The Other Side

When I look at her, it breaks my heart, knowing how much I care for her and how little she cares for me. She appreciates me, I know. Well, maybe not me, but at at least all I have to give her. What makes me saddest of all was that she might have even grown to love me, had she not met the one she truly loves.

I am not a young man, but that doesn't mean I no longer have feelings. We speak very little of our past, but I was in love, truly in love, once upon a time. I know what it feels like and looks like and sounds like. What I have for her is different, and what she has for me is no where close. My first and only true love was taken from me two decades ago, but that's a tale for another time.

Oh, if only she could have us both! I know in my heart that they would be happy together, at least for a little while, but she did marry me for my money after all. Would she grow to despise him if he took all this away from her and gave her only his heart? Would it be so wrong if I kept her on like this and turned a blind eye to whatever affairs may come? Though it is not love we have for one another, it is still a kind of comfort, at least for me. Am I so selfish to not want to part with her?

And yet, somehow, deep inside, I do care for her and know she cannot be happy like this. Do I care enough to let her free? I'm lonely. She was a companion to me in my loneliness for a short while, and though her touch comforts me still, I know she feels distant and lost. Is the only way to not lose her entirely to give her up?

Surely I can find another like her. To me, she is not unique. To him, she is. I know what love is: a person who might seem ordinary to anyone else is extraordinary to you. That's the way they see one another. I can sense their passion, no matter how hard they try to hide it. I am not a fool, though they think me to be.

Am I just being selfish? If I know all this, why does it still pain me so to let her go? I should be glad to be rid of her, to let her go on her way, to the one who truly loves her, to have for myself another chance to find a love like the fleeting love I once felt. Why do I hesitate? Am I so self-serving?

I always thought myself a good man, a kind man, a noble man. I treat others fairly both in business and in my personal life. Perhaps I am just angry, angry that she said the vows without really meaning them. Well, she meant them at the time, but I have no doubt that she wishes now that she had never said them. And, now, knowing their hearts to be so pure, it is only I who have the power to let them be together.

Is that what this is about? Is it all about the power? Is it only my need to feel vital that is keeping them apart? I would like to think better of myself, but maybe it is so. I'd like to tell myself that I keep them apart for their own good, that no matter how much they love each other now, it will only lead to pain. I know that pain all too well, but death took my love from me and nothing else. I could never imagine leaving one I truly loved of my own free will.

If I could say I truly loved her, that could be my reason to holding on so dearly. But on the other hand, if I truly loved her, wouldn't I want her to be with the one who could truly make her happy?

All this talk of selfishness and love and pity and poverty is meaningless. All that really matters is that I do what I know to be right. And that is the problem; I do not know what to be right. I have never broken any vow that I can think of. Even if I break my vows to her out of regard for her own well-being, does that make it right?

I am a soul tormented. They see love, and I see it so clearly in them. Yet which is greater, the love they feel to one another, or the promise she and I made? If I were ready to depart this world, I would gladly free her of her bondage, but I am not ready. I am healthy and strong, no matter what others may think, and I know I have decades ahead of me still. Would she be willing to wait that long for him? Would he wait that long for her?

They could never have children if I make her wait like that. She would be far too old by the time they could wed. I can't think about that anyway. It is far too morbid for me to think of what might happen after I die. I need to focus on now, on my own life, and on hers. She is my wife, after all, I am to put her needs above my own. Does that mean breaking my vows for her sake? I do not know.

It would all be so simple if I weren't such an honorable man, or she weren't such an honorable lady, or he weren't so loyal. There would be no trouble if we did not care about causing trouble. But we all care too much, and that's the heart of it all.

Every night I pray that I might see a way to do what is right and best for us all, but I do not think it is possible. Perhaps the only way is for me to disappear. Perhaps not die, I still am not ready for that, but to appear to be dead. A trip from which I never return... how long would she wait for me before she would feel it was okay to move on. Would she wait forever? Would I be doing more harm than good?

I am tired of thinking about it. I am not as young as I used to be, and I need to go to bed. Maybe if I die tonight, it would be a blessing after all. I do not want it, but it would be better for her. Is this what a marriage not built on love is always like?