A boy and a girl

This is not a true story.  I'm going to tell it anyway because I want it to be true.

Once upon a time there was a girl.  Let's call her Kate.  Kate was smart and pretty and funny and everyone loved her, boys and girls alike.  Kate's friends liked hanging out with her, teasing and joking around.  That was fine for Kate, but Kate wanted to do something meaningful besides just messing around, so Kate decided to become a tutor.  Kate was 16 years old.

The students Kate helped ranged in age from 10 to 14.  They all liked Kate, but some were more attached to her than others.  One little boy in particular, a boy named Darren who was getting help in math, seemed especially fond of Kate.  Darren was 12 years old, only in middle school, but that didn't stop him from developing a crush on his tutor.

Darren's school was attached to Kate's school, so Kate's friends saw him around a lot and noticed the way he looked at Kate.  "Katie, someone's got a crush on you," they would tease.

"Oh stop," Kate would say with a smile.  "He's fine."  But she wouldn't look at Darren as he blushed and scurried away.

Kate and Darren never talked about "the crush", but they did talk about a few things other than math, like Darren's interest in both sports and music.  Kate suggested he join the marching band.  He said he didn't want to be a band nerd, but she said that wouldn't be so bad.  She wished she could play a musical instrument.  Darren offered to teach her to play the piano.  His mother was the real pianist, but he knew enough to get by.  It was through this and other means that Kate and Darren became friends, but they were really nothing more.

Kate continue to tutor Darren for two years until she was a senior in high school.  When she told him she was going to college out of state, he seemed sad, but she assured him he would be fine.  He didn't need her anymore.  In fact, he hadn't needed her for several months. His math grades were fine now.  Kate knew that Darren knew this.  She also knew that he didn't want to lose her as a friend or as a crush, but she knew that he had to.  Otherwise, how would he grow up and move on.

So Katie went off to college and forgot all about little Darren.  She forgot about many of her high school friends.  She made new friends.  She went to parties.  She studied late at night in the library.  She fell in love with a boy and broke up with him six months later.  She got a job at the campus store.  She threw a frisbee across the quad and went for a smoothie when she got tired.  She joined an intramural flag football team.  She look classes in French and German, but only to get some basic phrases down.  She went on a summer trip to Europe.  She double majored in math and business.  She decided to become an accountant.  She decided she wanted to sell home-knit scarves on the side.  She graduated with high honors and before she started her new job on the East coast, she decided to go home for the summer just to relax.  That was when she met him.

At first, she really thought she was meeting him for the first time.  They talked for a while before she realized it was little Darren all grown up.  Now that he had turned 19 and she was nearly 23, the age difference didn't seem so vast anymore.  And Darren certainly didn't seem like a little boy anymore.

It turned out Darren had joined marching band, and it was okay, but his real passion turned out to be medicine.  He wanted to be a nurse.  He wasn't ashamed of being a nurse and not a doctor.  Katie had taught him not to be ashamed.  He never forgot her for that.  Katie was ashamed to admit she had forgotten a lot from her time in high school, but she was willing to try to remember.  Darren kissed her.  Katie let him.

Little Darren all grown up.  No longer a boy but a man.  Four years later they got married.  Four years after that they had their first child.  Katie taught the little boy how to knit.  Darren taught him how to throw a football.  Katie helped him fall in love with math just like she had helped his father.  Darren fell in love with Katie even more, and she with him.

This is where we catch up to the current time, at least if this story had been true.  We're up to where Katie is 36 years old.  But Katie isn't married, and Katie doesn't have children, and Darren doesn't exist, not anymore.

Katie was smart and pretty and funny and everyone loved her, or so she thought.  Darren loved Katie, but Katie was embarrassed and pushed him away.  Her friends teased her about the crush and Katie would wrinkle up her nose and say, "Eww gross," and feel only a little bad when Darren ran off with tears in his eyes.  Darren wanted a different tutor, but Darren's mom was friends with Katie's mom and was convinced Katie would be good for him.

Katie wasn't good for him.  Katie was mean and demanding.  She wasn't like that with her other students.  She was only like that with Darren.  And it didn't start out that way, or else Darren wouldn't have loved her at all.  She was nice and pleasant and fun at first, but the crush scared her.  Darren scared her and she became mean.  Darren thought it was because there was something wrong with him.  Darren thought Katie hated him.  Little Darren ran out in front of a bus one day and was killed.

People called it an accident, but Katie knew the truth.  Katie knew Darren had killed himself, all because of her.  Katie never got to see Darren grow up.  Katie never got to see Darren find real love, whether it was with her or someone else.  Katie discovered after Darren was gone that he had a great talent for music and that he loved to write.  He wrote so many things about her.  He had thought the world of her, at least at the beginning, and she had thought nothing of him, or so he thought.  His mother gave Katie the diaries without a word, but Katie was sure she hated her.  Everyone must.

Katie tried to put it behind her.  Katie kept tutoring other students. Katie got Bs when she could have gotten As because she couldn't put it behind her.  Katie went to college and tried to forget Darren, but she couldn't.  She got into bad relationships because she wanted to punish herself or because she was afraid of hurting someone again by saying no.  Katie let herself get hurt.  Katie has punished herself every day.

Katie wishes things had been different.  She wishes this story about a boy and a girl had turned out the way it first was told.  But that story wasn't true.  That story was only the way Katie wanted it to be.  Maybe Katie's struggled for so long because she never told anyone before why she was struggling.  Maybe Katie can finally let it go if she just asks for forgiveness.  Maybe Katie needs to stop talking about Katie in the third person and own up for what she has done.

I am Katie.  Darren was my friend, or he could have been, and my treatment of him killed him.  I'm sorry Darren.  I'm so sorry I was so cruel.  I'm sorry you never got a chance to grow up, to be the man you could have been, the friend, the husband, the father you could have been, maybe even with me.  I'm so sorry.  I hope from the bottom of my heart that you can forgive me so that I can finally forgive myself.  Please forgive me, Darren.  You deserved so much better than a girl like me.