no anger in his voice, only pain. So I scooted back to the edge of the couch and listened.
---
She moved away from me finally, as well she should. I was sure she had heard some of the evil slip through in my voice. I couldn't even tell when it was happening all the time anymore. But I couldn't stop now. I had to tell her, at least as much as I could.
---
I was convinced that it was a lie. Perhaps a lie he believed, but a lie nonetheless. Someone he cared about, maybe multiple someones, had told him he was a monster and he had somehow come to believe it. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. I had seen enough of him to know he was no monster, but still, I let him speak and I was shocked when he jumped right into it, telling me of things I was certain he could have never really done with evil intentions in mind.
"Remember when you asked me if I had pets?" he asked. I nodded. "Well, I used to have a pet. A dog. His name was Charlie. Charlie was a great dog and I loved having him around, but what day there was... an accident of sorts, and I killed him. I didn't mean to, but it was my fault nonetheless." Before I could react to the shock of any of that and think to ask how Charlie died and how it could have possibly been his fault, he went on, "And then there was my friend, the one I went to Europe with. Remember, you asked about him? Well we were best friends for about three years. He had seen what I was, knew the way I could become, and he still stuck with me, he still had hope in me that I could be a better person, but then I did it to him. I didn't kill him, please don't think I killed him." I couldn't believe Andrew would even think I would think that, but I just let him continue. "We got into a really bad argument one time and I punched him in the face, more than once. I nearly did a lot worse, but I managed to control it, to stop myself. Of course he never spoke to me again after that. Why would he? There was no way I could apologize for what I had done to him." I saw the tears actually flowing now as he went on. "And work. I haven't hurt anyone there yet, not really, but I can tell the guys are afraid of me. They're so afraid they don't even report my behavior to anyone."
At that point, I couldn't help it, I just had to jump in. "Maybe that's because there's nothing to report."
---
I couldn't believe it. Here I was, pouring out my soul to her and she still didn't believe it. The monster in me was starting to get angry, pushing me to show her what I really was, but I suppressed it. I couldn't do that to her, not to her. Instead I just held out my hand and she took it. "No, Chloe, there is, there really is."
---
I didn't want to let him go. I wanted him to stay, to hold him and comfort him and tell him everything would be alright. But how could I convince him? He was convinced he was a monster and no matter what I was going to say, he wouldn't believe otherwise; I just needed to give him time, and to keep caring for him, to show him that I knew what he really was even if he didn't.
---
I wanted her to be right, for it to be true that I wasn't as bad as I thought I was, but I knew how bad I really was and she didn't. She hadn't been there; she hadn't seen the things I had done. She brought out the best in me; she had never seen the real me, the dark me, the one that everyone else feared. I had to show her who I really was, but I couldn't show her who I really was. Maybe it was better this way, for me to suffer silently and let her think I was good. What else could I do? The whole point of all of this was that I didn't want to hurt her. Should I just leave? Was it possible for me to stay with her?
I didn't know what to do and so I left, just for then. I would call her tomorrow. I would try again to explain. I would make her actually understand and if then she still wanted to stay, I would be the happiest man in the world.
---
He didn't call the next day and I didn't see him in the coffee shop, not for days. I tried calling him but I only got his voice mail. I thought about going to his work, but to be honest, I was a little afraid. Could they be true, the things he said? He had never been a monster to me. Could he really be a monster to others? Why would he even bother to tell me if I never saw it? Did he really think he would hurt me? When he had said that before I thought he meant in an emotional way, but after that night, I wondered if he really thought he was capable of hurting me physically.
I didn't see any hatred or anger in him. I would have never thought he was capable of hurting anyone. I still wanted to understand. I just couldn't believe any of it was true. That it was really happening. I finally resolved that if I hadn't heard from him by the end of that next weekend, I would go to work and see for myself what kind of man he claimed he really was.
---
I was angry and hurt and scared. I didn't go to work for three days for fear of how I might treat the people there. I really didn't want to get fired, not again. I wanted to be good I really did. Chloe made me good. I thought about it. I hadn't been doing so bad at work since I met her. In fact, a couple weeks ago, one of the other employees had actually smiled at me. Maybe I was getting better. She was making me better. It seemed I needed her. But how could I justify it? I needed her, but what possible use could she have for a man like me?
---
He showed up on my doorstep Sunday night. "I'm a mess," he said. That was it. That was all he had to say. I didn't know if he meant for exaggerating his problems or if he meant those problems themselves, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that it was him and he was there. No one made me feel so wonderful and beautiful and valued as he did. I knew I was all those things even without him, he just made me feel it so much stronger, and there was no one else I wanted to be with.
---
Any guilt or fear I may have felt melted away until there was only her and me, and when the sun came up the next day and we were still together, her lying in the bed next to me, actually turning to me and smiling, somehow it felt like everything was going to be okay. I didn't have to tell her all of it. I told her what I could and she loved me still. My strength. She loved me still.
---
---
We were making out on the couch and I decided to just go for it. I knew he wanted me and I wanted him so I didn't know what was stopping us. But he stopped me. He grabbed my wrist, not forcefully, but gently, and pulled it away. He scooted back a couple inches and looked into my eyes. I knew he was finally going to tell me his secrets, what he was so afraid of, what was causing him to pull back. I was ready. I was ready to hear a tragic story from his past, some traumatic experience from childhood, a lover or friend who had left him in the worse possible way, some horrible crime he had witnessed. What I wasn't ready for was what he actually said.
"I'm a monster."
That was it. I didn't understand, didn't believe, and for a moment, just a moment, I wasn't sure what to say.
---
She looked at me in confusion, like she didn't know the meaning of the word. I figured she was probably wondering what kind of monster, was trying to figure out how to ask me for more details, but instead, when she gained her composure she simply said, "No you aren't."
---
He dropped my hand and just looked at me. It saw tears starting to form in his eyes. "No, really, I am," he insisted. I was about to protest, but he held his hand up to stop me. "No let me finish," he insisted. There was no anger in his voice, only pain. So I scooted back to the edge of the couch and listened.
---
She moved away from me finally, as well she should. I was sure she had heard some of the evil slip through in my voice. I couldn't even tell when it was happening all the time anymore. But I couldn't stop now. I had to tell her, at least as much as I could.
---
I was convinced that it was a lie. Perhaps a lie he believed, but a lie nonetheless. Someone he cared about, maybe multiple someones, had told him he was a monster and he had somehow come to believe it. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. I had seen enough of him to know he was no monster, but still, I let him speak and I was shocked when he jumped right into it, telling me of things I was certain he could have never really done with evil intentions in mind.
"Remember when you asked me if I had pets?" he asked. I nodded. "Well, I used to have a pet. A dog. His name was Charlie. Charlie was a great dog and I loved having him around, but what day there was... an accident of sorts, and I killed him. I didn't mean to, but it was my fault nonetheless." Before I could react to the shock of any of that and think to ask how Charlie died and how it could have possibly been his fault, he went on, "And then there was my friend, the one I went to Europe with. Remember, you asked about him? Well we were best friends for about three years. He had seen what I was, knew the way I could become, and he still stuck with me, he still had hope in me that I could be a better person, but then I did it to him. I didn't kill him, please don't think I killed him." I couldn't believe Andrew would even think I would think that, but I just let him continue. "We got into a really bad argument one time and I punched him in the face, more than once. I nearly did a lot worse, but I managed to control it, to stop myself. Of course he never spoke to me again after that. Why would he? There was no way I could apologize for what I had done to him." I saw the tears actually flowing now as he went on. "And work. I haven't hurt anyone there yet, not really, but I can tell the guys are afraid of me. They're so afraid they don't even report my behavior to anyone."
At that point, I couldn't help it, I just had to jump in. "Maybe that's because there's nothing to report."
---
I couldn't believe it. Here I was, pouring out my soul to her and she still didn't believe it. The monster in me was starting to get angry, pushing me to show her what I really was, but I suppressed it. I couldn't do that to her, not to her. Instead I just held out my hand and she took it. "No, Chloe, there is, there really is."
---
I didn't want to let him go. I wanted him to stay, to hold him and comfort him and tell him everything would be alright. But how could I convince him? He was convinced he was a monster and no matter what I was going to say, he wouldn't believe otherwise; I just needed to give him time, and to keep caring for him, to show him that I knew what he really was even if he didn't.
---
I wanted her to be right, for it to be true that I wasn't as bad as I thought I was, but I knew how bad I really was and she didn't. She hadn't been there; she hadn't seen the things I had done. She brought out the best in me; she had never seen the real me, the dark me, the one that everyone else feared. I had to show her who I really was, but I couldn't show her who I really was. Maybe it was better this way, for me to suffer silently and let her think I was good. What else could I do? The whole point of all of this was that I didn't want to hurt her. Should I just leave? Was it possible for me to stay with her?
I didn't know what to do and so I left, just for then. I would call her tomorrow. I would try again to explain. I would make her actually understand and if then she still wanted to stay, I would be the happiest man in the world.
---
He didn't call the next day and I didn't see him in the coffee shop, not for days. I tried calling him but I only got his voice mail. I thought about going to his work, but to be honest, I was a little afraid. Could they be true, the things he said? He had never been a monster to me. Could he really be a monster to others? Why would he even bother to tell me if I never saw it? Did he really think he would hurt me? When he had said that before I thought he meant in an emotional way, but after that night, I wondered if he really thought he was capable of hurting me physically.
I didn't see any hatred or anger in him. I would have never thought he was capable of hurting anyone. I still wanted to understand. I just couldn't believe any of it was true. That it was really happening. I finally resolved that if I hadn't heard from him by the end of that next weekend, I would go to work and see for myself what kind of man he claimed he really was.
---
I was angry and hurt and scared. I didn't go to work for three days for fear of how I might treat the people there. I really didn't want to get fired, not again. I wanted to be good I really did. Chloe made me good. I thought about it. I hadn't been doing so bad at work since I met her. In fact, a couple weeks ago, one of the other employees had actually smiled at me. Maybe I was getting better. She was making me better. It seemed I needed her. But how could I justify it? I needed her, but what possible use could she have for a man like me?
---
He showed up on my doorstep Sunday night. "I'm a mess," he said. That was it. That was all he had to say. I didn't know if he meant for exaggerating his problems or if he meant those problems themselves, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that it was him and he was there. No one made me feel so wonderful and beautiful and valued as he did. I knew I was all those things even without him, he just made me feel it so much stronger, and there was no one else I wanted to be with.
---
Any guilt or fear I may have felt melted away until there was only her and me, and when the sun came up the next day and we were still together, her lying in the bed next to me, actually turning to me and smiling, somehow it felt like everything was going to be okay. I didn't have to tell her all of it. I told her what I could and she loved me still. My strength. She loved me still.
---
Friday, June 15, 2012
Perspectives - Part 1
He smiled at me today. He's been coming into the coffee shop every morning for two weeks and this is the first time he seemed to notice me. I'm not sure he's noticed anything about me, but at least he noticed something. I've noticed his eyes the most, a piercing blue like tiny hot flames. I'd think he could gaze right through me. I know his name, too. I write it on his cup for him every day. "Andrew." I don't even have to ask for it any more. Maybe that's why he smiled. People like to be recognized, to feel known, even if they aren't.
What do I really know about Andrew? He always orders the same thing. Well, almost the same thing. The coffee's the same, but the muffin varies from day to day. I also know that he seems to be a business man of some sort. He's always wearing a suit and a tie. It looks like a pretty nice suit to me, not top of the line, but up there. Of course, I don't know much about suits. But anyway, even though he's a businessman and I've seen him take out a cell phone and look at it, he never places or receives any calls while he's in the coffee shop. Oh, and I know he's not married. That one is important. And he doesn't appear to be much older than me, so I imagine that he either has a pretty well off family or is doing pretty well himself, based on the way he looks, oh and the car he drives.
Now I know, this all seems very superficial. We haven't exchanged more than a few pleasantries aside from me taking his order. But there's something about him that intrigues him. I think I'd like to get to know him better, but it would be weird for me to ask him out, so I just have to keep exchanging the pleasantries, maybe step it up a little so he gets the idea, and wait for him to make his move.
---
I saw Chloe again this morning. It's already nice that it's Friday, but seeing her makes it even better. I know its ridiculous that I keep going back to this same coffee shop just to see her, but she's like a little ray of sunshine with her long blonde hair and green eyes. Today I think I made her blush. I don't really smile a lot, but I think I must have at her today from the way she looked back at me. I think she likes me, too. I really want to ask her out, but I'm afraid of what might happen, afraid she might find out what I really am. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems like I always do.
---
I was closing up the shop tonight when I saw Andrew for the first time outside my service role. He was walking down the opposite side of the street and as I turned away from the door I saw him stop and glance at me and then turn away and keep walking. I very nearly shouted out at him, but instead I just watched him go until he turned a corner a couple blocks down. He never looked back.
---
I saw a schedule behind the counter at the coffee shop the other day, saying who was closing each day. I had seen that the next day was Chloe so I decided I was going to go for a walk that evening and finally ask her out. I walked up and down the street opposite the coffee shop a few times waiting for her to come out, but when she finally did, she turned and looked right at me and I was overcome with such dread that I just couldn't do it. I talk a big talk at work and play the tough guy at work, but I can't even ask a pretty girl out. Really though, that's part of the reason why I can't ask a pretty girl out. She needs someone who can really be there for her. Not someone who's going to be asking for so much in return.
---
"Do you like me?"
I can't believe I actually walked up to him and asked him that today. He usually takes his coffee and muffin and goes, but today he sat down, right before my break time, and started reading a newspaper so I decided there was no better time than now. If he wasn't going to ask me out, maybe I should ask him out after all.
I think I saw him jump when I spoke those words, it seemed like he nearly spilled his coffee, but he recovered quickly as he set down the paper, pushed his coffee aside, and looked up at me with those deep, piercing eyes of his. And he smiled.
"Maybe I do," he said.
I fought to keep from smiling back. I probably looked ridiculous, but I powered on and asked him, "Then why haven't you asked me out?"
He actually laughed at that. He suddenly seemed more at ease than I had ever seen him and I realized he had just been waiting on me all along. "Why haven't you asked me out?" he asked, leaning back casually in his chair.
I decided I might as well smile at this point. "I think I am right now," I told him.
He rubbed his hand across his face, seeming to get a little nervous again, but then he looked back at me and said, "Dinner this Friday? 7pm?"
"I work until 8," I said.
"8pm then," he said. "I can meet you here and we can go somewhere nice."
"Not too nice if I'm going straight from work," I said.
"Well, we could always just get a cup of coffee," he said with a mischievious grin.
Suddenly I felt like I'd known Andrew for a very long time. I wanted to give him a playful punch, like you might to someone you're already dating and comfortable around, but I didn't. I just rolled my eyes at him and said, "Ha ha. If you want to give me time to go home and change I can meet you back here and we can get something a little stronger to drink."
"Stronger than coffee?" he asked in mock confusion.
"Is 9pm good?" I asked.
"You must not live far from here if all you need is an extra hour," he said.
I couldn't help myself as I leaned in closer and whispered, "Maybe if you're lucky you'll find out."
---
Chloe couldn't be a better girl for me. I was so worried that the pretty face meant a delicate soul. Too delicate for someone like me. But I found out today that she's bolder than I realized. While I was stewing about whether I could really ask her out, whether there was really a chance she could become part of my life, she made a move on me. I don't know what this is that I'm feeling. This isn't the first girl I've gone out with, but she's the first who's made me feel this way in a long time. When I first felt this way, I was so young I thought it was love. I forgot what it felt like. It can't be love, I hardly know her, but if it's not love, then what is it?
---
I've found I don't have to drink much to let guys think they're in control. One or two drinks and I can act drunk enough that I can see who they really are while still recognizing what's really happening. Andrew was strange when I started acting a little more giddy. He didn't seem as comfortable as he was before, like he was afraid something might happen, something I thought we both wanted to happen. Of course, I didn't want him to come on too strong, that's part of what I'm looking for with my little game. But I wanted him to at least show some interest, not completely retreat like he seemed to be doing. I finally had to break out of it and ask him what was wrong.
---
How could I tell her what was wrong? Here was this amazing girl sitting across from me, obviously acting drunker than she really was, giving me all the right signals, and I couldn't do anything. What was wrong was me. I was starting to think this was a big mistake. She couldn't be a part of who I was. She was far too good for me. So I just told her I was worn out and that we'd have to do this another time.
---
Well, he had seemed a little tired in the shop time morning, but on Wednesday when I had asked him out, he had seemed fine. Could his week really have gone downhill just like that? He was often quiet in the coffee shop, but this was different. And he had seemed excited for our date yesterday. I wasn't quite sure what was happening, but I was pretty sure there was something he wasn't telling me. I wanted to ask what was really wrong, but I didn't want to pressure him, but I didn't want to lose him before I'd even had a chance to see who he really was either.
"Tomorrow." I said.
He just stared at me. This wasn't the man I knew, little as I knew him, I knew he wasn't this.
"We'll do this again tomorrow," I said. "Get a good night's sleep and don't worry about whatever it is that's bothering you. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
---
I almost told her right there. She deserved to know, but I knew she wasn't ready yet. Instead I must smiled and touched her hand, gently, just enough to hopefully show her I did care. "Thank you," I said. "I promise you, someday you'll understand." And then I frowned again as I realized as I said those words that I really didn't want her to.
---
Date part two certainly went better than date part one. Andrew was like a totally different person. Well, he was more like the person I thought he was. We talked and smiled and flirted. He told me that he is in fact a business man of sorts. He works in marketing at a pet supply company. I asked him if he owned a pet and he said no, but seemed a little uncomfortable about it. Seemed like a strange thing to be uncomfortable about, especially if you worked with pet supplies, but I let it slide. Besides, I had a much better time hearing him tell me about the trip he took to Europe two years ago with one of his old buddies. At the end though, when I asked him if he still kept in touch with the friend, he seemed uncomfortable again. He seemed like a really nice guy, but I did think it was strange that he got uncomfortable when I asked questions that naturally flowed from the stories he told. I wasn't sure I was quite comfortable enough to invite him over yet, but I certainly wanted to see him again. There was a strange air of mystery about him, and I wanted to figure it out.
---
It had been too long since I'd gone on a proper date. I'd forgotten how much of my life was corrupted by things I didn't want to share on a first date, or even a second date, whichever this was. I wanted to tell her so much, but in the end I felt like I was saying so little. I could tell she wanted more, and it seemed like she didn't quite trust me. I wondered again if I should just call it off, but this was an amazing girl. If anyone would be able to not only help me but also make me truly happy, it was her. And I really truly hope that I could make her happy, too. I would just have to plan better next time. Figure out a little more what I could really say, and work my way up to the other stuff, as long as I could get her to stick around long enough to get to the other stuff.
---
He finally kissed me this time. It was our third date and he finally actually kissed me. It was a wonderful kiss, just perfect as far as first kisses go. It was outside my apartment building, after I finally decided he could walk me home. I just wanted to take in the moment, and I sighed as I opened my eyes to see him looking like he was about to cry. I started to frown, but then he smiled at me and said, "I'm sorry, I really am. You just make me so happy." I smiled back, kissed him on the check and said, "Good night." I suppose maybe I should have invited him in, but it didn't seem quite right somehow. He didn't protest or say anything. He just let me go and when I got up to my apartment and looked out the window for him, he was gone.
---
I felt bad lying to her. I really did. But how could I tell her that I was crying because I was afraid I was going to hurt her? And it wasn't really a lie, she did make me happy, it was just that thinking about how happy she made me made me sad instead. Can I never really be happy? Can I never really just be with someone without thinking about the past and how I'm going to ruin everything? Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time she'll be strong enough to say. How I hope she will.
---
I really can't figure him out. He's so witty and kind the one moment and then quite and almost frightening the next. Not frightening like I feel in danger or anything, just frightening like I don't know what he's thinking. I really want to know what he's thinking. I've invited him into my apartment a couple times now, but nothing's happened. I think he wants it to happen but it's like he's afraid. I know he's been with women before. The way he flirts with me, I'm sure he must have, and he's even let mention of a past girlfriend slip. So if he's been with other girls, what is it about me that makes him hesitate? What is he so afraid of? And is it a good thing or a bad thing? I really want to know, and I'm so close to asking him, but part of me is sure he'll just back away. So I just keep giving it time, letting myself appreciate all the wonderful things I've come to know about him, and doing my best to convince myself that whatever he's hiding can't be that bad. I'm just not sure how much longer I can wait.
---
I really want to tell her. It's been almost two months now and we haven't slept together even though I can tell she wants to and God knows I want to. I just don't feel right doing it like this. I've done it before I showed them every time before and they always left me. With Chloe, she deserves to know first, and she deserves to know soon, I just have to find the right way to tell her.
What do I really know about Andrew? He always orders the same thing. Well, almost the same thing. The coffee's the same, but the muffin varies from day to day. I also know that he seems to be a business man of some sort. He's always wearing a suit and a tie. It looks like a pretty nice suit to me, not top of the line, but up there. Of course, I don't know much about suits. But anyway, even though he's a businessman and I've seen him take out a cell phone and look at it, he never places or receives any calls while he's in the coffee shop. Oh, and I know he's not married. That one is important. And he doesn't appear to be much older than me, so I imagine that he either has a pretty well off family or is doing pretty well himself, based on the way he looks, oh and the car he drives.
Now I know, this all seems very superficial. We haven't exchanged more than a few pleasantries aside from me taking his order. But there's something about him that intrigues him. I think I'd like to get to know him better, but it would be weird for me to ask him out, so I just have to keep exchanging the pleasantries, maybe step it up a little so he gets the idea, and wait for him to make his move.
---
I saw Chloe again this morning. It's already nice that it's Friday, but seeing her makes it even better. I know its ridiculous that I keep going back to this same coffee shop just to see her, but she's like a little ray of sunshine with her long blonde hair and green eyes. Today I think I made her blush. I don't really smile a lot, but I think I must have at her today from the way she looked back at me. I think she likes me, too. I really want to ask her out, but I'm afraid of what might happen, afraid she might find out what I really am. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems like I always do.
---
I was closing up the shop tonight when I saw Andrew for the first time outside my service role. He was walking down the opposite side of the street and as I turned away from the door I saw him stop and glance at me and then turn away and keep walking. I very nearly shouted out at him, but instead I just watched him go until he turned a corner a couple blocks down. He never looked back.
---
I saw a schedule behind the counter at the coffee shop the other day, saying who was closing each day. I had seen that the next day was Chloe so I decided I was going to go for a walk that evening and finally ask her out. I walked up and down the street opposite the coffee shop a few times waiting for her to come out, but when she finally did, she turned and looked right at me and I was overcome with such dread that I just couldn't do it. I talk a big talk at work and play the tough guy at work, but I can't even ask a pretty girl out. Really though, that's part of the reason why I can't ask a pretty girl out. She needs someone who can really be there for her. Not someone who's going to be asking for so much in return.
---
"Do you like me?"
I can't believe I actually walked up to him and asked him that today. He usually takes his coffee and muffin and goes, but today he sat down, right before my break time, and started reading a newspaper so I decided there was no better time than now. If he wasn't going to ask me out, maybe I should ask him out after all.
I think I saw him jump when I spoke those words, it seemed like he nearly spilled his coffee, but he recovered quickly as he set down the paper, pushed his coffee aside, and looked up at me with those deep, piercing eyes of his. And he smiled.
"Maybe I do," he said.
I fought to keep from smiling back. I probably looked ridiculous, but I powered on and asked him, "Then why haven't you asked me out?"
He actually laughed at that. He suddenly seemed more at ease than I had ever seen him and I realized he had just been waiting on me all along. "Why haven't you asked me out?" he asked, leaning back casually in his chair.
I decided I might as well smile at this point. "I think I am right now," I told him.
He rubbed his hand across his face, seeming to get a little nervous again, but then he looked back at me and said, "Dinner this Friday? 7pm?"
"I work until 8," I said.
"8pm then," he said. "I can meet you here and we can go somewhere nice."
"Not too nice if I'm going straight from work," I said.
"Well, we could always just get a cup of coffee," he said with a mischievious grin.
Suddenly I felt like I'd known Andrew for a very long time. I wanted to give him a playful punch, like you might to someone you're already dating and comfortable around, but I didn't. I just rolled my eyes at him and said, "Ha ha. If you want to give me time to go home and change I can meet you back here and we can get something a little stronger to drink."
"Stronger than coffee?" he asked in mock confusion.
"Is 9pm good?" I asked.
"You must not live far from here if all you need is an extra hour," he said.
I couldn't help myself as I leaned in closer and whispered, "Maybe if you're lucky you'll find out."
---
Chloe couldn't be a better girl for me. I was so worried that the pretty face meant a delicate soul. Too delicate for someone like me. But I found out today that she's bolder than I realized. While I was stewing about whether I could really ask her out, whether there was really a chance she could become part of my life, she made a move on me. I don't know what this is that I'm feeling. This isn't the first girl I've gone out with, but she's the first who's made me feel this way in a long time. When I first felt this way, I was so young I thought it was love. I forgot what it felt like. It can't be love, I hardly know her, but if it's not love, then what is it?
---
I've found I don't have to drink much to let guys think they're in control. One or two drinks and I can act drunk enough that I can see who they really are while still recognizing what's really happening. Andrew was strange when I started acting a little more giddy. He didn't seem as comfortable as he was before, like he was afraid something might happen, something I thought we both wanted to happen. Of course, I didn't want him to come on too strong, that's part of what I'm looking for with my little game. But I wanted him to at least show some interest, not completely retreat like he seemed to be doing. I finally had to break out of it and ask him what was wrong.
---
How could I tell her what was wrong? Here was this amazing girl sitting across from me, obviously acting drunker than she really was, giving me all the right signals, and I couldn't do anything. What was wrong was me. I was starting to think this was a big mistake. She couldn't be a part of who I was. She was far too good for me. So I just told her I was worn out and that we'd have to do this another time.
---
Well, he had seemed a little tired in the shop time morning, but on Wednesday when I had asked him out, he had seemed fine. Could his week really have gone downhill just like that? He was often quiet in the coffee shop, but this was different. And he had seemed excited for our date yesterday. I wasn't quite sure what was happening, but I was pretty sure there was something he wasn't telling me. I wanted to ask what was really wrong, but I didn't want to pressure him, but I didn't want to lose him before I'd even had a chance to see who he really was either.
"Tomorrow." I said.
He just stared at me. This wasn't the man I knew, little as I knew him, I knew he wasn't this.
"We'll do this again tomorrow," I said. "Get a good night's sleep and don't worry about whatever it is that's bothering you. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
---
I almost told her right there. She deserved to know, but I knew she wasn't ready yet. Instead I must smiled and touched her hand, gently, just enough to hopefully show her I did care. "Thank you," I said. "I promise you, someday you'll understand." And then I frowned again as I realized as I said those words that I really didn't want her to.
---
Date part two certainly went better than date part one. Andrew was like a totally different person. Well, he was more like the person I thought he was. We talked and smiled and flirted. He told me that he is in fact a business man of sorts. He works in marketing at a pet supply company. I asked him if he owned a pet and he said no, but seemed a little uncomfortable about it. Seemed like a strange thing to be uncomfortable about, especially if you worked with pet supplies, but I let it slide. Besides, I had a much better time hearing him tell me about the trip he took to Europe two years ago with one of his old buddies. At the end though, when I asked him if he still kept in touch with the friend, he seemed uncomfortable again. He seemed like a really nice guy, but I did think it was strange that he got uncomfortable when I asked questions that naturally flowed from the stories he told. I wasn't sure I was quite comfortable enough to invite him over yet, but I certainly wanted to see him again. There was a strange air of mystery about him, and I wanted to figure it out.
---
It had been too long since I'd gone on a proper date. I'd forgotten how much of my life was corrupted by things I didn't want to share on a first date, or even a second date, whichever this was. I wanted to tell her so much, but in the end I felt like I was saying so little. I could tell she wanted more, and it seemed like she didn't quite trust me. I wondered again if I should just call it off, but this was an amazing girl. If anyone would be able to not only help me but also make me truly happy, it was her. And I really truly hope that I could make her happy, too. I would just have to plan better next time. Figure out a little more what I could really say, and work my way up to the other stuff, as long as I could get her to stick around long enough to get to the other stuff.
---
He finally kissed me this time. It was our third date and he finally actually kissed me. It was a wonderful kiss, just perfect as far as first kisses go. It was outside my apartment building, after I finally decided he could walk me home. I just wanted to take in the moment, and I sighed as I opened my eyes to see him looking like he was about to cry. I started to frown, but then he smiled at me and said, "I'm sorry, I really am. You just make me so happy." I smiled back, kissed him on the check and said, "Good night." I suppose maybe I should have invited him in, but it didn't seem quite right somehow. He didn't protest or say anything. He just let me go and when I got up to my apartment and looked out the window for him, he was gone.
---
I felt bad lying to her. I really did. But how could I tell her that I was crying because I was afraid I was going to hurt her? And it wasn't really a lie, she did make me happy, it was just that thinking about how happy she made me made me sad instead. Can I never really be happy? Can I never really just be with someone without thinking about the past and how I'm going to ruin everything? Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time she'll be strong enough to say. How I hope she will.
---
I really can't figure him out. He's so witty and kind the one moment and then quite and almost frightening the next. Not frightening like I feel in danger or anything, just frightening like I don't know what he's thinking. I really want to know what he's thinking. I've invited him into my apartment a couple times now, but nothing's happened. I think he wants it to happen but it's like he's afraid. I know he's been with women before. The way he flirts with me, I'm sure he must have, and he's even let mention of a past girlfriend slip. So if he's been with other girls, what is it about me that makes him hesitate? What is he so afraid of? And is it a good thing or a bad thing? I really want to know, and I'm so close to asking him, but part of me is sure he'll just back away. So I just keep giving it time, letting myself appreciate all the wonderful things I've come to know about him, and doing my best to convince myself that whatever he's hiding can't be that bad. I'm just not sure how much longer I can wait.
---
I really want to tell her. It's been almost two months now and we haven't slept together even though I can tell she wants to and God knows I want to. I just don't feel right doing it like this. I've done it before I showed them every time before and they always left me. With Chloe, she deserves to know first, and she deserves to know soon, I just have to find the right way to tell her.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Forever
Everyone wants to live forever, but why do they want to do it in this dirty, depressing world?
What other option is there?
I don't know. Maybe there's something more, something we can't see, something besides all of this.
Not this again.
Is it really so hard to believe? Centuries ago people had no knowledge of so many things that we take for granted today. Maybe there is still more we have yet to discover.
Yes, but you're talking about some sort of spiritual world on another plane of existence. All the scientific knowledge we've uncovered can be explained by science. You can't use our growing scientific knowledge to say it's possible there's some non-scientific knowledge we have yet to discover.
First of all, it doesn't have to be a fully spiritual world as you put it. And even if it is "spiritual" maybe there is something physical, something scientific to it. Maybe we just don't have the tools to observe it, maybe we never will. Maybe everything does link back to something physical, but it's so intertwined so deeply connected that there are even today things we know to be true that we can't link to physics quite so easily.
Like what?
Like emotions. I say something mean to someone and they cry. Why is that? We know it happens, we know it has something to do with the brain. Can you explain it in great detail, they physical process that makes that happen?
No, but I suppose there is probably someone who can, or at least will be one day.
Sure. And I'm not saying that no one could ever understand this other world, this something more that there might be, I'm just saying that we don't, in our limited current state. Just like you don't understand the physics of emotion, you also don't understand what more could be out there. Our knowledge is so limited that we don't even know what we don't know.
None of this is proving anything. You can postulate all you want that there is something better than this world. Anyone can say there could be something more that they can't detect or explain. You could never conclude whether they are right or wrong because the very nature of their claim is that it can't be proven.
I never said anything about proof. Just about possibility.
Exactly, and I'm saying that's not good enough for me. Anything is possible in a sense, but our world is based on logic. You could say it's possible the sun will explode tomorrow, but due to our observations of the universe so far, I can say that it's so unlikely as to be practically impossible.
I understand everything you're saying. It appeals to me even. I want to understand everything. I want there to be a logic explanation to it all. I want to be able to say "this is" and "this isn't". Sometimes though, the evidence is inconclusive. I'm not asking you to blindly believe something that makes no sense. There is a certain sense, some degree of evidence, for this possibility of something more.
What evidence?
Well, I admit, most of it isn't the hard physical evidence that you're probably looking for. Some of it is the very complexity of this world, broken though it is. Sure, it makes some sense that it would arise naturally, but other times I wonder if that's really all there is to it: random chance and happenstance. What makes us even aware of all the complexity? Why is that even necessary to our survival? Is there something more prompting us, guiding us to seek more knowledge about the world? Why do we know so much and yet so little? I know you'll say that doesn't prove anything.
It doesn't.
But it makes you think. Or at least it makes me think.
Okay fine, whatever. You can marvel at the world and wonder if there might be some higher power that had a hand in putting it together all you want. I choose not to buy into any of that and I don't see how you can hope to change my mind.
I'm not trying to change your mind. I don't even know where my own mind stands on the issue. It's just interesting and makes me wonder. It makes lots of other people wonder, too.
So?
So, there are lots of people who have felt something more. Not just crazy people, but normal otherwise rational people, too. They've felt a sense of something greater. They've found peace from it, even. Yes, I suppose they could just be imagining it all, but what if they aren't? And so what if they are?
Well, if they are, they're believing in a lie. They're delusional and wasting they're life on a fantasy.
Ah, but if this life is all we have, and it's so tiny, so finite, what does it really matter if we waste it?
What do you mean what does it matter? Of course it matters! If this life is the only thing we have, we have to make the most of it! We have to live, love, enjoy it, make it better for others. We fight to preserve this life. It's what we do. It's in our nature! It's how we survive.
But it's all so small and sad. Don't you want there to be something more?
Well, I suppose, maybe that would be nice. But wanting something doesn't make it true.
And fearing something doesn't make it untrue.
What is it you think I'm afraid of?
I don't know. That's between you, and well, if there's really nothing more, just you.
What's that supposed to mean?
You believe that what you can observe, or at least what you could hope to one day observe, is all there is, right?
Yes.
So what if there is something you could one day hope to observe that you're just completely ignoring and that thing is the most important thing of all and you just don't realize it, even though other people are trying to tell you that they are convinced it exists, you just ignore them because you haven't seen it for yourself.
I feel like we're going in circles. Didn't we already talk about all this proof and evidence crap?
Sort-of, but I'm trying to approach it from a slightly different angle. Now this thing that these other people tell you exists, it's a good thing, a wonderful thing, a thing that makes life better, both now and for what they call eternity. But you don't believe there is an eternity and based on that, you don't buy into anything else they're saying.
Yeah. It all just sounds ridiculous to me.
Right. But what if you're wrong?
Then I'm wrong. But I know I'm not.
But how do you know that?
Well, I mean, I haven't seen it.
Do you think that there is anything in this would that you've never seen and yet it exists?
Of course there is! I have a very limited scope and view. There are tons of things that exist that I've never seen.
So why can't this other thing, this being or entity, or even just the concept of eternity be one of those things?
Because it doesn't make sense!
It doesn't? Why do the other things you believe exist but have never seen make sense?
Because other people have seen those things! There's proof and data to back them up!
Okay, do you believe it's possible there are things that no one has seen that could yet exist.
Yes, I suppose...
Why can't this be one of those things?
We went over this already! There's no physical aspect, nothing to see, because it doesn't exist!
But people have felt it, observed it. You are just going to throw that out entirely because you haven't observed it personally?
Whatever you're talking about is supposedly eternal and infinite. If it's so infinite, if it's everywhere, wouldn't everyone sense it?
Maybe, maybe not. That's a fair objection, but I don't think it's at all conclusive.
None of this is conclusive!
Okay, well, I think we have mostly gone in a circle now, though that's not what I intended. Let's get back to what I was trying to say before.
Okay fine. Whatever.
I'm not trying to upset you. I'm trying to have a thoughtful and intelligent conversations.
Yeah I know. It just seems so...
So what?
I don't know. Ridiculous?
I don't think it's that ridiculous, but even if it is, there are plenty of other ridiculous things in this world.
Okay. Fair enough, I suppose. What were you really trying to say before?
I just wanted to raise a thought, and this is not really my own, I got it from someone else mind you, but what is it really that makes us so resistant to believing there is something more to this existence?
I don't know. Because the evidence indicates this is all there is?
I've already expressed my thought that there is evidence to the contrary. I'm not talking about that anymore. I'm just wondering from a deeper intellectual level, what's the harm in believing there's something more?
I told you before, it's a waste of time. A waste of energy and resources.
But is it really? Sure, the belief itself might turn out to be a waste, but a belief in something more should really prompt people to help one another, at least that's what I've seen. This greater power, this something more, is usually kind and loving and is meant to bring out the best in people. So if there is something out there, even if it's not really out there, that does give people extra motivation to help one another, isn't it worth it for them to believe in that thing, to draw on its power, whether real or imaginary, to make this world a better place?
That sounds nice, but it sounds like you're okay with people believing a lie that way.
Well, I do want people to know what is true. I don't want to intentionally deceive people. But I think we can agree that this is an area where opinions vary. You can't prove it one way or the other, I think we've established that. But if people are convinced of this something more and it serves to make the world a better place even if it doesn't actually exist, why should we deter them.
I suppose you're right. There's no harm in believing in something that ultimately leads you to make life better for others, as long as your belief doesn't end up hurting others in the end. But what if this belief does end up hurting others in the end? And what about those who don't share the belief?
Well, it seems like if the belief is carried out in it's true spirit, it won't hurt anyone. And I admit, those who don't share the belief may have to suffer some annoyance from those who do believe it.
Much as I am suffering from you.
And I do apologize for that. But that leads into my next thought. If those people who believe in this greater power are really right, isn't it worth some minor annoyances from them if they are ultimately able to bring people to this "something more" along with them?
But if they're wrong, the annoyances are just annoyances and were a total waste of time.
We don't have that much time anyway.
Which is why we should make the most of every moment!
And isn't that what they're trying to do?
In their own misguided way.
But what if it's not misguided? What if they actually do understand and know something that you and I don't? What if there really is more to this life and they have the key? Isn't it worth wasting a little of our time now if there's a possibility of something greater than you could ever imagine, and more than that, something both greater and eternal?
If I could be convinced of it, and if my conviction it was right, it would totally be worth it. But I don't think I could ever be convinced of it.
But don't you want to be convinced of it, and don't you want it to be right? Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were true?
I suppose it would be. But how can we know one way or the other?
We can't.
Exactly. And I want to know.
Why is knowing so important? Why can't believing be enough?
I don't know.
Well, I suppose that says it all.
I don't think I feel like thinking about this anymore right now.
That's okay. I'll still be around tomorrow, at least I believe I will based on probability and prior observations.
Ha ha.
I wasn't trying to be funny.
You're really starting to believe in some of this, aren't you? This forever stuff?
I think maybe I am.
I never would have thought you would.
I think there are lots of things no one would have thought of.
What other option is there?
I don't know. Maybe there's something more, something we can't see, something besides all of this.
Not this again.
Is it really so hard to believe? Centuries ago people had no knowledge of so many things that we take for granted today. Maybe there is still more we have yet to discover.
Yes, but you're talking about some sort of spiritual world on another plane of existence. All the scientific knowledge we've uncovered can be explained by science. You can't use our growing scientific knowledge to say it's possible there's some non-scientific knowledge we have yet to discover.
First of all, it doesn't have to be a fully spiritual world as you put it. And even if it is "spiritual" maybe there is something physical, something scientific to it. Maybe we just don't have the tools to observe it, maybe we never will. Maybe everything does link back to something physical, but it's so intertwined so deeply connected that there are even today things we know to be true that we can't link to physics quite so easily.
Like what?
Like emotions. I say something mean to someone and they cry. Why is that? We know it happens, we know it has something to do with the brain. Can you explain it in great detail, they physical process that makes that happen?
No, but I suppose there is probably someone who can, or at least will be one day.
Sure. And I'm not saying that no one could ever understand this other world, this something more that there might be, I'm just saying that we don't, in our limited current state. Just like you don't understand the physics of emotion, you also don't understand what more could be out there. Our knowledge is so limited that we don't even know what we don't know.
None of this is proving anything. You can postulate all you want that there is something better than this world. Anyone can say there could be something more that they can't detect or explain. You could never conclude whether they are right or wrong because the very nature of their claim is that it can't be proven.
I never said anything about proof. Just about possibility.
Exactly, and I'm saying that's not good enough for me. Anything is possible in a sense, but our world is based on logic. You could say it's possible the sun will explode tomorrow, but due to our observations of the universe so far, I can say that it's so unlikely as to be practically impossible.
I understand everything you're saying. It appeals to me even. I want to understand everything. I want there to be a logic explanation to it all. I want to be able to say "this is" and "this isn't". Sometimes though, the evidence is inconclusive. I'm not asking you to blindly believe something that makes no sense. There is a certain sense, some degree of evidence, for this possibility of something more.
What evidence?
Well, I admit, most of it isn't the hard physical evidence that you're probably looking for. Some of it is the very complexity of this world, broken though it is. Sure, it makes some sense that it would arise naturally, but other times I wonder if that's really all there is to it: random chance and happenstance. What makes us even aware of all the complexity? Why is that even necessary to our survival? Is there something more prompting us, guiding us to seek more knowledge about the world? Why do we know so much and yet so little? I know you'll say that doesn't prove anything.
It doesn't.
But it makes you think. Or at least it makes me think.
Okay fine, whatever. You can marvel at the world and wonder if there might be some higher power that had a hand in putting it together all you want. I choose not to buy into any of that and I don't see how you can hope to change my mind.
I'm not trying to change your mind. I don't even know where my own mind stands on the issue. It's just interesting and makes me wonder. It makes lots of other people wonder, too.
So?
So, there are lots of people who have felt something more. Not just crazy people, but normal otherwise rational people, too. They've felt a sense of something greater. They've found peace from it, even. Yes, I suppose they could just be imagining it all, but what if they aren't? And so what if they are?
Well, if they are, they're believing in a lie. They're delusional and wasting they're life on a fantasy.
Ah, but if this life is all we have, and it's so tiny, so finite, what does it really matter if we waste it?
What do you mean what does it matter? Of course it matters! If this life is the only thing we have, we have to make the most of it! We have to live, love, enjoy it, make it better for others. We fight to preserve this life. It's what we do. It's in our nature! It's how we survive.
But it's all so small and sad. Don't you want there to be something more?
Well, I suppose, maybe that would be nice. But wanting something doesn't make it true.
And fearing something doesn't make it untrue.
What is it you think I'm afraid of?
I don't know. That's between you, and well, if there's really nothing more, just you.
What's that supposed to mean?
You believe that what you can observe, or at least what you could hope to one day observe, is all there is, right?
Yes.
So what if there is something you could one day hope to observe that you're just completely ignoring and that thing is the most important thing of all and you just don't realize it, even though other people are trying to tell you that they are convinced it exists, you just ignore them because you haven't seen it for yourself.
I feel like we're going in circles. Didn't we already talk about all this proof and evidence crap?
Sort-of, but I'm trying to approach it from a slightly different angle. Now this thing that these other people tell you exists, it's a good thing, a wonderful thing, a thing that makes life better, both now and for what they call eternity. But you don't believe there is an eternity and based on that, you don't buy into anything else they're saying.
Yeah. It all just sounds ridiculous to me.
Right. But what if you're wrong?
Then I'm wrong. But I know I'm not.
But how do you know that?
Well, I mean, I haven't seen it.
Do you think that there is anything in this would that you've never seen and yet it exists?
Of course there is! I have a very limited scope and view. There are tons of things that exist that I've never seen.
So why can't this other thing, this being or entity, or even just the concept of eternity be one of those things?
Because it doesn't make sense!
It doesn't? Why do the other things you believe exist but have never seen make sense?
Because other people have seen those things! There's proof and data to back them up!
Okay, do you believe it's possible there are things that no one has seen that could yet exist.
Yes, I suppose...
Why can't this be one of those things?
We went over this already! There's no physical aspect, nothing to see, because it doesn't exist!
But people have felt it, observed it. You are just going to throw that out entirely because you haven't observed it personally?
Whatever you're talking about is supposedly eternal and infinite. If it's so infinite, if it's everywhere, wouldn't everyone sense it?
Maybe, maybe not. That's a fair objection, but I don't think it's at all conclusive.
None of this is conclusive!
Okay, well, I think we have mostly gone in a circle now, though that's not what I intended. Let's get back to what I was trying to say before.
Okay fine. Whatever.
I'm not trying to upset you. I'm trying to have a thoughtful and intelligent conversations.
Yeah I know. It just seems so...
So what?
I don't know. Ridiculous?
I don't think it's that ridiculous, but even if it is, there are plenty of other ridiculous things in this world.
Okay. Fair enough, I suppose. What were you really trying to say before?
I just wanted to raise a thought, and this is not really my own, I got it from someone else mind you, but what is it really that makes us so resistant to believing there is something more to this existence?
I don't know. Because the evidence indicates this is all there is?
I've already expressed my thought that there is evidence to the contrary. I'm not talking about that anymore. I'm just wondering from a deeper intellectual level, what's the harm in believing there's something more?
I told you before, it's a waste of time. A waste of energy and resources.
But is it really? Sure, the belief itself might turn out to be a waste, but a belief in something more should really prompt people to help one another, at least that's what I've seen. This greater power, this something more, is usually kind and loving and is meant to bring out the best in people. So if there is something out there, even if it's not really out there, that does give people extra motivation to help one another, isn't it worth it for them to believe in that thing, to draw on its power, whether real or imaginary, to make this world a better place?
That sounds nice, but it sounds like you're okay with people believing a lie that way.
Well, I do want people to know what is true. I don't want to intentionally deceive people. But I think we can agree that this is an area where opinions vary. You can't prove it one way or the other, I think we've established that. But if people are convinced of this something more and it serves to make the world a better place even if it doesn't actually exist, why should we deter them.
I suppose you're right. There's no harm in believing in something that ultimately leads you to make life better for others, as long as your belief doesn't end up hurting others in the end. But what if this belief does end up hurting others in the end? And what about those who don't share the belief?
Well, it seems like if the belief is carried out in it's true spirit, it won't hurt anyone. And I admit, those who don't share the belief may have to suffer some annoyance from those who do believe it.
Much as I am suffering from you.
And I do apologize for that. But that leads into my next thought. If those people who believe in this greater power are really right, isn't it worth some minor annoyances from them if they are ultimately able to bring people to this "something more" along with them?
But if they're wrong, the annoyances are just annoyances and were a total waste of time.
We don't have that much time anyway.
Which is why we should make the most of every moment!
And isn't that what they're trying to do?
In their own misguided way.
But what if it's not misguided? What if they actually do understand and know something that you and I don't? What if there really is more to this life and they have the key? Isn't it worth wasting a little of our time now if there's a possibility of something greater than you could ever imagine, and more than that, something both greater and eternal?
If I could be convinced of it, and if my conviction it was right, it would totally be worth it. But I don't think I could ever be convinced of it.
But don't you want to be convinced of it, and don't you want it to be right? Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were true?
I suppose it would be. But how can we know one way or the other?
We can't.
Exactly. And I want to know.
Why is knowing so important? Why can't believing be enough?
I don't know.
Well, I suppose that says it all.
I don't think I feel like thinking about this anymore right now.
That's okay. I'll still be around tomorrow, at least I believe I will based on probability and prior observations.
Ha ha.
I wasn't trying to be funny.
You're really starting to believe in some of this, aren't you? This forever stuff?
I think maybe I am.
I never would have thought you would.
I think there are lots of things no one would have thought of.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Just Write
To get better at something you should just do it and so I have to just write, about nothing about anything. I have to write about something. I just write whatever comes to mind. I write about a writer who has nothing to write about. Is all of this alright? Is it alright to use write so often in so many sentences. It all goes around in circles. There was finally a sentence without the words write or right in them! So little to say, but I have to keep saying it. The only way we get better is to just write whatever.
Distractions, semi-distractions. Maybe I might want to do other things, but this is okay. Sometimes all you see is your own soul. Pause.
Distractions, semi-distractions. Maybe I might want to do other things, but this is okay. Sometimes all you see is your own soul. Pause.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Party of Five
And so we set out on our journey. There were five of us: a student of the blackest majicks, young but full of an almost frightening confidence; a healer from ancient and far off lands, solemn and reflective in a way that made him seem beyond wise; an archer, new to the quest but not to the hunt; a rogue of a woman, silent and beautiful and not to be trusted too greatly; and me, a warrior, seasoned in battle, cautious, and grateful to those who would join their lives to my own.
The journey, we knew, would be long and hard, so we came well prepared. I brought multiple axes with me, in case one should break. The healer had potions and ointments that would last for months. We had a pack mule with us at the start to carry the water and food, and the archer assured us he could easily hunt more if need be. Spirits were high and we were optimistic as we set on our way.
At first, the trek was easier than we would have expected. The roads were easy to navigate, and we only encountered a couple of petty bandits, easily disposed. There was even a strange beauty is some of the things we saw: a stream through woods, mountains rising in the distance, a small collective of flowers I had never seen before. And though we were nearly complete strangers when we set out, I grew to learn some small things about those who journeyed with me.
The dark sorcerer liked puppies, the healer had a wife and baby back home, the archer aspired to be like his father, and even the rogue let drop that she had been in a relationship or two before, though she could have been lying.
Knowing what I came to know about all of them made our first real challenge all the more meaningful. Some might call it weakness, revealing these small things about ourselves to one another. But I think it made us stronger, and more united as a group. We might not always agree on things, but knowing those details made my companions real to me, and proud to fight beside them. Our victory was made sweeter because we accomplished it together, and destroying the first true monster to step in our way was just something that had to be done, the smile the rogue gave me and the yelp of excitement from the archer were what made it real.
It seems strange that five people coming from such different backgrounds and lands would get along so well, but as time passed on and we shared meals and stories, I felt like these adventurers were a part of me. If I had thought our quest would end in the death of any one of them, I would have turned back immediately. But they were strong and brave, and less foolish than I, except that they all trusted me.
I was, after all, the one who had gathered this party together. The great evil living in the mountains had to be stopped, for one thing, and for another, there was great treasure and honor to be had in dispatching him. I think each of them displayed a primary concern over the treasure and honor, but each had some reason to care about the evil itself as well, though perhaps not as much as I did. I would have gladly given up my share of the treasure and sunk quietly into forgetfulness if that had made it any easier to destroy the evil that had destroyed my life.
As we journeyed onwards, things did begin to get darker. The first misstep was when the sorcerer twisted his foot in a small crevice as we were venturing up a mountain. This was easily healed by the cleric, but it concerned me nonetheless. It seemed a bad omen for a member of the party to be injured apart from battle.
The next mishap occurred when the archer went out hunting one evening and the rogue ventured out to gather some berries, having somewhat of a cute craving for some fresh fruit. The archer came back carrying her with tears in his eyes. She looked only mildly annoyed with the arrow sticking out of her foot, but I was plenty angry for the both of us. The archer nearly turned back right there, but she herself reassured him that all was forgiven and the cleric displayed once again his ease in healing. It made me wonder what we would ever go without him, but I tried to put such thoughts out of my head. The rogue herself had some limited knowledge of mundane healing, after all, and the sorcerer assured me he could study some more non-conventional healing spells if need be, and so we put this incident behind us as well and ventured onwards.
Things were not quite the same after that, however. The others seemed more hesitant around me. I don't really know why I should be the one to blame, but the archer seemed much more frightened of me than of the rogue. Eventually, I realized something had to be done so in the evening around the campfire, I apologized. A strong, intimidating man such as myself never cries, but I still truly felt the meaning and truth of my words as I said I was sorry for my overreactions and my fears and that we had to all work together, including myself.
The same smile the rogue had given me before reappeared and the archer looked like a great burden had been lifted off his shoulders. The cleric and the sorcerer remained mostly silent, but they seemed more at ease as well, and the next day we seemed to venture onwards with a new confidence. The next thing to go wrong after that was that our mule ran off, but I kept my cool, assured the party it was no one's fault, and pointed out we were nearly to our destination anyway. The sorcerer even stated that if need be, he could teleport us most of the way back to town after our battle was won. I wondered why he had not mentioned this before, but chose to simply be grateful for this new bit of information.
The night before our encounter, my dreams were haunted, as I'm sure were those of all the other party members as well. This close to the powerful false king and he surely knew we were somewhere nearby and sent visions to haunt us. We were strong, though, and although the archer seemed nearly ready to bolt in the morning, the rogue and cleric reassured him that all would be well. Their words reassured me as well until the sorcerer gave me a look. He, being a somewhat more noble practitioner of the dark arts himself, seemed to know there was great danger ahead, to recognize it more strongly than the others, but despite seeing this in his look, I chose to press onward. We had gone too far now to turn back, and I still felt with all my heart that we could triumph.
The next night, the sorcerer cast a spell that guarded us against the dreams, and we awoke the next morning more refreshed than we had ever been before. We met our enemy not long after dawn.
It started with quite a bit of luck, in fact. We had not entirely planned to fight the battle that day, but the rogue sneaked ahead and reported back that the man himself was out alone, taking a bath apparently. I suppose even the blackest of evil prefers not to be covered with the blackest of dirt. I imagine he could have majicked himself clean, but perhaps he did not waste any of his power on such frivolous things, or perhaps he simply enjoyed the feel of a hot spring.
At any rate, we managed to get the jump on him. The rogue sneaked up from behind and the archer prepared his arrow and the sorcerer his spell just so that all could fire at the same time as I charged in just at that moment as well.
We caught him so by surprise and he screamed with such rage as the first two attacks and the sorcerer's holding spell landed nearly simultaneously, followed closely by my axe lodging itself into his neck. For a split second, I thought he was done for right there. I know how much power can come from armor and clothing, and this creature was completely naked. Perhaps we had weakened him so much right there that we could simply finish him before he had a chance to do much of anything.
How wrong I was.
The details of the battle remain fuzzy. I do know that the cleric worked so valiantly, trying to keep the others alive. The evil king was no fool, and he realized this, making it his purpose to find and destroy the cleric, which he did in less than a minute. I could tell he was quite weak by that point, but with our primary healer down, his attacks against us were more meaningful and we simply could not destroy him quickly enough. The rogue was the next to fall, being at close range, and then the archer. Then it was just me and the sorcerer, dark majick against dark majick and an axe. I knew my sorcerer friend could revive the others, and I knew he understood what we were up against better than any of them had, and so even then, I believed deep in my heart that we could succeed.
The majick fired back and forth, the sorcerer firing and then doing his best to heal himself while I drove my axe in again and again. I thought we had nearly won, when the evil king laughed and I realized he had simply been toying with us up to this point. With his cackle, he called up beasts from the ground which rushed the other majician and left him lying on the ground without any life in him. It was that final and crushing act that made me scream. I didn't care anymore. All my friends were dead and I had no way to revive them. And they were my friends. They had not been before, but I had let them become friends, and then led them to the slaughter.
I shouted at the top of my lungs and with the all the tears I had never cried steaming down my face, I rushed at the evil king who had, for a second time, destroyed everything dear to me. The minions sunk back into the ground at his will and it was just him and me. I thought perhaps he was giving me pity and allowing me a fair fight, but he didn't even want to fight. He wanted to let me live.
As I rushed to him. He grabbed my arm and squeezed with a strength I did not think possible for a majician to replicate. I had to drop my weapon, and as I swung my other fist around to punch him, he grabbed that arm as well. "Why have you come here, son?" he demanded in a snarl. "I told you never to cross me again."
"You must answer for your crimes!" I shouted.
"What crimes?" he demanded. "Leaving your mother to come live in peace? The woman was a whore."
"She was not a whore!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "You know nothing of the people you have destroyed."
"Destroyed?!" His laugh was insultingly merry with that. I did not think it possible for such an evil man to have such a normal sounding laugh, but the fact that he made it so normal sounding made him even more evil. "I haven't destroyed anyone!"
"What about my friends?" I demanded.
His brow wrinkled in mock confusion. "What friends?" he asked.
I looked around to point out the four friends he had murdered and saw their bodies were gone. I had not seen him cast any spell, nor felt any additional presence, but he had done something with them. He had destroyed them beyond repair, made them so they had never existed.
"What did you do to them?!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, kicking my feet but finding him just outside my reach.
"Garrett," he said, speaking my name so softly that I hated him more than I ever had before. "They never existed."
I live trapped in a cage now, unable to escape. This evil creature keeps me alive for some unknown reason and continually tries to convince me that I made my friends up, that my party of five was always just a party of one. He mocks carrying for me, even claims to be my father. I know it's all lies and majical mind tricks. I am strong, and so I resist them most days. Every night I dream of all I have lost. First of my mother and younger brother, destroyed in mind, body, and soul by this most wicked of men, and then by the companions who became some of my dearest friends, wiped off the face of the earth as if they were never there to begin with.
On the best days, I still hold out hope that they somehow survived. They were not dead, but near death, and while my back was turned away from them, they sneaked out, one by one and are regaining their strength to come and rescue me. But even if this were true, why would they care enough to rescue me? They were my friends, but was I enough of a friend to them.
They shared all their secrets and thoughts and fears with me, or at least enough of them to get me to love them, but I shared so little. I was the determined distant leader that no one could ever truly love. They were united together, but they were separate from me. And yet, still, sometimes I see the rogue's smile and hear the clerics reassuring words. I feel the archer's excitement and the sorcerer's quiet knowledge. If anyone would ever come for me, it would be them, and now that they really know what they're up against, they will come more prepared, not with a party of five, but with a party of fifty or even five hundred. I know this evil sorcerer king could not stand against that. If I had been less of a fool, I would have brought an army to begin with.
But now all I can do is sit and wait and hope. That sliver of hope, tiny though it might be, is all that is left to me. I am told day after day that I am the lunatic, that my "father" only wants what's best for me, but I know it's all lies, and one day, he will get what he deserves and my friends and I will be free.
The journey, we knew, would be long and hard, so we came well prepared. I brought multiple axes with me, in case one should break. The healer had potions and ointments that would last for months. We had a pack mule with us at the start to carry the water and food, and the archer assured us he could easily hunt more if need be. Spirits were high and we were optimistic as we set on our way.
At first, the trek was easier than we would have expected. The roads were easy to navigate, and we only encountered a couple of petty bandits, easily disposed. There was even a strange beauty is some of the things we saw: a stream through woods, mountains rising in the distance, a small collective of flowers I had never seen before. And though we were nearly complete strangers when we set out, I grew to learn some small things about those who journeyed with me.
The dark sorcerer liked puppies, the healer had a wife and baby back home, the archer aspired to be like his father, and even the rogue let drop that she had been in a relationship or two before, though she could have been lying.
Knowing what I came to know about all of them made our first real challenge all the more meaningful. Some might call it weakness, revealing these small things about ourselves to one another. But I think it made us stronger, and more united as a group. We might not always agree on things, but knowing those details made my companions real to me, and proud to fight beside them. Our victory was made sweeter because we accomplished it together, and destroying the first true monster to step in our way was just something that had to be done, the smile the rogue gave me and the yelp of excitement from the archer were what made it real.
It seems strange that five people coming from such different backgrounds and lands would get along so well, but as time passed on and we shared meals and stories, I felt like these adventurers were a part of me. If I had thought our quest would end in the death of any one of them, I would have turned back immediately. But they were strong and brave, and less foolish than I, except that they all trusted me.
I was, after all, the one who had gathered this party together. The great evil living in the mountains had to be stopped, for one thing, and for another, there was great treasure and honor to be had in dispatching him. I think each of them displayed a primary concern over the treasure and honor, but each had some reason to care about the evil itself as well, though perhaps not as much as I did. I would have gladly given up my share of the treasure and sunk quietly into forgetfulness if that had made it any easier to destroy the evil that had destroyed my life.
As we journeyed onwards, things did begin to get darker. The first misstep was when the sorcerer twisted his foot in a small crevice as we were venturing up a mountain. This was easily healed by the cleric, but it concerned me nonetheless. It seemed a bad omen for a member of the party to be injured apart from battle.
The next mishap occurred when the archer went out hunting one evening and the rogue ventured out to gather some berries, having somewhat of a cute craving for some fresh fruit. The archer came back carrying her with tears in his eyes. She looked only mildly annoyed with the arrow sticking out of her foot, but I was plenty angry for the both of us. The archer nearly turned back right there, but she herself reassured him that all was forgiven and the cleric displayed once again his ease in healing. It made me wonder what we would ever go without him, but I tried to put such thoughts out of my head. The rogue herself had some limited knowledge of mundane healing, after all, and the sorcerer assured me he could study some more non-conventional healing spells if need be, and so we put this incident behind us as well and ventured onwards.
Things were not quite the same after that, however. The others seemed more hesitant around me. I don't really know why I should be the one to blame, but the archer seemed much more frightened of me than of the rogue. Eventually, I realized something had to be done so in the evening around the campfire, I apologized. A strong, intimidating man such as myself never cries, but I still truly felt the meaning and truth of my words as I said I was sorry for my overreactions and my fears and that we had to all work together, including myself.
The same smile the rogue had given me before reappeared and the archer looked like a great burden had been lifted off his shoulders. The cleric and the sorcerer remained mostly silent, but they seemed more at ease as well, and the next day we seemed to venture onwards with a new confidence. The next thing to go wrong after that was that our mule ran off, but I kept my cool, assured the party it was no one's fault, and pointed out we were nearly to our destination anyway. The sorcerer even stated that if need be, he could teleport us most of the way back to town after our battle was won. I wondered why he had not mentioned this before, but chose to simply be grateful for this new bit of information.
The night before our encounter, my dreams were haunted, as I'm sure were those of all the other party members as well. This close to the powerful false king and he surely knew we were somewhere nearby and sent visions to haunt us. We were strong, though, and although the archer seemed nearly ready to bolt in the morning, the rogue and cleric reassured him that all would be well. Their words reassured me as well until the sorcerer gave me a look. He, being a somewhat more noble practitioner of the dark arts himself, seemed to know there was great danger ahead, to recognize it more strongly than the others, but despite seeing this in his look, I chose to press onward. We had gone too far now to turn back, and I still felt with all my heart that we could triumph.
The next night, the sorcerer cast a spell that guarded us against the dreams, and we awoke the next morning more refreshed than we had ever been before. We met our enemy not long after dawn.
It started with quite a bit of luck, in fact. We had not entirely planned to fight the battle that day, but the rogue sneaked ahead and reported back that the man himself was out alone, taking a bath apparently. I suppose even the blackest of evil prefers not to be covered with the blackest of dirt. I imagine he could have majicked himself clean, but perhaps he did not waste any of his power on such frivolous things, or perhaps he simply enjoyed the feel of a hot spring.
At any rate, we managed to get the jump on him. The rogue sneaked up from behind and the archer prepared his arrow and the sorcerer his spell just so that all could fire at the same time as I charged in just at that moment as well.
We caught him so by surprise and he screamed with such rage as the first two attacks and the sorcerer's holding spell landed nearly simultaneously, followed closely by my axe lodging itself into his neck. For a split second, I thought he was done for right there. I know how much power can come from armor and clothing, and this creature was completely naked. Perhaps we had weakened him so much right there that we could simply finish him before he had a chance to do much of anything.
How wrong I was.
The details of the battle remain fuzzy. I do know that the cleric worked so valiantly, trying to keep the others alive. The evil king was no fool, and he realized this, making it his purpose to find and destroy the cleric, which he did in less than a minute. I could tell he was quite weak by that point, but with our primary healer down, his attacks against us were more meaningful and we simply could not destroy him quickly enough. The rogue was the next to fall, being at close range, and then the archer. Then it was just me and the sorcerer, dark majick against dark majick and an axe. I knew my sorcerer friend could revive the others, and I knew he understood what we were up against better than any of them had, and so even then, I believed deep in my heart that we could succeed.
The majick fired back and forth, the sorcerer firing and then doing his best to heal himself while I drove my axe in again and again. I thought we had nearly won, when the evil king laughed and I realized he had simply been toying with us up to this point. With his cackle, he called up beasts from the ground which rushed the other majician and left him lying on the ground without any life in him. It was that final and crushing act that made me scream. I didn't care anymore. All my friends were dead and I had no way to revive them. And they were my friends. They had not been before, but I had let them become friends, and then led them to the slaughter.
I shouted at the top of my lungs and with the all the tears I had never cried steaming down my face, I rushed at the evil king who had, for a second time, destroyed everything dear to me. The minions sunk back into the ground at his will and it was just him and me. I thought perhaps he was giving me pity and allowing me a fair fight, but he didn't even want to fight. He wanted to let me live.
As I rushed to him. He grabbed my arm and squeezed with a strength I did not think possible for a majician to replicate. I had to drop my weapon, and as I swung my other fist around to punch him, he grabbed that arm as well. "Why have you come here, son?" he demanded in a snarl. "I told you never to cross me again."
"You must answer for your crimes!" I shouted.
"What crimes?" he demanded. "Leaving your mother to come live in peace? The woman was a whore."
"She was not a whore!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "You know nothing of the people you have destroyed."
"Destroyed?!" His laugh was insultingly merry with that. I did not think it possible for such an evil man to have such a normal sounding laugh, but the fact that he made it so normal sounding made him even more evil. "I haven't destroyed anyone!"
"What about my friends?" I demanded.
His brow wrinkled in mock confusion. "What friends?" he asked.
I looked around to point out the four friends he had murdered and saw their bodies were gone. I had not seen him cast any spell, nor felt any additional presence, but he had done something with them. He had destroyed them beyond repair, made them so they had never existed.
"What did you do to them?!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, kicking my feet but finding him just outside my reach.
"Garrett," he said, speaking my name so softly that I hated him more than I ever had before. "They never existed."
I live trapped in a cage now, unable to escape. This evil creature keeps me alive for some unknown reason and continually tries to convince me that I made my friends up, that my party of five was always just a party of one. He mocks carrying for me, even claims to be my father. I know it's all lies and majical mind tricks. I am strong, and so I resist them most days. Every night I dream of all I have lost. First of my mother and younger brother, destroyed in mind, body, and soul by this most wicked of men, and then by the companions who became some of my dearest friends, wiped off the face of the earth as if they were never there to begin with.
On the best days, I still hold out hope that they somehow survived. They were not dead, but near death, and while my back was turned away from them, they sneaked out, one by one and are regaining their strength to come and rescue me. But even if this were true, why would they care enough to rescue me? They were my friends, but was I enough of a friend to them.
They shared all their secrets and thoughts and fears with me, or at least enough of them to get me to love them, but I shared so little. I was the determined distant leader that no one could ever truly love. They were united together, but they were separate from me. And yet, still, sometimes I see the rogue's smile and hear the clerics reassuring words. I feel the archer's excitement and the sorcerer's quiet knowledge. If anyone would ever come for me, it would be them, and now that they really know what they're up against, they will come more prepared, not with a party of five, but with a party of fifty or even five hundred. I know this evil sorcerer king could not stand against that. If I had been less of a fool, I would have brought an army to begin with.
But now all I can do is sit and wait and hope. That sliver of hope, tiny though it might be, is all that is left to me. I am told day after day that I am the lunatic, that my "father" only wants what's best for me, but I know it's all lies, and one day, he will get what he deserves and my friends and I will be free.
Love
What is love?
Is it a burning, passionate desire to always have more of a person?
Or is it an excited contentment over simply laying next to one another?
Is it never getting angry?
Or is it forgiving even when you are raging mad?
Is it drawing happiness from the other person?
Or is it sharing your happiness with them?
Is it presents and loud exclamations?
Or is it smiles and whispers?
Is it smooth sailing?
Or is it a bumpy ride that can always be endured?
Is it refusing to question anything?
Or is it not being afraid to ask?
Is it never having to apologize?
Or is it knowing you both will always apologize?
Is it poetry?
Or is it non-fiction?
Can perfect love ever be really found?
How can we know, unless we first know what it is?
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