A is for Apology

"I'm sorry."

There is such pain in his voice, such sincerity in his sweet brown eyes.  Meek, guilty, hopeful.  These are all words that could accurately describe his expression and composure at this moment.  I would forgive him in an instant, if I didn't already know that he didn't mean his words nor deserve what he was asking for.  This is the forth time he's cheated on me in seven years, and the first time he's gone back to one of the girls he already apologized for.

Last time when he did this, it was already too much.  I should have let him go then, let him know that it was over.  But its so hard, when he looks so much like he means it, promises he's willing to change.  I get caught up thinking I can change him, and maybe this time he will be different.  But not this time.  This time I can't deny he'll just keep repeating the same old patterns, as he so obviously has been.  I can't deny it any more.

But still, it would be so easy to just say, "I forgive you" and move on, to try to forget what he's done, to get lost in him again.  When I get lost in him, I lose myself.  I used to tell myself that was what love felt like, but no, this is not love.  It's more like lust.  And even if I could honestly call what I feel for him love, his actions prove he doesn't feel the same way.

"No, I'm sorry," I say back to him.  "I'm sorry I forgave you the last time.  I can't keep doing this.  We're through."

I take a step back and he takes a step forward.  He reaches for me, but when I recoil, he pulls back.  He isn't violent.  He's never been violent or angry or overly cruel.  He's just been deceitful and untrustworthy and unfaithful, again and again and again.  "Please," is all he says.  The pleading in his eyes is almost enough to make me think he really means it this time.  Almost.

I shake my head.  "If you really need to hear me say it, I can say that I forgive you," I tell him.  His face seems to brighten a bit before I go on.  "But I won't mean it anymore than you mean your apology."  His countenance drops again.  I'm sorry to say I almost feel happy to see that.  It means I was right.  He knows he doesn't mean it.  He knows he'll make this mistake again.  I finish it by saying,  "And I can't be with you anymore."

It looks like he wants to say something more, but he can't think of what.  I give him the gift of about two seconds to think it over and then I turn and walk away, out of his house and out of his life.  I don't even care that I have stuff left behind there.  It's nothing that I can't live without.  I certainly can live without him, and I'm going to.  I just hope that I can forgive myself for having taken so long.