The Return

I've been away for so long.  Coming back here brings up so many memories.  I spent a whole summer here so many years ago, laughing and playing with... I don't even remember their names now, but they were twins, a boy and a girl.  I liked them a lot.  I wonder if one of them still lives around here.

This was never meant to be my home; this was just a place to escape every so often.  But I haven't been here in so long, now it seems more like a prison, or something.  Maybe I'm already stuck in a prison and this is the way to break free.

I used to be so angry.  That was what kept me away.  I had been drifting for so long, lost and alone.  I know, they said it was my own fault, and maybe it was, but they could have been there for me... they could have at least tried.

And now, they're both gone and I don't know what to do.  What do people do when they never got a chance to say, "I'm sorry"?  I guess they find a way to deal with it and move on.  Somehow...

No second chances, just this house I had wanted so badly staring down at me now in condemnation.  Part of me just wants to burn it to the ground.

You think you want something; you think you know what matters most to you.  You think you're standing up for yourself, but it turns out you're just dragging yourself down into the dirt.

If I could go back, if I could really return to how things once were, I would; I swear I would.  But I can't do that now.  It's too late.  Death has removed all my second chances.

All those memories coming rushing back.  I won't cry; I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

I wish I could remember the names of the twins.  Maybe they could reassure me; maybe they could tell me we weren't as mean to him as my mother said we were.

That was why she gave him the house; it was to spite me for all the mean things she claims I said and did.  If I was such a bad kid, how did she think I got that way anyway?  Huh, Mom?  Whose fault was it really?

Ugh.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  All the anger was supposed to be gone.  He forgave me, so his will said.  This was supposed to be my chance to start anew.  But I can't help but wonder if he forgave me truly, or if this was his final act of defiance or revenge or whatever.

Returning to this house now, after all those years of wanting to come back, now it just makes me sick.

I'm sorry, Momma.  I'm sorry, Jaime.  I just can't go inside.  Not yet.  I have to return to my car and drive away now.  The pain returns too strongly.  It's too much for me to bear.