Once upon a time there lived a powerful wizard named Vasuvius who roamed the land acquiring knowledge, learning new spells, and occasionally helping those in need, accompanied by his brave young companion and body guard, Brock. Brock was not quite as gifted in the arts of magic as wise Vasuvius, but he was skilled in combat and carried a shiny and rather pointy sword with him.
One day, Vasuvius and Brock had stopped for their midday meal when Vasuvius decided to practice a new summoning spell he had been reading about and attempted to summon a pig for Brock to butcher and cook for them. However, something with this simple spell went terribly wrong, and as the puff of smoke cleared, Vasuvius and Brock found that not only did they have no pig standing before them ready to be eaten, but they had been transported to a strange world, the likes of which they had never seen before.
As the smoke clears...
Speaking in their native tongue:
Brock [waving his hand in front of him to dispatch the last of the smoke]: *Cough cough* What happened, master? Where is the pig? [Pauses to look around] And where are we?
Vasuvius [glancing about at the grass and trees and then at the pavement, metal benches, bikers, runners, and tall buildings in the distance] I'm not sure but this is certainly not what I intended. [He looks around some more and then cautious approaches the path ahead of them. Waving to a passing jogger, he calls out] Excuse me, my lady.
Jogger [in English]: Excuse me?
Vasuvius [in his native tongue]: Could you tell me what place this might be?
Jogger [in English]: Sorry, I only speak English. [Jogs away.]
Vasuvius [with a sigh, walking back to Brock who has decided to hid behind a bush]: Just as I feared. Don't worry, I can fix this. [Ducks behind the bush with Brock and takes out his wand.]
Brock: Are you sure you want to be doing that right now.
[Vasuvius ignores him, mutters something under his breath, and waves the wand around himself and Brock.]
Brock: [in his native tongue] Okay if you're really sure [Vasuvius finishes his waving and Brock continues in English] you know what you're doing. Woah! What was that? What is this? What did you do?
Vasuvius [in English]: I cast a spell on us so we can now speak and understand the language of this land. I have a feeling we might be here a while, so we might as well practice getting rid of our accents now.
Brock: You can do that?
Vasuvius: Get rid of an accent? Well, it helps to practice speaking in the foreign tongue of course...
Brock: No, I mean, cast a spell that lets you speak another language.
Vasuvius: And understand as well.
Brock: And you learned this recently?
Vasuvius: No, of course not. A simple spell like this, I probably learned in my first of second year of college.
Brock: Then why didn't you use it three weeks ago when we encountered that Ogre neither of us could understand?!
Vasuvius [smiling slyly]: Well now what would the fun have been in that.
Brock [throwing his hands up in the air]: For one thing, he may not have tried to eat me!
Vasuvius: Oh, I'm quite sure that Ogre would have tried to eat you even if we did speak his language. Besides, you hadn't had a chance to truly use your sword in so long, I'm quite sure you enjoyed it. Speaking of which, your sword is well concealed, yes?
Brock [after a sigh]: Of course, Master. Just like always.
Vasuvius: Good. If I'm not mistaken, the people of this land are not so keen on having others run about with swords strapped to their backs.
Brock: And what land might this be anyway?
Vasuvius: If I am not mistaken, we find ourselves on the land of earth.
Brock [scoops up some dirt in his hand and lets it run through his fingers]: Yes, obviously, but what is it called?
Vasuvius: Earth. We have landed here on the planet called Earth.
Brock: Planet? You mean plane, right?
Vasuvius [shaking his head]: No, my young and loyal friend, I'm afraid I have transported us to an entirely different planet, somehow. A feat which, in fact, wizards much greater than I still cannot accomplish. Planes are easy. Planets, not so much. Which unfortunately means getting back home will be quite the challenge as well.
Brock: I like how you emphasized the word loyal there.
Vasuvius [continuing to shake his head]: This is no time for jokes, Brock. Even if I could access the proper tomes, which I am quite certain this planet does not possess, it would take me years to adequately study them to the point where I could safely transport us back home.
Brock: So we're just stuck here then.
Vasuvius: Unless you have some sort of plan.
Brock: Why not just cast the spell you were trying to cast before? It brought us here. Maybe it will bring us back home.
Vasuvius: Or it could transport us to yet another planet, even less hospitable than this one.
Brock: How many planets can there possibly be?
Vasuvius: Millions. Perhaps even billions. But I suppose trying to cast the spell again is the best option we have. If it does transport us to the wrong planet, perhaps I could combine it with some sort of time lapse spell to cast it at least another million times before we die of old age. [He shrugs.] Oh well here goes nothing!
Vasuvius proceeds to wave his hands about and whisper magical words under his breath, slowly speaking more and more loudly until he finally lets out a shout when a cloud of smoke envelops them and when it clears...
There are Vasuvius and Brock, still standing behind the bush with a few confused joggers and bikers glancing back at them and a pot-belly pig at their feet, oinking and sniffing about as Brock's sandals.
Vasuvius: Well, at least we know we won't have to starve to death, and my magic does still work on this planet!
Brock: Better than on our own, apparently.
[A few minutes later: Brock and Vasuvius are walking down the hiker/biker trail, after Vasuvius has cast a spell to disguise his robes as a business suit and the pot-belly pig that is following them as a puppy.]
Brock: How come I don't get weird looking clothes?
Vasuvius: Because yours are weird looking enough already. You fit into this world just fine.
Brock: No one on this trail is wearing clothes like the ones you've conjured up.
Vasuvius: Oh we're bound to run into one of them eventually. See! [He points across the park to a man sitting on a park bench and reading a newspaper, wearing a suit much like his own.]
Brock: Okay fine, but why does the pig have to look like a dog? I though we were going to just eat him.
Vasuvius: Brock, if we butcher a pig in the middle of this park, people will think we are savages.
Brock: I'm savagely hungry. We're just going to let this pig dog follow us around everywhere?
Vasuvius: I don't see why not. He's not hurting anything, and there's no need to eat him when we can just walk into any pub in this fine city and order up some delicious new food. If I remember my reading about Earth, and specifically about the country we seem to be in, people do love their food here, even more than the people of our world.
Brock: Well that's certainly good because I could eat an entire cow.
Vasuvius: I am certainly glad, then, that we didn't land in the middle-western part of this country.
[Vasuvius and Brock continue to walk a ways longer, Vasuvius staring at every passerby and smiling and nodding when they look uncomfortable while Brock himself just looks sullen but does his best to keep an alert eye for danger as he always does. The pig discussed as a dog continues to trot merrily behind them, making oinking noises that Vasuvius's spell failed to cover up.]
Brock: That oinking is really making me hungry.
Vasuvius: Patience, my friend, I believe we are nearing the end of this maze. Ah yes, here is the exit. [They walk out of the park and Brock is about to step into the street when Vasuvius grabs his shoulder as a car zooms by.]
Brock: By the gods! What was that contraption?
Vasuvius: I believe that is what they call a car.
Brock: I think there was a person in it. It's like a carriage but without a horse.
Vasuvius: Yes, it runs all on its own.
Brock: You made it sound like these people don't know magic, but I've never seen you cast a spell to do something like that.
Vasuvius: It's not a spell. I think it's called combustion or something like that. They burn something inside the device, I think in some sort of engine, and it makes it run.
Brock: Sounds like magic to me.
Vasuvius: Not to me. Magic makes sense to me. I'm sorry to say this world does not. But at least they still have establishments were one can buy a meal and a bed. Let's go find one.
[They walk down the block a ways and discover crosswalks by watching other pedestrians. Brock glances back to notice the pig-dog sniffing a fire hydrant.]
Brock: Is our backup plan meal going to be okay on his own?
Vasuvius: Oh I'm sure he'll be fine. Though he still maintains his essential pig nature, he is basically a dog, so worse case, some happy child finds him and takes him home as a pet.
Brock: And there goes dinner.
Vasuvius: No, here comes dinner. [He points up ahead to a coffee and sandwich shop.]
Brock: Excellent.
[They walk in and the cashier glances at Brock by smiles pleasantly at Vasuvius.]
Cashier: Welcome! Today's sandwich special is turkey on rye. What can I get for you?
Brock: Do you serve mutton here?
Cashier [frowning]: No, I'm afraid not.
Vasuvius [smiling]: Please excuse my nephew, he's only joking. I will try the turkey on rye you recommended and my friend will take the roast beef on wheat bread.
Cashier [smiling again]: Okay, I've got a turkey on rye and a roast beef on wheat. Anything to drink.
Vasuvius: No thank you. We have plenty of clean water.
Cashier [looking a little uncomforable]: Okay then, you total comes to 11.75.
Vasuvius [patting the pockets of his jacket]: Um, do you take credit.
Cashier: Of course we do.
Vasuvius [turning away to face Brock]: Brock, my boy, could I borrow your credit card?
Brock: My what?
Vasuvius [hushed, under his breath]: Just hand me one of those slips of parchment you take notes on sometimes.
Brock, blushing slightly because those notes are more like a diary, takes out his notebook and tears off a piece of blank paper. Meanwhile, the cashier is glancing over at the food case, tapping her foot, and Vasuvius discreetly points his wand behind him at her and mutters something Brock can't quite hear. Immediately the cashier snaps to attention, staring straight ahead. Vasuvius takes the paper from Brock, puts a finger to his lips to motion for the lad to remain quiet, and turns to the cashier.
Vasuvius [rather proudly]: Here is my credit card, madam.
Cashier [smiling more brightly than she has yet]: Yes thank you. [She takes the paper, doesn't even look at it and then hands it back to Vasuvius.] I'll have your food right out to you.
Vasuvius: Thank you. Come now, Brock.
They walk away and sit down at a table.
Brock: Suggestion spell?
Vasuvius [nods]: Yes. It should wear off within a minute.
Brock: Let's just hope no one comes in and asks her to do something embarrassing.
Vasuvius: Why do you think I shushed you?
Brock: Hey now, I am a perfect gentleman.
Vasuvius: Let's just hope you stay that way when you see how some of the women here dress.
Brock: I already saw them wearing those strange garments in that park. Looked like undergarments to me.
Vasuvius: Essentially.
Brock: You see, and I remained perfectly calm.
Vasuvius: I suppose I might be proud of you yet.
Brock [leaning back and smiling]: You can't fool me "uncle". You're already proud.
Brock and Vasuvius happily enjoy their meal and then leave the shop as the cashier smiles and tells them to have a nice day. They exit onto the side walk and start walking again.
Brock: That was actually quite delicious, master.
Vasuvius: Yes, I suppose being trapped here might not be entirely bad.
Brock: Well, it's still a long way from home.
Vasuvius: Yes, and we probably should figure out where we are staying for the night. I do not think this is the sort of place that would just let one sleep out in the open.
Brock: What, are there dangerous creatures that come out at night or something?
Vasuvius: Calm yourself, boy. Nothing of the sort you are thinking. Just ordinary men, much less fearsome than you, but probably not deserving to die at the point of your sword. It would likely be best if we find an inn or other similar establishment at which to spend the night.
Brock: And what, use your suggestion spell again to convince the proprietor that we've paid?
Vasuvius: I agree that would not be the most noble way to proceed, but until I can actually view the money they use here, I have no way to duplicate it, and even then its no sure thing.
Brock: Well if all you need is a look at the money I'm sure someone has some coins they could spare, someone who would respect and listen to two fine and fearsome fellows such as ourselves. Look right over there [pointing towards a figure standing at a bus stop and facing away from them] there's a young lad who would probably do just as you say without any suggestion spell being necessary.
Vasuvius [smiling and chuckling a bit]: I don't think that's a lad, Brock.
Brock: What do you mean?
Vasuvius: I think that's a lady.
Brock: You must be joking. With that short hair? She must have greatly displeased her father or husband to have to cut her hair that short. [The figure turns and looks their way, then back towards the street.] Oh. I guess, well, I mean...
Vasuvius: It's okay, Brock. If you're wondering, I don't think the short hair means anything here. I think it's just a style.
Brock: A style? But what young lady would ever want to cut her hair short like that?
Vasuvius: Well, perhaps you should ask her. [Walking towards the bus stop and waving his arm] Excuse me, miss.
[Brock looks nervously about and blushes a bit, but reluctantly follows.]
Woman: Yes?
Vasuvius: I was wondering if you could help my nephew and I. [Brock waves nervously.] We're new here, well, just visiting really, and we're looking for a place to stay.
Woman: A place to stay?
Brock: Yes, like an inn.
Woman: I think there's a Comfort Inn down the street... [She glances around at them] If you don't mind me asking, if you're visiting and haven't found a hotel to stay in yet, where is your luggage?
Vasuvius: Oh, uh...
Brock: That's a good question, Uncle Vasuvius, where is our luggage?
Vasuvius [glaring at Brock]: This is no time to get snippy.
Woman [pointing at Vasuvius]: Wait, your name is Vasuvius? Isn't there a mountain named Vasuvius?
Vasuvius: Maybe? I don't quite remember that part.
Woman: Remember it from where?
Vasuvius: Nevermind, thank you for your time, miss.
Vasuvius turns and walks away, Brock opens his mouth as if to say something but then turns and walks away as well.
Woman: Wait! [They turn back.] [She speaks more quietly] Listen, if the two of you are homeless and just not very good at it yet, there's a shelter about a mile north of here. If you don't want to walk, I can even give you money for bus fair.
Brock: That's quite nice of you but...
Vasuvius: We accept.
[Brock glares at Vasuvius, but then Vasuvius widens his eyes and nods at Brock to remind him of their whole purpose in talking to this woman to begin with.]
Brock: Oh right, money for bus fare. That would be very kind of you, my lady.
Woman [laughing a bit]: My lady. Did you get fired from a Ren Faire or something. [Brock struggles for words and she just shakes her head.] Nevermind. Here's your bus fare. [She opens up her purse and hands them each two one-dollar bills.]
Vasuvius [staring at the money]: Yes, this is a good start.
Woman: Now wait a minute, maybe you aren't so bad at being bums, except for that little slip up.
Brock: Pardon me, but I don't think calling my friend and I bums is very polite. [Turning to Vasuvius] Is it?
Vasuvius [looking up from the dollar bills]: Oh no, not at all.
Woman: You two are the strangest people I've met today. Sadly, still not the strangest ever. [Looking just at Brock] What's your name anyway? Everest?
Brock [wrinkling his brow in confusing]: No, it's Brock.
Woman [laughing]: Of course it is. You do look the tough guy type.
[Silence for a bit as Vasuvius wanders a few steps away and continues to study the money intently. The woman glances at him and then back at Brock, then down at her watch and then back at Brock.]
Woman: Okay, my bus still has a couple more minutes before it gets here. What's your story, really? I don't care about the money. It was just a few dollars.
Brock: I don't understand what you mean.
Woman: You and your friend. Are you [and then in hushed tones] are you high on something?
Brock: I still don't [turning towards Vasuvius] Vasuvius?
Vasuvius: A moment, boy, I need to concentrate.
Brock [sighing, not unfamiliar with Vasuvius's moods when he's trying to concentrate]: Listen, based on what I've seen so far of this world, you would not believe me if I told you the truth.
Woman: This world? Do you think you're an alien or something?
Brock: No? I think no is accurate.
Woman: Okay, let's start over. [She holds out her hand for Brock to shake.] Hello, my name is Rhonda. What brings you to the city?
Brock [pausing uncomfortably for a moment, but then, after taking a deep breath, taking her hand, kissing the back of it, and bowing slightly]: It's a pleasure to meet you, Lady Rhonda. I am here with my mentor, Vasuvius who has only begun to tell me what he knows of your land and so I must apologize for my apparent constant confusion.
Rhonda [staring up at him in shock, but not yet pulling her hand away. He lets go of it for her.]: You really aren't from around here, are you?
Vasuvius [walking back over]: Okay, Brock, I think I got what I need. Let's not take any more of this young lady's time.
Rhonda: No, I'm intrigued now. I think I had the two of you figured all wrong, twice in fact. [She glances over her shoulder as her bus approaches. Vasuvius is motioning to Brock that they should go, but Brock shoos him away, as intrigued with Rhonda as she seems to be with him.] Hop on this bus with me. I want to hear more about this mysterious "world" where men bow and kiss the hands of "ladies" these days.
Vasuvius: I'm not sure about that. We really ought to be going. A comfortable inn just down the street you said?
Brock: Come on, Vasuvius, you've faced much worse than this. [Then in a whisper, trying to keep Rhonda from hearing] Besides, I'd rather like to ride in one of these self-driving carriage things.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment