At the End

No one thinks about the end when their story is just beginning.  Maybe that's why we're so fascinated by stories that jump to the end and work backwards, or tell the sequence of events out of order, especially if it isn't clear at first what's going on.

No one thinks about the end when their story is just beginning, but they sure want to know about it later.  If that weren't the case, the supposed clairvoyants and palm readers would be out of a job.

I went to a palm reader once.  She told me I was going to die.  I was a little surprised, not because I didn't think I was going to die, but because I thought palm readers tried to reassure people, make them feel good about themselves, make them think they were God's gift to the world and that their life was going to be perfect.  Telling someone they're headed for death is not really the best way to get a good tip or a return visit.  I suppose, unless you're working on fear and you tell them that for three easy payments of $9.95, you can tell them how to avoid their demise.  My palm reader didn't do that, though, and I wouldn't have believed her even if she did.

We don't think about the end because it scares us.  We don't want things to end.  A friendship, a relationship, a career, a life.  We'd like these things to be immortal, indestructible.  We don't want the friend to move far, far away.  We don't want the divorce papers to show up on our door step.  We don't want our boss to say we're fired.  We don't want our doctor to say we have a terminal disease.

Yet, all these things intrigue us when we see them happening to someone else.  We know our hero is doomed, but he fights on anyway.  We know the romance isn't meant to last, but its so sad and tragic and we just want to see it go on, never mind the fact that these two characters are clearly suffering and would be better off apart.  The star actor playing a doctor on TV says she has cancer, but she's going to fight.  She's going to over come.  And even if she doesn't, we're sure going to get a great story out of it.

Our lives aren't cinema.  Sometimes, the lesson isn't so clear.  Sometimes it seems like there is no lesson at all.  Sometimes, things just end unexpectedly, without a neat little conclusion, and they leave us wondering why or what was the purpose or what was it all about or why did I waste 20 years of my life with you, of all people.

I think, at the end, it comes down to this:  we all want to feel like we were loved, we all want to feel like we had a purpose, and none of us want to feel like we wasted our opportunities to find either of those things.

With this in mind, I think we should think about the end, especially when our story is just beginning.  Forty years from now, will I be happy with my life?  Will I have found satisfaction in my career?  Will I be surrounded by people who love me and whom I love back?  Will it all have been worth it?  If you don't think you'll feel peace when you answer these questions, maybe it's time to rewind and try again.

But what do I know, anyway.  I'm just a girl.  I have my whole life ahead of me to try and figure it out.  Unless, of course, that palm reader is right.  If what she said is true, I'll be dead at the end of the year.  But I don't want to consider that possibility.  I like to believe that my end is still a long way down the road.  At the end, I think we all do.